I approached my *****
The tender charisma of something unholy haunted
Carved with my fingertips
the sacred verses
While my temple anointed fresh basins
Preparations waining
an exorcism
Chanted through pulsing
Pressure to release haunts
Hours of screams
Days of lusting
For the body that no longer begs
Wants
Where I birthed an age
Without your dark haze embedded in the sides of my rib cage
Allowed new lovers to taste
The fresh fruit
I no longer hollowed out
Begs of you

I am her body
I am starving…
for attention

The last time she gave me a compliment
was the time the mirror was tilted towards the sun
and her rays wrote the words of beauty
very bright ..
so that her eyes could see

I am her body
a clingy companion unwanted
a friend-zoned partner.. with so much
life to give …
loved at once, and ignored many  
maybe if I jolt pain
she’d look at me..

I am her eyes
she doesn’t see
choses not to, her vision
distracted ..by …

the blue sky, attention like a goldfish
in a fishbowl, with all the blue,
but maybe this blue is new..

I am her ribs,
they show, that’s a good thing
but I am suffocating on the skin
that’s covered me too close
they layer me like sand dunes, sculpted by time
rubbing off by age, but
hey they show.. that’s a good thing..

I am her belly
breathing, many lovers loved…
hands laid on me, I felt the caress
and failed to warn her, it won’t last
I didn’t know.. I am sorry


I am her hands,
giving comfort, and warmth
fingerprints caved deeper, every birthday
she wrote, things her chords wouldn’t say
her hands guided… and (have been) deserted
loved and (have been) left
lifted and (have been) dropped
warmed and (have been) solo
gave and (have been) taken
warned and (have been) stabbed

I am her legs
gapped by less and less food
more and more steps
less .. more…
.. walks away…
counts calori……. steps

I am her mind..
a territory of landmines
placed by past experiences
sugarcoated with sprinkles
baked to perfection
the mastermind of the strategy
the lighthouse
for many .. but
not
her

What if
I had fallen to my knees
On the cold parking lot concrete
Tears washing over my cheeks
And cries no one should ever have to hear
Bellowing out from beneath my ribs
Screaming at the sky
Looking up at your face
Forcing you
(and everyone else)
To see me in this godforsaken state
Of absolute chaos
Heartbreak
In it's rawest form
What if I had begged you to stay?
What if I'd told you I can't do this without you?
What if I'd told you how much I needed you
What if I did anything other than fighting back the tears
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Mostly for the crowd of people gathering
Saying their goodbyes
Anxiously looking around to bear witness to everyone else's reactions
And I didn't want to be that girl
That girl who falls to the ground
Kicking and screaming and crying and begging
But what if I was?
What if I was any girl other than the one I pretended to be that day
The one that held her tongue and kept her mouth shut because she knew the second she opened it to speak she would sob
The one that wrapped her arms around you for the last time,
and the one that let go
The one that couldn't bear to watch you walk away
So she kissed you goodbye
Got back in the car
And drove home
What if i wasn't that girl who didnt allow herself to completely fall apart until she was alone in the privacy of her own home?
What if instead I'd made a scene,
Doing what everything inside me so desperately wanted to
Grabbing hold of your hand and refusing to let go
Losing the facade of confidence
The charade of strength
But I'm not that girl
And I never will be
So each and every time you leave
I kiss you goodbye
I unclench my fists and retract my anchors
I untether my heart from it's human home
And I put on a brave face
Maybe for myself, maybe for you,
Or maybe
For that girl.

One pillow
Between my legs
I hold it there at night giving myself a false Sense of security and a curve to my spine That says I love you

Two pillow
Wrapped around my arms
The illusion of your sturdy chest
Heart beating
Your skin warm against my cheek
I am safe here with your arms around my hips  
Our legs tangled together like two Perfectly woven pieces of fabric
Heartbeats sync
Eyes slowly close
I love you’s whispered

Open your eyes

One pillow
Between my legs giving me a false sense of security and a strong stiff spine

Two pillow
I wrap my arms around it tight
Wishing you had a sturdy heart
Wishing you were here

But pillow thoughts are always hopeful for things that will never be.