Somedays i'm wasting away, others I'm feeling great
even with a lot on my plate I can satiate
my need
my want
a desire for attention and camaraderie or is it companionship

I'm afloat,
on a ship,
one that we all call loneliness

I'm gonna sink,
I can't swim,
this whole trip's just been hit or miss

and I don't know what I even want anymore
i've convinced myself of something
i don't know if i can afford
and
If i write more checks my *** can't cash
maybe i can finally be bold, or brash
relax,
they say just let it all happen

I don't know what i want or what's going to work out
but maybe in the future i can workout
and get my personality ****** out,
finally not an *******,
right i wish, like **** no

i'm never gonna be done but maybe i can finally get a *******
start on my life and do something for once
instead of wasting time and just sitting on my *** falling apart seam by seam like stacks of paper, reams and reams, i'll see you all in my dreams it seems like i'm done i'm finished, i've won, it's over, i'm gone, goodbye friends, lovers, enemies, goodbye.

I've never been good at math.

Even my friends would tease me when I got an answer wrong.

"4?!" they would say incredulously.
"How did you get 4?"
"I don't know, I guess I didn't do it right."
"Nobody else got four, so you messed up a lot!"

I was good at other things though,
writing,
acting,
being funny and well liked.

People actively hung out with me and wanted to be friends with me.

But the moment I messed up they were on me,
hyenas circling their soon to be meal.

I think they were jealous.

I'm not stupid.

i seem like i am though.

my whole life, my parents have looked at me as a disappointment.
didn't join the sports team,
don't want to be a doctor,
can't do well in school,
born with a silver spoon up his ***,
never worked a day in his life,
a disappointment, and overall
a failure.

My parents tried to have kids before, but I was the first success.

They decided one was enough.

-

When I turned 5, I joined kindergarten.
Since I was the best reader and smartest kid in the class,
I got extra spelling words and more homework.

It was supposed to foster early developmental skills and
promote my genius.

Instead I only have memories of dad screaming at me at the top of his lungs because I couldn't spell two right.

"JOSHUA IT'S THE 3RD TIME! TWO NOT TOW!!" he yelled.

But how could I know any better?

-

every moment with them is a reminder of how they treated me

yet they act like they've been perfect.

mom, always working
dad, always screaming

since day one it's all been my fault

ruining their lives, or so they make it seem

i'm so tired

it's been 20 years now

and i just wish i could have my own **** life back.

Lost in my mind in my body in my soul,
I don't know what I want anymore, but isn't that how the world crumbles

I need people in my life. Friends, lovers, enemies, anything.
Feeling like **** is still a feeling, and boy am I swimming in it.

Maybe my prospects are potential crutches for me, letting me move forward.
Why should I help myself when I can instead help others?

How can a businessman expect to succeed when his heart speaks louder than his mind?
Let me swim in a sea of tears, drown in a river of blood.
When did I become such a broken, sad man?

Simpler times call for simpler pleasures, of which I have neither.
Breathe into me the spirit of life and watch me choke on it and perish.
Bottle up your feelings and put them on a shelf for everyone to see.
Drink out of the bottles and think fondly of those memories.

I am not what I seem.

I am strong. And confidant, and a confidante to everyone's swan song
our groups used to get along, but now like a stolen watch the time has gone.

People often regard destruction as beautiful, a sort of chaotic beauty that prevails through violent actions.
If this is the case, I am, emotionally, the most beautiful being to walk this earth.

I am attractive. I am smart. I am attractive. I am smart.
Repetition is often used to emphasize or persuade someone of something. It's been **** well long enough and I want to get out there.

I have too much **** in my life and I just want something to be relaxing and helpful in my life for ******* once.

Why can't I just have peace and friendship or companionship or ******* anything nice and calm and helpful for one ******* day?

Sleep can't help me now. Nothing can help
me now. As many people care, and as sure as I am that the number of people that do care is less than or equal to zero, I still regret waking up every day. How hard is it to feel

When do the days grow into hours grow into grow in grow to the
     top of the forest where the environment sways back and forth
          on unstable ground where everything is constantly shifting
and sinking deeper and
                           deeper and
                                d
                           ­      e
                                  e
                           ­        p
                                    e
                         ­            r, to the point where nothing even matters anymore and the only sounds anybody hears are just the bittersweet echoes of whatever ounce of sadness you still have saved for a special occasion. Represent the resentment that resides in the recesses of your wretched receptacle that reaches for any affection afflicted amorously to our attached arteries and alveoli and attend to any of our other needs. Remember not to cast asunder others or to deprecate mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers who should love one another for each other as well as the lovers who quiver and shudder at affection and attention reflected at their functioning conjunction of otherworldly love for one another. Know what you want and need and see to it that you get to be the best you could be and tell yourself to be free! Scream to your creators and scream to yourself that I, yes I can be whatever I want to be and whatever social constructions will not let me see, then I wish to be freed and I get down on both knees and pray to whomever will hear my dreams.

Know that there is no being more powerful in your life than you. You are the Alpha and Omega, the Logos and the Pathos, the Shakespeare and the Limp Bizkit. Everything that you ever want is an achievable aspiration, and all you need to do is know. Know. Know. Know. Know. Know that when you grow old and frail and brittle that your body will ache with the experience of a person who has been to hell and back and maybe back to hell one more time because you were young and never learned. So play games, jump and run, dance and sing, do something you'd never do normally, try out for the play, play sports, write a poem, write a song, write anything at all, talk to people, talk to strangers, sleep for 4 hours instead of 8, sleep for 12 hours instead of 4, think and think and think until it drives you to drink and think some more. Know that you wish and wish to know that everything you want and need is obtainable and in your reach. Life is alive and wants you to live, so show Life respect and do what it wants you to do: Go.

Is everyone right?
Does anyone care?
Is anyone left?
How did they fare?

How did they stand,
with their feet on the ground,
when all I ever did,
was beat them all down?
I want it to all be over.

Does it even matter?
Should I even try?
Does the past pitter-patter,
or just make you cry?

Bad memories they follow,
like a cold winter storm,
but when it blows over,
new ones are born.
I wish it were colder.

Make it a journey,
make it a trip,
live out your life,
and shoot from the hip.
Nobody knows, Nobody sees,
when your life's been well over,
and cut at the knees,
Bad memories they find you,
like a solider shoots straight,
if you dodge out the way,
you're just tempting fate.

It's not a job interview
I don't expect it to be

I walked into the meeting and saw him
him
him

who?
why should I care and why does it matter?

I don't have friends here, I don't need friends here
all I need is my brain to stop

I wish my brain was
like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

It's 4am and I'm laying awake half naked
worried about money and life, but that's
nothing new.
What the **** am I doing with my life and where
is the next step of the equation?

It's just like math,
all the tools are there right in front of me,
but I just don't understand and I'm too afraid to ask
how to proceed.


Emotionally, I'm a wreck.
Socially, I'm a wreck.
Mentally, I'm a wreck.
Physically, I'm alright.

Overall, I'm just ******* confused.
How many tears have to fall on my pillow
before something finally clicks in my messed up
pile of **** I call a brain?

Help me.

Today was not a bust or a wash, but instead a push.
A day where nothing was lost, but nothing was gained.

I accomplished nothing today because there was nothing that needed to be accomplished.

As the days go on I will be more appreciative of these days that don't mean so much to me now. I chatted with some old friends, told them stories that were just lies tied to dumb jokes.

Listen to whatever music I happen to stumble upon and spend my life watching others enjoy themselves for my enjoyment. I talked about going home today, and where I want to go after this whole "Adventure" they call it is over.

I recollected all the places I've been that I enjoy. NYC: busy, but a beautiful bustling that would keep me busy, Salt Lake City: a blanket spread all throughout Utah, expansive as well as calming. California: a modern vibe that screams tourism and tries to hide it's problems, New Jersey, an interesting place that needs more research in my heart. A mix of city, nature, as well as ocean that never ceased to captivate me for the one week I was there, and the food, oh the food was unbelievable, hearty pastas and pieces of pizza pie that dripped with flavor.

I've never been much for pasta sauce as most people I know buy store bought Ragu and I don't much like the taste. But my uncle makes an unreal sauce that takes hours to cook and contains extra ****** olive oil and smells like a beautiful savory taste in my mouth.

I heat up, and wish that I was never cold again and want to sleep for 4 years and wake up in that place, wherever that may be. Your life revolves around you, but remember to have common decency for your fellow human beings. Let life take you where you want it to, like a passenger inside a taxi. Take me to Lex and leave me there.

Fresh, fleshed out
my feelings and emotions flushed, hushed, must
be on their way to make me better.

Fast, flashed bout
maybe I'm finally becoming who i want, flaunt, to
see on his way to make his life better.