I had been waiting
For you to be different
For my whole life
You were all I had wanted

What happens to you
When you find yourself
Living an answered prayer
But still missing something

I tapped my fingers on tabletops
Sang ballads in the shower
I had no idea what it was
That made us incomplete

It wasn't always just so
There were so many times
I felt so full I could burst
And love would leak from within

But when I lacked, it was dark
I felt dry, like a locked empty home
I folded in to myself, origami swan
Creased and dog eared, not the first time

I loved the idea of life you told me
We could have had together
Did everything I could to help you
Get us there eventually

But I realized that eventually
You would still drown out
My little, little voice
Among the noise of your speakers

No matter how much money
You made, it would be the same
Chasing something that would
Never be enough in the end

I was waiting for you
To love and prioritize me
To see me for exactly who I was
Instead of who you had wished I would be

Someone who always loved you
Put you first and cherished your quirks
Who would have stayed but saw
That you would never change

You find no fault
In what you have done
It is me to blame
For not accepting partial love

I found out that what was
Missing all along was you
Truly respecting and cherishing me
As freely as I did it for you

So instead of waiting
For you to change, I did
“Mom, I am a rich man”
I changed into the partner I needed

Someone who cherishes me
Someone who protects me
Someone who puts me first
Someone who isn't afraid to be close to me

The room is spinning
Why can't it just stand still?
For a simple moment
Can't we fixate on the fact
That we love each other
Rather than meaningless things in life?

I live for those moments in the silence
The brief, sudden silence
When we are suspended
In mid air
Waiting for a reaction
But none comes
So we stay suspended
Until some outside force plucks us from the sky

I like to feel the heat
On my bare feet
It's hard to feel so sure
Even at my best,
I must confess,
I get wildly insecure

I'm still that girl you knew
The one that skipped towards you
Only three and a half short years ago
Claps for all, you called me
Tear-stained cheeks from a broken heart
You swore to never do what he did and you said
I could have had my space if I wanted it
I just wanted to know you
You made me feel like I was loved
Like I was a treasure worth protecting
Like a sun to hold in the palm of your hand
So I said "okay" and let you love me
I grew to love you too, more than I ever
Ever thought was possible at the time
We drove around, kissed at traffic lights
Made new memories and adventured
You made me wonder why I had allowed
Allowed for myself to feel unloved
Our love grew like a ****, wild and rampid
We loved and loved and didn't fight
Until one day when we started
It had been a year or so without it
But once it started, it didn't totally end
No argument resolved, no problems closed
But I pushed on, I loved you still
I've loved you despite distance
I've loved you despite age
I've loved you despite every thing that should have pushed us apart
We don't agree on anything large
Not morals, religion, or priorities
We are falling into pieces, my heart aches
I'm bleeding and crying out for you to hear
But silence is all I have from your end
And we are still holding together by a string
You never told me that you were finished
And I'm too disheartened to say after three years
That even though I crave you like you're ******
That you're a large part of me
That you are the closest person to me
That I want to be by your side, to hear your deep voice, feel your heartbeat, smell your sweet musky cologne on my shirt after a long day,
I don't know how long I can do this
To place a band aid over our hurt
Only to rip it off come morning time

Your words, to you
May not have little importance
But to her
They are what she thinks about the rest of the day

Your phrases echo in her mind
The syllables and dialect dance in her brain

You may even find yourself of little importance
You had decided a long time ago
That you were never worth it
Because everything else was so messed up in your life
And it was your fault,now, wasn't it?
But I know it was never your doing
And she does too
Maybe this mysterious woman and I
Are one in the same
A little too understanding
A little too inviting
A little too forgiving
A little too naive
A little too in love
For our own good
After all, the girls who love lost boys
End up lost themselves

Los cambios vienen
Demuelen y construyen
Son que la vida consisten

I stood there
Costume still on
Flowers in hand
Excited to see you after my performance

Right as we met, you metaphorically slapped me in the face
With the words you said
With the way you spat them out at me
While I just stood there
Too dumbfounded to move

Then you left
You just walked away and left me there
I didn't move, for what felt like a very long time
Then I numbly stumbled towards the door

I pushed my way outside
And there you were
Walking away in the rain

I sputtered out sentence fragments trying to figure out
What exactly did I mean?
You turned around and told me how terrible it was
Seeing me with him on stage
How it made you angry and upset

I couldn't take you yelling at me
I started to lightly sob
Then it started to pour
The red lipstick smeared over your white jacket
Matched my firey eyes

I saw you again last night
You were in my house
In this dream, I lived on the first floor
Of some elaborate vintage hotel

The opulence that surrounded us
Juxtaposed the dissonance
Of our internal dispositions
The true feelings we never shared

You were in my room
You kissed me and I knew
Something wasn't right
Really, something wasn't right
Even in real life

So I started to project
My true and honest feelings
Like I felt I never totally could
Wanting what I wanted
Seemed to be the opposite of yours
And I never wanted to let you down

Always the opposite, never the same
Constant clashing of ideals
Never peace, torn in between
What I wanted and what you said you needed

So I finally told you, I needed to be done
If not for my own sake, then for yours
So we didn't self destruct
And completely tear each other apart

As I said those words
You said some in return
About how you thought something
Had always been wrong
That hit deep in my soul because I knew it too

I didn't want to admit that
I wasn't ready to love you
I was emotionally closed off
But thought I could squeeze you in there
Along with all the other feelings
I was too ashamed to tell you about

So I let it go
I let us build up the hope
Of something permanent
When I didn't feel ready
I felt like I was partly participating
And partly spectating
Only half committed
Because you only had half my heart
And I can't help how I felt
I just did a ****** job
Of handling it and not being honest

I couldn't tell you
That the reason I couldn't tell you
That I wanted to be with you forever
Was because I didn't see it like you did
You said I was your world
And I can't help that I didn't feel it
There was nothing you could have done
To make yourself my entire world
You knew you weren't and you tried hard
You really tried to make me love you more
I wasn't ready, I was so preoccupied
With still loving a boy that was never mine
He wasnt ready for me like I wasn't ready for you
Constantly wanting the inaccessible
It was my fault I said yes when I didn't know
I loved you yes, but I could have loved you more

So, for that, I'm sorry
I can't fix the things I did
And my heart hurts that I hurt yours
I'm sorry for not being honest
But I'm not sorry
For being myself
And for chasing my dreams
For leaving home
Even though you were left alone

I dreamed you bewitched me one last time
To fall away from the world with you
I convinced myself that it was no crime
So I let you hold me close like lovers do

But within each dream you appear
Mayhem occurs, nothing goes right
As much as I tell myself I don't want you here
There you are next to me at night

But we have drifted away from "us" so far
That we can't even wave at a distance
Now I don't really know who you are
And I will never even have the chance

My petals have all been picked off, my strings have been pulled taught
By constant "He Loves Me's" and "He Loves Me Nots"
Can't you see, you've left me in distress?
But, "It Doesn't Matter," seems to be how you digress

It's so easy to believe
Through pictures I see
That your life is better
So much better without me

You're going more places
Doing things, meeting people
Smiling brighter, laughing louder
Loving life, never dull

And it's so easy to think
That all of this was because
We broke up, we parted ways
So I think and I pause

But I know I always encouraged you
To go and live out your dreams
I pushed you to explore yourself
But as it now seems

I was just holding you back
From living up to whatever
You're doing now
Your life truly seems better

Being left alone
To wonder
Is always the worst part

Little does he know
That while he thinks he is doing well
That he is moving on
He will soon know the truth
That loving others is just a facade to distract himself
From dealing with moving on from what happened
It will hit him
One night, it will hit him
While he is laying alone in his bed, he will know
He will think of a joke or a memory that will knock him back in time
Back to square one
He will have to start all over again
Trying to claw his way back into reality
One where together doesn't belong
Perhaps he won't feel it
But I am expecting that he will
He will know that she isn't truly erased from his mind
On one lonely night not too far from now
Because he doesn't know that when you love someone else
When all the pink clouds and sparkles are gone
Is when you understand your true feelings

It's okay if you want to go
Recede into the woodwork
Take your hat quietly and leave
I understand your departure
I may soon disappear as well

I enjoy those little arguments
The ones about the radio station
Where you put on that overused CD you like
And I roll my eyes in frustration

I switch the radio channels rapidly
As you give me an amused glance
And I throw one back quite jokingly
Because I never miss a chance

You say "Come On, Just pick one!"
As I let Nirvana start to play
So I agree with you quite willingly
This is my favorite type of day

When you look at me
Like that
I can't *breathe

Facing you at
A table for four
Don’t talk of it
Or
It would be
Disrespectful
To the game and
Por supuesto
I wish to win

Corona with lime
In hand
And
Por supuesto
Sal en la rim

Put it in the
Corner
Cup holder
Let’s begin

It’s reading
Without speaking
It’s assuming
Without knowing
Watching you place
Your strongest tile
First
I remember
Never to block
What you’ve built

I’ve only so many
I’ve only such time
Between the table and
You watching
With shifting blue eyes

I place what
I can
But
I can
Only read so much
I can
Only get so far
On my own

As if at some point
I need to
Fall blindly and
Trust
That you have the
Missing piece
To let you lead
As if we’re
Dancing
Silently

I tap the table
One more time
As if claiming defeat
Looking down
But then up
As I see
The last tile
Fall from your hands
Right in place
Perfectly

I would hope to become someone of importance
Or just to be myself
That's all I really need

I have always left a piece of myself
In every place that I have been

I quietly left my eyes at the grand canyon
Because I never quite believed it was real
So I decided to place them on a royal red rock
To keep looking onward at the painting on the ground

I surrendered my hands at Our Daily Bread
Because I went there one summer ago
And decided they needed them more than I did
To help those who could not help themselves

I secretly rested my heart with you
In your big cabinet of special things
As I tiptoed out the door
Whispering "Goodbye"
But looking back once I departed

I sat on that hill awhile once I left
And decided to give it my memories
Because it could project them onto the sky
For the chromatic sunset on the horizon
For others to see and enjoy

Piece by piece I give myself away
To those places and people that need the pieces more than I
I don't mind that I am withering away, piece by piece
Because the pieces will come back one day
Once they have done what needed to be done

Trapped in a screen
You set the scene
Se-er of constellations
Dreamer of dreams

Midnight confessions
Starstruck impressions
You tell the tale
You make your digressions

Roads turn to fork
Thumbtack on cork
I fear that you'll only
Live in your work

Sometimes I wish to hold you once more
But the problem with once more
Is that I'll always want another and another
Until you seep back into the cracks of my heart
You'll find your way in and you'll stay
Your touch will linger on my skin
And I'll feel incomplete until your fingertips
Lay where they lied once more
And I'll feel your strength behind me
I'd never want you to go
The problem with one more time
Is it never is the last

I'm a slave to the words
A marionette in the music
As I'm assuaged I've moved on
Muscle memory's proven

I can pick up the patern
Feel its reverberating sound
Emotions heightnened, rising action
Then I collapse to the ground

I hoped I wouldn't have to
Ever again play my part
But my name's in the playbill
I know the motions by heart

If I may
Be so free
To tell you I
Don't think it's me

I've known you long
Your true heart
Beats off time
To think us part

If it is
Left to grieve
You worry I
Love to leave

I've looked at you and felt
My heart fall apart within my hands
But I've seen your face and knew
My next fifty years of plans

How could I suffocate
My living, breathing fantasies?
Vacuum seal them, pack them up
Asphyxiate the fire inside me

Why do I detest the intricate ways
My heart wants what it wants?
Its off rhythm beats and wildness
A feral labyrinth of knots

I am slowly untying, exploring and finding
Myself within my own mess
If others deserve what makes them happy
Why would I deserve any less?

It hollows my chest
It lingers, its essence
How I bleed as I am
Alone in your presence

I hope you tell her that you love her
And mean it all the same
I hope you make her feel special
And don't confuse her with silly games

Allow her to be herself in your love
And accept her for who she is
Whether she shares your interests
Or just likes to do her own things

Appreciate her for all the times that she cares
When she is there for you
I hope your love is wonderful
I pray that it is true

You are so special and she will know
If she is that certain one
That you are worth her waiting for
That you are worth her love

I hope you believe in her and cherish her
That you will set her heart aflame
But in all of this, most of all
*I hope, to you, she does the same

How lucky
Are we to
Find each other
In a parade
Of strangers

I wanted it to be me there sitting beside you
I wanted that so very badly and part of me still does
I miss our friendship and how we spent our time together
I just could not tell you that I miss us and think
Like about when you told me you wanted to take me to Disney World after graduation
Because I have never been there
Or the talk of waking up next to each other and having breakfast in our kitchen
We made so many beautiful plans for a beautiful life
But life works around our plans
It careens and twists around all that we want
And decides what is best without concern of breaking our hearts
I am only a product of my environment
I am lost because I haven't found the map

I can't comprehend the way you care
Like a delicate touch of a finger
As opposed to shattered glass

I have never seen a face as kind and welcoming
Like an enveloping hug by a fire
As opposed to the cold shoulder

Your smile comforts and invites me
The way you talk also excites me

If only I wasn't so scared of the feeling
That's rocked my head and sent me reeling

I can't deal with the reality of my heart
Timing and desires tear me apart

But there you are, so willing to bend
Content in life, even to be a friend

Maybe right now, that's what I need
You're so precious, precious indeed

You should have known
From a long time ago
That the seeds that you plant
Are the seeds that you sow

So be careful what you do
And be careful what you say
Because that hurt you deliver
Will turn back your way

You'll find the broken ones
Have found their way back
And you are where they were
Starting to crack

I feel badly knowing you're hurt
Honest, I do
I know that some things can't be helped
Life's not always easy to do

But when I look back
And think about those times that I was there
Alone and hurting
Without you seeming to give me a care

I realize that I can't do anything
And neither can you
So you might as well sit back
And enjoy the view

I hope it's everything he could ever imagine
I hope it's exciting and new
I hope it's something that will make him love learning more
I really just hope he won't be made fun of
It would break my heart in to small microscopic pieces
If he came home crying because of something some kid said
About his weight or the fact that he is twice the size of anyone else
He is so sensitive, can't everyone see that?
Dear Bully, don't make fun of him
Don't push it past that point of innocent child's play
Don't make him hate himself
Don't make him cry
Even though you can't see me behind him, I am there
Everything you do to him, I can see
I can feel it just as he does
So the next time you think about making fun of someone
Just remember that maybe they have an older sister
Or someone else who cares that much
Who feels that pain as much as your victim

Looking back, from a while ago
Your past may be dulled and the colors somewhat faded
The pain not as sharp
So it's hard to remember what was

So you think and think
About what you thought it was
When your thoughts are only a romanticized version
Of what really was there

Where you saw love
There was actually selfishness and disdain
Where you saw hope
There was an empty abyss
Everything is askew
So you don't know where to begin
You don't know what to believe

You are living, breathing poetry
When I'm around you, I can't help but think in rhymes
I imagine synonyms for your style
And enjoy every minute of our times

Your touch, to me, just sparkles
Like tiny diamond rings
It flowers, blossoms, and it blooms
With every wave your passion brings

Your smile warms and cools me
Just like a secret summer night
The kind spent on back porches
Where talks last until the light

Oh, and the way you turn back and look at me
Turns me into a cliche
Because my arms and spine shiver
And my knees start to give way

Like I said, you're living poetry
Even though you can't see how
And when your poem is read you're still humble
You don't need to take a bow

Heartbreak and tea go so sweetly
Sitting on the porch in the rain
Reminiscing while the leaves are still steeping
Wallowing in your own pain

Listening to the rain pour, the thunder crack
As you sip on the scalding drink
It's times like these in the hour of black
That make a person think

You sit for a while, lonesome, or you so you believe
Just sensing all that's around you
But you are more accompanied than you can conceive
As your seeker comes to your rescue

Sitting there together with no one else
At last, you are found
So you share the tea silently together
And fade into the background

Do I have the heart
To forgive yours
For hurting mine?

Talking to you answered some questions
But left more unanswered
Do you still read my poems?
I write to you
Hoping you would know that there is so much confusion
That I am not just leading you to believe that I am someone who does this sort of thing often
You're where it all started
I can't just let go
It's been so hard for so very long
To try not to look at you
And try to say to myself that you don't think of me even if I think of you
To try to believe that maybe it is just me who feels like this
But when you told me you loved me, something was there
Something that was missing was half filled
Not the whole way completed because all I find from you are empty promises
Nothing felt real
Because of the way you talked to me after you said it
I wanted you to tell me nice things you used to tell me
That's what I wanted when you asked
But I couldn't say it because it wouldn't be fair
I would have wanted too much
The complete love of two people
And he knows all of this, he knows about how I feel
That's why I feel guilty and bad for all of this
But he knows I will always have feelings for you
It's something about the first love that you have
It's just so confusing when you talk to me
If you missed me, missed us, you didn't talk to me like you loved me
It was  like I was some tattoo that meant something, and now you regret getting, but it won't go away
And whenever I see you, you just look at anything other than me
Because I think you're afraid I can see right through you
Well, I'm looking at you, knowing that you can see straight through me
I'm tired of putting up layers and disguises to hide how I feel
And I'd like to believe that you still love me too
That you are even reading this
But I don't know anymore

Too poor to afford it
But too rich to qualify

Do I  own my own emotions
Or simply let others decide?
Do I man the wheel of my life
Or allow others to drive?

The care that I keep of others
The concern I have for them
Has caused my true self to be smothered
Time and time again

Because I permit my punishment
I allow abuse
I will take and take what you give to me
Until you cut me loose

And all because I care for others
More than I watch after myself
My heart of heart isn't often revealed
When I'm protecting someone else

So I've said yes when I didn't know
And I've permitted the playing of games
I've passively sat by and watched it occur
Instead of saying that I am in pain

I need to be honest about emotion
What is it that I truly desire?
Will I let another smother my embers
Or cultivate my fire?

Take my hand and lead me through
The halls that we once walked
However, I find it hard to approach you
After what happened in our last talk

I'm there again, in that gym
Like, once more, I'm in eight grade
You're doing what you do best
While I'm stuck standing there and afraid

The music is on, playing numb melodies
I should probably start to move
But how I can  bring myself to dance
When I'm hypnotized by you?

It felt like eight grade all over again
But reality followed me into this dream
Because I'm older than I used to be
And someone else had followed me

He wasn't there in presence
But he was floating over the dream
He's the reason I feel guilty
For what I see when I'm asleep

You notice me once and look away
Because you are still hurt by me
But little by little you look again
Then keep a gaze steadily

Nervously, I walk over to you
And ask if we could talk
So you said, still unknowingly
"Sure, I guess we could take a walk"

We walk across the dance floor
To a bench in the corner of the place
Where we talk about feelings and dreams
As a familiar smile spread across your face

Little by little, fingers inched across separate oceans
Our hands got closer still
Until they intertwined within in each other
And ignited the feelings we thought we killed

Eventually, we got up from that bench
To roam throughout our old school
With my head on your shoulder we walked around
Remembering places that we knew

"Remember that time we had tech-ed there together?"
I said in that hallways as I reminisced
"I remember" you said
"But, since then, it is really you that I have missed"

After that, we walked some more and sat together
It was so tangible, it felt like it was true
I could hear, see, touch, and think
Once again, I could feel things for you

But that is the cruelty of my dreams
Everything is so realistic
It feels like life until I wake up suddenly
Alone in my bed and nostalgic

That space I have set up for you is getting harder and harder to maintain
The roof has begun to leak
The floorboards squeak
And there is a clog in the drain

I keep investing time and effort into caring for your place
That I neglect myself
I lose sleep and happiness over your chipping paint exterior
And wonder if it all even matters

But why do I even care if it won't be used
The doorbell has never been rung to that place
That I have set up in my heart
You never checked to see if I was home

You maybe drove by casually on the street
Or tiptoed up the walkway to see if you could see the lights on
But you never once told me you needed me
Or wanted to be that close to visit the place I set up for you

Does it matter that I fixed the roof?
No more rain will seep through its cracks
And did you notice the new floor?
Now it doesn't make a sound when you walk on it

And I repainted the outside
So you would have something pretty to look at
So you could stand back and say
"Wow, this is my place that she built just for me"

The house has become so massive though
It has taken up so much more than I intended
You seep into so many aspects of my life that you don't need to
You are overwhelming me

So maybe one day, I'll just take a sledge hammer
And rip apart the mansion I built
Piece by piece, brick by brick
So you know that it meant something

What a fleetingly beautiful thing
I am
My own body
The way it curves and is hard
In some places
And soft in others
And I look at it
As if I could control that
As if I should try

I think on myself
Touch my skin
And wonder
What is this beautiful
And transient thing?