Facing you at
A table for four
Don’t talk of it
Or
It would be
Disrespectful
To the game and
Por supuesto
I wish to win

Corona with lime
In hand
And
Por supuesto
Sal en la rim

Put it in the
Corner
Cup holder
Let’s begin

It’s reading
Without speaking
It’s assuming
Without knowing
Watching you place
Your strongest tile
First
I remember
Never to block
What you’ve built

I’ve only so many
I’ve only such time
Between the table and
You watching
With shifting blue eyes

I place what
I can
But
I can
Only read so much
I can
Only get so far
On my own

As if at some point
I need to
Fall blindly and
Trust
That you have the
Missing piece
To let you lead
As if we’re
Dancing
Silently

I tap the table
One more time
As if claiming defeat
Looking down
But then up
As I see
The last tile
Fall from your hands
Right in place
Perfectly

If you love someone so much
That you would cross an ocean for them
*What does it matter
If all your bridges have been burned?

And when I saw your name roll across my screen
At one in the morning, was that a dream?
Because I was doing fine
I was doing so fine in fact that I forgot
About you and the mess that I became
Because I was so preoccupied with trying to feel ready
And feel right for you, but you didn't pressure
I rushed myself into it, I tripped over my shoelaces
Like a little girl trying to dress herself for once
Were my sneakers even on the right feet?
And I lined up at the starting line
Days before the race had contemplated commencing

I didn't know how to handle you
How to handle no pressure
I had to create some because I've never had none
I've always had a ticking clock
Most times it ended up being a time bomb
I just didn't know how to be without the stress
Even though that's what I tried to leave behind

And I did not know how to handle
Caring for you the way I did, how I didn't
Know what I did or I hadn't
Was a low point for me, I was all turned around
The desires in my heart confused my head
Into thinking it was okay
To say things to you that I really did feel
But my head told my heart they weren't good
That I didn't feel them because I didn't know entirely
And I held back because I was confused
I pushed you away because I didn't want you to be used
I pray you understand that I truly cared
I'm a genuine person, but I'm genuinely scared

I had to be honest
I have to be honest
I was being honest
I try to be honest
I am being honest
When I say that I felt a large pang
Like I sunk into my mattress
Yet simultaneously I was relieved
When I saw your name appear
Out of thin air, onto my screen
It could have been a drunk text
An anebriated thought, possibly
I felt fine, I was fine
It is only a dream

How could I suffocate
My living, breathing fantasies?
Vacuum seal them, pack them up
Asphyxiate the fire inside me

Why do I detest the intricate ways
My heart wants what it wants?
Its off rhythm beats and wildness
A feral labyrinth of knots

I am slowly untying, exploring and finding
Myself within my own mess
If others deserve what makes them happy
Why would I deserve any less?

I had been waiting
For you to be different
For my whole life
You were all I had wanted

What happens to you
When you find yourself
Living an answered prayer
But still missing something

I tapped my fingers on tabletops
Sang ballads in the shower
I had no idea what it was
That made us incomplete

It wasn't always just so
There were so many times
I felt so full I could burst
And love would leak from within

But when I lacked, it was dark
I felt dry, like a locked empty home
I folded in to myself, origami swan
Creased and dog eared, not the first time

I loved the idea of life you told me
We could have had together
Did everything I could to help you
Get us there eventually

But I realized that eventually
You would still drown out
My little, little voice
Among the noise of your speakers

No matter how much money
You made, it would be the same
Chasing something that would
Never be enough in the end

I was waiting for you
To love and prioritize me
To see me for exactly who I was
Instead of who you had wished I would be

Someone who always loved you
Put you first and cherished your quirks
Who would have stayed but saw
That you would never change

You find no fault
In what you have done
It is me to blame
For not accepting partial love

I found out that what was
Missing all along was you
Truly respecting and cherishing me
As freely as I did it for you

So instead of waiting
For you to change, I did
“Mom, I am a rich man”
I changed into the partner I needed

Someone who cherishes me
Someone who protects me
Someone who puts me first
Someone who isn't afraid to be close to me

Honeyed sunshine dripped
Through my lips
Your grandeur and hands
Took a trip
"Stay with me please"
My head flipped

I think you knew

As if words could have ever
Done the trick
The sweet syrup found me
Made me sick
I'd built us up in my mind
Brick by brick

Because I want you

Years and years rolled by
Here we are
Day subsides to night
In your car
Drive me wild, it won't
Be too far

It was always you

I can feel you floating away
You are the sand grains sliding through my open fingers
Your memories are going out of the window of my mind
You're a fragment of a sentence, not really finished, but you feel complete now
The feelings of helplessness have turned into ones of comfort and acceptance
Real acceptance
The autumn leaves have changed and so have I
I am in a new season of my life
Falling away from you
When I look at you, I don't feel overwhelming anxiety
I feel detached fondness
Like your favorite memory of childhood that is covered in golden dust from picture frames
I see how much I have grown and I know you were worth it
We were worth all of this
The struggles we fought, the time that we bought together
It was all for something, can't you see that?
Even if we aren't together, our time was never wasted
I would not rewind a single moment I had with you
I would not take back the honest love I gave you

I know I'm not the one
The one that you would look for first
If your car broke down
And you needed someone

And I know I'm not the one
The one you would call in the night
For a dream so scary
And you needed a friend

And I know I'm not the one
You wanted from the beginning
But I've always wanted you
Wasn't that enough?

And I know I'm not the one
You care about the most
If you care at all
If you remember a time that you did

And I am certain that I am not the one
You see in your dreams
Like I see in mine
That happen more than frequently

But I also know I'm not the one
That will beg for you
When I know I'm not the one
Who deserves to be ignored again
And treated like no one

Like that thunder storm we watched at your place
Where I ran right into the rain
And beckoned for you to come dance with me
But, sadly, you refrained

You yelled and screamed for me to come back
Under your safe and dry front porch
"What if you get struck by lightning" You said
"Then You'd like up light a torch"

This was my act of defiance
My little run into the weather
I went out for you to notice me
To show you I wanted things to be better

Eventually, I  came back, dried off, got warm
We were together in your living room
Where we talked, and sat, and lived, and loved
While we listened to the thunder boom

Is sixteen and seventeen too young
To tell you that I want you to be my wife?
I guess my love was too strong for you
Because my emotions seemed to suffocate your life

Apparently I played too grand a part in your stressful days
A simple "I love you" here and there was too taxing?
My "How's your day?" was a strain to you, my dear?
However my love never weaned, it was constantly waxing

I'm sorry for caring for you the way I did
Could I just make it right again?
I adore you, my love, and it would make me overjoyed
Just to have the closeness of a friend

But here I lay, in a pool of my own tears
Seventeen, and way too young
To feel this hurt, so cruel and so curt
And they say my life has only begun?

What a fleetingly beautiful thing
I am
My own body
The way it curves and is hard
In some places
And soft in others
And I look at it
As if I could control that
As if I should try

I think on myself
Touch my skin
And wonder
What is this beautiful
And transient thing?

Trapped in a screen
You set the scene
Se-er of constellations
Dreamer of dreams

Midnight confessions
Starstruck impressions
You tell the tale
You make your digressions

Roads turn to fork
Thumbtack on cork
I fear that you'll only
Live in your work

Take me to that place in your heart
Where you have taken no one else

Show me those things
You are hiding from yourself

Indulge me in your past
Your memories, my dear

Even though you are confused
To me, it is all clear

I'll touch the broken parts
Make them disappear if you desire

I'll travel the world for you
Because you have set my heart afire

I will keep your secrets
Safe and sound

In my own chamber of thoughts
Where they can be found

And I can't tell the future
I don't have any plans

But I would never plan to change you
Because you are a great man

Can we break up with our problems?
Drop them off at a train station and say goodbye
Pack up their belongings and leave them for good
Sneak out the back door when the coast is clear

I fell in love with you all over again today
The way you looked at me in your car
Your hand's strength holding mine
Even if you were saying goodbye

You kissed me and hugged me and told me you love me
But is that enough these days?
I want you and I need you now more than ever
But these problems keep getting in the way

So that is why I propose that we leave them behind
Let's take a road trip overnight and wake up in another state
They'll be far behind us if we drive at that pace
Because I'd rather live without our problems than you

Is it so bad for me to say*
That I want you in every way?

I'm not ready to grow up, I want time to pause
I love the swing sets, I love innocence, the imagination
Why can't we just have the mindset of children, but only get bigger?

Stop shaking*
Stop Shaking!
I have my head under the sleeping bag
And an unkown feeling in my heart
Something i'm too scared to say
Hanging on to your every word
I'm so scared
Scared of myself
And how I feel for you
Maybe if I could just stop shaking
I could think straight

Prune puree
Applesauce
Toast with jam
Tablecloth

I want us
To age well
Blossoming unity
I truly tell

In our old age
Please always be
My confidant
My busy bee

In summer rain
And morning dew
I reach my hand
And search for you

I hope to always
Find you there
My lifelong wish
My love affair

I have become one who writes for her audience
That doesn't know that I'm writing to them
Making declarations on here
Because in real life, I cannot scream these things out

I hate being constricted, being expected to be stable
All the time
I have days where I feel great and days where I am terrible
And those days in between
Just like everyone else
Days where I go through all the steps of grief at once
And days where I simply skip to the final step

But why do I feel the need to explain myself to you people?
When most of you don't even know me

Some of my poems don't give away who I really am
They are sort of somber and unhappy
However, I am actually happy
Joyous even
Despite various things that have happened throughout my life
I always make the best of it

I feel like I forget that sometimes though
My persevering nature
My optimistic outlook on life
And I forget that I need to remember that I am special, too
We all need to remember that we are worth something
So we don't slip in to the fallacy that we are nothing

I'll be the first one to admit
I have weird things about me
Like how I like bottles in the car cup holder
Always straight, never leaning. Or else I have to fix them
How I systematically eat my diner breakfasts
Scrambled eggs first, one piece of toast, then intermingled bites of home fries and the remaining slice of toast
Or how I like to climb the stairs in the school hallway
All of the stairs to the middle platform before the door makes the closed noise behind me

I feel like there are people everywhere like me
People with quirks
People who are easily excitable
People who love being with their friends
People you could find something in common with
People who can be a lot like you
But people you probably never took the time to understand

I can't think of myself any differently
Than you make me feel

Your love for me
Is hanging by
A fraying thread

Scooped out
Pumpkin guts
Spilled onto my
Newspaper-covered
Kitchen table
Spoon-scraped
Prepared to be cut
Two triangle eyes
For me, please
A mouth with missing teeth
A candle light
At my center
To shine through,
Illuminate the hollow

Our memories and feelings are starting to slip
Along with my wanting finger tips

The sun sets and the moon starts to raise
As I prolong my fastened gaze

You keep me plastered to this very point
Where I can't move a single joint

Unlike you thought, I wanted you, don't you see?
And in return, I wanted you to want me

Hoping has gotten me nowhere but here
Encircled in everyday lies and fears

From thinking and thinking, but never acting on a whim
But here and now, it's time to begin

It's time to stop and break the trap
Of loving you with no looking back

You don't deserve my adoration, but yet I give
This is not what it means to fully live

To fully live means to enjoy your own life
Not surrounded by others' chaos and strife

So I want to wave farewell and bid adieu
But the only thing keeping me here is you

They say time heals
But sometimes it's not fast enough

Are you scared of me?
Or what you have become?

I'll never quite get the games we play
Power dynamics and bedroom eyes
Spinning rooms with smoke and mirrors
When what we really need
Is our exposed hearts on wrinkled sleeves

I don't know how it has gotten to this point
That I don't trust myself when it comes to love
I don't know what I want and I attach myself so readily
More readily than I want to let go, even if it is not right for me
Even if they give me an open invitation to stay or go
*Why do I feel the urge to stay even if my heart says run away?

I am supine and imagining
What does all of this that's been happening
Really mean, the feelings I feel
I want to know, honestly, are they real?

I want it.
The shaking.
I won't know
Otherwise
If it is
Absent.
I wish
My eyesight
Would
Blur and
Vibrate
I don't
Know if I
Can feel that
Anymore
I've been
there too
Many times
It lost its
Touch.
Even at
My lowest
I didn't feel
That low
There
was room
to go down
Further
When would
I feel
it?
When would
I
crash?

I try to remember that everything happens for a reason
But my problem is that I exhaust myself trying to figure out what that reason is

If you were the rain
Then by my glance
You would cease to pour
But I am intrigued by you
Show me more
Show me more

I want to hear
Your increased droning on outside
I want to see
Why you've made the clouds cry

What I want
Is a secret you've hidden
It's something I've lost
To my mind, it is ridden

I can't shake this rain
As it falls from the sky
Because when you walked away
I never felt it was goodbye

So as it rains
And pours on this day
I just wanted to scream out
What I needed to say

You were here
You always have been, always will be
But the problem was
You never believed

I can't bear to hear of what you felt and feel for her
That you didn't feel for me

You don't know how that feels
Until you are the one that is told

By seven different people
How the person you cared for

Loved someone else
That wasn't you

Or how you were still together
When they felt this way

You won't know how I felt
Until you are led on

You won't know that feeling
Until you experience it firsthand

But the only peace I have with it
Is that I am not mad at the girl you loved that isn't me

I do not blame her, for it is not her fault
It is yours for being the coward you always have been

Remember those feelings that I held on to so tight?
Well, you shredded them up
Alongside the truth
I'll admit, I was willing to believe anything you told me
Because a lie from you was better than nothing at all anyway
So while I go around hearing "He told me it was your fault, and that you broke up with him"
I'll remember that final night I was on the phone with you, feeling your words tear apart my insides
And you asked why I was crying

If you wish to read my mind
*Read my poetry

I am lost because I have not found the map

He used to go to another room
When I played my favorite songs
The piano would clash
When I got notes wrong

It turns out, though
He never told me that
He went to another room
So I could relax

He loves to hear me play
But he was giving me space
To relieve my performance pressure
So I could make mistakes

He knew I felt compelled
To be perfect in every way
He thought it would be less stressful
If he was away

All the things he never told me
The secret ways he cares
I’m slowly uncovering them
The more that he shares

I JUST ALWAYS FELT SO*   *small   **COMPARED TO YOU

In twenty years
It will matter
To me that
I did not receive
A card
On our anniversary
And it will matter
That you
Did not listen
To me
As I was asking
For your love
And affection
Over and over
Again

And now it is
“My fault”
That I left
You alone
To feel the space
I took up and now
I’m disturbed
For disrupting
Your world

I gave you myself
Wrapped up
In a little bow
All of the beautiful
Things I could think of
Generosity and
Kindness and
Tenderness in the
Face of stress and
Sleep deprivation
And my financial support
Endlessly
Despite my own
Tribulations
Yours were always
More pressing
More stressful
More important
I was constant
For you
I wanted to be
Perfect
For you
But I didn’t realize
The toll it was taking
On me

When I tell you
I love you
You could never believe me
Not now, especially
But I have to finally
Love myself
More than I love you
Do you understand that?
I cannot pour myself
Out to you
If I have nothing to give
The nurturing love
The love I needed myself
I gave it all away to you
Because I felt that
You needed it more
Than I did
Maybe you did
But I need it now

I need myself
Where is she?
I’m finding her
I need her
I need her sweet love
That I’ve never had
That you loved so much
You loved the love
I gave you
But did you love me?
My cracks and flaws
And imperfections
The darker parts of me
The parts I tried to hide
I am gathering myself up
To find a way
To care for the parts of myself
That I’ve deemed unlovable
That no one would want
I want to want myself

Sometimes
when life gives you the troubles
You just need to throw up your hands and say
*What the ****?

I was wondering when
I would eat my own words
Now I need to count the carbs
In each syllable

Calculate just how much
Life juice to inject
Into my bruised abdomen
After milking the drops
From my tingling finger

I ask of you to see
And watch and listen to me
Because I am not a result
Of sucrose-inclined molars
Or an unlucky inheritance
I am all of my own

So when my jaw grew thin
I praised myself and thought how
I shed some "extra" fat
I thought perhaps
Maybe I had a tape worm
Or a hollow leg
That hid over 2500 calories
In a single day that still didn't feel
Like enough
With 126 oz of water
I was leaking every twenty minutes
I praised myself, but
I didnt feel like myself

I knew before I knew
Had that deep gut feel
Before it was real
It was so undeniably mine
Like a limb I forgot I had

But it was like that limb previously
Slapped me in the face,
Stole my fortune,
Ran off with my fiancé,
Then said I was bound for great things
As it slipped out the back

I was shredded into nothing
But handed something of promise

I need to be leaving
I’m going away
It’s too painful
Right now, to stay

I found a place
For a few days
To be alone
Leave no trace

I hope I will
Hear my quiet voice
Find myself there
Without the noise