Shuffling
Shuffling
Shuffling
The endless
Shuffle

People yapping
Throats vibrating
Mouths moving
No recognition of the sounds
Emanating from their
Empty skulls

Clocks tick
Eyes blink
Hair raises
And settles again
Nothing to see here
No need for alarm
No apologies accepted

And then they search
And search
To no avail
That hole
Needs some dirt
And there's only one
Thing
Needed

Another body
Another warm, breathing, shuffling, yapping
Body
Equipped with only the most sophisticated
Of modern technologies

A brain

Applications accepted

They say to go your own way
And then they say not to take chances
Be an individual
But don't be too weird
Because if you're too far out there
Or if you dream too much
They tell you to grow up
And when you do
If you listen to them
They tell you to loosen up
Undo your tie
Take a breather
So right now
I'm stuck
Between
Deep
Breaths
And
Self-induced
Suffocation

Two

Times again
Again and again
Spinning three sixty
Three sixty and drop

Two

People holding
Hands in the rain
Drops drip and drop
Again on clenched fingers

Two

Cars rolling
Through red
Lights and bam
Crash and burn

Two

Funerals too
Black and bare to
Bear so you crawl up
In a ball and **** your thumb

Two

More times
Before I'm done and
Sit down for
Peace & quiet

19
***
Slurpees
Good music
Stunted moral judgment
Good friends, good times, good fun

i never understood people
who preferred tapping on keys
to gripping a beautiful pen
and scratching thoughts on
paper

tapping, tapping, tapping away
all day
has it's advantages
but in the end
it feels so
hollow
so

empty

but still
here i am
tapping
tapping
tapping
tapping
away
staring at my pen
glaring at my paper
tapping
away

"Shala, la, la, la live for today. Don't worry about tomorrow, hey-ey..."*

I'm sitting on the edge of my bed listening to songs that make me miss her. I hear her voice in the words of strangers. I see her face before me, though only thin air rests between myself and my vision of her. Her long black hair, falls over her shoulders like Niagara. Her eyes shine on par with the light of the Sun cranked to maximum. My heart sinks at the same time that it floats. Such an odd feeling. It's like dying and being brought back to life by a mysterious, elegant, beautiful angel who you know can't be of the same species as you. It's dramatic but so is this feeling. She makes me want to write. To record every feeling I have as they wash over me like deep blue waves on a vacant beach at twilight, everything illuminated only by the light of the Moon. She exhilarates me, overwhelms me and takes me over. Holds me captive as if she's cast a Heavenly spell on me to keep me utterly and seemingly permanently in a state of grace. All of this while I just sit here, alone. Just thinking, waiting, wondering, contemplating. And I can't get over the stereotype that I'm supposed to be the "tough" one. I'm supposed to be the one who takes the word "love" and twists it, molds it into something that's insignificant. Something that is only for young girls to swoon over and devastatingly and beautifully infected by. Well, I guess I prove that caveman stereotype wrong. I'm a mess. And it's all because I'm just thinking about her. Running through, in my own head, our next encounter. Each time I see her, I feel like I'm being woken up. Being yanked out of a drab and dim dream only to be pulled into the most amazing vision of content and happiness that I can even comprehend. It's a wonder I can even conceive of such things. And I have her to thank for that. I have her to thank for pulling me from a slow and agonizing every day life that was only inching me closer and closer to another spiritual death. She rescued me, kidnapped me with her cupped hands stretched out toward me. And inside her little hands was my heart, my brain, my lungs, my legs, my arms, my life.

And for some reason... I think I understand why love is so often compared to death. I've fallen in love. And as I did, I died. Only to resurrected again with a brand new body, a brand new heart and brain and perspective. Now, I can't even imagine what would have happened if she hadn't killed me.

playing with bright light.
desperate to make it right.
everything is a muddy fight.
when you shoot on sight.
everyone's got their gripe,
marginalized into hate or like.

so take the time out.
breathe, breathe in and out.
I never meant to shout.
but then things got too loud.
things always get too loud.

you walk around like nothing's wrong.
I sit down and time is long.
feeling like a little, useless pawn.
where can I find the comfort to lay down?
why don't you just go on your way?
no one here asked you to stay.

I want to live in the woods
Immersed deeply
In solitude and estrangement
From all who know my face and voice
A man, unknown
Even to those who once thought
They knew

I take comfort in time
And the nature by which it exists and operates
I'm in love with the idea
That the past knows it's place
And that the future is deaf, blind and dumb
I am the one who gives it everything
Sight, sound, speech
Life

While I can't
At this very moment
Give myself the gift
Of solitude
Of anonymity
I am not confused
I am not worried
I am past those hellish thoughts and hopes
I now just sit
In the bright lights
Throbbing red on the radar
Contemplating which
To grant it first
Which to focus on
Or if I should
Grant it anything

Cut your hair.
Lose some weight.
Take off that hat.
Don't even think about those earrings.
Why would you want a tattoo?
Go to school.
Meet a nice boy/girl.
Don't walk so close to the edge.
Never walk in the street.
Always put on your seatbelt.
Just don't think about it.
Stop whining.
Why are you always chewing with your mouth open?
Go to your room.
Don't do what I do, do what I say.
Listen to me.

Get up
The minutes pass you by
Mechanically
They've no need to lie
To you
Passively watch as they wave
You're glued
To this path you've long paved
Your way has been set

In and out and out and in
Situations predetermined before you knew
There is no real way to win
Now, you find yourself turning blue
You were green at the start
Eager to get it done with ease
But now that that part
Is over you just want sleep
Forever in the menagerie of eternity
Heavy on your head and thoughts
Long is gone, the vanity of deceit
This is the life that your family has bought

Fearing a life of struggle and pain
Unsure of the path of least resistence
To join an organization, the same
As everyone won't give you a listen
To fight a war of secrecy
Killing innocents with a smile
Innocence is lost, you see
Might as well run your mile
But this life promised so much more
Your hopes and dreams scowl at your incompetence
Everything was so bright and white before
Now things continue to make no obvious sense

In this day and age
It's 2014
That's fourteen years
Past 2000
Yes
Count them
F o u r t e e n
Years into the twenty first century
The century of space
According to film and literature
The century of progress
And the century of new ideas

Keeping this in mind
It's a wonder that everyone
And everything, by association
Seems to still be hypnotized
In my country at least
I love where I live
And I believe it's one of the greatest places
To grow and to learn and to teach
But I think more people ought to start thinking
And thinking about old ideas
And the concept of materialism
And the ideas of progress and prosperity

Hate only creates more hate
No?
Just look at any hate filled person
To ever exist
They hated
And then people hated them
For, in turn, hating them in the first place
It's a never ending cycle
Of persecution
And devastation
And extermination

On the other hand
We have love
Love plus love
Equal?
More love
That's right
And the only thing
The only power
In this world
That we all have in equal measure
Is the propensity
To love
And with love comes progress
And with love and progress
Comes
More love and progress
And things we can't even imagine

Because the whole world seems to be
Hypnotized
By this age old idea of hating
And limiting their own beliefs
To the point of catatonia
And never ending
Nonstop
Progress-halting
Dead ends

So I'm just saying
And that's all I'm really doing
Writing this right now
For nothing more than to perhaps get someone to read it
And say
Hey
Maybe this is the truth
Maybe this is he way
Maybe if I do something good
I'll start to feel a little better?
Maybe
If I try to do the best I can
Every day
Breaking free of whatever gains may lay in wait for me
And just embracing the power of whatever it is that guides us
That keeps us spinning on that mysteries axis
Floating through space at blinding speeds
Will help us out in the end
Because
In the end
At the last breath
And the last drop
And the last time we close our eyes
All we'll have
Is love

If that's what we choose

Please
Read no further if you don't like
Who I am
And who I am
Is constantly
Changing
I shift with the tide on the blackest nights
I move with the waters
Sway like the branches
Blow like the wind
And I never know
Never ever
If I'm coming or
Leaving

So hear me now
And listen close
Put on your spectacles
If you need to
But what I'm saying here
Is change
Change
Shift
Transformation
It's been said a million times before
And it'll be said a million times after this
But when are we going to change?
Not just me
and not just you
And not just your family
and your neighbors and
your teachers
and cousins and
grandparents
I mean us
As a whole
As a complete and full circle
When are we going to break the cycle
Of what we think works
And realize it just
Isn't
And implement a new process
A new line of thought
An "experimental" approach, say?
Now people don't like that word
Because people are scared of change
And they don't believe in taking chances or risks or putting their own ***** on the line but come on!
When are we going to realize that living the same old way
In the same old house
Thinking the same old thoughts
With the same old brains
Is getting us nowhere?

I come from another planet
One that's placed so far away
You can't see it with the highest powered telescopes or anything like that

Well, I'm not from there, myself
But when I was just a seed, I was
I was planted here

Like a flower or a tree
I grew up here like you
But my origin is nothing you can imagine

You can't tell the difference, though
See, I've assimilated seemlessly
And no one knows

But this is my confession
I'm not from this place
And no one will ever believe me

It seems it's always rainin'
But the Suns out today
And I ain't complainin'
Today I just wanna play

So sit right down next to me
As I press down on the gas pedal
The flowers in your hair keep blowing
The more I push the pedal to the metal
Your smile just makes everything better
And I smile when you smile
Never really was the biggest go-getter
But, babe, you put me in overdrive
Wanna go to the creek at the top of the hill
Step to the edge, hold my nose and dive

The words that keep spilling from your mouth
Like milk on the kitchen floor
No matter how mad, no matter how happy
I just keep on wanting more (and more)
I mean, I know you've got a boy
Waiting for you at home
I'm just like a ******* toy (to you)
And I really don't mind
I don't at all, really I couldn't care less
Because even if you're not mine
I still feel like the one who's blessed
But when the time comes just gimme a sign
Because when you and him are over
I'll be there, I'll be there with open arms

Oh, babe, this is all for a reason
I can go, I can so go
With you it's so pleasin'
And if you want more just let me know
I'm just overflowing with ways
To talk, to be, to stand next to you
I'm probably a little selfish
But it seems I'm stuck like glue
And I can't help these feelings
You just **** me with those big eyes
Your soft hands and milk and roses skin
I just wish, I just hope, I just wait
For the best to begin

In the light of the day
Things seem so simple
The sun clouds judgments
That haunt me at night

Laying in bed
Just me and myself
My brain does tricks
Flip-flops ideals on their heads

But I've been bitten
By long fangs hidden in a closed grin
Bleeding with black and blues covering skin
I feel outside what lies within

The power creeps up
And surfaces on my conscious
Things seem to make sense now
But only when the pale moonlight
Offers me it's condolences

i don't think about you a whole lot.
and i feel bad about that.
but from the boat which you've rocked,
my boat in the middle of your sea.
we're intertwined, but we're not locked.
you smile and say you mean nothing but the best.
and, with my whole heart, i believe you.
but, the problem is that i believe you.
i don't deserve you.
i'd never let you
let yourself down.

so why don't you take your crown

and find a boy who needs the sound
of your voice.
i've no choice.
i'm not the boy.
i'm not the boy.

Her makeup is splattered on her face
Too much of it
Almost clown-like
And sloppy
She's insecure
Probably reeling from heartbreak

Her hair is pulled back
She hasn't been taking care of it lately
Lots of split ends
We all know
How girls like her
Despise anything but perfect hair
Her mind is scattered

She's drinking coffee
When she lifts it to her lips
Her hands shake a bit
It's probably not her first cup
Yep
She's going through something

When I approach
She looks down
And then pastes a horrific
Facade of a peeled back grin
Another addition to an already
Fizzled out display

I contemplate "hello"
But her body language speaks volumes
And tells me that whatever I say
Won't mean anything
Her minds not there
It's miles in the distance
Not even glancing back

So I walk, slowly
Away

It's like I can't even talk right now
It's like my mouth is broken
While these old kids come around
Trying to cash their counterfeit tokens
But I just look away, I don't see it
There's no reason for me to be rude
Do what you're gonna, don't give a ****
Ain't no reason for such a sour attitude
Like the patch kids we used to eat
As kids watching cartoons and playing N64
Just stay there don't get outta your seat
For some reason, I feel like I've been here before

Looking back I was always afraid to look ahead
Swerving this anxiety like I'm on a busted sled
Knocking myself out trying to do the right thing
But all by myself I could never truly bring
The things, sprout wings, sit with the kings
But hey that's why I just open my mouth and sing

My face is made of stone
It never really changes
Some scratches here and there
But mostly it holds true
It's natural form seems to unsettle
People are always asking
If I'm heartbroken

I never really think too much
About things I think are sad
They just seep through the cracks
In my head and take over
I guess I am heartbroken
But I've never trusted a woman
Enough for her wrap her love
Around my heart too tight

I always like to breathe
I guess you could call me a fan
Oxygen is life
But then again
What is life?
What is my life?
How is it significant?
Is it the love of others
That makes a life worth living?

She wore red satin
Dancing discreetly under stars
Love's hatches were battened
Riding in freshly painted cars
She swore off men
With big mouths and no ears
As she longed for her story to be told
To everyone, young and old

She came from ***** streets
Trash bins filled with beer cans
But she was born to keep a beat
Tapping, tapping her feet
Until everyone had gotten up from their seats

She works the stage
Like its the only thing she's ever known
Pacing and swaying
It's where she knew she had truly grown
A strong woman
With a heart of gold
Flowing hair of the angels
And a demeanor truly bold

Her daddy was a stern man
He'd come home
Still with drink in hand
Looking to pick a bone
But her face could calm
Even the most violent of men
Her occupation then was diffusing bombs
When she got older
And realized her life wasn't hers
She grew colder
Left her father
And became the killer
Everybody wants

i watch you walk down the sidewalk
and you disappear in the fog
disappeared in the fog

coming to conclusions in my head
you were just laying in my bed
you were in my bed

no one seems to focus much
an eruption from one soft touch
one soft, soft touch

i realize it might be all on me
it was on you but now it's blinding me
now it's blinding me

I've built walls all around me
To protect me from the world
I don't know exactly why they do
Or why people want to hurl
Words and actions and things
That make me want to throw up

I carry this place on my back
People see but don't ask why
It's about time for a heart attack
But I'm still so young
I don't know why these things
Seems to be so attracted to me
But these unbreakable rings
Just love to surround me

As a final declaration of my intention
I want you to know that I'll always be around
Anytime and anywhere, I'll always be somewhere whether you know it or not
When your going about your day, driving to wherever you go or when your on your last leg and shot
If you look hard enough you can probably catch a glimpse if you take the time to stop

This might sound creepy and I admit it because it's true
But this is what I do and I can't change because this is the way I've always been
I'm older than you know, though my skin and hair and eyes are young
This may be pretty hard to grasp since what I'm saying is pretty far flung
You can say whatever you will but, dear, I promise you I've heard every song you've sung

So if you accept this or deny this, it really makes no difference
It's just the way it is and the way it is is pretty simple
You're there and then so am I, it doesn't matter if I want to be
It's only science and the nature of how we move and we both see
Just take this as a warning or just a sidenote in case you think you might be able to flee

Write what you feel
What is it that's gotten to your heart?

A pen to fight the infection
A brave face is needed for this part

A motionless stillness permeates
When everything is in shambles


Feel through the black mud
Sifting through guts to find a balance

A facade of smiles and laughs
Always kills your negative

Rationalize, even your tide, hibernate
And the wind will blow cool when the sun's long gone and you're still wide awake

Her hips sway
In tune
With the way
Her hair flows
I told her
"Hop on my motorcycle,"
And it scares me
Because she didn't think twice

She pulls my helmet on
And turns into a thief
Gritty snatcher of hearts
Never knew she could play that part
Never knew her from the start
Never knew she could steal my heart

Riding high on the interstate
Wind whips by
And it's never too late
She assures me
With the voice
Of an angel seeing
God for the first time
Where in another dimension
Where stuck in beautiful suspension

Never had nowhere to go
She gives me purpose
Tells me when I'm going to slow
But she's always been way too fast
Like an animal
I'm not sure if I'll last
But I soak it in like a sponge
Stuck to the dashboard
Having so much fun
Kissing the hellish surface of the Sun
I wonder if I'll ever know if I won
I wonder if I'll ever know if I won

The best karma is being born
Into a good family

Those aren't my words, rather
They're Duncan Trussell's
Who happens to be my favorite comedian/philosopher/human I've never met

And he's right
Tons of truth live in that statement
I've seen it first hand
And I'm sure you have too

I've always been a rather melancholy person
Prone to frequent depressive episodes
That usually culminate in contemplating
My own death
Whether or not it is ethical to end it
By my own hand
Or getting someone else to
Get their hands *****
By doing it for me

I've thought about disappearing
Just up and leaving without a trace
Into the wild
Like Christopher McCandless
But I know that my grief and guilt and never-ending disdain for myself
Would shadow me
Everywhere and anywhere I went

But I'm digressing
I want to talk about the origin
Of all that lurks inside me
Drenching my soul in darkness
And feeding off of me
And getting fat
With its unrestricted and mindless consumption
Of my energy

I want to start with my maternal great-grandmother
All I know of her is what my mother has told me
From what her father told her
Which wasn't much since she died when he only three years old
The main point I want to make is that she died in the care of
Shrinks, head-doctors, psychiatrists
Whatever you want to call them
In 1948
She was an alcoholic
Who would sing and sing
Without a single **** given
On the bus to and from work
People were obviously freaked out
By her unwillingness to conform to "normalcy"
Sitting quietly and ignoring everyone else on the bus
Like everyone else on the bus
So her brothers had her committed to an institution in Manhattan
One that is known to have had ****** conditions
And filled with doctors who treated patients like dirt
Flowers grow out of dirt, right?
If there was no soil on Earth, we wouldn't exist, no?
That's another digression (and maybe a pointless one at that)
Anyway
They said she died of liver complications
Which would make sense given her history of alcohol abuse
And then it was over
For her
Her sadness had ended
Albeit in quite a sad way
In a sad place
Filled with sad people
But she escaped
In the end
Leaving her memory
And, dare I say it,
Her sadness
To permeate down the line gallantly
On strong horses equipped with expensive leather saddles
Who now live within me
And I am certain
Will live on long after I am gone

Oh the things incomparable
To a fading, degrading
Disposition and perspective
Pondering the ends of ends
The nooks, the crannies, the bends

Outlook is the base of all things
The flimsy thread that holds thoughts in place
The frayed wire that connects the thought to feelings
It's all so trivial, maniacal, stone-sturdy
That things feel perpetually dull unless you're hurting

Biological process fused to creative intent
How do two wholly different and separate ways,
One emerged in science, the other in nature, get along?
This is something I don't entirely understand
But it never hurts to wonder when time says that you can

On the weekends
I talk to bottles and cans
Of wine, of whiskey, of gin and of beer
I ask them why
I feel the way I do
But they never answer me

At this current moment, got me breathing in noxious fumes
Walking all distorted can't even make my way across the room
You don't know what it feels like to not feel anything
Saying ****, nothing to reply but "Zing!"
Mumbling some nonsense just trying to say something
You don't know how it feels
You don't know how it feels to be shocked by electric eels
From deep in the ocean of absences
Somebody's gotta help me out, I'm drowning
I'm falling, I'm sinking
Nothing else to convey, I'm just drowning

"We'll meet again. In another time. Another place."*

Her hair blew gently as the wind picked up just slightly. The setting Sun peaked out shyly through each and every strand of hair. She tilted her head to the ground. An inkling of a smile turned up on the right dude of her lips. A sort of butchering of Mona Lisa's own. It was an even sadder version of that look. One that told me *"I don't know exactly why, but we have to be apart."

One of my teachers
My favorite teacher
Once told me
"John," she said
"You're self-defeating."
And I looked
At her and
Blankly
I turned
It hurt
It cut
Me deep
Into my stomach
Because I knew she was right
And I knew
What I knew
And that was exactly
What came out
Of her *******
Mouth
But what she didn't know
Was that I couldn't help it
Still can't and
Still it cuts
Me like
Hamburger
And after
I walked back to my chair
And suddenly
She wasn't
My favorite
Anymore

"She floats!"

Her father yelped
His eyes fixed on the water
He thought the girl could be helped
But after so many tries, he decided to put an end to the bother

She floats, yes, indeed she did
Her eyes wide and smiling
She knew her father had finally lost his lid
As the bodies of townsfolk kept piling and piling

She flitted her eyes to the dock
Where her father raised his eyebrows
He had tried everything, but now the locks refused to lock
The chains went to ash and he was done with the whats, whys and hows

She kept smiling at her daddy
In that reassuring way
In her mind, she too had had it
She'd had enough of play

"I don't know what to do with you anymore!"*
And she nodded in agreement
As he screamed from the shore
The policemen he had sent
To show her God's path
Had been lit on fire
With a fury that he thought even God not hath
And now, here she was, tied with rope and wire
Floating in the middle of the ocean
Smiling and smiling, knowing her father was a liar

As I lay among the dead
Lounging in pools of red
My heart raggedly beats
Contemplating ultimate defeat
And vision becomes a tunnel

Then a white light
No fight
Just floating
Skipping, skimming, showboating
And the tunnel shows me what it is

What I am

Drip, drop, drip
You fired from the hip
Third degree burns
Coming straight from your lips
I start to tremble at my fingertips
I'll never learn because I never made the list
And I guess you could say I got a little ******
So now I roam the country with nothin but my fist

Ever since, ever since
I stopped givin a ****
I just run around
With my heart in my fist

All of these Catholic girls
With their attitudes and high heels
They used to wear skirts
But since then, they've grown wheels
Making there way over to me
Smiling white and talking pretty
What is it that they can't see?
I was raised in whatever with a Christmas tree

I was born in a junkyard
Where the dogs come out to play
They were being taught by nuns
While I sidestepped Him in my own way
They don't teach you that Jesus can't save you
In a school where they take you for what you have

You're really sweet with your mouth
And the way you move your lips
I really want a piece of you
To put my hands on your hips
But I've seen the signs, baby
And they point the other way
But if I'm wrong, then maybe
I'll stay because my heart's made of clay

Now if you'd please give me a moment
Just stay there while I think about this
I have to clear my big head again
Because you've filled it with nonsense
So just excuse me, dear, excuse me, honey
Look the other way while I'm down on myself
Raised in a little house, never much money
And now that I'm older, I don't need no help
So please, please just be on your way
I can't help myself when I'm feeling this way

I stole his girl
And now he's going crazy
I was always the one
His perspective was always hazy
He thought she loved him
But she endured him
He thought shed never leave
But then she met me

He's on the run
On the run
From his dreams
His dreams
But she's on me
She's on me

I've never had too many regrets
I think what you do should be over
And when it is, you gotta learn
But he'll always be her little gopher
Running around for her
Making money just to spend it all
Because he's on her tail
Setting himself up to fall

I feel bad
I guess I do
But it ain't me
It's you
And then it's me too

A house is where you go when you have nowhere else
A home is where your heart is fastened
The people in the house are the ones who thought you were different
The ones in your home know exactly why you did what you did

When your house is burned down, the sparks touch your skin
Should your home burn, your heart chars with it
If the people you know die, you cry for a day or two
If your people leave town, you can't shake the feeling until they return

All eyes
All ears
Open your soul
To the tears

Let your heart do the work
Keep your head up high
Wipe the blood from your shirt
It doesn't always have to hurt

Molecules rush to the scene of the crime
The detective in you knows the truth
Move your body slow to the rhythm and rhyme
As you **** the cracks in your broken tooth

Let it all be known
Nothing to show, nothing to hide
You'll be free when the light is shown
So just let the gun hang in the holster by your side

The clock ticks and ticks
The seconds, minutes, hours pass
The clock looks down from it's perch on the wall
The heart questions its validity
And sighs.

The body grows and prospers
The thought of degenerating, down-grading persists
The body takes itself in and wants to embrace the only moments it has
The brain becomes distracted and lost in its own perception
And sighs.

The Earth, the only planet where love is known to exist
The clock has no jurisdiction over it
The Earth, in all its cosmic glory and all-knowingness
The body, such a sin to let it rot from the inside out,
Sighs.

The clock, the body, the brain, the heart, the Earth
The ticking, the rotting, the thinking, the sighing, the all-knowing
The clock measures the body, and the body, the Earth
The Earth, with no heart or brain of its own, spins unworried
Yet sighs.

everything is cloudy
on a sunny day
the sky parts and smiles
but i only look down
seems i'm stuck
just like before
you'd think i'd know
how to bust down this door
by now

but no

oh no
it's never that easy
see, every valley is different
similar but not the same
you slide down
with no effort at all
but climbing back up
with no guarantee, you fall
and your body slaps the pavement
just like that
blood splatter and broken teeth
messy and brutal
look mom, i'm a modern art masterpiece

Stop and look around
Hold the bullet in your hand
Mull over the emotion
That fills you as you stand
Blood rushes up, down, pumps
And now you're all set
Body like a tree trunk
Feel the weird funk

Coming on and taking over
No survivors, no leftovers
Look left and then turn right
Sit down and take flight

Like the green leaves
Off the mighty oak
Falling up instead of down
Float up and let your body soak
In the light of the bright sightly
Glorious Sun from above
Taking blood lightly
Spilled and vacuumed up

Life is just a thing that we endure
All the hurt, the pain, the deception, the insanity
Is all just a test, it's just a stage
A phase, at the end of which, we emerge
Always victorious, yes, we reached the horizon
But always also, we carry what we've seen, we've heard
We wear what we've felt
These things become our badges
They become our signature
They embed themselves in our very conscience
And no one can ever take them away
Good or bad, always, always here to stay

A massive bison skull hung grandly in the back room
Overlooking a dirt-caked, ripped to **** couch from 1976
The year of the bicentennial
The same year he first killed something
It was a deer he shot twelve times on a hunting trip with his grandfather
But when his grandfather inspected the ****, he swore he'd never take him hunting again

After that he had to resort to setting traps
Little wooden cages with trip wires he made himself in his room
Wittling away with the Bowie his father kept in the shed
And he heated up wads of cheddar cheese in the oven until it stunk to high Heaven
Put the cheese in his cages and set them up in the woods behind his house
Then he'd sit behind a big boulder and watch silently
Barely blinking, heart racing
For hours
Until a rabbit or a cat or a raccoon caught the scent of the cheese
And zip inside the cage
Trapped and zipped up up forever
Because he'd take his catch back home
And with the same Bowie knife he used to make the cage
He used to cut the animal's head off
And arms and legs
Heart
And
Brain

Eventually his father caught wind of what he was doing
And his father asked him to come into the garage
He asked why and then his father dragged him
By the back of his hair
Like one of the many rabbits he plucked from his cages
And his father took that same Bowie knife
And then took his hand
And sealed it tight into the bench clamp
With the Bowie knife
His father sawed his pinky and ring fingers
Off his right hand
Slowly
Blood spurting all over both of their faces
As he screamed and cried
His father spat his blood
Right in his face
And told him
"That's for stealing my knife."

The fog
Thick
The smoke
Thicker
My boots
On the pavement, click

Click, click, click

My mind
It runs
My feet
Likewise
My doubts
The only thing I truly despise

Click, click, click

Her hair
Flows like the stream
The water
Slithering around rocks and back
Our hell
It's given us everything but that awaited heart-attack

Click, click, click

Here
I'm done
It's time
This place is no longer fun
In space
We are nothing but fodder to the Sun

Click, click, click

I sat there beneath the big Maple tree in the center of Sunkenwater Park. I leaned back onto my hands, peering over the compendium of countless smaller trees that littered the grounds like so many cigarette butts and beer cans. The Sun hung high, looking down at me with a smile you could only see if you were staring directly at it, which I did for a moment until my vision became bleached with Godlike light. I sighed, scanned the grounds again and then slowly descended onto my back. I stared straight up into the spider leg set up of branches above me, hanging there indifferently and silently. I sighed again without even noticing, this time completely unintentionally.

And that's when her head found it's way into my kind of sight. She was standing over me, looking down, eye squinted like she was examining some microscopic and otherworldly specimen.
"Hey," slipped from her pretty pinkish lips.
"Hi," I replied, staring right back.
She smiled slightly and sat down next to me, descending slowly and gracefully into her back just like me, right next to me.
"What's up?" I turned so I was facing her ear as she refused to face me yet.
"Nothing, just thinking."
"Oh. About what?" I narrowed my brow inquisitively.
"Us. Me and you. And why."
I cocked my head slightly. "Why what?"
"Why you love me so much."
I pursed my lips. Turned my head back so I was staring at the spidery branches and breathed slowly out if my nose. Then I pointed up, aiming my finger at the the beams of cut up Sunlight that was finding its way through the branches above our heads and onto us, the source if all life.
"Because you remind me of the Sun."
"The Sun, huh?"
"You give me what I need. You give me my reasons. You give me movement. Physically and emotionally. And you do always fund a way. A way through. A way out. You're a resilient person. And you do it without even trying. I love you because you are who you are. And who you are is pretty **** ridiculous in the sense that I've never net a soul quite like you. For lack of a less cliche term; you are my light. And I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world."
She kept her gaze upward for a long time. I did the same. Soaking up the Sun's rays with a dumb grin like I knew it was the last time is be able to take part in such a miracle. It didnt matter in that moment that she didnt love me. All that mattered was that I loved her. And would continue to do so, unapologetically, until her rays of light stopped finding their way into my heart, which had been growing increasingly dimmer and dimmer until I met her. I was thankful and I felt dumb but I was too proud to care.
She turned to me, but I didn't turn back. She lifted her hand up off of the grass and found mine, interlocking her fingers and turning again to face the sky.

I used to trip down the street
With nothing in my head
Asking myself questions
I never knew the answer to
Over again and under
Nothing has ever made sense
So why should it now?

Why do I care?
What the **** right does insecurity have over me and my life?
What purpose does it serve?
Why does it want me in a hole?
Why won't it realize that it's not welcome here?
And why can't I have a days peace without these nagging thoughts?

I like to get drunk
Probably a little more than the average person
And it's all because of these things
These things, these thoughts, these horrors
That take me to their pit
Introduce me to their leader
Bleeding black and spitting acid in my face
I'm burned now
And have been, time and time again

I think it's time this stops
I seriously need to rid myself if this ****
This living Hell
I need to take a stand
Get the **** up and scream or something
Let it all out
And live everyday like I'm a drunk *******
Saying whatever, whenever and to whoever I want

Yeah, that'd be the life.

I jumped off the pier
Splinters grazing my feet
As my toes lost their grip
On the ancient wood
I intended not to float
But to sink
Deep down
Into the nightblack sea
And I did

But as I sank
With thoughts swimming
As my body refused to
I suddenly knew
That everything
All of it
Would be alright
For at the end of the last tunnel
And at the tip of a burnt match
It all gets finalized
With time's official stamp of approval
To move on
To go forth

But still, I didn't want to swim
I ached for where gravity would lay me
So, sinking farther and farther
I grew more and more content
With the way things were
With the way things are
With the place where were at
At this very moment
And then I turned
Flipped my body so I would be facing
My ultimate destination
The floor of the deep
At first there was nothing
Blackness and unknown
Clouding my vision
Unceasing and all knowing
All at once
For a long
Long
Time

But then
Out of the black
And the blue
There was white
A white light
Small as a pinpoint at first
But then it grew
And it kept at it
Inflating from that pinpoint
To a golf ball
And then a baseball
And then a basketball
And on and on
And on
Until the light
Became what the dark once was
Flooding my eyes
Skewing my vision
So bright and luminous
But I didn't close my eyes
Or even lift a finger to shield them
Instead I stretched my body out
And opened it wide
Embracing this beautiful revelation
Eyes wide open
Body splayed out
Heart beating calmly
Blood flowing gently
Soul sitting happily
And

Just like that



I was awake

My deepest regrets
And most woeful sorrows
Are drowned away
And swept beneath
The sands of time
The fleet of moving, non-stop moving

To live in the moment
Is to feel to weightlessness
The thoughts moving in and out of your head
Like traffic jams and the ocean waves

Nothing can stop you
No nothing can
If you just keep in mind
That everything goes
Just as it comes
Keeping form is not the way that anything works

Keep it positive
The mental negatives
My prerogitive
Is to stay positive
Oh I'm positive
I'll be positive
Until the negative
Tries to take it away
But it'll never win
No, it'll always lose

Sitting, dying, waiting
Casually ticking my eyes back and forth
At doctors and nurses rushing
Trying to save one more life
Just trying to make it to the end of their shift
When I saw you walk out the elevator
The look on your face told me you could use a lift
Of spirit, of body and mind
And that's when you took out that pack of Parliaments

"You can use a cigarette,"
You said through gritted teeth
I looked, smiled, obliged the notion
"How'd you know?"
As I pulled one from the pack
"This is a hospital, man, everyone here can use a smoke.""
As more doctors and nurses speedily scurried along
Scattering jitters
Bouncing them off the walls
Throughout the white washed waiting area

We looked at each other, smiled
Popped the cigarettes in our mouths
Lit up
And no one said a word
As the smoke drifted, floated and danced
Above the sick and dying

Restoration override.
Approach with the tide.
Ride the watery ride
and lie the golden lie.
Gold seeps from within.
Fear festers in sin.
Just as we go down,
up is only a frown
away.