Raise the stakes
Beat the odds
Hit the breaks
Its so odd
To be stuck in the center of a seaside ceremony
And be left as the one and only, the lost and lonely

But I've gotten better
Made my way to
Where I first met her
False has been proved true
But again I'm left to pick up petrified puzzle pieces
And its okay, because the pain, it eventually eases

Floating in a free-flowing mist
Thought I did, but I didn't get the gist
It seems things, through thick and thin
Remain the same through virtue and sin
Nothing changes in some high, hidden place
Once you get there, you leave no noticeable trace
For the people still stumbling through their own pain
Have to find their own way before they finally gain
What everyone is seeking, has sought and will seek
The best thing you can do is give them a peek
Spring them a leak, tell them you've saved them a seat
For when they're ready to be done being stuck on repeat

Into wonderment
Pondering permanence
Whether to weather
The cycle of storms
Am I even getting better?

Decreased desire to detach
But still unfastening the hatch
Going somewhere stationary
While still wishing I was withering
Where will I be buried?

And when?

I ceased to believe I exist
On a plane so devoid of bliss
For with every forthright step
And each grasp of reality I get
I sink like a ship, just a blip
On your radar, I've been hit
Mayday, mayday for someday
Maybe I will find myself able to stay
But, for now, I'm shuffling, stumbling
Through thick trees and weathering the rumbling
From the grazed grounds beneath me
The Sun, before me, merely setting
And I find myself wishing, wondering
Where it is I am actually heading.

I was drifting through perilous pines
Skipping stones and raking through rhymes
Like leaves on a warm autumn afternoon
Staring skyward, wishing the sun wouldn't wither so soon

When a realization ******* my reaction time
As raindrops ran rigid down my head, a sign
I figured, maybe foolishly, I should head toward the house on the hill
With the dull colored window panes that curiously caused a chill
Down my spine, like a spider creeping
And still
I found, toward the house I was heading

Upon arriving at the front garden
The wind picked up, my countenance hardened
I hoped I had trekked there for a fruitful find
Then I looked down, heard a sound and a saw a line
In the grass that looked to lead around back
The sound was a whirring loud enough to give a heart attack

I wandered around the house, the noise still echoing in my head
Thoughts of witches and ghosts lingered like I was a child before bed
Having made my way to the side of the sulking structure
Yes, it seemed to sulk there, like a heart that had been punctured
An old tractor with worn wheels sat, facing me
But a faint glinting in the grass beneath the tire was all I could see
So I moved in, bent down and heard the noise again!
Just as I got close enough to see, my knees gave in
The tractors engine had started, and the wheel splattered my head

Sunrise.

Another fretful and sudden surprise.
Caught me on my bruised black blindside.
Never thought I'd see the day or this kind
Of feeling falling on the horizon of my mind.

Sunset.

Down again and overwhelmed by upset.
Turned around, and before I knew it, I let
Myself lose. Forever on the **** end of a bad bet.
Lets just see how much worse this can get.

Dreamless sleeps and dreamin' all day
Wondering where this stops
Leanin' on you, screamin' from the bottom of me
Thinkin' that's all I got

Knocked down again, but I was made for this
The lifting up gets easier with practice
Feels like I'm floating at this point
Noise drowned out with noise

you were looking at me
with that glint in your eye
the glint that caused me to cry
so many times
before

you were saying things
that i couldn't make out
i looked up and looked down
at your broken crown
on the floor

i tried so hard to compose myself
but my knees kept buckling
under the weight of your suffering
i know you were dying
to tell me that

sometimes all i can think of
are the words i couldn't hear
that ring so loud in my ears
after what seems like years
you're so broken

all i know is i love you
and i'm here for whatever you need
for you, i would bleed
let you take the lead
i will follow you

when we first laid tired eyes on each other
flowers were blooming like the love in our hearts
they blossomed in the dark
and that was the most beautiful part

we both had enough of the things in our lives
bringing us down without hesitation
but then we were struck by love's invitation
and swept so strongly by that sweet sensation

and now its hard to even put into words
just how grateful i am for your presence
in my life, in my soul and in my heart
and i can't wait for our life together to start

such
high vibrations
call for celebrations
like graduations
or transitions
from the low
low depths
of the deprived
floors of the
atlantic or pacific.

many
nights spent floundering
and pounding
on locked doors
like i actually
wanted to know
what laid so
apathetically on the
other side.

but
now with horns
and the might i've shorned
be it from the gods
of the greeks
or romans
i prepare
for a fight
for in dubious
battle
i shake
and rattle
while
inside it is so quiet
like a pit
in the midst
of a war fought
by men stripped
of guns, grenades
and vocal chords.

parting people
particularly
prowl
subways sounding
like their
suffering surfing
the things
they
thought
were wrong
with
withering
conviction counting
coins
callously
bouncing back
breezing
by
foreheads frowning
from
first
fostering
fifty other fevers.

there is no end to the river of tears
no stopping the onslaught of fears
no end to that which has been seared
no zenith to love which i've been geared
toward

Envisioning
From the backseat
The brutal heat
And burning concrete
Beneath
My bare feet
These stringent standards set before me

The goalposts are constantly changing
The white knuckling I'm always doing
Always moving, never choosing  
The deep, dark bruising

Awaken, my love.

For the trees
against the sky
seem to free
my tired eyes.

Darken, my love.

For the black
contrasts the light
like the latch
to the high-flying kite.

Hasten, my love.

For I only have so much time
before the curtains fall so fast.
You've been more than kind
on the lake on which you cast
those little,
lethal
stones.

Creeping anxiety
takes a hold of me.
Drips through the cracks,
then off my broken back
like the rain off the roof
(with more than a few screws loose).

Walking slowly...
if only, if only
I could get this square
peg in that round hole where
I used to run and play as a kid
(before I hit the skids).

Sitting silently
by the
old willow tree,
I heard a knocking
through the thick,
rustic bark.

My thoughts drifted,
thawing the frigid
quiet in my mind.
For there was naught behind,
nor in front,
of the old willow tree.

"What could it be,"
my mind asked me.
"And from where is it coming from?"
And then, from above,
there was a deep, low hum.
A light flashed, and I was
blind.

that day i slipped on a beautiful banana peel
and fell, fuzzy head over worn out heels,
in crazy carnival ride love with you.

i was never as happily confused as the night we met.
i couldn't think through the pounding deja vu in my head.
in my bones, i knew, it was as real as it could get

in the pitch black dark on that old park bench.

every morning the sun
shines high and
bright
and as i rise
lowly and bemused
at the sight
i can't help but
wonder

all the hows
and whys
like all the colors
in the sky
they seem to blend
together
and never make
any sense
until you decide
to make some sense
of your own

the pit in my heart
perforates your halo
floating, broken apart
is it wrong to love you?
i cant help but love you

the hole in my head
has nothing to say
the valley in my bed
judging me smugly
just like everyone else

its a
post apocalyptic,
polyurethane
pullover
party.

we've got our
sighs of relief,
stop signs,
superficial sorrows.

so please let us
rest our heads,
righteously
railing against
roaring wrongdoings.

its our
right as
rolling ghosts
ruining
really rare
riots.

been down and tarnished
insecurities have been brandished
neurocircuits outlandish
i've got the fists but i can't hit

stand down and hold your own
no celebrations in the end-zone
keep cool while you pick the bone
no one has to know that the lights shone

i walk around a dichotomy
sit beneath a blooming tree
die in the winter, revived a stinging bee
don't break the lock, i've got the key

maybe i've spent too much time crying.
maybe i'm not good enough to die.
crawled out of that hole one more time.
wonder how many more i've got left
in me.

you see,
i've heard the bells and sirens.
ignored them and all rhyme and reason.
they say it's the time of the season.
to make way for the sun, it's beamin'.

the light it sheds shows me everything.
kinda makes me want to sing.
like the jester of a sad king,
i dance for my life.
while inside i'm dying.
inside i'm dying.
inside you're dying.

i know, i know
it doesn't seem so
but your judgement's clouded
just like mine
it's about time
we take inventory
of the things we hold dear
and year after year
they change, transform
learning to move with the waves
instead of hiding in the caves
it's hard but necessary
it allows transcendence
it's about bending

i ate up your love
and i threw it up in the street
with eyes on setting suns
so uncomfortable in our seats

i dug up your treasured chest
couldn't believe what i'd found
i thought you were the best
standing atop your muddy mound

why does it always seem
like i can't handle the truth
think i need jack nicholson
to knock out my favorite tooth

but it's over and done
over and out, it's been fun
i still swear you're a ****
but my eye's still on the sun

old men feed on young blood

with the guidance of the wind

the dollar looks down over the mud

on the strength of all their sins


the almost happy look down in disappointment

as their dreams are popped like bubbles

at the parade of the newly appointed

we trust that he'll take care of all our troubles

pop our troubles like you did our dreams,

please

one night to prove to you
not everything is blue
one day to pave the way
i need a reason to stay

calling on higher powers
to ease my mind
can't wait for the time it takes
to walk this thin line

so many colors around
all the greens and grays
our ears pick up the sound
we lean, we lay

we won't be here forever
this i know
in front of us, our lives are tethered
this i know

will thee see me
in the light, like i hope?
or will i be on my knees
drenched in dark clothes?

will thee keep me
locked in a box with key?
bound, but free,
i will be what you need me to be.

Chapter One: Bozo & Bonzo

The Goatman was a fat guy who lived in the old part of town where everything looked tired. No one around there cared very much about anything.
There were two bums who liked to hang around the train tracks over there. We started calling them Bozo and Bonzo. Bonzo didn't mind because he loved The Who and Bonzo happened to be his favorite drummer. Bozo did mind and would curse and spit at us whenever we'd say the word. He told us to call him by his real name (Charlie) but we liked Bozo a lot more.
Anyway, my friend Lawrence and I would give Bonzo and Bozo a quarter each for a recounting of a recent sighting of the Goatman. One day after school we decided to drop by the tracks to see if they were around. They were, and they were both **** drunk and stunk like wet dogs do after they come inside from the rain. Bonzo asked me if I wanted a swig from his flask and I shook my head no.
"******' *****, I knew you weren't the real deal," Bonzo muttered as he swirled his flask in a circle, as if it were an expensive martini.  
"I don't need your nasty backwash, thanks," I shot back.
"We want more information on the Goatman," Lawrence broke in.
"We have quarters," I added.
Lawrence took the 50 cents from his pocket and extended his arm. Bozo quickly snatched up the coins and laughed.
"You two hot for the Goatman or somethin'?"
"We're not gay for the Goatman," Lawrence says. "But we're definitely gay for finding out who the **** he actually is."
Bozo laughed some more but it came out as a hearty, borderline obese and drunk gargle/scoff.
"We saw him yesterday, believe it or not. I was takin' a **** in a bush across the street from him and he came amblin' out. I was too drunk to care much at the time but lookin' back, I shoulda been more scared," Bozo looked down at the worn boots on his feet and kicked the dirt. "He was carryin' a tiny plastic shoppin' bag, all neatly *******. After he went back inside I crept over and took it and just ******' ran, man," Bozo seemed distressed just verbalizing his encounter.
"So what was inside?" I knew he was getting to it, but I needed to know.
"Just some candy wrapper. Nothin' but candy wrapper. Butterfingers', 3 Musketeers', Pay Days. You name it, he ate it," Bozo completely broke down laughing this time. I'm coming to realize he is the sort of person who thinks he's funnier than anyone else seems to.

feeling all the marks you left on me
trying to find a way around it
you go about business so happily
i don't know where you found it
i've been grabbing at the roots of trees
doing anything i can to stay grounded

my heads a cluttered mess
i can't see, can't get dressed
i can't think, i'm just stressed
and i'm digging myself deeper everyday

i saw her and she smiled
disappointed her for miles
and i thought i was out of this hole
i wanna die before i get old

don't you know that
your light compliments my dark?
and everything and all that
we encounter transforms into something not as stark?

the lights on the highway
pass me by like broken souls.
on my way to you
i know you'll fill my empty bowl.

hieroglyphics and strange markings
up and down your body.
i can't make them go away
but i can make it so you won't see
them as something that's harmed you.

i was comin' 'round the bend
and i tripped and fell
on my face and then
i raised nothin' but hell.

i've got this affectation
that never goes away.
i need a ******' vacation
all i want is some play.

i was getting bored of the love.
smothered in warmth, dying inside.
on the highest cliff, all i need is a shove.
i was getting bored of the love.

you started saying stupid things again.
sometimes i wanted to sew my ears shut.
it was then that i realized i couldn't just lend
my heart to anyone that wanted it.

blood on my fingertips.
caught the brunt
and couldn't hack it.
blood on your lips.
you whisper in my ear
and it drips,
drips.

fire on the mountain.
from the valley below
i was counting.
alarms were sounding.
but i stayed
and in the smoke i was lounging,
counting.

i was flailing.
floating, barely.
my heart was tearing.
but i was landing.

i got better.
i impressed her.
like a lawyer
i convinced her.
i was the only one for her.

so, here's to the anxiety.
the nights i was so drunk i couldn't see.
the times i told you "i love you".
when you said you didn't think it was true.
the shivering and the icy rain.
lips quivering and stinging pain.

in your darkest hour. on the doorstep of your despair
i will come for you with open arms. i'll always be there.
your touch had me realizing. your love, i was analyzing.
baby, you're so tantalizing. you've got me breezily rhyming.

now, i've gotten ahead of myself before.
so now i'm wary.
those eyes have reached my core.
it's almost scary.

i've never had someone even come close to understanding.
i never knew that could happen, but now here you are.
you know who you are, you wreak havoc like hurricane sandy.
but now it's not my house, it's my beating heart.

you're so gentle and you shed so much beautiful light.
but it's like we're driving down that dark road at night.
i feel you next to me, you put your hand over mine.
i was blind once, but you made it so i could see the sign.
i owe you more than i could ever put into words.
i've said it once already but it seems you haven't heard.

so when i break down, i need you to start me back up.
it sounds like a lot, but for you it won't be a problem.
and that's why, from the floor, i'm saying i need picking up.
i'm a child, i know, and you're a pretty pink blossom.
springing from the ground without a care in the world.
or a thought, and that's why i fear you'll be running away.
once you catch wind, once you hear what i'm trying to say.

i don't think about you a whole lot.
and i feel bad about that.
but from the boat which you've rocked,
my boat in the middle of your sea.
we're intertwined, but we're not locked.
you smile and say you mean nothing but the best.
and, with my whole heart, i believe you.
but, the problem is that i believe you.
i don't deserve you.
i'd never let you
let yourself down.

so why don't you take your crown

and find a boy who needs the sound
of your voice.
i've no choice.
i'm not the boy.
i'm not the boy.

close the door
hit the floor
you want more
but i'm giving you all that i have

you were mystical
like a myth to me
something magical
you filled up all that i could see

but then it was done
yeah, we had our fun
made me feel like i was the only one
the two of us bathing, burning in the sun

i don't trust anyone
because i know no one's perfect
for a while, it was fun
but it wouldn't, it didn't stick

love will wear us out
love will tear us apart
love will make us doubt
love inside an upside-down shopping cart

broke my spirit not once, but thrice
everyone eventually pays the price
at your house, at your own expense
i wanna quit but nothin' makes sense
because i've borrowed everything i've ever lent

why is it so hard
to get my head
on an even keel?
and to fill with lead
would be so simple

I have nothing to hold onto
when the lights go dark
I never know what to do
but at the same time, I do
I don't know what to do

I feel the end coming on
and a new start beginning
but I'm not sure it's worth it
to go on and keep on losing
I've lost everything I've ever won

nothing ever really seemed right
I could never win the fight
I'm dying on the concrete
I'm high as a kite

every day is a battle
every day is a struggle
I never know what's comin'
all my pain's in a twisted huddle

never really gave a ****
never really had no luck
black clouds above me
blood in my eyes and I can't see

some days I don't feel like talking
some days I'm nothing
but I'm always trying the knot
I'm always tying the knot
I'm always gasping for the
I'm always grabbing for the
for the worn knot at the end of my rope

lying down, face up
enclosed in darkness
tried to move, no luck
to me, the black harkens

thinking back, i can't see
the memory is there but I can't grasp it
what is there in front of me?
the rabbit's just a bit too quick to trap it

locked in on all sides
my breathing quickens
the hard floor overrides
everything as the air thickens

i was working day in and day out
to carve out this life we had in our heads
but when your whispers turned into shouts
the worst seemed like the best that i could get

driving in my car thinking about your face
you really could light up the darkest place
when we touch i think the end is close
you bring death, bring life, neither of which we chose
sometimes i think i could die with you
but i know you don't reciprocate
you break me and you dislocate
my bones

new york cares
my thoughts laid bare
your penetrating stare
makes me wonder if it all ain't fair

oh, blessed composer of words
with tact and skill you sweep us
off the edge of the wicked world

time doesn't slip by
when we consume your prose
it gets us, and keeps us, high

the holy and the god-fearing
have nothing on your heart
no one's love compares to yours

there is
and
then there isn't.
an ephemeral specter
that glimmers
and then sparks
in the low, yet vibrant,
glow
of the mother moon.
cycling,
repeating,
rotating omnisciently.

what was
is
and then is gone.
what is dead
is
what the living need.
why is it
that
we reject the way?
what once was
becomes
what is now.

i watch you walk down the sidewalk
and you disappear in the fog
disappeared in the fog

coming to conclusions in my head
you were just laying in my bed
you were in my bed

no one seems to focus much
an eruption from one soft touch
one soft, soft touch

i realize it might be all on me
it was on you but now it's blinding me
now it's blinding me