I've seen you time and time again.
Each time my heart complains.

I said I'd rein myself
But all I've done is constrict myself,
Fitting more pain into less space.

But hope was lighter than regret.
A pang a day is better
Than to long all day.

Never have I written this much.
To write requires inspiration.
To write more distills inspiration.
Or have you given me more?
I'm not sure I want to know.
But true to myself I'll be.

I'll see what others think.
But still think for myself upon that.
For opinion has the value of the giver.
One that differs for who the giver gives.

I told them I needed time.
That time I'll take,
To hold face,
gain control.
Then I'll see what feels right,
Trying not to see how you react.
My actions shouldn't care,
Even if my heart does.
I'll try not to see how you react.

You talk to him,
He talks to you,
You (both) smile.

Why do I notice?
Now I know:
My heart I can't rein.
Like the stallion pulling the bit,
My actions will you see.
Calm.
That me is reined.

I am reined.
You will not see what I see.
For I chose,
And hold that choice.
For I believe,
We can both have the best,
In time,
Even apart.

I saw you.
All choices are grey.
You smile,
You don't know.
My heart constricts,
I write.

Could I rein myself?
For a different grey,
Perhaps lighter.
Could I rein myself?

All choices are grey.
But regret is darker.
And hope is lighter.

I shall rein myself.

I made a choice.
Once delayed,
but that was another.
Don't know if it hurt her,
It hurt me.
This time I won't let that be.

Nothing is black or white they say.
But what about choice?
No choice is grey.

So I chose,
unlike before:
Not considering those I'd hurt.

But I know they hurt,
of my fault:
I hurt.

No choice is grey?

I was blank,
I hadn't known you much,
Hadn't interacted with you on a daily basis.
It would take a while to understand.

Once in a while I'd think about you.
Little thoughts that would make me think of you,
They like paper pellets hitting a wall,
Effect less.
Memories forbidden to connect with reality.

You've stopped.
All I've left of you is the good memories,
Those make me smile,
In grief and joy.

I smile.
I guess you still live
A bright memory to better my day.

For now I'll carry on,
With the clawed hand gripping my heart,
Today is not my day.


To Wolf