So many heroes died on September 11th
So some could live to see September 12th

Take my hand and lead me through
The halls that we once walked
However, I find it hard to approach you
After what happened in our last talk

I'm there again, in that gym
Like, once more, I'm in eight grade
You're doing what you do best
While I'm stuck standing there and afraid

The music is on, playing numb melodies
I should probably start to move
But how I can  bring myself to dance
When I'm hypnotized by you?

It felt like eight grade all over again
But reality followed me into this dream
Because I'm older than I used to be
And someone else had followed me

He wasn't there in presence
But he was floating over the dream
He's the reason I feel guilty
For what I see when I'm asleep

You notice me once and look away
Because you are still hurt by me
But little by little you look again
Then keep a gaze steadily

Nervously, I walk over to you
And ask if we could talk
So you said, still unknowingly
"Sure, I guess we could take a walk"

We walk across the dance floor
To a bench in the corner of the place
Where we talk about feelings and dreams
As a familiar smile spread across your face

Little by little, fingers inched across separate oceans
Our hands got closer still
Until they intertwined within in each other
And ignited the feelings we thought we killed

Eventually, we got up from that bench
To roam throughout our old school
With my head on your shoulder we walked around
Remembering places that we knew

"Remember that time we had tech-ed there together?"
I said in that hallways as I reminisced
"I remember" you said
"But, since then, it is really you that I have missed"

After that, we walked some more and sat together
It was so tangible, it felt like it was true
I could hear, see, touch, and think
Once again, I could feel things for you

But that is the cruelty of my dreams
Everything is so realistic
It feels like life until I wake up suddenly
Alone in my bed and nostalgic

There are sights I have yet to see
And dreams I have yet to achieve
I have bridges yet to cross
And more of a life still yet to lead
But the beauty of having a lifetime
Is that you can take your time to live it

That space I have set up for you is getting harder and harder to maintain
The roof has begun to leak
The floorboards squeak
And there is a clog in the drain

I keep investing time and effort into caring for your place
That I neglect myself
I lose sleep and happiness over your chipping paint exterior
And wonder if it all even matters

But why do I even care if it won't be used
The doorbell has never been rung to that place
That I have set up in my heart
You never checked to see if I was home

You maybe drove by casually on the street
Or tiptoed up the walkway to see if you could see the lights on
But you never once told me you needed me
Or wanted to be that close to visit the place I set up for you

Does it matter that I fixed the roof?
No more rain will seep through its cracks
And did you notice the new floor?
Now it doesn't make a sound when you walk on it

And I repainted the outside
So you would have something pretty to look at
So you could stand back and say
"Wow, this is my place that she built just for me"

The house has become so massive though
It has taken up so much more than I intended
You seep into so many aspects of my life that you don't need to
You are overwhelming me

So maybe one day, I'll just take a sledge hammer
And rip apart the mansion I built
Piece by piece, brick by brick
So you know that it meant something

I bet you are wondering why I call you that name
"The Other One"
Because at one point
You were my "Someone Special"

But we kind of fell off of the world
We fell far, far into the outer universe of space
Or at least you did
Because I felt I could never reach you
As hard as I tried
As loud as a I screamed for you
You could never seem to hear me

Do not get me wrong, this is my fault too
I did some things along the road too
And I am really sorry for those things I did
The last thing I ever planned or wanted to do was to hurt you
Even now I am scared to do that
I guess I just got so used to tiptoeing around your sensitivity
I became a gymnast
However, my greatest fault is that I'm not graceful

So wherever you are now, "The other one"
Wherever you are in your world
Whether you are floating around in the cold recesses of space or back home again
I just want you to know
That I will always have a space set up for you
In my heart
Some place that is warm and remembers what it was like
When we were on good terms
Because whenever life trips you up, I will always care
Even though it looks like I don't, I do

I have come to a conclusion

You either care for me deeply or completely hate me

Because nothing else could ever explain

The damaged look

On your face when I walked by you tonight*

And just said "hi"

And when I saw your name roll across my screen
At one in the morning, was that a dream?
Because I was doing fine
I was doing so fine in fact that I forgot
About you and the mess that I became
Because I was so preoccupied with trying to feel ready
And feel right for you, but you didn't pressure
I rushed myself into it, I tripped over my shoelaces
Like a little girl trying to dress herself for once
Were my sneakers even on the right feet?
And I lined up at the starting line
Days before the race had contemplated commencing

I didn't know how to handle you
How to handle no pressure
I had to create some because I've never had none
I've always had a ticking clock
Most times it ended up being a time bomb
I just didn't know how to be without the stress
Even though that's what I tried to leave behind

And I did not know how to handle
Caring for you the way I did, how I didn't
Know what I did or I hadn't
Was a low point for me, I was all turned around
The desires in my heart confused my head
Into thinking it was okay
To say things to you that I really did feel
But my head told my heart they weren't good
That I didn't feel them because I didn't know entirely
And I held back because I was confused
I pushed you away because I didn't want you to be used
I pray you understand that I truly cared
I'm a genuine person, but I'm genuinely scared

I had to be honest
I have to be honest
I was being honest
I try to be honest
I am being honest
When I say that I felt a large pang
Like I sunk into my mattress
Yet simultaneously I was relieved
When I saw your name appear
Out of thin air, onto my screen
It could have been a drunk text
An anebriated thought, possibly
I felt fine, I was fine
It is only a dream

I can feel you floating away
You are the sand grains sliding through my open fingers
Your memories are going out of the window of my mind
You're a fragment of a sentence, not really finished, but you feel complete now
The feelings of helplessness have turned into ones of comfort and acceptance
Real acceptance
The autumn leaves have changed and so have I
I am in a new season of my life
Falling away from you
When I look at you, I don't feel overwhelming anxiety
I feel detached fondness
Like your favorite memory of childhood that is covered in golden dust from picture frames
I see how much I have grown and I know you were worth it
We were worth all of this
The struggles we fought, the time that we bought together
It was all for something, can't you see that?
Even if we aren't together, our time was never wasted
I would not rewind a single moment I had with you
I would not take back the honest love I gave you

He used to go to another room
When I played my favorite songs
The piano would clash
When I got notes wrong

It turns out, though
He never told me that
He went to another room
So I could relax

He loves to hear me play
But he was giving me space
To relieve my performance pressure
So I could make mistakes

He knew I felt compelled
To be perfect in every way
He thought it would be less stressful
If he was away

All the things he never told me
The secret ways he cares
I’m slowly uncovering them
The more that he shares

If you love someone so much
That you would cross an ocean for them
*What does it matter
If all your bridges have been burned?

Scooped out
Pumpkin guts
Spilled onto my
Newspaper-covered
Kitchen table
Spoon-scraped
Prepared to be cut
Two triangle eyes
For me, please
A mouth with missing teeth
A candle light
At my center
To shine through,
Illuminate the hollow

Prune puree
Applesauce
Toast with jam
Tablecloth

I want us
To age well
Blossoming unity
I truly tell

In our old age
Please always be
My confidant
My busy bee

In summer rain
And morning dew
I reach my hand
And search for you

I hope to always
Find you there
My lifelong wish
My love affair

Can we break up with our problems?
Drop them off at a train station and say goodbye
Pack up their belongings and leave them for good
Sneak out the back door when the coast is clear

I fell in love with you all over again today
The way you looked at me in your car
Your hand's strength holding mine
Even if you were saying goodbye

You kissed me and hugged me and told me you love me
But is that enough these days?
I want you and I need you now more than ever
But these problems keep getting in the way

So that is why I propose that we leave them behind
Let's take a road trip overnight and wake up in another state
They'll be far behind us if we drive at that pace
Because I'd rather live without our problems than you

Like that thunder storm we watched at your place
Where I ran right into the rain
And beckoned for you to come dance with me
But, sadly, you refrained

You yelled and screamed for me to come back
Under your safe and dry front porch
"What if you get struck by lightning" You said
"Then You'd like up light a torch"

This was my act of defiance
My little run into the weather
I went out for you to notice me
To show you I wanted things to be better

Eventually, I  came back, dried off, got warm
We were together in your living room
Where we talked, and sat, and lived, and loved
While we listened to the thunder boom

I know I'm not the one
The one that you would look for first
If your car broke down
And you needed someone

And I know I'm not the one
The one you would call in the night
For a dream so scary
And you needed a friend

And I know I'm not the one
You wanted from the beginning
But I've always wanted you
Wasn't that enough?

And I know I'm not the one
You care about the most
If you care at all
If you remember a time that you did

And I am certain that I am not the one
You see in your dreams
Like I see in mine
That happen more than frequently

But I also know I'm not the one
That will beg for you
When I know I'm not the one
Who deserves to be ignored again
And treated like no one

Stop shaking*
Stop Shaking!
I have my head under the sleeping bag
And an unkown feeling in my heart
Something i'm too scared to say
Hanging on to your every word
I'm so scared
Scared of myself
And how I feel for you
Maybe if I could just stop shaking
I could think straight

Is it so bad for me to say*
That I want you in every way?

Take me to that place in your heart
Where you have taken no one else

Show me those things
You are hiding from yourself

Indulge me in your past
Your memories, my dear

Even though you are confused
To me, it is all clear

I'll touch the broken parts
Make them disappear if you desire

I'll travel the world for you
Because you have set my heart afire

I will keep your secrets
Safe and sound

In my own chamber of thoughts
Where they can be found

And I can't tell the future
I don't have any plans

But I would never plan to change you
Because you are a great man

I try to remember that everything happens for a reason
But my problem is that I exhaust myself trying to figure out what that reason is

Is sixteen and seventeen too young
To tell you that I want you to be my wife?
I guess my love was too strong for you
Because my emotions seemed to suffocate your life

Apparently I played too grand a part in your stressful days
A simple "I love you" here and there was too taxing?
My "How's your day?" was a strain to you, my dear?
However my love never weaned, it was constantly waxing

I'm sorry for caring for you the way I did
Could I just make it right again?
I adore you, my love, and it would make me overjoyed
Just to have the closeness of a friend

But here I lay, in a pool of my own tears
Seventeen, and way too young
To feel this hurt, so cruel and so curt
And they say my life has only begun?

I'm not ready to grow up, I want time to pause
I love the swing sets, I love innocence, the imagination
Why can't we just have the mindset of children, but only get bigger?

I can't think of myself any differently
Than you make me feel

I want it.
The shaking.
I won't know
Otherwise
If it is
Absent.
I wish
My eyesight
Would
Blur and
Vibrate
I don't
Know if I
Can feel that
Anymore
I've been
there too
Many times
It lost its
Touch.
Even at
My lowest
I didn't feel
That low
There
was room
to go down
Further
When would
I feel
it?
When would
I
crash?

Your love for me
Is hanging by
A fraying thread

I have become one who writes for her audience
That doesn't know that I'm writing to them
Making declarations on here
Because in real life, I cannot scream these things out

I hate being constricted, being expected to be stable
All the time
I have days where I feel great and days where I am terrible
And those days in between
Just like everyone else
Days where I go through all the steps of grief at once
And days where I simply skip to the final step

But why do I feel the need to explain myself to you people?
When most of you don't even know me

Some of my poems don't give away who I really am
They are sort of somber and unhappy
However, I am actually happy
Joyous even
Despite various things that have happened throughout my life
I always make the best of it

I feel like I forget that sometimes though
My persevering nature
My optimistic outlook on life
And I forget that I need to remember that I am special, too
We all need to remember that we are worth something
So we don't slip in to the fallacy that we are nothing

I'll be the first one to admit
I have weird things about me
Like how I like bottles in the car cup holder
Always straight, never leaning. Or else I have to fix them
How I systematically eat my diner breakfasts
Scrambled eggs first, one piece of toast, then intermingled bites of home fries and the remaining slice of toast
Or how I like to climb the stairs in the school hallway
All of the stairs to the middle platform before the door makes the closed noise behind me

I feel like there are people everywhere like me
People with quirks
People who are easily excitable
People who love being with their friends
People you could find something in common with
People who can be a lot like you
But people you probably never took the time to understand

They say time heals
But sometimes it's not fast enough

In twenty years
It will matter
To me that
I did not receive
A card
On our anniversary
And it will matter
That you
Did not listen
To me
As I was asking
For your love
And affection
Over and over
Again

And now it is
“My fault”
That I left
You alone
To feel the space
I took up and now
I’m disturbed
For disrupting
Your world

I gave you myself
Wrapped up
In a little bow
All of the beautiful
Things I could think of
Generosity and
Kindness and
Tenderness in the
Face of stress and
Sleep deprivation
And my financial support
Endlessly
Despite my own
Tribulations
Yours were always
More pressing
More stressful
More important
I was constant
For you
I wanted to be
Perfect
For you
But I didn’t realize
The toll it was taking
On me

When I tell you
I love you
You could never believe me
Not now, especially
But I have to finally
Love myself
More than I love you
Do you understand that?
I cannot pour myself
Out to you
If I have nothing to give
The nurturing love
The love I needed myself
I gave it all away to you
Because I felt that
You needed it more
Than I did
Maybe you did
But I need it now

I need myself
Where is she?
I’m finding her
I need her
I need her sweet love
That I’ve never had
That you loved so much
You loved the love
I gave you
But did you love me?
My cracks and flaws
And imperfections
The darker parts of me
The parts I tried to hide
I am gathering myself up
To find a way
To care for the parts of myself
That I’ve deemed unlovable
That no one would want
I want to want myself

You put me on low
Let me simmer alone
All day long
While you worked
Expecting I’d be ready
When you came home

You set me
And forgot me

Bon appetit

I don't know how it has gotten to this point
That I don't trust myself when it comes to love
I don't know what I want and I attach myself so readily
More readily than I want to let go, even if it is not right for me
Even if they give me an open invitation to stay or go
*Why do I feel the urge to stay even if my heart says run away?

Our memories and feelings are starting to slip
Along with my wanting finger tips

The sun sets and the moon starts to raise
As I prolong my fastened gaze

You keep me plastered to this very point
Where I can't move a single joint

Unlike you thought, I wanted you, don't you see?
And in return, I wanted you to want me

Hoping has gotten me nowhere but here
Encircled in everyday lies and fears

From thinking and thinking, but never acting on a whim
But here and now, it's time to begin

It's time to stop and break the trap
Of loving you with no looking back

You don't deserve my adoration, but yet I give
This is not what it means to fully live

To fully live means to enjoy your own life
Not surrounded by others' chaos and strife

So I want to wave farewell and bid adieu
But the only thing keeping me here is you

I'll never quite get the games we play
Power dynamics and bedroom eyes
Spinning rooms with smoke and mirrors
When what we really need
Is our exposed hearts on wrinkled sleeves

I am supine and imagining
What does all of this that's been happening
Really mean, the feelings I feel
I want to know, honestly, are they real?

If you wish to read my mind
*Read my poetry

Are you scared of me?
Or what you have become?

Remember those feelings that I held on to so tight?
Well, you shredded them up
Alongside the truth
I'll admit, I was willing to believe anything you told me
Because a lie from you was better than nothing at all anyway
So while I go around hearing "He told me it was your fault, and that you broke up with him"
I'll remember that final night I was on the phone with you, feeling your words tear apart my insides
And you asked why I was crying

I am lost because I have not found the map

I can't bear to hear of what you felt and feel for her
That you didn't feel for me

You don't know how that feels
Until you are the one that is told

By seven different people
How the person you cared for

Loved someone else
That wasn't you

Or how you were still together
When they felt this way

You won't know how I felt
Until you are led on

You won't know that feeling
Until you experience it firsthand

But the only peace I have with it
Is that I am not mad at the girl you loved that isn't me

I do not blame her, for it is not her fault
It is yours for being the coward you always have been

If you were the rain
Then by my glance
You would cease to pour
But I am intrigued by you
Show me more
Show me more

I want to hear
Your increased droning on outside
I want to see
Why you've made the clouds cry

What I want
Is a secret you've hidden
It's something I've lost
To my mind, it is ridden

I can't shake this rain
As it falls from the sky
Because when you walked away
I never felt it was goodbye

So as it rains
And pours on this day
I just wanted to scream out
What I needed to say

You were here
You always have been, always will be
But the problem was
You never believed

I JUST ALWAYS FELT SO*   *small   **COMPARED TO YOU

I was wondering when
I would eat my own words
Now I need to count the carbs
In each syllable

Calculate just how much
Life juice to inject
Into my bruised abdomen
After milking the drops
From my tingling finger

I ask of you to see
And watch and listen to me
Because I am not a result
Of sucrose-inclined molars
Or an unlucky inheritance
I am all of my own

So when my jaw grew thin
I praised myself and thought how
I shed some "extra" fat
I thought perhaps
Maybe I had a tape worm
Or a hollow leg
That hid over 2500 calories
In a single day that still didn't feel
Like enough
With 126 oz of water
I was leaking every twenty minutes
I praised myself, but
I didnt feel like myself

I knew before I knew
Had that deep gut feel
Before it was real
It was so undeniably mine
Like a limb I forgot I had

But it was like that limb previously
Slapped me in the face,
Stole my fortune,
Ran off with my fiancé,
Then said I was bound for great things
As it slipped out the back

I was shredded into nothing
But handed something of promise

I need to be leaving
I’m going away
It’s too painful
Right now, to stay

I found a place
For a few days
To be alone
Leave no trace

I hope I will
Hear my quiet voice
Find myself there
Without the noise

I set out at sunset with Spotify
“Ophelia” as my soundtrack
Trekking on the Huckleberry trail
As the sky faded from red to black

“Sirens” began and there I was
Looking at my ex to say goodbye
Unable to feel anything like him
Forcing feigned tears from sapphire eyes

“29 #Strafford APTS” sang and I recall
Wondering what and who he’d be
Imagining a man I didn’t know if existed
Someone who’d love and cherish me

I dreamed he would know me deeply
Love my quirks and intricacies
Know my hopes and dreams and secrets and fears
And remember how I like my coffee

I wished for someone transcendent
To make life light up like a rampart
Someone that liked to learn and grow
Someone like “Steal Your Heart”

Then with a twist of fate you appeared
We reconnected like “Lost Stars”
You made me feel so new again
Despite our past love’s scars

“Lay Me Down” brought me back
To nights spent miles apart
Long distance with the one I love
Empty arms missing half a heart

Sometimes we felt like “Two Ghosts”
Sometimes when you weren’t there
Sometimes we didn’t talk enough
I was left without your care

But it felt like “Home” when you returned
My cross heart melted when you arrived
Catching up on all the time we lost
An era of distance we survived

I’ve always felt this “Stubborn Love”
It cuts me deep, it heals me too
Joys, devastation, laughter, life
I’m living it with you

But as we’ve lived, at times I feel
You’ve been a “Cold Cold Man”
I’ve felt ignored, I’ve felt rejected
I have felt less than less than

When I encountered “Someone New”
It caught me solely by surprise
Somehow you supported and encouraged me
When you saw the sparkle in my eyes

This one I met was different
He came in like a “Happy Accident”
It was so easy to feel it all at once
My preoccupations up and went

My feelings for him did not begin
Because of your inattention
He woke up something inside of me
Something I forgot to mention

He made me feel new in a new way
Flow so easy, we were a “River”
Kindness and connection I can’t contain
The intoxicating alchemy of two givers

But you and I were not aligned
You didn’t realize the full extent
To which I fell into “Someone Else”
Into “Madness”, your descent

Now I am working to pick myself up
The future feels like a maybe
All of this occurred when I opened up
And that’s just “Wasteland, Baby!”

My skeleton is a liar

The soul I possess
Is the true structure
Holding me up,
Making me stand

My spine
Is not my true backbone

As I've seen my body fail
Crash and burn
Dumpster fire
That hyperventilating
Mass in the corner
Out of order
In need of service

My soul shines through
Those smoke filled skies
And jagged rocks