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Oct 12 · 54
casualties of war
jz Oct 12
I shut off in March
I closed my eyes and my ears and glued my heart shut with some ****** expired gorilla glue
I am sorry you were a causality of me
I just forgot that I’m not very good at breathing and changing and holding hands I forgot that I love reading and weeping and you were there and I’m sorry I wasn’t it’s just that I forget myself and hate myself but it was never your fault and you’ll never know how much I cried because I would never admit that anything ever mattered to me that much but I’m sorry I broke my own heart and yours was a causality
Oct 12 · 107
Our Song
jz Oct 12
I spent so long trying to figure out our song
And when it ended I couldn’t hear anymore
Not our song, not anyone’s
Even though it had only been a dull rhythm for a while the silence still hurt
But now I am hearing his humming
I don’t know if I’m ready to hear a new song
The melody is so sweet
#love #beginning #breakup #fear
May 26 · 26
jz May 26
It embarrasses me that I would give everything up, even you, to be someone else
I would fall into the lives of my dreams, my stories, my fantasies, in a heartbeat
and I am sorry for it

It’s not that you’re not important it’s just that when the rain hits my window in the middle of the night so loud that it stirs me you’re not the one there, and it never will be you
And it’s the dumbest ******* thing in the world to say that it isn’t you, but it’s not, because it doesn’t matter that it’s you, or anyone else
I would give anyone up
I have the ability to make everything a task until I dread doing even the things I love most
There’s always an escape, I say
But what do you do with a dead end
You can’t jump through that
It seems I’ve parked myself at a dead end
And it’s me, it’s definitely me
I think I forgot to minimize the casualties

Time has been moving so fast and I’ve been trying to find a reason to be upset about it
I guess I’m just mad at myself too
I’m sorry I haven’t found a way to stop the days from coming
May 26 · 65
jz May 26
The bitter taste in my mouth never seems to go away
It’s acrid
I’ve scrubbed my tongue clean, yet there it is, still gushing through my veins and roaring down my spine
Maybe I’m just too angry all the time
Maybe I don’t have a reason to be
Maybe I’m weak
Sometimes you make cookies and all that’s left is crumbs
I used to pride myself in never crying
I guess I gave that up too
May 4 · 23
the end
jz May 4
the words I read are greater than any thought I could ever have, better than any explanation I could ever give, more of my soul than I have ever let anyone see. I still haven’t accepted that I am not those words and I will never be them, those characters, those stories. But after all, “pulvis et umbra sumus”, he said, “we are dust and shadows”.
Jan 16 · 43
stuck on the ground
jz Jan 16
penguins are birds that can’t even fly
so how useless am I, a human who can’t even love right
I know I am selfish
I know I am broken
To you, I am perfect
penguins can fly through water
water which is 800 times denser than air
if penguins can fly I can find a way to love you right
Oct 2019 · 37
jz Oct 2019
my mom says she needs to talk to me but how am I supposed to listen when all I hear is grinding teeth and cold ice sharp enough to scratch my skin and my dogs won’t stop barking but it’s not their fault they’re supposed to be quiet all the time what if they have something to say sometimes too and no one ever listens to them either and all they want is to play but everyone’s too busy and everyone’s too sad and everyone’s dying so time just goes by because the smell of hospitals is ingrained in my body and stops me in my tracks and I want to sleep all the time not because I am incurably tired but because I am insatiably sad but I need to do my physics homework so please wake up but sometimes I just need to think about something else to distract myself from what you’re saying because I can’t hear this right now. stop.
Jul 2019 · 157
“silence is golden”
jz Jul 2019
I don’t know how to feel because the silence is buzzing too loud and I get ear infections really easily but you didn’t ask me if it hurts because I’d rather hear you scream than ignore me and next time I tell you it’s okay maybe you should ask again because I’m really good at pretending and I’m really good at changing the topic to things that don’t matter like my windows that I always leave open because I like to hear the rain and the storms and everything falls down and my mom gets mad and my fan is really loud so I keep it on so I forget that I’m alone but none of that really matters because I’m too busy anyway and I’m not even home so it’s not like I notice when you don’t respond and when the power goes out and you’re not here to protect me from the monsters under my bed and inside my head but it’s not like I asked you to so why would I even be upset when you don’t notice my big bruises and scratches but I don’t like attention so why do I want yours because it’s not like I’m dependent sometimes it’s just too quiet
Jul 2019 · 122
i need you
jz Jul 2019
Jul 2019 · 274
jz Jul 2019
One time my sister asked me how love is always so easy for me

But the way I love is the same way people write with their left hands
I don’t, and if I do I do it poorly
I am a book shut with super glue
A vault with no key

But he is different
He isn’t love he is my love
He says the dumbest things
But every time it makes me grin like I’m in the worst love movie you’ve ever seen
His stupid hair and his stupid smile
He has my stupid key

I tell her my secret
The way I fell in love with him
The way I fall in love with him every day
I don’t look for love the same way I don’t search the sky for rain drops
It just begins to drizzle then suddenly it pours all at once
you don’t need to jump when you’re already falling
Jul 2019 · 265
jz Jul 2019
Talking is easy when it doesn’t matter
but when the weight of the world rests on my shoulders to croak out a single sentence
Forget it
He thinks we’re on the same page
I guess sometimes he forgets I read too fast
Jun 2019 · 111
jz Jun 2019
He always held my hand a little too hard
“I like us better when we're wasted”
Was a little too rough when he pushed me down
“It makes it easier to fake it”
Never really asked
“The only time we really talk”
if that’s what I wanted
“Is when our clothes are coming off”
Never really asked
“I like us better when we're wasted”
if he could hurt me
Lyrics from Tiësto’s “Wasted”
Jun 2019 · 69
jz Jun 2019
not just when we’re happy and things are going well;
I want to be with you always
May 2019 · 126
jz May 2019
I stand in my kitchen at 3:11 on a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon waiting for the toaster to pop and realize never in my life have I felt so alone
May 2019 · 533
goodnight kisses
jz May 2019
I write when I get insomnia
drawing in the dark is rather hard
I’ve written a lot the past weeks
and slept little
I’ve never been in his bed yet I long for it
I’m addicted without ever tasting it
In cold sweats awake at night
I need more
I wouldn’t need to write late at night if I had his skin to write all over
His lips to draw all over
and to kiss goodnight
May 2019 · 53
jz May 2019
Wake up, shoot yourself in the foot, cry about it, I guess. Rip off your toe nails, you don’t need them anyway. Choke yourself, but only metaphorically. Run, run, run in the rain, far, far away. Get hit by a car, saving a cat, fall down, down, down into the rabbit hole, panic

— The End —