Hello again, it’s been awhile since we have talked. I hate that you always want to do this at four in the morning. I never know how to explain to people why I was up so late, mainly because I hate explaining our complicated relationship. I know you’re worried, but I need to go to sleep. I know you want to stay up until we see the sun, but I have important things I need to do in the day time. You have pushed me around for too long, you controlled my life and my entire thought process for too much of my life, and I have worked so hard to push you away yet I always let you in when I feel you knocking. You loom around for too long after I let you in. Like this dark cloud I can’t shake for a couple weeks. It affects the people around me too, I can see you trying to **** them into your grasp. I don’t understand you; you’re this monster in the back of my head, creeping around everywhere I go. I don’t want to do this anymore, I’m tired, it’s late, please just let me sleep.
-k.p.
1.25.16

Seeing sunsets every night as a unique artistic work of beauty-
So magnificent like soft flames floating into the shades of the midnight abyss.
Breathing deeply in hopes of feeling as soft as the breeze
As calm as the tree's leaves, I stand-
My toes reaching to feel the moist Earth soothing the aches of the day
Floating away into the sunsets elegance
The Earth making me human.
-k.p. 6.17.15-

Be ****, but don't be a ****. Be modest, but don't be a *****. Be smart, but not smarter than your man. Be independent, but not so much that you never need a man. Be everything and nothing at all- all at once and at any given time.
•k.p. 5.30.16•

black skies
white rain
I'm lost in the shades of gray
-the weather today
10.22.15
k.p.

Today I didn't see the sun at all, it's radiance was completely shut out by the gloomy gray clouds. I noticed a flock of black birds flying north today, reminding me that spring is near. Just behind them there was a single black bird- the weaker one. It reminded me of how many different worlds there are, how I'm not the only one dying.
2.21.16

When I think of our love, I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I feel the rush of the tide coming in. I feel overwhelmed, but I'm excited to feel so alive and elated. This feeling grows in my chest, like my entire soul has a burning desire to know more about you. I want to see your eyes open in the morning. I wanted to feel your bodies warmth next to me in the middle of autumn. You had me at your finger tips, always begging to know more about what you were about, I yearned for somebody to care. As we spent more time together, our bond blossomed like the most delicate and rare flower. We had the most vibrant complementing colors, our differing shades blending together into one unique hue of serenity. You gave me hope that my future might be something worth fighting for, you gave me something to work for. You promised me a future I thought that I would never have. Somewhere in the mix of me losing myself in you, I grew blind to the shift in our relationship. The colors of our love had changed from vibrant shades of fire, to the dark, menacing shades of hell. It's easy to confuse the two when they feel and look the same. It isn't until you are completely engulfed into the wrong one that you can see the difference. You grew so dark, taking all of the life I thought you were giving to me. I didn't realize how I had become so small, always standing in your shadow. I lost who I was completely. This love felt like a dream, and some dreams become a dark reality.

It's growing from the back of my brain until it consumes me in its entirety. It started when I was young, little voices speaking to me, telling me about my self worth and my placement in society. It grew into a sort of friend who had the upper hand over me. She was always there standing next me when I would get dressed in the morning, or when I was standing on the scale...
It's funny how you don't realize what's happening until you're in too deep staring at a plate of food and seeing it turn into the lumps on my thighs. Staring into the toilet, watching your tears and sweat drip into the water. Staring at your wrist wondering how you ever lost yourself... I suppose people sympathize with you more when you're young because you're just now discovering how terribly awful the world is, and how terribly awful the weight of gravity seems to hang around into your twenties. I wonder if people can see her. I wonder if people can see this being that hangs around me, holding me down when I just need to get out of bed. She's growing.
5.28.15