this morning
as i groggily rolled onto my back
and felt the weight of the blanket draped across my body
i briefly thought you were lying atop me
my face buried in your shoulder
my lips gently pressing against your neck
and then quickly gravitating downwards
repeatedly kissing the spot where your neck and shoulder meet
so as to make you shiver against me
and smile brighter than the morning sun
snuggling against me more
so that i could wrap my arms and lift my legs around you
both of us sleepy but bathed in the morning light

and so i laid there
for two minutes past my alarm
lost in the everlasting euphoria that just the thought of you can bring
wishing that maybe
just maybe
i was only dreaming that you weren't there

and tonight i shall bow at the altar
like a great tree bends in the wind
and scratch my skin

as an offering

to the confidence i lost with my femininity,
to the loved ones i have lost or forgotten,
to stars and the heavens and the seas

my branches will snap and break away
my leaves will crunch underfoot
as i stand and cry out from the pain

until i have bled myself dry

but like all great trees
i will grow again when the storm has passed
wiser and lovelier than ever before

On those days when
your ghosts visit you
before witching hour,
wrapping their familiar
fingers around your
throat, remember:
it's okay to relapse.

As they shove their
fingers down your throat,
you'll find it hard to
breath and even harder
to try and think.

Because the dead
will force you to
remember all the
anxieties that you
grew out of, all
the tendencies that
they inspired in you
that ranged from suicidal
to only worrying too much.

And I'm sorry to say it,
but eventually you will
***** up every single
butterfly they ever gave
you, along with the fond
memories you tried to
keep for a rainy day.

You're going to make one
hell of a mess all over the
present and the immediate
future, and your ghosts will
make sure you can't do
anything else until you break
down in defeat and beg for
their mercy and forgiveness.

And you won't be granted
either of those things, but
they will eventually leave
for purgatory again and you
will be able to think again
and remember that
it's okay to relapse
because your past will
always be a part of you.

I'm sorry that my back broke
when it was suddenly weighed down
by the ******* I no longer want
and that you had to pick up the
pieces of my spine, despite being
the second to know.

I regret that, in the aftermath,
there has been only regression
into my old habit of feeling a strong
itch coursing through my veins
and pulsing beneath my skin,
leaving me with fanciful thoughts
of scratching my skin raw.

But words cannot adequately
describe how badly I want
to figure out how to properly
thank you for being as amazing
as you are, never showing the
slightest hint of disappointment
that I've gotten back into old
habits of thinking far too much,
and holding my hand across the
tightrope of being genderqueer.

There are an infinite number
of ways in which I love you.

i think maybe the reason we mesh so well
is because we both still hold onto the ghosts
of the lovers we lied about forgetting.

however, i think they are still the cowards
for pretending like they moved on long ago
when we are still in each breath they breathe.

Infatuation
Is not a joyful sensation
Because it's a cheap knockoff of love

Love, teenaged or not,
Is similar to being shot
Because it sometimes leads to death

at night
when i can't sleep
i think of what could've been
specifically
what you and i could've been

we're always sitting on a couch
laughing
cuddling
snuggling
loving

it's always daytime
we're always watching a movie

and i suddenly turn to you
clasp your face in my hands
and kiss you
with a smile on my face
and love written in the way i tightly close my eyelids

and after a moment
i pull away
and whisper
"i love you more than all the universes combined"
and you whisper back
"i love you more"
so i laugh and hug you
and listen to your heart
as it thumps in your chest

and the artificial memory plays on repeat
again and again
until it's a stake driven into my barely beating heart

and so i look for my phone
so i can talk to you
and i begin to sob
and i begin to type
and i begin to take you in
everything you are and ever will be

i listen to the way you perfectly laugh
i watch the way you perfectly smile

but most of all
i feel your feelings
halfway across this misshapen continent
the romantic ones you once had

and we talk about the february over a year ago
when i had feelings for you too
but cast them aside into nothingness

and i know that you
my could've-been-lover
are the only reason i'm still alive

i
no longer have a claim to humanity
i
have lost it to insanity

i
no longer have a mind
i
have lost it and also become blind

i
no longer hate these highs and lows
i
have lost the ability to speak in prose

i
no longer hate these  babbles that rhyme
i
have lost the ability to keep track of the time

i
no longer want to breathe
i
have lost the ability to ‘childishly’ believe

i
no longer want to wait for you
i
have lost the ability to tell what is true

i
no longer desire to be ‘accidentally’ forgotten
i
have lost any care i had about becoming rotten

i
no longer desire the love of another person
i
have lost any care i had about seeing myself worsen

I sat in the corner of my mind, a frigid, barren room,
A dreadful place full of my woes and gloom.

No one had ever dared disturbed me here,
But, suddenly, a figure almost resembling a shadow appeared.

“Timid girl, why are you all alone?”
They asked as they stood mere inches from me, an invisible stare upon me all but unknown.

“Why is your skin completely gray?” I replied.
“Now please, go away.”

“Timid girl, why are you so sad?”
The figure ignored my words, its tone almost sounding glad.

“How do you speak, see, and stare with no face?” I hissed.
“Once again, leave my quiet place.”

“Timid girl, why do you silently judge others?”
Its voice mocked me then, sounding like a worried mother’s.

“Where did you come from, shadow of annoyance?” I inquired.
“Answer my questions, and stop your overrated flamboyance.”

“Timid girl, why are you so terrified of the world?”
An invisible mouth became a wicked grin, the corner of the figure’s mouth crudely curled.

“Please shut your mouth and let me be.” My mood has been soured.
“Your intention seems to be to incessantly bother me.”

“Timid girl, why is your heart so full of hate?”
The figure must’ve thought that answers to its questions were fate.

“Shadow, I am all alone because I am hated.
Figure, I am depressed because my happiness is jaded.
Annoyance, I quietly judge because I fear hurting the few whom I treasure and love.
Gray skin, I am terrified of the world because I don’t want it to spear my heart with its spiked glove.
Incriminating stare, my heart is so full of hate because I have never belonged anywhere, even at home.”
My face was now covered in furious tears,
Ones I had been holding in for years.
“Ghost from the past, now that you know what you wanted, please go back to your own lonely gravestone.”

As the mysterious soul left as quickly as it came,
The immense loneliness my mind once held was never quite the same.
Some days it seemed to be slightly brighter,
And other days it seemed so dark and hopeless that just to see you needed a lighter.

Either way, I realized the conscience I’d tried so hard to forget was the same as I.
All it wanted to know about the world was “Why?”

i think about you
when i go to fall asleep

you run circles in my mind
make me dizzy with giddy feelings of love and happiness

i imagine that you're laying beside me
close enough for me to hear your heartbeat

you're always smiling in these daydreams
the love you hold for me apparent in your eyes

but those are in my childish fantasies
not reality

in reality
you are the opposite

you stay stationary under my glance or gaze
and make me sick with horrible feelings of worry and dread

i see that you're walking far away from me
far enough for me to be unable to make out your shape

you're always frowning in the real world
the love you once held for me extinguished in your eyes

i yearn to see the you from my daydreams become true
i yearn to see the you from the real world become false

i dream of the day the you i fell in love with becomes real again