You put me on low
Let me simmer alone
All day long
While you worked
Expecting I’d be ready
When you came home

You set me
And forgot me

Bon appetit

I can feel myself slipping back inside where I was
It's a twisted game, to love and be loved
And normally the one who cares less
Is the victor
But I can't help but go back
To look back and think
To feel the same again
But you cut it short
You brought me back to reality
Even though you told me
You were stuck as well
Now I know why I can't believe your love
I can't feel it
You don't talk to me like you do
It hurts when you say goodbye
Like words could separate feelings
And if you are reading this, if you even want to hear how I feel
It hurts

What an intoxicating fallacy
Is perceived immortality.
The belief of ones vitality
Will be one's true, final fatality.

Dented Diet Coke can heart
Trained to be concave
Too shiny and begging
To be torn apart

To feel the sliding
Of aluminum against aluminum
Too smooth and intoxicating
To stop

Willing to
Let you
Do it, too

Don't cut your finger

I set out at sunset with Spotify
“Ophelia” as my soundtrack
Trekking on the Huckleberry trail
As the sky faded from red to black

“Sirens” began and there I was
Looking at my ex to say goodbye
Unable to feel anything like him
Forcing feigned tears from sapphire eyes

“29 #Strafford APTS” sang and I recall
Wondering what and who he’d be
Imagining a man I didn’t know if existed
Someone who’d love and cherish me

I dreamed he would know me deeply
Love my quirks and intricacies
Know my hopes and dreams and secrets and fears
And remember how I like my coffee

I wished for someone transcendent
To make life light up like a rampart
Someone that liked to learn and grow
Someone like “Steal Your Heart”

Then with a twist of fate you appeared
We reconnected like “Lost Stars”
You made me feel so new again
Despite our past love’s scars

“Lay Me Down” brought me back
To nights spent miles apart
Long distance with the one I love
Empty arms missing half a heart

Sometimes we felt like “Two Ghosts”
Sometimes when you weren’t there
Sometimes we didn’t talk enough
I was left without your care

But it felt like “Home” when you returned
My cross heart melted when you arrived
Catching up on all the time we lost
An era of distance we survived

I’ve always felt this “Stubborn Love”
It cuts me deep, it heals me too
Joys, devastation, laughter, life
I’m living it with you

But as we’ve lived, at times I feel
You’ve been a “Cold Cold Man”
I’ve felt ignored, I’ve felt rejected
I have felt less than less than

When I encountered “Someone New”
It caught me solely by surprise
Somehow you supported and encouraged me
When you saw the sparkle in my eyes

This one I met was different
He came in like a “Happy Accident”
It was so easy to feel it all at once
My preoccupations up and went

My feelings for him did not begin
Because of your inattention
He woke up something inside of me
Something I forgot to mention

He made me feel new in a new way
Flow so easy, we were a “River”
Kindness and connection I can’t contain
The intoxicating alchemy of two givers

But you and I were not aligned
You didn’t realize the full extent
To which I fell into “Someone Else”
Into “Madness”, your descent

Now I am working to pick myself up
The future feels like a maybe
All of this occurred when I opened up
And that’s just “Wasteland, Baby!”

I saw your eyes for one more time
In the place I'd always dreaded
An opened link, a closed casket
Left me weak and hazy-headed

I tried to meet her eyes abrupt
When I paid respect to your life
She knew my name, without looking up
Your soon-to-be, future wife

It took everything I had
Past almost every threshold
Feeling so much more than sad
Burying someone special

When I do not feel heard
Sometimes I close my eyes
And let my mind take me
In the damp and cold night

I slip out my back porch
Close the door quietly behind
Tiptoing through my yard
So I won't wake you
Before you should know

I walk down the steep hill
Past my house
Farther away, deeper still
Treading on drenched asphalt
Without my phone

Maybe you should have realized me
When I was home?

Life pains the most in first person
The narrowing narrative of perspective
Viewing through the peep hole of the self
Nothing is more personal
Nothing as dense
None could compare

I’ve been told
Anger is how
Your body
Communicates
Wakes up
Something in you
Disrupts
And I am
Furious

For myself
And the times
I disregarded
My needs
For another’s
Seemingly more
Important needs

I am someone
I am important
I am here

I have needs
Even if
You can’t
See them
Or choose
To tend
To them

I am
Willing
And able
To help
Myself
For
Myself

My skeleton is a liar

The soul I possess
Is the true structure
Holding me up,
Making me stand

My spine
Is not my true backbone

As I've seen my body fail
Crash and burn
Dumpster fire
That hyperventilating
Mass in the corner
Out of order
In need of service

My soul shines through
Those smoke filled skies
And jagged rocks

The first time tripped
My heart up on the carpet
Crumpled beneath the front door to the sin
It wouldn't close because it was caught in
Between what I had believed
My whole life to be what
I wanted vs. what he wanted
To wait, which meant being waited on
Or to give in and be given
I said "okay" but wasn't sure
Uncomfortable expression, no longer pure
I cried at dinner in candlelight,
Bled for days,
Disenchanted, disengaged.
I confided the experience in a friend,
Surprised I ever did it again.

He had good qualities, but partially,
He was a jar with the lid on crooked
I was an indecisive and shaken up woman.
Never let myself approach the point of totally trusting
I controlled, but as did he, he tried his hardest
Made me think I would be bored elsewhere or that
Another man would never measure up
Next to the nature or intrigue of
What he did to me, I didn't refuse
But found myself hating him secretly.
I wanted it, but in a different way
Lusting wears off as rose colored lenses fracture
Never allowing myself to call him my master
With indentations on my wrists,
I removed lust's blindfold, and
Walked away from him, eighteen years old

The second time was my first,
With you, something new.
But when you've done it before
Doing it once more
Doesn't seem to be
A matter of eternal life or death
Simply a matter
Of consent.
And I wanted you, I wanted it to be
Very organic, very pure, true, with you
As the vision I had for a partner, all that time
Even with him, even though you weren't mine

So when the moment came, I couldn't think
Of a reason not to go back to your dad's house
And kiss you until my lips hurt,
******* until I had couch burn,
You holding me tightly afterward.
The intrinsic beauty in the loving look settled over your eyes
When you assured me you wanted me to feel just right.
The way we talked after, the smiles and laughter
A first time of security, not emotional disaster.
As if it were the question and you the answer.
As if that one time could replace all the moments
That it wasn't you, that we were apart
Thinking of you with occupied arms an open heart

I wish you would dive deep
Explore the cavern
In my chest
I am empty
I am hollow
Not much left

I started so strong
Much resolve
Too much to give
All along

It was too easy
For you to take me
I let you in
I let you have me
So easily

I shouldn’t have to
Guard myself
From the one
Who should have
Protected me

The thought
Of being passed up
By you
One more time
Hurts more
Than I can
Possibly bear

I've been told
I need to
Get used to it
My role
Is to
Be used to it,
Be understanding,
Patient and caring.

But what happens
If I need it?
I need to
Be used to
Not having you
When I need you most.

Here's a secret
I'd never tell you:
I'll never
Be used to it

How quaint to be let in
If only, for a moment
To view your perspective
From my perspective
To sit by your side
And watch you live your life
If only, for a moment

How brief were those encounters
Surprising and scarce.
I met myself there,
Barefoot and just beginning.
Experiencing and cultivating
The grass roots of my soul.

Alone is a place
I’ve never ventured
Always attached
Slightly indentured

Self inflicted fidelity
Unwarranted, at times
Despite indiscretions
Despite others’ crimes

There is something
Twisted, yet satisfying in this
To me, I feel loving
As red flags are dismissed

I hold on by a thread
He, on solid ground
He, allowed to feel loose
While I’m tightly wound

It’s time to stop
This time I meant it
Knowing it now
Being codependent

My mom told me that
In the womb
I accidentally
Aspirated

Breathed in ****
By mistake

Who would have known
That would have set the tone
For the beginning of my life
I’ve spent a lot of time
Breathing in ****
That wasn’t mine

Cleaning up messes
I didn’t make
Hedging all the bets
I didn’t take
Throwing myself
To the wind
Instead of caution is
Where I’ve been risk adverse
Somehow the fear of
Toppling over other peoples’
Houses of cards
Seemed infinitely worse

I see I cast myself in the narrative
I understand my part to play
Set up and conditioned to placate
After that, it was a choice that I made

But I can’t handle it any longer
The glove no longer fits
I feel myself coughing it all up
I do no harm
But take no ****

The first time tripped
My heart up on the carpet
Crumpled beneath the front door to the sin
It wouldn't close because it was caught in
Between what I had believed
My whole life to be what
I wanted vs. what he wanted
To wait, which meant being waited on
Or to give in and be given
I said "okay" but wasn't sure
Uncomfortable expression, no longer pure
I cried at dinner in candlelight,
Bled for days,
Disenchanted, disengaged.
I confided the experience in a friend,
Surprised I ever did it again.

He had good qualities, but partially,
He was a jar with the lid on crooked
I was an indecisive and shaken up woman.
Never let myself approach the point of totally trusting
I controlled, but as did he, he tried his hardest
Made me think I would be bored elsewhere or that
Another man would never measure up
Next to the nature or intrigue of
What he did to me, I didn't refuse
But found myself hating him secretly.
I wanted it, but in a different way
Lusting wears off as rose colored lenses fracture
Never allowing myself to call him my master
With indentations on my wrists,
I removed lust's blindfold, and
Walked away from him, eighteen years old

The second time was my first,
With you, something new.
But when you've done it before
Doing it once more
Doesn't seem to be
A matter of eternal life or death
Simply a matter
Of consent.
And I wanted you, I wanted it to be
Very organic, very pure, true, with you
As the vision I had for a partner, all that time
Even with him, even though you weren't mine

So when the moment came, I couldn't think
Of a reason not to go back to your dad's house
And kiss you until my lips hurt,
******* until I had couch burn,
You holding me tightly afterward.
The intrinsic beauty in the loving look settled over your eyes
When you assured me you wanted me to feel just right.
The way we talked after, the smiles and laughter
A first time of security, not emotional disaster.
As if it were the question and you the answer.
As if that one time could replace all the moments
That it wasn't you, that we were apart
Thinking of you with occupied arms an open heart

Sometimes it doesn't feel
Like you see me
When towards you I am walking
Just a beautiful voice
Sofly talking
A brassy Charlie Brown tone
You can't pick up the phone
Double texts make it look like I'm stalking

And sometimes it feels
Like I don't exist, I have gone
When you forget that I do
My mind's sketch I have drawn
My thoughts race on and on
Hard to remember I'm wrong
That you care, I get scared
You'll forget me for long

Or even worse to me
You'll never see my true self
Treat me like an antique
Place me high on a shelf
Go on living your life
I am there without touch
Occupied space
Overlooked much

My biggest fear
Is that you'd forget me here
Move along with my body
Leave my heart unseen

Intertwine your life
With who you think I am
Form sentences from my words
In the order you ordain

Be quick to assist
To the whim of a stranger
In the early morning hours
But forget I am broken

Do you ever look at my hands
Visually caress the curvature of my face
Trace the light with your eyes
And contemplate my being?

Small jokes
Past asides
I can't lie
They've crossed my mind

Grains of sand
Aren't singly much
Until accumulation
Amasses such

Do I dare
Let you see
The depth of
My insecurity?

When I hear
What you say
I am numb
Almost dazed

But it's the mass
Of all the grain
When I look back
That brings me pain

What do you like about me?
Other than the fact that I care
You could just like me
Because I care about you
And not because I would like to think
That I am funny
Are you ashamed to be around me still?
Am I still too much to handle
Maybe I'm just too much of a woman
To fit into your hands
I'm not going to diminish my shine
Just because you cannot handle the brightness

How do you know
That you could see yourself
Being my husband
Why do you see me
As someone you would want
To wake up to in the morning
Every one for the rest of your life?
Is it because I care about you
I don't mean to sound selfish
But why do you care about me?
What is it other than my love
For you that makes you want me?
Other than my body
Other than sexuality
What parts of my soul do you treasure
More than our history, more than just time
What makes you sit back in amazement
And think "I am in awe that she's mine"?

You confuse me
And I don't know
How I feel so flip flopped
So incomplete sometimes
When we talk
And at other times
My heart feels so full
I can hardly breathe
I don't know why
You do these things to me

Part of the time you are
Someone else, different
You're maturate and motivated
Driven and strong
A man and I love it
Funny and focused
Intelligent and responsible
Put you in a suit
And I would gladly
Remove all my clothes
Right there on the spot
I adore every part

However the other portion of the time
You're downright childish
And I don't know how to deal
You ask me questions
As if I never want to see you again
Even though we say openly
That we love each other
Do you really think
That if I said that I loved you
That I wouldn't want to see you
And it would be easier for me
To not see you for two years
Until I graduate and move
Do you really think
That I don't miss you at all
I don't miss this part
The insecure part
Hiding behind humor
You get lost in the joke
And forget that I can see
Right through your masquerade
Always have, always will
And I'm wondering
If you never got to be a kid
And this is you
Living in our memory
Of when we were younger
I just want to feel like you've matured
For the most part
We can still be silly
Whenever we want to
But not in the way you have been

Lately conversations seem forced
Not forced, but strained
Like I don't know what to say
We've only been together a week
It shouldn't be this way
Maybe it's just our history
Getting in the way

The persistence I’ve felt
From resistance
The depth of the pressure
To have something till death
Past the point of actively choosing
Even when the love you’re
Supposed to love leaves you
Bleeding and bruising

I want something
Quiet
Something small
Something at peace
Some day
Spent at our place
Your eyes smiling down at me

I want something steady
Something without pretense
I want to keep going to sleep
And waking up next to you
As long as it makes sense

As long as we fit
As long as we both
Feel we belong
I’d rather have something
Really real
Than forcibly lifelong

When I reach out to you
And try to talk
And receive nothing in return
I fall back into feeling
Like I'm fourteen
And you are torturing me
With your silence
You taunt your affection
In front of my watering eyes
Place your lips centimeters
Away from my wanting mouth
Before turning away
And not speaking to me for years
I have to restrict myself
From giving you too much of my heart
So when you leave, I have something left
I ache when you walk away
Even if you plan to stay
I can't help thinking you'll leave some day

This whole time
I've been afraid
Of tripping and falling
Down further
For you
Breaking every single bone
On my descent

What a colorful and
Unhealthy thing I have
Had the
Roundabout
Thought process to
Concur that I’ve
Ensured my own
Security by
Planning my
Escape route through
Trying to conclude
How I’d
Press you out
Of the corners of
My mind that are
Already steeped in
Love potion
Number nine

What am I
Trying to prove?
Why do I have the illusion
That you would be so
Easy to remove?

It wouldn’t be a
Simple wash cycle
It would require a
Deep clean to
Strip you from me
Like fruit punch
Spilled on
My shirt at a kid’s
Birthday party
Making myself
Messy with you
Was way too
Much fun for my
White tee to handle
I’d do it again
Just to have the
Faded pink cotton
As a reminder

But why do I always
Think I’ll have to launder
You out of me?
Why do I,
In hard times,
Scare myself into
Thinking we’ll
Never last?

Am I preparing
Myself not to
Get hurt?
Because of how
Deep I’m already
Falling into and for you?
Why do I fear you
will push me away too?

It took a
Bottle of champagne
In between
Tiny sips of
Tequila
For me to whisper
That I loved you
In your ear
I pulled away and
Looked in your eyes
While I felt the
Room spinning and I
Told you I meant it
It wasn’t because
I was drunk or
That you kissed me
In a way
That made me forget
I was surrounded by people

It’s that I thought
The same thing sober
And celibate
Long before
My lips
Let me say it
And I let it go
In that moment
Even if I didn’t know
How you would react

I got messy then too
But you mopped me up
Held my hair
As I threw up
Put my clothes on
Kissed my head
And tucked me into bed

And yet I still try to retreat
Out of fear
How do you sense
My wobbling knees
And pick me up to
Draw me near