she moved in at around 2 in the morning. I had a new roommate. I woke up groggily after hearing voices and tried to shape her with my eyes but I couldn't make out much. I went back to sleep.

next morning I woke up and saw her. cream soda colored eyes....to die for. we spoke maybe a sentence and then I left the room. I'd always contemplated what it would be like having a girlfriend in a mental hospital.

all day we went through counseling groups along w other girls but I kept searching for her hazel eyes.

we spoke to each other and pretended as if we annoyed each other (flirting) and I was having fun w this girl.

it was nighttime and we were in the room, still flirting. she was given medicine and was acting particularly goofy. we were both being obnoxious and messing w each other. I said something like 'shutup' and she came close to me, talking trash. our faces were inches apart. I made it a point to stare at her lips...cotton candy. we sat there for a minute just staring in silence until I moved closer to her. I expected her to then move the rest of the way so our lips would touch but she just stayed there staring so I went in for the kiss. her lips.... we kissed again and then moved on as if nothing had happened. I had to have her.

she kept coming over to my bed, climbing over me and getting in my face, and I kept grabbing her neck and kissing her. I had to. I'd be a fool if I didn't. she was beautiful.

at one point things were getting heavy and she warned me that once she was revved up she could not stop. that made me even hungrier. not before she gave me the most vibrant hickie of my life, she said she had to stop or she'd have me right then and there.

the night went on.

I got discharged from the hospital the next day and I replied to the note that she had written me earlier ('since I'm a bit mad at you right now I guess I'll just write it. I like you a lot.....') and I told her that I liked her too.

our last kiss was the most painful.

his fingers fit in the spaces between her ribs as if they were meant to be and as she buried her head in his lap he traced her elongated spine w a feather-like touch. he grabbed on to her collarbones as if he was about to climb the steepest mountain and he almost felt them shatter underneath his clutch. her wrists were diminutive. sometimes he did nothing but touch her bc even if she suddenly disappeared, he'd be there with her.

I care a lot about what others think
which is why
  I put up with so much ****.

people can say what they want
about me and
I just end up laughing.

in actuality
I take everything to heart
   and I always end up getting hurt

I'm afraid that if
   I defend myself, I'll be labeled as a
     ***** and no one will like me.

I'm used to being pressured
and doing what people tell me to
   despite how I feel

I'm tired of caring and I'm tired of being so spineless.

tired and uninspired.

these discourses are too private to even share with the sky himself

there are a few things I have realized in my life thus far:
1. waking up before the sun every morning is exhausting, but you never miss a spectacular sunrise
2. people will not change you, you have to change yourself
3. procrastination is a hard habit to kick
4. you should never change for boys who will leave you crying regardless of how much you change yourself for him
5. if he hits you once he will do it again
6. if your friends betray you; question what they really meant to you in the first place
7. be open, be open, be open: scream, cry, love openly and outwardly
8. appreciate nature; go for walks and breathe in the air as if the breeze was going to blow you away
9. there is an unspoken sense of freedom you get when you let go of what was holding you back
10. never forget you were created by the same thing the created the stars