i know im not the type
to go with all the hype
moving against the tide
while everyone tries to hide
i wear my scars on my face
never smile while i keep my pace

i know im 24 and up until now i haven't been much
squandering and wallowing and wasting my days and such
but im working every day on who i want to be
and i ****** it up cuz she loved me for me
i just hope she reads this before i start charging a fee

just way too young to be feeling this way
like i made a deal with the devil and forever i'll pay
a curse and a blessing is what this all seems to be
a left plus a right, an up plus a down all adds up to me
if picking up the pieces was easy then everyone would
and i used to think i was trying as hard as i could
but now i realize that i have so much more to do
i just wish everyone could see the world from my shoes
that would shatter the mystery and explain why im like this
before i didn't care because i always had your kiss
and then you were gone and crossed off of my list
if anything, this is to show you that i really gave a ****

let me know, before you go
keep it real and seal the deal
sign it with blood while you press my face in the mud

i hate everything
that symbolizes life
flowers, the sun & breathing
i trace my wrist with a knife

when i'm not at work
i'm high all the time
i've become a different person
in the space between the reason & the rhyme

i'm wasting myself
without going all the way
for my constant self-indulgence
out my ***, i'm expected to pay

i'm degenerating & withering
the person i was would hate who i am
forever stumbling down this existential staircase
everything i say, do & believe is a sham

theres no real semblance of hope left
and i think i'm okay with that
in the end, it doesn't really matter
whether i'm reprimanded or patted on the back

cheers to cheers-ing to the future
***** & diet soda in hand
i'm undoing the suture
i know i'll be okay wherever i land

you don't have to live
you can die if you want to
with nothing left to give
you can die if you want to
when you always wonder if...
you can die if you really wanted to

things seemed so bright
as a child in the warm sun
my parents would fight
but that didn't stop me having fun
things got so bad
that i no longer cared
i used to be so mad
but now they're out of my hair

i'm okay now
walking this strange line
but i still think of how
they thought everything was fine
as i crumbled beneath
the covers each & every night
i'd hang a dead wreath
on the decaying door of my mind

girls who have lost someone
seem to flock to me like seagulls
the deaths in their lives grow within them
and then they attach themselves to me
i was born a healer and it will never go away
a gift and a curse but i'm leaning toward the latter
these days i breathe easy but my lungs still ache
from all the cigarettes i've been killing by the lake

jill's father's heart stopped on him just last December
and brianna's ex went through the windshield in August
now i know i'm just a faintly burning, ******* ember
but this concoction of pain and lust has become a must

devil on my shoulder
angel on the other side
life is pushing a boulder

the older i get
the bolder i become
just a little dumber & i'm set

oh devil where are you?
i know you've seen what i've seen
my life is dripping like hot glue

if the struggle is so real
then why don't you pick up & leave?
with the empathy you love to steal

so where does it end?
and how will i know when i'm there?
my love, to you, i send
wrapped in an old blanket with care
like the christmas presents you got me
and the kisses you generously spread
i was blind but now i can see
it's time to dine on this old bread
it's time to open my head
it's time to burn the skin i've shed
it's time to crash down like lead

reject my whole body & brain now
i can't hear a word that i'm saying
dying to live, can you show me how?
the line has blurred between working & playing

i say things without a second thought
then i wonder why the **** i'd say that
so many battles lost, almost all that i've fought
burned by the light, flapping my wings like a dead bat

now if you die
come see me
we'll hitch a ride

green-tipped blue waves
the sky is a reflection
we're crouching in caves

you don't say a word
you take it like a man
after all you've seen & heard

we don't wanna talk about it
so we just sit with our thousand yard stares
it might be time we got out of each others' hair

on the floor
wallowing in my own stupidity
i asked for more
but you couldn't burst my big head and rigidity
i am poor
but they say you're rich if you have your health
sipping a coors
and it's the single greatest feeling i've ever felt

(that's not saying much)

in the forest trying to find the tree from which i fell
think it's time to say "**** it", waste myself and go to hell
i thought that something nice would've come along by now
but circumstance after circumstance has me wondering how

how could i have let it go this far?

my heart's on fire
with burning desire
ignite the funeral pyre

it's time to go
and you should know
i am aglow

you think i'm sad
but i'm glad
i've mastered the art of deceiving you
or have you perfected the way you're deceived?

drink it down, throw it up
eyes are glazed like a day old doughnut
shrink me down, **** me up
tonight, i drank an ocean from my cup

I only want your body
Your soul is secondary
It wasn't always that way
But love is scary

So text me your address
I'll be there when I can
Just wear that white dress
The color of beaming, pure light

Unlike our attraction
Forged in vanity and some pain
Something's gaining traction
Things will never be the same

I said what I said
And I smiled while I did
This skin you caused to shed
It's my birthday, and I'm a kid

Don't send me plummeting
Like so many before you
Right now the band is trumpeting
Hesitations that were many are now few

Can't help but feel I'm setting myself up
Aligning the bomb with my body
I always said that even if I tried, I couldn't give a ****
But now you've got something on me

I just wanna hang
Hang out with you
I just wanna hang
Hang in with you
I wanna hang
Hang with you

All these little feelings seeping deep in my heart
The whole is **** compared to all these tiny, hazardous parts
It might be time to buckle down and get a grip
But I've never known how to stop guzzling, and just take a sip
You smile sinisterly as you peer into my soul of souls
You reap the constant benefits of resurrecting these feelings of old

Disillusioned to the umpteenth degree
Starting your engines as if you can be all you can be
Staring into the hearts of those with none
The darkness drips out of you and it can be fun
Train stations filled to the brim
To the Great City on a ******* whim

Come back around, come sit down
Hear the sound, feel like an emotionless clown
Fists and kicks abound, you flaunt your broken crown

Things seem to be clearing up
Like existential acne, don't get it ****** up
Trust in the formula and you'll swim free
Things are good but what does that mean to me?
Rising from the ashes and your broken back feels tight
These raw wings forming make you think of flying kites
Chemicals swirl and unfurl in your little bird brain
Making you think you've felt the extent of true pain

I am beyond the womb
I am beyond the tomb
My life after the big and great flood
My life after being dragged through the mud
Where do you go when you have nowhere to go?
Where do you go when nowhere is all you know?

Shifting through space
Never staying in one place
My brain is the same
And my body is just lame
I tried praying to a higher power
Hoping some love, on me, He'd shower
But the emptiness just became more real
And the loneliness became all that I feel

I am not a solid thing
This has haunted me for years
Made of skin and bones, like you
But I just hear cries as everyone else cheers
Nothing ever seems to come to fruition
I'm improving and this pleases me
However, I'm afraid I may have reached my peak
I feel I am now one with the black, it is all I see

sitting on the green
writing poetry
addressed to you
you are the sky when it's blue
but no, no more cheesy one-liners
we're only 24 but we're old timers
when it comes to these games
i no longer feel any shame
i know you think i'm lame
by the look you gave me when i came

things look
all twisted and blue-dark
I shook
the trees, I am the circle of sharks
you took
all that you wanted
not what
your whole soul needed
but, but
your conscience is heeded

Write me a nice letter
Tell me it'll get better
And staple it to my forehead
Before I sink into my bed
All play and no work
You'd think it couldn't hurt
All work and no play
Kills you slowly, day by day
The Yin and the Yang
The gun goes "bang, bang"
Through and through and through
You'll find the lies buried in the truth

from ripe to rotten
sitting on a filthy shelf
from remembered to forgotten
praying for some kind of help

mumbling through the forest
tripping on broken branches
stumbling through my brain
ripping up old love letters

morphing slowly into something worse
she told me, when i die, she wants to drive the hearse
my brains all jumbled and filled with nonsense
i move my tongue to speak but i'm makin' no sense
things never seemed bleaker and i like it that way
trudging through my life with my minimum pay

my car is broken down, ain't nothin' i can do
she drives me 'round town as my face turns blue
chokin' on the oxygen ****** through a cigarette filter
she tries her best to be the best, supreme guilt-er
payin' no mind with my head out the window
always emphasizing that she ain't no *****

shes a ******* heathen
shes a ******* *** demon
she ***** everyone
she ***** for fun

she ***** when shes sad
she ***** when shes mad
and im okay with that
as long as she stops smoking crack

she hits my phone
i grow a quick bone
but then i think again and i ******* instead
because all those std's are buried deep in her bed

she doesn't know a thing about a thing but she doesn't pretend to
she dances dumb, can't really sing, but i don't care cause between is glue
she lacks a heart, a brain, a conscience, but it don't matter when we're together
she has no interest in the world around her, but then again nothing lasts forever

you don't know if its up or down or up
head in the clouds like its where its supposed to ******' be
used to drink every day, got so ****** up
stumblin' down the hall with the lights off, couldn't see a ******' thing
strap me down, wrap me in that sweet straightjacket
if i scream, if i screech remind me to shut my ******' mouth
thought i could walk, i could talk like 'em but i could never hack it
so i grew these broken wings and made my way ******' south

Freedom
Taken from you before you see
Truth
Doesn't matter when they disagree
Honesty
They only want you to play the game
Justice
Only served when you're lame

Yesterday I had a conversation with my superior
I told him I believed in the right to privacy
He said "no," and now here I am and there you are
I am left with a lack of rightful clemency
But then again, I'm not owed a thing
In a world where we're all blindly judged
There's a difference between a shout and singing
All I'm hearing now is this deafening ringing

a thought is thunk
while you
passively
go about
your work.

the thought dies
without a cry,
and so
mourning it
does not seem
necessary.

later on though,
when business
dies down,
it is revived.

like jesus christ
it comes back
to life.

resuscitated.
renewed.
you reign
it in.
you hold on
tight
this time.
grasping desperately
to the frail frame
and open your mouth.

but
nothing comes out.

They found his head in a ditch by the highway
The rest of him had vanished into thin air
His eyeballs had been gouged, his teeth knocked out
He had no known family to plunge into ****** despair

The words fire out of your mouth
Crooked teeth surround a black tongue
Before we've even begun, everything has gone south
You're naïve and too old to justify it with being young
Verbal bombasts, speech like the desert sun
Scorching my Earth and killing all my fun

Put my bliss permanently to death
A ****-eating grin vice-gripping your face
To you what is worse is always what is best
My disillusionment descending in a mist-like haze
Getting harder to breathe in this rapidly shrinking space
The Universe expands but insistently neglects this sad and sorry place

The ghost of fulfillment
The specter of satisfaction
The gist of universal lament
The soft-spoken takers of action
Gonna take over the world of old
Gonna press it till the old world unfolds

The shaking knees of the wronged
The darting eyes of those with a motive
The **** has piled up for too long
The deadweight of the sinful impulsive
Gonna free all wrongly accused
Gonna show you all the winners that lose

So just open your mind and your eyes
So you can make a conscious decision
So don't hover 'round it like flies
So just acknowledge all this derision
Gonna take out all your worldly pain
Gonna show you that the world's now a stain

Connecting the dots out of nowhere
This life has been quite a scare
Sudden realizations plague my being
Can't believe what it is that I'm seeing
The well was poisoned long ago
Radioactive molecules spreading through the air as it blows

What are you gonna do?
When there's nothing left to do?
How will you get off the floor this time?
When the easiest way out is a crime?

Nothing says "selfish" more than self-love
Look to the skies as they darken above
They don't want to see you succeed
They'll **** you right here, it's their creed
So sit down and shut up and be molded
When the bombs drop, like toilet paper, you'll be folded

Tripping, dripping, falling
Down this calm river
Sitting, wishing, hoping
I can always be your giver
Contemplating, over-thinking, sinking
On my rickety little boat
But I've got hope and hope is what I've always needed the most

I tend to get a little morbid
Forgive me if I say something stupid
Just always know
That I might be irrational
But I'd never take away the gift of breath
I will crawl on even when there's nothing of me left

So take my hand
And always next to me, please stand
Look me in my eyes
And remind me that I've won and you're the grand prize
I tend to forget to forget
Especially after all that I've left

Carnivores in the cabinet
Theology through and through
Mothers can be so mysterious
Babies born into Barnum & Bailey's
Karate kicking you in the ****
Piercing through your pathetic *****
Dangerous days and dumbed-down digital
Filming from the foyer, frame by frame
Losing your lackeys
Can't find your car keys
Utmost ulterior and undulating oceans
Aliens acting antsy
Dogs doing down-beat digging
Anti-aging advertisements in America
Over our own oak trees
People picking in Peru
Sensing something sinister sliding silently south

The clock ticks and ticks
The seconds, minutes, hours pass
The clock looks down from it's perch on the wall
The heart questions its validity
And sighs.

The body grows and prospers
The thought of degenerating, down-grading persists
The body takes itself in and wants to embrace the only moments it has
The brain becomes distracted and lost in its own perception
And sighs.

The Earth, the only planet where love is known to exist
The clock has no jurisdiction over it
The Earth, in all its cosmic glory and all-knowingness
The body, such a sin to let it rot from the inside out,
Sighs.

The clock, the body, the brain, the heart, the Earth
The ticking, the rotting, the thinking, the sighing, the all-knowing
The clock measures the body, and the body, the Earth
The Earth, with no heart or brain of its own, spins unworried
Yet sighs.

at first she was passionate
at first she was kind
at first she said she liked me
and I didn't mind
even though I didn't know why

things were just great
things really seemed bright
things couldn't have gone better
she showed me the light
but then we started to fight

the end was creeping closer
the end of the line
the end of the bad and the good
every night I wanted to cry
and this time I knew why

now things are better
now things seem sort of right
now things pass me by
I feel like a bright red kite
with things on its mind
yeah these things on my mind
always these things on my mind
and I'm not sure if I know why

up here
we all float gently
down the stream of our consciousness
as our minds open, we embrace enlightened love

A soul lost makes a good man
Perpetual motion breeds success
Tossing & turning into a handstand
***** to **** but at least I **** less

Never claimed to be your superman
But old Clark has nothing on me
I write for you and my back bends
I've got the touch, I can make you see

You never thought I could
And I never blamed you
The coulds & shoulds & woulds
Blinded you to the truth

So put your faith in my light
As I flick my Bic over a puddle of gasoline
Try & try & try as I might
Off your thoughts, I can't wean you

With the new me and the old you
We can do things we have never before
So hold my hand now, embracing all that's true
And by the end, you'll be asking for more
And more
And more

I got lopped in the face and
All I got was this mouthful of blood
Holding my head up high
With my shoes in the mud

Crusty-eyed, like I just rose from a long sleep
Wiping them clean with an old rag
I can see now, but then my ears start to ring
Hoisting myself up, an old and tattered flag

Cracking my neck, my ears clear again
The noise is like a bell calling me home
I take a step and my knees buckle
Take it as it comes like a young Ethan Frome

Standing up straight, my senses intact
For a moment, I ponder the crystal lake before me
Then I strip and I dive and I smile today
For once I was blind, but now I see clearly

I smile, I grin a worthless grin
Over a burning bridge
Ain't nothin' much I can do
I lose, I lose but then I win
All the pain, was it worth it?
I just don't know
I don't know

She moved without care.
You died when she touched her hair.
Then... She left you there.

The war took many things
Many things from many people
Possessions, money, life and love
In descending order.

I was unaffected
For I had nothing to begin with.
No family, no friends, no money, nothing.
And I wouldn't have minded if I was a casualty.

I suppose my nothingness
Could have been taken from me.
If I had lost my life, I might have had something.
But even today, no one knows what happens after your body gives out.

My squadron would be sent on menial missions.
To destroy the last remaining churches, temples, synagogues, mosques.
Only to ***** out the centers for those who still clung to hope.
They were "menial" because there weren't many of those people left.

With the Earth scorched and hope all but a wistful memory
I wondered why, for the first time, I hadn't taken my own life.
It seems unbelievable to live hopeless for so long and never consider it.
But now I fantasized about setting myself on fire, instead of that church.

Days came and days went and nights were spent dreaming of flames.
My throat would hurt from screaming so loud and I liked that.
I would wake up in a blissful daze, the dream replaying in my head.
Then I'd fall asleep again and wake up dreading the tasks before me.

One day, not long after my flame fantasies had begun
The Captain sent our Android unit ahead of us as usual.
Their main use was to scout the area and **** whoever was in our way.
But that day, that day was one I'd never forget.

The Androids hustled ahead and explosions were heard soon after.
The Captain radioed to them but received no answer.
Worry grew wildly on his face as he looked to us.
"ULB-5256... See what the trouble is. This is your prime directive."

I had a feeling I would the one chosen.
The Captain knew I no longer valued my life.
I had never spoken out loud about it.
But the Captain had a way of just knowing things.

I jumped up, eager and excited as ever.
If I ran ahead and got blown to bits, that would be okay.
If I ran ahead and shot everyone else to bits, that would be fine too.
But I had to see what went down because this was my Prime Directive.

God has never been a kind fellow
I know this from history and TV and my family
They say Lucifer, in Hell, he does bellow
Seducing the Holy and the poor and the wealthy
God does his best to protect the people
Shielding them from their eternal damnation
His followers, however, have turned into sheeple
As they curse the fallen angel from police stations
Focused on the church itself and ignoring beautiful steeple

To the highest mountain I go
Barefoot and starved blind
I stop to feel the cool wind blow
And take a seat to unwind
What comes next I will never know
So I ask, from anyone, a sign
And God laughs above me, Lucifer laughs below
These two ***** are intertwined
Despite what my pastor shows

If there is one thing I'm proud of
It is that I can create
I might not be the sharpest knife
But use me and you can relate

School was never easy for me
My parents hardly pushed
That was a good thing though
I've never succeeded when rushed

My brain works in odd ways
I make connections where others don't
The light at the end of the tunnel
Is where I move to when others won't

I tend to think low of myself
For good reasons sometimes
But I know I will come out ahead
For I remix the reason and the rhyme

I also look past things
Where others tend to grasp
Holding my shallow breath
With eyes on the true task

What does lay before me
I will never truly know
But I'm building my barricade
To the sky and it will show

For by the end of the end
When my body is done on this Earthly plane
My soul will live on forever
An old man who needs not a crutch, nor a cane

i am a wound
a wound
on the side of the earth
that it would scratch
if it could

perhaps
i am so miniscule
it does not want to waste
the energy it would take
to ***** me out

for now
i am waiting
waiting for the day
in which i am scratched
off the face of the planet
for good

Fires burning in my heart
Burning in my dreams
Burning in my mind
Everything and nothing
Turns to powdery ash
Around me

The best karma is being born
Into a good family

Those aren't my words, rather
They're Duncan Trussell's
Who happens to be my favorite comedian/philosopher/human I've never met

And he's right
Tons of truth live in that statement
I've seen it first hand
And I'm sure you have too

I've always been a rather melancholy person
Prone to frequent depressive episodes
That usually culminate in contemplating
My own death
Whether or not it is ethical to end it
By my own hand
Or getting someone else to
Get their hands *****
By doing it for me

I've thought about disappearing
Just up and leaving without a trace
Into the wild
Like Christopher McCandless
But I know that my grief and guilt and never-ending disdain for myself
Would shadow me
Everywhere and anywhere I went

But I'm digressing
I want to talk about the origin
Of all that lurks inside me
Drenching my soul in darkness
And feeding off of me
And getting fat
With its unrestricted and mindless consumption
Of my energy

I want to start with my maternal great-grandmother
All I know of her is what my mother has told me
From what her father told her
Which wasn't much since she died when he only three years old
The main point I want to make is that she died in the care of
Shrinks, head-doctors, psychiatrists
Whatever you want to call them
In 1948
She was an alcoholic
Who would sing and sing
Without a single **** given
On the bus to and from work
People were obviously freaked out
By her unwillingness to conform to "normalcy"
Sitting quietly and ignoring everyone else on the bus
Like everyone else on the bus
So her brothers had her committed to an institution in Manhattan
One that is known to have had ****** conditions
And filled with doctors who treated patients like dirt
Flowers grow out of dirt, right?
If there was no soil on Earth, we wouldn't exist, no?
That's another digression (and maybe a pointless one at that)
Anyway
They said she died of liver complications
Which would make sense given her history of alcohol abuse
And then it was over
For her
Her sadness had ended
Albeit in quite a sad way
In a sad place
Filled with sad people
But she escaped
In the end
Leaving her memory
And, dare I say it,
Her sadness
To permeate down the line gallantly
On strong horses equipped with expensive leather saddles
Who now live within me
And I am certain
Will live on long after I am gone

Don't let the
Third dimension
Get you

Down

What if

We feel

So deeply

We can't

Possibly deem

Anyone, anything

Worthy of

Our Love?

Desperate times

Gritted teeth

Broken down

Ground up


Built up

From dust

Through Hell

And back


Rough circumstance

Breeds hardness

Cold hearts

Desperate measures

I dream of
Ten thousand knives
Sharp and poignant
Piercing the veil
Of our bodies
And the whole
Fabric of our
Being

You can hear the
Dripping, dropping
With your ear to the ground
The vibrations emit and emanate
For miles and miles and miles
The deaf can feel it
Even before we know
It is there

Bloodletting was common
Among the tribes of my homeland
Native Americans were in tune
With nature, the whole of it
Down to the
Thick crimson liquid
That flows through
Us all
An endless river
Of red life
Which oxygenates our bodies
Allows us to tap into
Our gifts
Our purposes
Our evils
Our meaning

what do you know about yourself?
rather; what do you think you know?

characteristics, attributes, talents...
were they ascribed to you
by you?
or by those around you?

do you feel it in your heart?
does your brain tell you they are real?
do you believe it?
do you question it?

have you ever bored a hole
into your own skull
just to see what poured out?
to see what was actually in there?

perhaps someone did you the favor
to spare you of doing it yourself?
the stuff that comes out, however,
is always different when it is done by the hands of another.