The words I wanted to say didn't come out
I smile and gaze into your eyes – unsure
Unsure if you feel the same
– tensions are high – the silence unbearable
I have to say it . . . but should I wait . . .
You're waiting for the words to come
I wanted to wait and have this conversation later
But here we are
         On your bed again
                       And my mind's gone blank
                                 "Use your words!"

Okay . . Here we go . . .
This is happening now!
   . . .       . . .       . . .       . . .       . . .       . . .      
         . . .       . . .       . . .       . . .       . . .       . . .

Was it really that hard?
– I still felt I could have said it better –
But she really doesn't care, care that I made no sense . .
She's still pleased with me – Even though I'm beating myself up for rambling, saying nothing for 10 min., I didn't really say nothing – but it wasn't eloquent!

I should stop thinking out loud.
   Do that beforehand . . .
   Anxiety has melted away – now she's in my arms
            Soon enough I'll tell her, give it time . . .

Trapped and abandoned
The house I live in is filled with empty smiles
They think they know who they are
The play the part so perfectly, but no
– it is all just a lie –
Don't fake like you love and understand me
Stop living the lie and come back down
(Is this abandonment)
Alone with hope – hope in abandonment
Abandonment which leads me to know who I really am
The world lives on while the battle in my head
defines who I will come to be
For life, marked change means hope anew
A better day can only be ahead
Externally it seems desperate,
but know this: I am propelled forward by abandonment.
My identity is secure now – defined by what crushes the souls of men and destroys the hope of ever being loved again.
Acceptance is what I make of it: Defined by lack.

– Love to be loved.
It is a deep longing I have these days,
to hold her in my arms
to kiss her soft lips.
There is something settling about love,
maybe knowing that finally I have found the one,
the one who loves me back
the one who listens and remembers.
Desire. It drives me the distance.
Beauty. Outward beauty never lasts – intrinsic beauty does.
               to hold her tightly in my arms,
               she knows I think about us all the time,
               – maybe I am obsessed about love
One of these days I will tell her.
Tell her of all the plans I have for us,
For our happiness . . .
             The world only sees external beauty,
             but no one knows her like I do . . .
             – maybe I am obsessed with love
Now that I know she too wants me
It drives me the distance.
Time well spent is late nights with her.
It is a deep longing I have these days,
            Love to be loved, all my affections –

I never thought you'd be the one
be the one to hurt me the most
But now I know how you feel
living everyday with regret & pain
Yeah, it cuts deep – thinking we had something special
I think back to the words you spoke . . .
. . . those meaningless words – they bring a tear to my eye
I wipe it away violently, to regain composure . . .
emotionless you'd never think I was broken inside
How can I recover from cuts so deep?
– the blade I hold now doesn't match to you

If I lived another day I would go mad!
The hurt overwhelms my body
                                                        and overshadows the past

It's the same old cycle, meaningless words
from a cold heart, cutting deep, deeper than
the blade I now hold to my skin.

Wanting to be wanted by the one
the one who I have never met
I think, maybe our paths have crossed?
Make a wish: ______
I always thought I would be with her by this age, but no . . . .
Working hard towards the larger goal – the bigger calling – neglecting my interpersonal needs and interactions . . .
On the outside everyone sees success
On the inside I'm lonely and uncertain.
– But who?
                    Who is there to be honest with,
                    honest and open about my emotions,
                    fears, and hopes?
Wanting to be wanted by the one
I know she is out there – it's just a matter of time.
Make a wish, it's eleven-eleven.

December 2nd, 2015 – you fell asleep in my arms . .
Remember the conversation we had, if you could change one thing about you what would it be? You're beautiful. You think you aren't, but this time you're wrong! Nothing anyone says, and no judgmental look will make me think any less of you, your eyes are my favorite, and your chin (even though you hate it) makes you you!
You fell asleep in my arms! You trust me!? I gazed on your face and thought quietly to myself, how lucky I am to have met you at this time in my life! Your breathing slows and becomes deeper as you slowly drift off to sleep. Your arm twitches, your warm body across my chest . . I touch your arm it gives me a settling feeling of belonging, it's like you're mine already. You were always mine.

Girl, this is the happiest I've ever been, words can't even express how my heart longs for you now, miles away in this cold bed, I fight sleepy eyes to pen these words before I forget. This is love. You fell asleep in my arms for the first time, I'll never forget and I'll never get over it.