Don't think about her,
They say.
Don't think about a pink elephant.



Yeah... you get the idea.

But it's worse if you've seen the pink elephant.
Such a thing does not leave your heart easy.

Sure, you could think of a blue elephant.
But I,
I would feel guilty.

Sometimes you expect more of someone,
Because you
Would do that much.
And it hurts to realise
That you don’t have:

A rope to grasp,
A wall to lean on.

That you walk on a floor,
Whose tiles unfeelingly dissolve,
Letting you fall into the abyss,
With no rope to grasp.

That the one that haddock your turns to wind,
Letting you lose your balance,
With no wall to lean on.

An emptiness so vast,
Barley contained,
Held within a fist of flesh,
Pulsing with despair.

R. I. P. poi,
They said.
I wasn't sure what that meant.
You face only vaguely familiar.
Then I walked in to school...

Twas no ghost town,
Twas the town of dead.
Sullen forms gliding along.
So I wasn't down with grief.
But I somehow felt like I'd blasphemed.

We'd walked the over same grass.
Been taught by the same teachers.
Bumped
into each other.

Yet you were faceless to me.
No name,
No memory,
Only guilt.

Maybe you felt like me,
In the lands of Hades.
Walking through asphodel.

Nay.
From what I hear:
You walk Elysium.

We talked.
No I was rude,
You talked at me.
I listened,
Pretending I didn't,
You knew.

But with that I got something better.
An essence,
One I'll use again and again.

You showed me my eyes made me who I am.
Your weakness define your strengths,
So should you really rush to erase your weaknesses?

Nay, I'd rather be wise:
Strengthen my strengths,
Acknowledge my weakness.
Then I won't trip over them.

I'll consciously work around them,
Casually get where I need to go.

It's a lot of work to fill your weaknesses,
Work I could put in becoming wise.

Thanks Wolf.

I acted.
Harshly,
'Tis true.
But is that all that maters,
When one judges an action.

I let go.
Wrongly,
Of my control.
But is that all that maters,
When one judges an action.

When an intention is sincere,
And an action wrong,
While others condemn both.
What matters.
When one judges an action.

Ay, the action was wrong,
But what of those who condemn for their own benefit.
Is it right to contend their words,
Or should I bare,
For wrong action done.

How does one judge oneself,
When no standard holds.
When,
Nor your mind,
Nor others' mind
Gives you anything to stand on.

Rebirth,
It was not like spring,
Releasing me from winter,
Nor was I winter,
Turning to spring.

So long had I laid there.
Mud squirming around,
The grounded boot;
Did stomp,
Cruelly.

But nature was part of it.
Bare feet,
In the mud.
Toes and mud dancing,
Squirming.

But not for revenge.
For truth in beauty,
In seeing the two:
Toes and mud
Together,
Shape one another for growth.

For nothing feels better,
To walk a land,
Sowed again;
Ready to grow.

Take a handful of humans,
Or more.
Put them together,
Close enough to interact.

They make rules,
They act upon rules,
Punish those who don't.

Not all rules are written,
Break the Unwritten,
Suffer the Unwritten.

You can't act differently than others.
Different is breaking the Unwritten,
Suffering the Unwritten.

But society is unhappy.
So what does one do?
Test the Unwritten,
Or suffer anyways.

I've been told
To listen to my heart,
To refrain from logical comparison.
Because when you heart is concerned,
Emotions don't follow the rules.
That is their strengths,
That is their beauty,
That is the danger.

But this heart doesn't know what to feel,
And when it asks the mind,
The mind only tells the heart
Why either of them can't decide.
Buy when the heart can't decide,
It asks the mind,
Lest it hurt,
Till it give up.

I told them I needed time.
That time I'll take,
To hold face,
gain control.
Then I'll see what feels right,
Trying not to see how you react.
My actions shouldn't care,
Even if my heart does.
I'll try not to see how you react.

Ever listened to song,
Or sound.
Once liked.
Now festered with new meaning.

Tendrils snaking to your heart,
A piece of the world you no longer wish feel.

Yet it hurts to turn away.
To turn away from the truth.
Behind the song:
A real piece of this world,
You can no longer touch.

A fantom limb,
A cursed itch.
Across your heart,
A deep unhealed cut

Why is it that we can be jealous of a thing we pushed away?
Is it because if I can't have it,
I don't want anyone to have it.
Let's call it,
Her.

Even though:
This jealousy is unfair;
To her,
To me.

I'm so irritated with high school,
Sundays are worse than weekdays.  
Great, I moved on from living in the past,
To living in the future.
So how do you pull back?

Guess that's the big next step.
But right now,
I'm irritated.

If you are family we have common kin.
If you are friend we have common acquittance.

Best friend, we have common friends.
Stranger, We have nothing in common.

So who do I turn to, with troubles in my circles.

For none who understand can truly keep my thoughts.

Life doesn't give you what you want,
When you want it.
The more you wanna take,
The less you get.

But what do you do when you've renounced to something,
And life gives it to you,
When you've become afraid,
To reach for what you want.

When what you renounce to,
For reasons you believe in,
Comes back in sight,
The reasons dissolved.

You go with the flow,
Life's put something in front of you.
And you should just feel it.
Don't over reach.

But what of determination,
And achievement.
Why shouldn't you strive?

How about striving inwards?
You always have options,
Learn to surf the waves,
Don't dive, don't try to outrun.
Strive to balance;
It's time live.

I wanna go on an adventure.
Break the rules.
But that's only fun for a while.
I want something that will last.
Something true.

They say you need a job.
They say you need an income.
To sustain the family,
To tell Them what They told you.

But no one tells you to be happy,
No one tells you nothing matters when you're happy.

Find a way to be happy,
Live a life where nothing really matters,
Be happy.

Run to make distance
With those who catch up.

Run to observe
Whose who torment.

Beware, lest tou run
With ease and length
For these catch up.

Run fast and short,
Stop and turn,
Observe.

Those who torment catch up.

Stand firm,
Those who catch up keep going.

Thoughful, weave through
With knowledge observed.

Let those who catch up
Pass
For they can’t turn back.

I've seen you time and time again.
Each time my heart complains.

I said I'd rein myself
But all I've done is constrict myself,
Fitting more pain into less space.

But hope was lighter than regret.
A pang a day is better
Than to long all day.

Things, can't make you happy.
I fear,
I want a start a life.
But am I not living one already?
So I am I really just asking for a Thing,
In hope of happiness?

Even if I know the difference,
Can I live it?

I was blank,
I hadn't known you much,
Hadn't interacted with you on a daily basis.
It would take a while to understand.

Once in a while I'd think about you.
Little thoughts that would make me think of you,
They like paper pellets hitting a wall,
Effect less.
Memories forbidden to connect with reality.

You've stopped.
All I've left of you is the good memories,
Those make me smile,
In grief and joy.

I smile.
I guess you still live
A bright memory to better my day.

For now I'll carry on,
With the clawed hand gripping my heart,
Today is not my day.


To Wolf

To write is to remember.

Write the good,
The pleasant,
The joy.
Then go to sleep.


Tomorrow  when night comes after a long day,
And one looks forward to a long sleep,
Write the good,
The pleasant,
The joy.
Then go to sleep.

Tomorrow when night comes after a long day,
And one looks forward to a long sleep,
Write the good,
The pleasant,
The joy.
Then go to sleep.

Day by day the sun shall set.
Day by day the moon shall rise.
One shall smile and
Write the good,
The pleasant,
The joy.
Then go to sleep.

Then,
The sun shall rise
The body shall rise.
This time,
The mind follows,
The heart follows.

For days have been remembered well.
And the eyes- window to the soul-
Look ahead grateful and trusting.

I do not love for your body,
Nor personality.

I love you:
The art
With which you mix the two.
Art that grows with time.
Forever more beautiful with time.

I made a choice.
Once delayed,
but that was another.
Don't know if it hurt her,
It hurt me.
This time I won't let that be.

Nothing is black or white they say.
But what about choice?
No choice is grey.

So I chose,
unlike before:
Not considering those I'd hurt.

But I know they hurt,
of my fault:
I hurt.

No choice is grey?

Never have I written this much.
To write requires inspiration.
To write more distills inspiration.
Or have you given me more?
I'm not sure I want to know.
But true to myself I'll be.

I'll see what others think.
But still think for myself upon that.
For opinion has the value of the giver.
One that differs for who the giver gives.

I saw you.
All choices are grey.
You smile,
You don't know.
My heart constricts,
I write.

Could I rein myself?
For a different grey,
Perhaps lighter.
Could I rein myself?

All choices are grey.
But regret is darker.
And hope is lighter.

I shall rein myself.

You talk to him,
He talks to you,
You (both) smile.

Why do I notice?
Now I know:
My heart I can't rein.
Like the stallion pulling the bit,
My actions will you see.
Calm.
That me is reined.

I am reined.
You will not see what I see.
For I chose,
And hold that choice.
For I believe,
We can both have the best,
In time,
Even apart.

Something has shifted.
No longer ******* I myself against you.
I overlay.
My heart is free in other planes.
My actions relaxed.

'Twas not my heart I need stop
But its twisted crave.
Now unrolled,
Untwisted,
Relaxed,
On other planes.

Yet brittle,
I fear it crisp again.

I was a fool to think I'd rein myself
For lighter days.
I can't bare the glimpse of you
Just once a day.

A choice is grey.
I have no say.

No time will yield control.
My actions held back,
I'll let my heart run free
Of the darkness I've made of you
In my world.

One may wonder why hold back?
Might it be the fear of an end.
Or strength in holding principle?
Is the later to hide the former?

To many ends would make another
Nothing more than just another.

We could not last,
Our times are different.
I won't make you another.

Let my actions carry my heart away.
Sad to say:
Away from the eyes,
Away from the heart.

Unless two heart be
The effort to be together.

Away from my eyes I shall not long
The effort to be together.

I've written a lot.
Magnified the issue
Beyond understanding,
I drowned.

I forgot that every one,
Is the best while it lasts,
Then comes another.

If that's true
Why fear that every one becomes just another?
A question for later.
These five moons define all moons to to come.

I'll give them the attention I'd give
The one I'd be with
For all moons to come.

Let me live in care free joy
For you are not the worry of these five moons.
Beyond that we have our paths.
You are then not the worry
Of any season to come.