from the concrete, i grew.. a rose, more thorns than petals.
withering & dull.

growing has been deceptive.
i stopped cutting my wrists and my thighs, i stopped drowning myself in depressing music to cope with depressing thoughts. no longer walking with my head down, no longer crying myself to sleep each night; pillows smothering cries that are loud in the most silent way possible.
to the days *** & intimacy were ways to cope with issues deeper than me.
where being invisible was the only thing i dreamt of.
the desire to just fall off of the face of the earth, to disappear into my darkness and no longer feel anything. i was happier than i ever even realized.

now, i bottle things up. i DEAL..
i don't cry, i don't cut, i deal.
i put a smile on my face and keep my head high, i am the imperfectly painted image that could define the word strong.
i speak positivity, i breathe, i meditate and i know how to channel better energies.. but i am still numb.
though i seem strong, i am still weak! weak because i shut down! i let situations make me cold and hard.. no longer soft and sweet, i no longer feel anything so how does happiness get to play its role in my life?
whatever happens to me, i take and i make situations that should destroy me look like child's play.
there is fire beneath my skin and i am unintentionally still broken.
ive made peace with the parts of me that tell me to give in and that i need someone.
i cant give in.. and i don't need nobody.. nobody needs me
but, i need someone?
being strong is lonely.
being lonely makes me feel weak.
too dependent on myself... "i cannot depend on nobody" so i don't need nobody.
too afraid to let them near me, i would rather be alone than to return to my brokenness. i choose me. i choose lonely over the bittersweet feeling of having someone, because you never really have someone like you wish you did... but i need somebody?

alone with myself, alone with my thoughts..
mind racing because im infatuated with the idea of perfection and control. the only form of perfection i need is the perfect way to get over myself and let go.
i think too much because i am too alone with me.
i don't give anyone the chance to be alone with me because i am busy being alone with myself.
can someone handle all that comes with me? how will i know when the only interaction i have with people consists of me realizing how incapable they are of ever having me on the levels i want to give myself..
i love me. and i know you love me too.. but i love me way more than you.

"this is not to say that i wont ever feel anything for anyone, ever again.. but i will avoid everything i feel for anyone.. at all cost!" *

2 years.. left me broken, insecure, lost.
you tried to pick up the pieces but you failed.. was it my fault? was i too much of something too broken?
i knew i was.. & i warned you. you persisted.
my biggest fear has always been opening up to someone because in the end, i am left alone. by myself. where i started.. but with each time, the temperature drops and it leaves my heart a little bit colder than before.
i told you my fears, i made attempts to clarify my actions.. all you needed was time, i made time out of the little energy i had left..all i needed was time yet you didn't have that.
far from ready, i ignored what i felt in preparation to fix myself because i valued all that you seemed to be.
i was willing and even tho trust has gotten me nowhere and my mind kept reminding me how unloveable i am.. i still dropped all doubt, to fall freely into the words you spoke to me while at my lowest point.
you saved me above all else..
you made me realize how much i didnt realize.
but even tho at that point you made me feel so high, somehow you left me feeling lower than before.
now of all the things i realized, what i realize most is words are a waste. they sound good, and they seem essential but all they really bring is false hope and they channel feelings that are not backed by actions.
now, i dont hear anything.. words fall on deaf ears.
whatever is spoken is dismissed by my fears.

Let's engender a love like an elastic.

Let's create a love where when we're plagued and bombarded with complications,
we still spontaneously recommence our conventional shape,
like an elastic.

Let's create a durable love;
a love where lies and opinions shock us as a whole
but our love is an insulator,
so we remain unaffected
by the lies that lie in the lightning.

Let's create a love where Cupid's arrows no longer have an effect on us because just how in love can two people possibly be?

Let's create a love where roses are over-rated
and who really cares about a violet's true nature when we all know violets are violet and not blue?

I want that elastic love,
whereas we're oblivious to our boundaries and we're too paranoid to test them out because we just may pop.

I want that colorful elastic love;
not that basic black love...
Although I do like the idea of  that black never cracks kinda love.

I want that John Legend give me all of you love,
that you still want my kisses even though I got the flu kinda love.

I want that stick together like glue kinda love,
that walk into a crowded room and all I see is you kinda love.

I want that dream about me and you wake up wet kinda love,
that pet your kitty *** I'm your vet kinda love.

I want that chocolate love...
mixed with some of that mathematical love...
that 1+1= me and you kinda love,
that your skin + my skin= melted chocolate kinda love,
that whisper in your ear and you snicker kinda love,
that make your body parts quiver and purr like a kit-kat kinda love;
...not that slim shady kinda love
but that sweet tooth M&M; kinda love.

I want love and I want you...

I want the tough polymeric substances connecting out hearts to communicate.

Vibe with a ***** one time.