Sense I was little I have been close to my sister
though lately I actually hate her
and it's not a teen age moody hate
it's a rage
I feel like hitting something every time I hear her name.

I use to look up to her
she use to be my world,
now she a stranger,
That I'll never talk to again

The worst part is it feel like she died
but I see her around
she post on facebook
I see her in town
I want to go up to her and yell and scream
but instead I lock my self in my room and try to breath

Cause sense what happened happened
I have worse anxitey
I feel like I can't breath
I hate her with a passion
and yes its a strong word
but that how I feel right now

She left me alone
like i was nothing to her
she use to be my hero
the one I went to for everything
now she someone I despise
I don't like seeing her so I just hid.

I feel like I miss her
like she is dead
and a part of her is
and that's what I dread

Its like the loss of the love one, without any closer
and that what ***** the most
the feeling that I can't move on
cause I lost something dear to me
and I want to be dreaming
I want her back more then anything
but I know I'll never forgive her for what she's done...

And I don't know why I'm writing this
Maybe I'm just fighting this feel of hopelessness
Maybe I'm hoping someone will answer this and tell me why thing's have to be like this
they don't have to be like this
but she can't fix this
I'm broken and she did this
and I'm ready to end this.

My sister use to be my best friend....
and now she's my worst enemy.

Marriage has never been something I had to do,
my family want's me to, they want me to have kids and be happy with someone,
Though marriage has never been something I had to do,
more something I never want to do,
sure I want to fall in love and make it work,
but I hope they know marriage will never be something I do.

I talked to my girlfriend once about marriage cause she wanted to,
she said she wanted a big wedding, outside,
We didn't last that long.
Then I met a boy, he didn't talk about the future all that much
he said he could see kids,
we broke up too.

You see marriage has never been absolut for me,
more of a never,
but more and more lately I find myself thinking a bit about it,
wondering why I don't want it,
I was wondering till one of my friends said
'Just find the person who you fall for so hard the though of not marrying with them and calming them as yours hurts'
It sounded romantic and I could imagine my vows,
but even after hear that, it still wasn't enough to make me want it.

Marriage has never been something I have to do,
Marriage has never been a dream of mine,
Marriage has never once crossed my mind other then in passing,
Marriage is something I'll probably never have,
and that's okay, cause if I can be with someone for life with out using a ring to claim them as mine, and them having my last name, then hell out relationship is strong, and were not trapped with in the walls of having to get divorced if we grow tired.

Marriage has never been something I have to do.

I took a breath but it didn't sink in
I'm pretty sure I'm alive
but sometimes it doesn't feel like it.
Cause I avoid interaction,
Social gatherings are like hell
going out with friends should be enjoyable but...
I would rather be alone.
and when I say alone its not most peoples alone
I don't want to be only only now or at that moment
I want to be alone forever.
And forever maybe a bit of an exoneration, maybe at one point i'll want human interaction,
But that seems like a slim chance right now.

I would actually rather have people not care cause I know its a lie when I say to myself they don't
It's easier to crt+alt delete your life, when you know people don't care.
Cause if I could do that I wouldn't hid behind this computer that lights up my room at night because I can't sleep,
and some days I go with out any sleep cause for some reason the dark fuels my mistakes.
And you probably haven't read to this part,
and if you have well then great no reward cause I have nothing else to give,
my body is worn and scared from giving my time already
if you want take my heart just make sure I'm not breathing before.
It won't be ******, just a helping hand.

so... I'll take a breath but it won't sink in
I'll force myself to do this thing called life but I won't actually live.
and I'd rather be alone for the rest of it,
so please if you could excuse yourself and don't leave a comment.