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jz Oct 12
I shut off in March
I closed my eyes and my ears and glued my heart shut with some ****** expired gorilla glue
I am sorry you were a causality of me
I just forgot that I’m not very good at breathing and changing and holding hands I forgot that I love reading and weeping and you were there and I’m sorry I wasn’t it’s just that I forget myself and hate myself but it was never your fault and you’ll never know how much I cried because I would never admit that anything ever mattered to me that much but I’m sorry I broke my own heart and yours was a causality
jz Oct 12
I spent so long trying to figure out our song
And when it ended I couldn’t hear anymore
Not our song, not anyone’s
Even though it had only been a dull rhythm for a while the silence still hurt
But now I am hearing his humming
I don’t know if I’m ready to hear a new song
The melody is so sweet
#love #beginning #breakup #fear
jz May 26
It embarrasses me that I would give everything up, even you, to be someone else
I would fall into the lives of my dreams, my stories, my fantasies, in a heartbeat
and I am sorry for it

It’s not that you’re not important it’s just that when the rain hits my window in the middle of the night so loud that it stirs me you’re not the one there, and it never will be you
And it’s the dumbest ******* thing in the world to say that it isn’t you, but it’s not, because it doesn’t matter that it’s you, or anyone else
I would give anyone up
I have the ability to make everything a task until I dread doing even the things I love most
There’s always an escape, I say
But what do you do with a dead end
You can’t jump through that
It seems I’ve parked myself at a dead end
And it’s me, it’s definitely me
I think I forgot to minimize the casualties

Time has been moving so fast and I’ve been trying to find a reason to be upset about it
I guess I’m just mad at myself too
I’m sorry I haven’t found a way to stop the days from coming
jz May 26
The bitter taste in my mouth never seems to go away
It’s acrid
I’ve scrubbed my tongue clean, yet there it is, still gushing through my veins and roaring down my spine
Maybe I’m just too angry all the time
Maybe I don’t have a reason to be
Maybe I’m weak
Sometimes you make cookies and all that’s left is crumbs
I used to pride myself in never crying
I guess I gave that up too
jz May 4
the words I read are greater than any thought I could ever have, better than any explanation I could ever give, more of my soul than I have ever let anyone see. I still haven’t accepted that I am not those words and I will never be them, those characters, those stories. But after all, “pulvis et umbra sumus”, he said, “we are dust and shadows”.
jz Oct 2019
my mom says she needs to talk to me but how am I supposed to listen when all I hear is grinding teeth and cold ice sharp enough to scratch my skin and my dogs won’t stop barking but it’s not their fault they’re supposed to be quiet all the time what if they have something to say sometimes too and no one ever listens to them either and all they want is to play but everyone’s too busy and everyone’s too sad and everyone’s dying so time just goes by because the smell of hospitals is ingrained in my body and stops me in my tracks and I want to sleep all the time not because I am incurably tired but because I am insatiably sad but I need to do my physics homework so please wake up but sometimes I just need to think about something else to distract myself from what you’re saying because I can’t hear this right now. stop.
jz Jul 2019
I don’t know how to feel because the silence is buzzing too loud and I get ear infections really easily but you didn’t ask me if it hurts because I’d rather hear you scream than ignore me and next time I tell you it’s okay maybe you should ask again because I’m really good at pretending and I’m really good at changing the topic to things that don’t matter like my windows that I always leave open because I like to hear the rain and the storms and everything falls down and my mom gets mad and my fan is really loud so I keep it on so I forget that I’m alone but none of that really matters because I’m too busy anyway and I’m not even home so it’s not like I notice when you don’t respond and when the power goes out and you’re not here to protect me from the monsters under my bed and inside my head but it’s not like I asked you to so why would I even be upset when you don’t notice my big bruises and scratches but I don’t like attention so why do I want yours because it’s not like I’m dependent sometimes it’s just too quiet
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