Once again
I'm wide awake
Staring into this tablet
Of mine, trying to come
Up with something to write
That will blow people's minds
But it's the same old *******
Writing about my ****** up life
Who really wants to hear a self-pity speech?
Can't seem to escape the problems inside of me
So much **** I have inside this ****** up head
Can't seem to put it all together without wishing I was dead
So many words crossing in through my mind
And it seems like I can't make time
Stop, slow down, some ******* way to get it all out
I have my fears and my doubts
What if it just ain't good enough?

Sink into the mire-
of one's desire,
venture into the void,
dipping into the fire.
Oh, how alone;
feel like playing the role,
finding out there is no key,
no cure for one's mind,
nothing pure in one's soul.
Making darkness a home,
vividly dreaming of the light.
No one can see,
a crown from the start,
it ends so dramatically,
piercing the heart.

Most of the time
I feel like a nobody
Isolated in my words to others
They seem like they don't get me
How much I want them to
But it's never going to happen
Because they think they're better than me
I get no calls from others
I have to be the one to call
I'm just existing, invisible to others

Feeling so out of place
Don't know what to think
It's so easy to give up
And bring about the hate
The ugliness I feel within
I just want to smash this mirror
It's been telling me lies for so many years
Nothing is making much sense
I try so very hard to be considerate
But everything seems too real
I get agitated too quickly
And think too much on how I feel
I don't want to say goodbye
And leave things as they are
If only I could change my mind
And make love come crashing down from afar
I wouldn't be where I'm at
And I wouldn't have to wish upon a star

Does playing by the rules count for something?
Does following the system mean anything any more?
I hear so many ideals about what is right
But I don't see much of anyone going in that direction

Hello, I love to write
Way into the night.
I sleep for a little bit,
Then I wake up to it:
The storm inside my head,
I have to get it out on pen.
What is it this time?
I write about life,
I write on how I feel,
Knowing it's all for real.
I try really hard to share,
What others would care.
I shouldn't be so worried
Of what others may see,
To like what I put down,
It's a hundred percent sound.
I don't write much about love,
I can only dream about above.
At least I write what I feel is true,
Think a different way then you.
It's all good up in here,
Pure, uncut, and clear.

I never gave gratitude a chance
Always selfish in my attempts
If you were in pain
I only thought of myself
And how I can be in pain too
I wanted your attention
I needed your affection
I craved after a compliment
When I didn't get it I felt sick
I never gave being thankful a fair hearing
Always after stuff to fill my soul
It didn't matter how you felt
I would make sense of it all
I would cry like a wolf
Make you believe me
All was lies to begin with
I never made any sense, really
Chasing after intangible things
Never giving your feelings a fair side
Hoping you wouldn't find me out
And change everything you felt about me

Oh, how selfish I have been
To you and your family
I have been rotten in so many ways
I don't think you can ever forgive
There are things about me
That the cosmos only knows
It would better to not to say
And try to have a grateful heart

Live our lives today
Like it needs to be lived
Being thankful for all we have

I haven't said a ******* word
So many unpleasant things I've heard
I'm one to think the ******* worse
Don't know why, lock me away in a hearse
Crazy as it may seem, life isn't a dream
How my consciousness slips into eternity
Just by looking at nature and it's beauty

I haven't said a ******* thing
Not in any particular direction
It hurts when my words start to sting
And I start to float on these wings
Wishing I was at peace with everything
But there is just too much *******
So much **** I can't seem to get over
So I'm fed up with it,  so ******* tired of it
Can't move forward until I get over it

I see my reflection in the mirror,
The ghost of the past makes my lines unclear.
It is unhelpful to praise my ego,
Though it is what makes me flow.

I see myself trying to find peace,
But choas is more a life for me.
Through the bustle of society,
I choose to make it all I can be.

I find it harder to be kind,
But it does make me feel good.
When I choose to do what's right,
There is more love and brotherhood.

I try not to make myself a phony,
But there are times I fall short.
It's reality to find treasures of the heart,
And become a sensitive being doing his part.

The heart cries out for relief
but the darkness has a hold of my hand
leading me toward the abyss
The discomfort will never cease
it's written on walls in far away lands
and hell's fury blows me a kiss

Drifting into the flood again
The void is right around the bin
So many delusional thoughts
Riding on heaven's wind

Perplexed by all the sights and sounds
The day goes by like a whiper
All I hear are hell's hounds
I can't run away, can't get around
From the darkness that leads me
Into the abyss

Sometimes I feel out of place

wish I was somewhere else

a different scenery I can call home

maybe I wouldn't feel so alone

and I could finaly belong

to a place where I can free

Nobody is what I feel like
just a nobody
Somebody all alone
all alone inside my head

There's a void inside my gut
no rhyme or reason
My heart is closed shut
and I can feel the changing seasons

Looking for something real
it isn't as easy as I thought
The past lays waste to how I feel
and the hollowness is my cross

I bear it...

I can turn back time
With my mind and go
Places that are hurtful
To myself. I choose to try
Not to go there, it only takes
My life and turn it upside down.
I try to think pleasant thoughts,
It's totally different when I write.
I write about the pain in the past,
The heartache in the future and the
Muddane living day to day. I write
Mostly about myself, how much of
A ***** I can be, especially living life
So selfishly. I try to not think of myself
More than I should, it's not very attractive
When all I can talk about is me, me, me.
Karma has a way of supplying the good
Things in life, I just have to hold off and
Be patient with time.

Who the **** are you
I can't stand your arragonce
You act like such a fool
I want to punch you
I want to ******* hurt you
I want you to feel the way I do
But no, you are out on the street
Spreading lies like you always do
Why don't you ******* drop dead

Rumors,
How do they get started?
They cause a lot of pain.
The truth gets blurred,
And gossip devolops.
These people aren't happy
Unless they lie about what
You have said and done.
They can't said it that you're happy
It makes their lives
miserable
Because you're not.

You've been ******* put down,
I can ******* understand.
You don't know when to turn around,
and walk through the fires.

You feel like going insane,
I have to tell you it's not that bad.
You want to run away,
and forget your crazy self.

I've tried the same thing,
it doesn't work out very well.
I've sacrificed my ******* soul,
and gone through ******* hell.

I couldn't forget the ******* pain,
I couldn't come to accept what I was.
There was only darkness in my life,
that even demons couldn't get in the way.

I touched a little of  heaven,
and could stand looking in the mirror.
I lost the attempt to control everything,
and life became more clear.

I gave up hell,
and walked away from negativity.
You have to find your own path,
but it's better than the way it was.

You ever get the feeling of erasing everything you
Ever wrote and start all over again?
Your world changes and something enters in
And lets you know whatever was bothering you
At that time doesn't really matter in light of things
So much importance on loving the ones that matter
And try to let others in even for a brief moment
And experience the essence of life and love
Hatred does no good, it only rots the spirit
I've spent too much time on expressing my anger
Maybe that's not the way to go, there is no reward
Just suffocating my heart and I can't catch any air
I want to toss all the anger aside and focus my
Attention on the principles of life; like love, honesty
Purity, and unselfishness. The world would be a
Much peaceful place if others stopped with the
Fighting, whether on the streets or in the home,
It would be a much brighter arena if others just
Really truly understood that we are all connected.

I can't stand the pain
trying to wish it all way
it doesn't go no where
the feeling is still there

the darkness has its grip
it won't release its hold
feeling so tired of all of it
showing weary eyes

where did the joy go?
it was a part of my life
now it seems so dark
no light venturing in

where did the happiness go?
it was once a part of my life
now the battle within cries out
hoping to find the truth

there was peace in the mix of things
but now that's all a dream
there is only the feeling of being sick
existing in the mind of the bewildered one

I search out my flaws, the make-up in my inner being,
The essence of life, love and liberty. I find so much hope
In what I see, nature's way of telling me all will be well.
I have so much pain, and I wrestle with God in a every-
Day occurrence, wanting this and reaching for that
But knowing in my heart that he has my back. I should
Of been lying in the marble orchid long ago but
What ever the reason I'm not is a blessing, it has
Taught me a valuable lesson of why I should live
By principles and not my selfish means.  I rejoice
In the gift of giving, whatever I can do for someone
Else is freedom in my mind. I only give a little but
Even that makes the darkness that much scared,
Frightened by the goodness in our hearts and when
I look around I can see the joy in people's eyes,
Holding true in the way they live and it makes me
estatic with a great deal of gratitude.

Wouldn't it be nice if I could change you
You could change everything about Me
We can meet in the middle and finally agree on something

The way,
It's only a way,
Does it ******* matter to me?
I live among *******,
Hell, I'm looking at one-
When I see myself in the mirror.
I look into my eyes,
From the reflection I see,
Nothing but emptiness,
I see a piece of me.

to much fightin'
to much lootin'
I fear the worse
images of a hearse
heading down the highway
and I wonder who's dead today
The pressure explodes inside my head
reality is what I dread
Can't seem to face the ******* fact
to many people want to kiss ******* ***
They want to please everyone
they want to shine brighter than the sun
I'm not one to ******* care
I'd rather be somewhere else than there
I watch the news with a smoke in my mouth
giving the t.v. the finger cause I can't figure it out
wondering why this and that person had to die
I've taken chances all throughout the rainy nights
I should of been dead a long time ago
but now it's time to take it slow
and get on with life as it suppose to be
being grateful that it's not ******* me

The more love I have, the more human I am.

Just a broken heart
Giving love a lost turn
Finding nothing in part
Amending my ways
But I thirst and burn
With a lonely void
Rendering me incompatible

I search for the desert
The snake biting my tail
Holding nothing closer
In my arms than I should
Everything seems forsaken
Bitter dreams haunting me
Falling farther down into desire
Can't come up from the fire

How can I make you see me that i'm not
Really a *******, though it feels that
Way in my heart? I try really hard to please
You but haven't done so yet, whatever i've
Said and done to deserve your evil stare
I'm sorry, what can I do to set matters
Right? Even though I tend to be really
Selfish at times, I do care about you.
I don't mean to be such an *******,
Life has been really ******* me or I've
Made life really hard for myself. Either
Way i'm trying to make life beautiful
Again, you know, when we were kids
And everything seemed such an
Adventure, until life came along and
Cut us down. It was such a mystery back
Then, full of hope and faith, love came
Ten folds and the sun seemed to shine
All day long. What happened to us as we
Grew older? so much baggage we have
With this Relationship that I can't take it
Anymore. Will it ever be right? I don't
Know but if I don't ever change my
Attitude nothing will change and life
Will always remain the same. Why
Don't you Join me in the journey?

It's official,
I don't know much of anything,
The sky is blue at times,
And then turns to grey
The sea is blue at times,
And then turns to a murky film.
The fish die off,
At our own hands,
But what does society understand?

I hear the cries from little ones,
Shot because religion plays a role
They all claim good tidings,
But these ones have no soul.

And then myself,
Searching for answers from the past,
Have no clue what it takes to belong.

I hear the beckoning of words lost
Searching for the key to unlock this heart of mine
Do I seriously have a word to offer,
Or am I just drowning in my own misery?
Thinking too much of myself,
I'll never understand these winds of change,
Cost much as it does, it will always feel misfortune.

Is there somehow to take away this death
I don't want to ever take my last breath
I am amazed Everytime i wake up alive
The grim-reaper didn't take me during the night
I thank God that he has giving me another day
What will I do with it is hard to say
I can be as miserable as I want to be
Or I can try really hard to sow happy

But as with most days it turns out a battle in my mind
Cringing for the fear that any day now I can lose my life

Where would I go from hear?
Not much is certain or clear
Is there a heaven with all of its bliss
Or a hell that wants to give me a kiss?
Or is there even a God?
A devil?
Angels and demons?
Or what happens if there is just nothing?
Never wake up again

So many questions I want answered
But for right now I guess it will have to do
And I'll be on my way hoping, always hoping
Something is true
That holds substance
Weight and depth
That will pierce my heart
And wake me up to immortality

I've chased after the moon
only to come up empty
I've raised my hands to the stars
only they were out of reach
I've wished upon them time after time
and there was still only a dream
I've slept passed the daylight
and woke up sweating at night

All I ever wanted was to begin aknew
but I was too prideful to ask for help
I couldn't see what was true
there was no escaping myself
The darkness hovered over my head
and I prayed like I always did

"God help me!

There was no burning bush
no lightning bolt
just the darkness lifted a little bit
and I was able to see

The truth is hard to admit
when denial is always there
Falling farther down into the abyss
a deep hole and a deeper pit

Life wasn't looking good
all because of my choices

Then out from the chaos came life
a new meaning and avenue
How it happened I can't explain it
Was it because of accepting the truth
or was it meant to be this way?

Who knows, I sure as hell don't, but I'm very grateful

Enter me
The spirit rises
The gods are watching
float away in the raft
The water rises
The lands are close at hand
And rescueing me is a tribute

I walked around the city I'm new in
Looking for the post office
So I could get a money order
For my new landlord
Here and there people I did see
But most the traffic was on the streets
I had to pay close attention to walking across a street
Lest I get run down by a speeding vehicle
So many people in their cars and trucks
Racing to a destination that will still be there
Even if they slowed down a little bit
But who am I? Not a person with driver's license
My means of transportation are my feet
And it's been that way for a long time
Do I want to drive? Sure I do, who wouldn't?
I've been told it's a freedom like no other
To be able to get up and go
And go anywhere in this great Country of ours
I would be a fool to not want to experience that
But I have always known no other way
Could it be I'm just scared of change
Scared of the unknown
Scared to take a risk
Just maybe everything will turn out okay
And I can begin to know the freedom of what they talk about

I don't claim to know the answers
In all honesty, I don't know ****
I feel, I believe, I have hope
Is that all I really need to know?
I can't give a, "Hell yea!"
It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth
It seems like there has to be more
But it's the only thing I have for now

Maybe that will change, who's to say
I try to make the most of the day
I get out of life of what I put into it
It seems like I've taken so much
And that's why I'm feeling stuck
Karma has it's way to unfold
And if I keep ******* up there will
be nothing left of me, just hollowness
And that's not where I want to be

There I am
Pretending
Forever lost
Forever confused

I hear the words that you speak
And it all sounds good to me
But I am the critical one
The cynic

I want what you got
I am the envious one
I see the glow on your face
The twinkle in your eyes
It is working out for you
I am so glad

But I am enslaved to the darkness
No beauty where I go inside my head
It's hard to let go of the voices
Telling me to join the dark prism
Where rainbows turn into nothingness
But maybe there is beauty in the dark hole
In my soul. Just maybe even the song being
Sung ignites a power that is forever beautiful

Just maybe the black rose being laid by the altar
Will never wilt and die because in the darkness there is beauty.

I'm just a ******* low life,
spend my time doing not
much of anything. I smoke
and drink away my time
in the bedroom, while my
woman and daughter are
living life. I spent a year
hiding away, turned my
head for a second and my
daughter turned two. I keep
going back and forth, not
knowing what to do, all
of this is brand new. I'm
going ******* crazy inside,
all of this responsibility is
handed to me so quickly
And it seems like I can't take
It
anymore. I need to pull
the strength out of me,
the chips aren't down
just yet. I'm not giving
up so quickly. I need to
become the boyfriend
and farther I need to be
except a selfish mother
****** that everyone
knows but me.

****** up in my head
Waiting for death instead
Too much burden
Too much pressure
Nothing to wake up to
Nothing in this world to do
All alone with these crazy thoughts
Loneliness seem like a virtue

What the hell am I searching for,
it seems like everything takes a back door?
I try things but things are too bleak,
what the hell is wrong with me?
I try to look at the beauty of things
but most of the time I'm thinking negative.
It isn't anything that you have done,
I'm just wandering under the sun,
and my attitude is **** poor.

Is this what I have to contend with,
marching along to a different beat?
Looking at things from the dark side,
wondering if it will ever be right with my life.
It isn't anything that you have done,
I'm just wandering under the sun.

I have everything to be grateful for,
but I truly don't know for sure,
what the hell am I after,
when the days seems like a lonely road to travel?
Where is all the support,
or did I make them all go away?
It isn't anything that you have done,
I'm just wandering under the sun,
and my attitude is **** poor.

I've been such an idiot
Thinking I can forgive you
I try to run through it
In my mind and there is no clue
Of how much you can be blind

I don't accept how things are
I've come too far to realize the
Truth gets blurred, trying
To reach from my gut and live
A better life

I don't need you to explain
What happened was insane
There isn't nothing you can say
That would make a change

I don't know that's why you are
Living on higher plain, but I say
**** your pretending of living
The "Right way".  It's all *******
Nonsense to me, I don't want your
Religion if that's how I'm going
To turn out to be

Sinking faster and faster into the mire
Dirt and grime covered my hands
No beauty to look upon, no dawn
No hope of ever leaving this place
The dark corners in this mind of mine
So many secrets I have hidden
Don't want them to see the light of day
I have ran away for far too long
It's time to stand on my own two feet
And stop with the lies that are bringing me down
I pay no attention to my gut feeling
Probably should, I wouldn't fall to pieces
If I put my trust in the direction of intuition
So much has to be unlearned for me to survive
I don't do life very well and haven't since I can remember
I need the help others or I'm going to sink
Deep down in the pit of despair that wants to **** me
I try to climb my way out from this dark hole
But I can't see what the hell I'm doing
There is no light shining on me
No burning bush I can see
Society wants me to behave in a certain way
But I'm so ******* tired of being someone I'm not
It's like leading a double life
I act one way to please you
And behind your back I'm someone else
The real person I should be
But I don't want to go there out in public
I'm more shy than anything else
But get to know me I can never shut the **** up
So why do I feel the need for your ******* approval
I beat myself up if I don't get liked
But what is it that makes me so insecure
Is it that I don't want to be an *******
Don't want to come off as a ******* *******
But in the end I pretty much bow down to you
And that's not how I want to live my life anymore
I try so hard to get away from the mire
I hold onto the truth things will be better off tomorrow
If I do what's right everything will fall into place
But I must not drift into obsessing  over your approval
It will all makes sense when the time comes
I'll be okay once the feelings are done
And I can seriously just drift away

Is it the silence of all remains of civilization,
willowing their thoughts on the threshold-
of humanity, crying to be born out of-
the crest of creation?

Or is it the soft penetrating sounds of-
birds chirping, singing in their-
harmonious tone, nesting on the-
foundation of what is love?

For if you cannot find peace within-
yourself, there is no reason to look-
somewhere else. For to look is like-
a withering flower, crying to be born-
out of the pedestals of society.

Journey into another realm
Visions are at the helm
Crossing over to the other side
A being introduced to life

A burning couldron
Cascading a flame of disbelief
Intent on higher premises
Looking onward pass a dream