i'm crying. i think the tears have been itching to get out of my eyes but here it is now. i'm crying.

i'm regretting. i think guilt has finally overcome my selfishness but here it is now. i'm regretting.

i'm breaking. i'd like to think that this is just my heart's way of peeling it's old skin. after all the old skin breaks, i'll come anew. but right now, i'm breaking.

but here we are now, i'm everything that i wish i wasn't but i'm going through this pain again that found me in the darkest alleyway of my heart. i thought i hid well, but here we are now.

i don't know how to end this. i'm just hurt. i miss him so much.

‪why am i always attracted
to flames?
to ember?
to things
that are already burnt;
charred to the ground?

why is it every time
there’s a faint smell of smoke
li‬ngering in a room
i try to find its source?

why is it that my lungs,
that are already damaged
from being suffocated,
begs to be filled
with smoke
again?

scars,
pulsing to the sound of embers
crackle and pop.

i shouldn’t be playing with fire.
i should’ve learned my lesson.
i should’ve stopped when i can
already feel my hands burning.

but why am i still trailing?

hindi ko alam saan magsisimula.
sa pagsulat ng ”tama na”,
sa paglakad sa kalsada,
o sa pagtipon ng mga tulad kong galit sa kanila.
saan ba ako magsisimula?

tama na. parang awa niyo na.
hindi ito tama, kaya tama na.
sa gitna ng mas malaking problema,
ito pa ang inyong inuna:
ang pagprotekta sa inyong mga buhay
na sadyang kay saya.

paano kami?
paano sila?
paano na ang mga taong lunod sa problema,
lunod sa sakuna?
hindi pa ba sapat ang paglunod niyo sa mga taong nagtangkang magsalita noon pa?

kung ako’y mawawala
dahil sa aking pagsalita,
sa aking paniniwala,
mga minamahal ko,
di bale nang ako ang mawala
kesa ang karapatan na dapat nasa atin pa.

i still carry
the scabs i picked
off the wound you
inflicted on me years ago
leaving it as open as the first time
you did it. see how my heart forgave
but never forgotten.

if anything,
i forgive you.

i don’t care
if you’ve changed
or if you’re still
the same person
that broke me
years ago.

one thing’s for sure:

it’s not my job to trust you anymore.