A suit of colored feather
Flamingo toucan tux
I wear my joy
For all to see,

Upon my skin
Rests dozens
Of hundreds
Of emotion.

My blue wings,
Confetti color paper,
Scribble the sorrow
In Crayola,

And I sign my name
In red,
So red macaw
This piercing beak pen
Out and out and out again,
Writing my name in red.

My dozens, my hundreds,
My span of feather,
Has meant to me
My dozens, my hundreds,
My life of emotion,

So **** your feathers,
Raise your pointed head,
Let scream these colors
And wear them so properly again,
Stand here today
To let them see
This unspoken part of pain.

Pinpricks. All over my body,
A topic undiscussable,
My cheeks like fireworks,
My arms like flame,
My heart like mud.
I’m sorry Flaxen Maid,
Not even this Sherlock,
    Can solve you.

Every time I wrote of you, it drained my pool,
My pens are dry, But my hand keeps moving,
It’s strange seeing you laughing, smiling, living,
Brings me so much joy I forget to breathe, speak or walk,
I am stricken by your beauty.

-May 34th 2013. (June 3rd)

I want to touch you,
But like ice I remember,
What you did with him.

I can't blame myself,
God knows I'm trying so hard,
Searching for a cause.

Silent echoes scream,
The avalanche of regret,
The weight is not mine.

Open my vein for these masses
Cover and shower them with my red blood
They love it.
They love my pain.

Hundreds of cheering faces,
Jumping and yelling and dancing and hugging,
Drenched in my blood.
Lambs to the slaughter
Romans to the coliseum,
Gladiators and lions and sand and blood.

Always more blood.
Suckers for more blood.

I know that when I search hardest, it's impossible to find the words to describe my experience with you.

I often end up using unintelligible words, such as God, ****, oh, wow, or simply smiling so hard I can't speak.

I'm grateful that we live at the same time, we could have been years, decades, or lifetimes apart.

But here we are, perfect in the moments that we have, embracing each other as we are, and using each others strengths and weaknesses to compensate for our own.

We are so powerful as people.

You and me.
We are strength.

So sorry, my blue eyed beauty,
So sorry, my wonderful flame,

I’m bleeding, Can’t breathe,
My heart, Doesn’t beat,

Understand, Isolate me,
Step back, Please just see,
I loved you,


So sorry, I let you down,
So sorry, I let it die,

I’m burning, Third degree,
My eyes, Just can’t see,

Understand, Drown it out,
Watch, listen, Drag it down,
    Forgive me,


I can’t feel any joy,
I don’t see myself,
Was it just a game,
Please save yourself,

Heart stopped dead,
No breathing here,
Hands drenched in blood,
I broke my mirror,

Understand, Let it out,
Please just see, and try to breathe,

Without me, You’ll be better,
No room to see, Please come clean,


So sorry, I let you down,
So sorry, Can’t see you out,

So sorry, I let you down
So sorry, I can’t be you now.

-June 16th 2013

This egg,
Growing and incubated
Has been left cold and seeking,
Grasping at any branch,
Any hand
Any heat.

Hey,
I know what you’ll say,
But I wanna say,
What I need to say,

Hey,
Every day,
I sit and pray,
You won’t go away,

Like she did that day,
So please just stay,

I never want to lose you so,
I never want to say goodbye,
I never want to see you go,
I never wanna hear there’s some other guy,

You and I are akin to lovers,
One could say we are, akin to each other,
Please know I will never love her,
So please don’t tell me, you're with another,

I want you to myself,
I want to be so selfish,
I need you to myself,
I need you to myself,

I need your hand in mine,
Lips against mine,
Love in sight,
And if you let me,
    I just might...

So never let me hear you say,
What you don’t want to say,
Never let me iterate,
What was said that day.

-June 20th 2013

It's wonderful.
You finally respond.
You smile and things are normal again.
I don't have to wait anymore.
You don't hate me.
I exist.
You do too.

And then I wake up.

Gotta let your​ senses overwhelm you
Gotta feed on carnal feeling,
Let those open wounds breathe through
Embrace the skin's red bleeding.

Feel love's cold sting singing
Feel Spring's flower's leaving
Even the smile that she's leaving.
The changing of the seasons.

Breathe in
Breathe out
Let pollen and dust into your ash and tar,
Look up at night, appreciate the stars.

And reach out
Far.
Farrer than far,
The space out there feels no spring,
It thinks our Earth is so bizarre,
The loving of these seasons.
The loving of these feelings
These bleedings
These breathings.

Pull it into our tar,
Pull the stars and farther,
Let the star stuff bleed you.
Let your human see through
Breathe through to glitter dust.
Pull similes to us,
Filter out the rest.

The space out there feels no love
No cove of blood and gut,
And could we teach it, yes,
But.

Let us breathe it first.

I know you said it was over,
I know I said I agreed,
I know you walked away,
I was content,
For the time being

But for some reason,
It is you I keep seeing,

I can’t shake this feeling.

Gorgeous quicksilver clouds drifting silent as the revolution continues,
Masking slightly that white orb come so near,
Together in heart but not in body,
Twin souls, with no matching blood,
Catatonic, safe, and liberating,
Never destroy this sensation, sunshine,
Never shine a light too bright.

-June 22nd 2013 (Giant moon tonight)

I still dream of that first love,
    That perfect composition of black and white and blue eyes to freeze the sun.
I still dream of the second confusion,
    That flowing figure who had too much fun with life even though she cut.
I still dream of that third promise,
    Those two eyes of lightning storms and a smile to quiet the loudest gun.

Three strikes,
     the third was the charm,
          but the lock on my charm bracelet fell off,
               the luck ran out.

And yes I get jealous,
But what did you expect.
I want your kiss, your touch,
I want every single one.
Okay, I love you,
I really didn't want to,
But I do.
And I don't know what to do.

I am a monogamous animal.
I want only one lover to be with.
And I want from you to feel the same way.

Eternally watching,
Always writing, noting,
Never speaking,
Never gloating.

I see you there,
All many of you,
I see you continuing,
Through and through.

Mine eyes are tools,
Tools of trade,
They help me work, love, and breath,
Find my way.

And match it to yours.

All my shirts have bloodstains,
I don’t suppose that’s good.
At night I’d never kneel and pray,
But I applaud people who do.

To write nowdays takes effort,
An effort I don’t have.
Nothing in my life romanticizes,
My pen goes through collapse.

It’s rare for me to produce a thing,
For things require production.
I will sit and stare and waste my days,
I fret over my diction.

My poems are fading.
My life is not.

Shocking how alluring the French can be,
It seems like with each thought I think of that wonderful face of yours,
It gets slightly harder to breathe,
And it’s slightly easier to begin to see what I’m going for,

Lying here it seems like with every hour I think of what may,
The air is slightly thinner than before,
My heart beats, giant smiles and my soul flares say,
That this is something strong, though I don’t know for sure.

You say you’ve never been in love,
Let me tell you, it’s a lot of fun,
And even when it’s said and done,
That smile is hard to get rid of,

And I don’t know where this is going,
But I know a side of me is showing,
When we talk I stop loathing,
Cause there’s something to you I want you to show me.

Such small arms you had
And how
Tight that sweater held you .
How
Tight
I held you,
Knowing how temporary
These moments are.

How peaceful your soft
Hair was in my face as we
Read and solved children's books.
Laughing and pointing.
Kissing.

I will never forget.

Every time I awake from slumber,
I glance around my room,
Expecting to see you here.

I sleep with my door unlocked.
*You know this.

Now that I think of it,
There are things in my chest
I don't let out,
Things trapped behind iron bars
And locked coffers
Things I never want to show,

This is a prison
Trapped in my head games,
Games I play every day.
Praying that every day is a day-
With you.
Not one more day alone.
I wish you knew.

Every cigarette I breathe,
I breathe you.
Every burning breath that I take
Is one that I take with you next to me.

Desperate landscape,
Every road is further
Than the furthest I've been from before-
Ohio is worn, I'm done being torn.

My mind's made up.
Every possibility has been considered,
I know what I choose from here,
And I don't know if it's something you want to hear.

I still choose you.
I choose time and painful nights.
I choose the time apart,
All the hard parts.

She takes her coffee black.
I cringe.
For what she lacks
In taste-buds,
I make up for in love.

Why do I let you ruin my mind,
Is it because I love you so,
Or is there some reason to find,
Why I let myself go so low.

I feel my words bounce off of you
Going nowhere, the void of space.
Why is there no response from you?
More time is what I need. More days.

But I really think I am.

It's always my pain which makes me cry.
But tonight it's yours.

I've learned to let go
Something about chronic
Spiders
And ants and bees
CRAWLING
All over me,
      It's made me care less.

You can fight all these pests,
And when your mind is frying on DPH
Or LSD or DXM,
You really have no desire to,
You don't have a choice.

You let the flies be flies
And the snakes be snakes.

We are powerless, I have learned.
I'm glad I've gone passive.

A heart could tell a lot of it could talk,
But my heartbeat could tell you just as much.
It tells me that I have anxiety,
And that I do not know how to calm down.

My lungs could tell a lot if they could talk.
I hear the air but not the flesh itself,
I hear the pain, the scare, the ache inside,
I hear the lack of any laugh at all.

My brain could tell a lot if it could talk.
"My mom left me when I was ten years old,"
"My dad is an alcoholic *******,"
"I have a future unlike both of them."

"Listen to her read poems in French."

Is this too specific?
I simply want to hear her voice.

Resting my head on your lap was magic,
Listening to all your syllables
And silent letters.
Watching your lips
So carefully as you tongued
The notes of a forgotten poem.
You turned words that I can read into
The song of a choir
And the language of romance,
I could hear Camus and Descartes
In your voice,
I could hear the timbre of your tongue
Embody the tortured author's pleas.

I could hear your voice
And watch you make art
With lips so red from kissing.
And I fell in love with it.

"Listen to her read poems in French."
Has been amended to
"Listen to her speak."

Tonight,
“Goodnight” followed with love.
     In my head at least.

I want her to kiss me as she would a lover,
And love my body as she would a lover,
And hold me as she would a lover.
And call me "Lover,"
And drape herself over me,
And examine me from inches away.

I want her to look into my irises and say
                 "You have a triangle speck of your deep brown which pierces your pupil,"
And I will kiss the tip of her nose say
                 "You are the first to notice. I love you."
And she will smile and we will embrace and give in.

We would not be lovers, just.
People who make passionate body connections and care for the other.

I cannot love.

Take me high-
So high up with your powder wings
Angel of dust and up,
Let me drink from your cup.

Show me the world from your height,
Intoxicate me with your wine,
And poison me with your poisons.
I love it.

Every time I fly alone,
I miss you most.
Always on the top of my tongue and
The front of my thoughts,
Always the first on mind
And first I speak.

Ask them,
Those around me,
I can't shut up about you.
I take Cristian mythology and apply every
Hyperbole and analogy withing those books
And weave it into your holiness,
Your true light.

You possess a place more pure than Eden
Within me,
And a heart more red that the fruit we indulge,
I could get lost inside of you,
I would love to get lost inside of you
Every night.

Studying your doctrines,
Learning your covenants with my finger
Across the pages,
Running my eyes, face and hands all over your tomes,
Breaking down and reassembling your information.
Study you devoutly,
Every day and every night to dedicate to worship
Through practice and through study.

You are a testament to man's virtue
And a testament to his ability to wait.
You are St. John's gift upon me,
The land behind his gates,
My Zion of knowledge and joy.

I will count my blessings,
And take it for what it is.
I love you.
I love what you've done​ for my life,
Unintentionally, too.
You've made faithful this secular man now monk,

I believe in you,
And light of the sun every morning.
The taste of my coffee, roasted every day,
My carcinogin cigarettes,
Your sweet kisses, teasing,
And the drugs I take regularly.

You've made the mundane magnificent,
And I thank you,
God, thank you.
I will never under appreciate what you've given.
My God,
My Gaia.

Sometimes,
When I'm beginning to drift to sleep,
Sitting or laying with my blindfold on,
I smile.
It's not a weak smile.

My brain thinks of the happiest moments of my life, and some of them are with you.
Always you when I'm sleeping.

I'm worried they'll see me smile.

Don’t make permanent decisions
            Based on temporary emotions.

Wise words for a human.




I live by a creed:

Do unto others as you would like done unto you,
What goes around comes around,
Always tell your loved ones that you do, indeed, love them every time you say goodbye,
        For you may never see them again,
Hate and be hated,
Think good thoughts;
        Good things happen.
*
My life is safe. Things are well. But I am afraid of the dark,
            It always seems to engulf the light.

Just enough,
Far enough,
Moving and swaying,
Seeing and breathing,
Words and rhymes,
Passion and play,

Just enough effort,
And not a drop more.

-June 6th 2013

As one branch forks
Into two branches,
Thoughts do the same.

Fractals of existence,
Permanently deepening
The roots of experimenting.

Always thinking,
Always solving
And resolving.

The gray in my brain
Is really just a busy
Head
Of
Cauliflower.

Pulse.



                                Pulse.
                        Pulse.

The urge is back.



                    To bleed.

And having her look away.

My teeth are red, and white
So crimson is my blood upon them
Like roses upon snow.

Sweat,
By god you make me burn,
The fire lit, the charcoal glowing
I feel it once more
I'm functioning
This furnace burns
Bright as day.

Mediocre dreams,
Okay sleep,
Alright day,
And all that follow.

No blessings.

I only imagine
In shapes and calculations
And measurable values
When I am healthy.

The system starts failing
When I start to idealize
The lack of numbers
The lack of words
And the lack of progress.

An optimistic brain can be more dangerous than the cynic.

Cry me a river,
Build a bridge,
Tie a cinder block to your legs,
Throw it off that bridge,
And drown in your sorrow.

I hope that when the sun sets at night,

That maybe you’ll think of me,

And when your eyes seem to ignite,

You can maybe see

    That,

    I... Uh,

    Well,

    I love you.


I know I say it, Please know I mean it,

‘Cause every minute I think it.

I know you’ve seen it, Believe it,

‘Cause every breath I take I breathe it.

-July 17th 2013

She said she'd break my heart.
I think it will be the other way around.

One million for you,
Double it, triple,
One million one,
And a million more,
All. For. You.
Every shred,
Every piece,
Grows stronger.
Steal them all,
Leave me none,
It will start,
    Anew,
    For you.

This new study says
That therapods like
Tyranosaurus Rex
Made hissing,
Booming sounds
Like cassowaries
And emus.

They are right
As I see it.

They were not monsters.
Only pre-birds.

I see my nails scratch my wrist bare,
Exposing my veins and arteries,
My skin peels back, splits open.

I see nothing abnormal.

I have handed you a bullet.
I have handed you a revolver.
Load it,
                             **** it,
And pull it.

Regret,
Is all I feel,
Forget,
What is real,

Just let it all go,
Just let go-o,
Just so you know,
I reached my lo-ow,

Cause you’re my everything,
Please hear my soul singing,
Hear the tones in my pleading,
Without you there is no breathing,
Cause my lungs are BLEEDING,
Is this what it feels like,
When your hand and eyes are SCREAMING!?

I’ve reached my low,
I want to let it all go,
I want to say no,
I want show you my glow,
....
    BUT NO!

I get caught up in this ****,
And even further I seem to dig,
Like being six feet UNDER,
I’m not like the OTHERS,

Sorry means sorry in my book,
Unless they give you a look,
Or it was something they took,
Like a ******* CROOK,
...
So please,

Just let it all go,
Don’t let it show,
Just let it go,
Cause I know you know I reached my low.

-July 14th 2013