I fell in love when the Christmas lights blurred around you
Creating this halo effect, and that's when, I knew, I found my angel
But my angel is not Biblical
He wears sweatshirts and the same old shoes
He talks during movies
He plays with my hair
And he's not perfect
He hurts
Hurts in ways that I wish I could heal
Hurts in ways that only real angels, watching from above, can understand
He hurts so much that he ignores the pain
Ignores all the pain
Ignores me too
I try to keep my heart afloat
But it's like the titanic,
No matter how hard I try
Which way I steer
It always crashes into an iceberg
It break in half
And slowly drowns the passengers in a froze ocean of depression
Where they scream and scream and scream
But all that can be heard, up above the surface, is silence
I'm hurting inside
And no one seems to notice
Maybe because I am so good at hiding it
Pretending it isn't there
Ignoring the pain just like everyone wants me to
Or maybe because no one seems to care
Care enough to look a little bit harder
To dig a little bit deeper
And find the teary eyed girl that hides behind her painted smile
Who's drowned all her passengers
I wish I had the wings of an angel
Not to fly away
But to fold around me
Like a cocoon of soft feathers and to have the
Silence
And I'll stay there, never emerge, never becoming this beautiful butterfly
Because butterflies are loved, cherished, appreciated
I am still this caterpillar trying to grow wings
Painting on this face
Sailing my boat
And idolizing the angel up above the surface
This black ocean
Filled with frozen hearts
Is made up of my tears i cry every night
The tears i weep in silence
-February 2018