Every single time I think of you
it is never directly of you.

It always is the red potatoes
sprinkled with rosemary.

It is lit cigarettes on fire escapes.

it is record players,
and scrabble matches.

It is the look on the cab driver's face
as I forced you in his cab
when you got too drunk
on the fourth of july.

It is the ride back home,
over the Brooklyn Bridge.

It is Fireworks exploding
into chandeliers of light,
in the distance,
as you're passed out,
and I'm crying
because I miss my mother.

2002:
today i kicked the door
to history off it's hinges
my jealous frame:
still too proud to say a word
it seems my folks forgot
to pencil in growth marks
cause they thought their boy
would never grow out of small breath
******* dead, years now buried
and i bare his name
too many syllables
for my father to go back
fish & play football
to stand in the yard and play catch

1994:
my mom, the bombshell in retrospect
broke her back in her sleep
a thousand times
since the stairwell in 87'
she still sits for spills
post nuclear about settling
now from the couch
she's a weather report
spouting nonsense
that makes my father
grow grey, crack remotes
& slam doors to dark rooms
abandoning ship
for "cheers" & "scienfeld"
while my mother
sometimes forgets
and sets his place at the table
and my appetite is abducted
by family photos
my mother says things like
"go see your brother today"
-- Johnny's long gone
don't you remember?
we buried him
the day your smile died

2014:
you are inches from me
******* a stray hair
caught in the fabric of your coat
the last remnants of a dog
we laid to rest last week
and here we are
in the hospital again
people don't shake like dogs
finality is found
in the eyes of humans
passing archways
into shallow rooms
where plague and prayer
are the only songs sung
round the stagnant clocks
it makes me wonder
if the clipboards cry
over being the last thing
someone ever writes on
take a number, have a seat
stay a while
i am back, 7 years old
& there are different doors now
they buried the ones
you kicked in that night in '92
when my lungs
were filled with holy water
you never stopped smoking
*i never grew out of asthma

I read a significant amount of poetry each day.

It does not matter if their telling a story, sharing their story or that of a friend.

I don't care if their completely ******* in their feelings... I get it!

It does not matter if their on earth, another planet or in the skies....

We can be some where and everywhere at the same time.

and

I don't care if their
off the wall,
completely insane,
love stricken,
obsessed in love,
obsessed in hate,
belligerent,
spiritual or sane.


Understand

Most of us, is one, if not all of these things.

I praise the creative minds who is able to bare what infects their souls to a world of judges, strangers and on lookers.


~Butterfly εїз

I pass the places we were
one year ago today
not purposely,
it's just that my Gods seem
to have an ill sense of humor.

Walking slowly, numbly, dreamlessly around
a blinking city
that refuses to belong to me
ever again.

With every step kicking up clouds of dirt
in form of awkward memories
from not too long ago
that feel like a hazy far away dream.
it is easier to pretend they were merely that.
Reality is much harder to accept.

Bright Cakes with soft candle light
that graced your brow.
And I find myself hoping and wishing
I didn't know that you were doing so well,

if so...I'd be able to lie to myself
and imagine that you think of me
a little sometimes.

I hope you found what you wanted,
what you relentlessly worked so hard for.

Happy Birthday.

Am I supposed to cry?
Or should I hold it together?
Would it make me look heartless
If I didn't shed a tear?
My body is breaking down to the bone
My mind is numbed by various events
Is it sickness or sadness
That is wearing me thin?
I tried to write you a song
But I couldn't get past the first verse.
What can I do to honor you now?
I wish I knew what to feel
And how to express it all.

Remember 4th grade?
When we used to buy those orange candies and the blue marbles
But we never had more than 10 bucks so we always had to choose
But I guess the times have changed
Because all we buy now are packs of cigarettes and cans of *****

Remember 5th grade?
I memorized the rare candy cheat and you memorized the master ball one
Oh the good times when we used to play Pokemon and zwinky
But I guess the times have changed
Because now we're all about DOTA and call of duty

Remember 7th grade?
You fell in love and  a week later you fell out of it
And then you smashed that thing... What was it? A photo frame?
I was just standing there trying not to laugh at you
And two days after that, you yelled at me for taking her name

Remember 8th grade?
We used to play basketball all day
I was 4'11" and you were 5'2"
And although it was just three inches
I looked like a little ****** in front of you

But some things never change
Like those marbles and the place where we buried them
I bet they are still as beautiful
As they were back then

Yes,some things never change
Like the part of my mind which memorized that cheat
A44A FB0B 6808 D662
I can't believe I still remember that ****

Yes,some things never change
Like the pieces of that photo frame
And the fact that you still hate her
And the fact that I still call her "The ***** who shall not be named"

Yes,some things never change
Now I'm 5'11" and you're 6'2"
But its still three inches
And I still look like a ****** in front of you

Yes,some things never change
Like the part of me which loved you then
Because I still do
And all these memories
that are made out of you.