Every time I awake from slumber,
I glance around my room,
Expecting to see you here.

I sleep with my door unlocked.
*You know this.

Sleep is for the weak.
But I must be weak.

******* this red *****.
It won't stop beating.
Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick.
STOP!

I take a deep breath which isn't so deep and isn't much of a breath...



Tick.

******

Accidentally, Something.

I know that when I search hardest, it's impossible to find the words to describe my experience with you.

I often end up using unintelligible words, such as God, ****, oh, wow, or simply smiling so hard I can't speak.

I'm grateful that we live at the same time, we could have been years, decades, or lifetimes apart.

But here we are, perfect in the moments that we have, embracing each other as we are, and using each others strengths and weaknesses to compensate for our own.

We are so powerful as people.

You and me.
We are strength.

Don’t make permanent decisions
            Based on temporary emotions.

Wise words for a human.




I live by a creed:

Do unto others as you would like done unto you,
What goes around comes around,
Always tell your loved ones that you do, indeed, love them every time you say goodbye,
        For you may never see them again,
Hate and be hated,
Think good thoughts;
        Good things happen.
*
My life is safe. Things are well. But I am afraid of the dark,
            It always seems to engulf the light.

Hey,
I know what you’ll say,
But I wanna say,
What I need to say,

Hey,
Every day,
I sit and pray,
You won’t go away,

Like she did that day,
So please just stay,

I never want to lose you so,
I never want to say goodbye,
I never want to see you go,
I never wanna hear there’s some other guy,

You and I are akin to lovers,
One could say we are, akin to each other,
Please know I will never love her,
So please don’t tell me, you're with another,

I want you to myself,
I want to be so selfish,
I need you to myself,
I need you to myself,

I need your hand in mine,
Lips against mine,
Love in sight,
And if you let me,
    I just might...

So never let me hear you say,
What you don’t want to say,
Never let me iterate,
What was said that day.

-June 20th 2013

Eternally watching,
Always writing, noting,
Never speaking,
Never gloating.

I see you there,
All many of you,
I see you continuing,
Through and through.

Mine eyes are tools,
Tools of trade,
They help me work, love, and breath,
Find my way.

And match it to yours.

I want her to kiss me as she would a lover,
And love my body as she would a lover,
And hold me as she would a lover.
And call me "Lover,"
And drape herself over me,
And examine me from inches away.

I want her to look into my irises and say
                 "You have a triangle speck of your deep brown which pierces your pupil,"
And I will kiss the tip of her nose say
                 "You are the first to notice. I love you."
And she will smile and we will embrace and give in.

We would not be lovers, just.
People who make passionate body connections and care for the other.

I cannot love.

It's always my pain which makes me cry.
But tonight it's yours.

Pulse.



                                Pulse.
                        Pulse.

The urge is back.



                    To bleed.

Yesterday,
On the patio of that coffee joint,
I saw a girl with your timber hair,
I stopped,
    I stared,
        I studied.
But it was not you,
    Thank God.

My friends saw me staring,
Two knew why.
One asked,
    “What is the story of you two?”
I told him,
    I traced back,
        I tightened up.
I cursed a lot,
    I gave the truth of it all.

We have a long story.
I wonder if it’s as long for you.

And having her look away.

Mediocre dreams,
Okay sleep,
Alright day,
And all that follow.

No blessings.

Strings his bow,
Checks his quiver.

And puts both down.
*No blood this time.

Such small arms you had
And how
Tight that sweater held you .
How
Tight
I held you,
Knowing how temporary
These moments are.

How peaceful your soft
Hair was in my face as we
Read and solved children's books.
Laughing and pointing.
Kissing.

I will never forget.

Tonight,
“Goodnight” followed with love.
     In my head at least.

I can't capture these emotions with words.

It's wonderful.
You finally respond.
You smile and things are normal again.
I don't have to wait anymore.
You don't hate me.
I exist.
You do too.

And then I wake up.

Golem, gatekeeper
He played some riddles for me,
I've sat and pondered for weeks.
Finally am answer came to thought
Through my chaotic mind,
Through wretched things I brought,
He let me in.

The treasure within,
Beyond any concept previous;
My Holy Grail
With wine to sip
And God to feel.
I'm glad I didn't fail.

I know you said it was over,
I know I said I agreed,
I know you walked away,
I was content,
For the time being

But for some reason,
It is you I keep seeing,

I can’t shake this feeling.

The sky is Velvet.
How velvet blue it flows and sings to me the darkness and screaming of the night. It's softens and dampens
The Echoes echolocating and where I am in this world.
On the other side of the sun I hide in his shadow God his shadow still finds me though.
I'm not hiding in his shade, I am bathing in it. These days have become too much to bear, and **** is his shadow nice, his velvet blue shadow. But there's more to this than that,
How high the sky, how soft the air, how hard the ground is on my bare feet as I bruise and bash them against the ground in my constant wandering.

This Velvet Sky, a soft Silk Tie,
Around my neck it holds me tonight,
Tightening this white shirt to my chest,
This Shadow holds me.

Open my vein for these masses
Cover and shower them with my red blood
They love it.
They love my pain.

Hundreds of cheering faces,
Jumping and yelling and dancing and hugging,
Drenched in my blood.
Lambs to the slaughter
Romans to the coliseum,
Gladiators and lions and sand and blood.

Always more blood.
Suckers for more blood.

Now that I think of it,
There are things in my chest
I don't let out,
Things trapped behind iron bars
And locked coffers
Things I never want to show,

This is a prison
Trapped in my head games,
Games I play every day.
Praying that every day is a day-
With you.
Not one more day alone.
I wish you knew.

Every cigarette I breathe,
I breathe you.
Every burning breath that I take
Is one that I take with you next to me.

Desperate landscape,
Every road is further
Than the furthest I've been from before-
Ohio is worn, I'm done being torn.

My mind's made up.
Every possibility has been considered,
I know what I choose from here,
And I don't know if it's something you want to hear.

I still choose you.
I choose time and painful nights.
I choose the time apart,
All the hard parts.

Shocking how alluring the French can be,
It seems like with each thought I think of that wonderful face of yours,
It gets slightly harder to breathe,
And it’s slightly easier to begin to see what I’m going for,

Lying here it seems like with every hour I think of what may,
The air is slightly thinner than before,
My heart beats, giant smiles and my soul flares say,
That this is something strong, though I don’t know for sure.

You say you’ve never been in love,
Let me tell you, it’s a lot of fun,
And even when it’s said and done,
That smile is hard to get rid of,

And I don’t know where this is going,
But I know a side of me is showing,
When we talk I stop loathing,
Cause there’s something to you I want you to show me.

Those roads that lead from here,
I want them.
I want the stories in their cracks and the sand within their grooves.

I want the
Click
Clack
Click
Clack
Of shoes against their grain.

I want the drops of oil
And smell of winter when it comes.

I want to leave.

Sweat,
By god you make me burn,
The fire lit, the charcoal glowing
I feel it once more
I'm functioning
This furnace burns
Bright as day.

She takes her coffee black.
I cringe.
For what she lacks
In taste-buds,
I make up for in love.

And yes I get jealous,
But what did you expect.
I want your kiss, your touch,
I want every single one.
Okay, I love you,
I really didn't want to,
But I do.
And I don't know what to do.

I am a monogamous animal.
I want only one lover to be with.
And I want from you to feel the same way.

Receiving me with welcoming,
A vice versa from my side.
I didn’t think of all the things,
It would be you I’d find;
A blessing for my night.

I see my nails scratch my wrist bare,
Exposing my veins and arteries,
My skin peels back, splits open.

I see nothing abnormal.

Gotta let your​ senses overwhelm you
Gotta feed on carnal feeling,
Let those open wounds breathe through
Embrace the skin's red bleeding.

Feel love's cold sting singing
Feel Spring's flower's leaving
Even the smile that she's leaving.
The changing of the seasons.

Breathe in
Breathe out
Let pollen and dust into your ash and tar,
Look up at night, appreciate the stars.

And reach out
Far.
Farrer than far,
The space out there feels no spring,
It thinks our Earth is so bizarre,
The loving of these seasons.
The loving of these feelings
These bleedings
These breathings.

Pull it into our tar,
Pull the stars and farther,
Let the star stuff bleed you.
Let your human see through
Breathe through to glitter dust.
Pull similes to us,
Filter out the rest.

The space out there feels no love
No cove of blood and gut,
And could we teach it, yes,
But.

Let us breathe it first.

I'm in a higher league, apparently,
She wouldn't even talk to me.
I scared her.

I just wanted to kiss.

Cry me a river,
Build a bridge,
Tie a cinder block to your legs,
Throw it off that bridge,
And drown in your sorrow.

Thinking back to the lies you told me,
Your name hurts to even read,


I want to shatter that jar,
I want to see how far,
    This torment will go,


I want to burn out the sun,
I want to set free some,
Of my demons,


Let him die!
Let you die!
LET GO
Drown in the past!
It won’t last!
JUST GO


Replaying that time you used me,
Hurt to the point I couldn’t see,


Do you remember,
I didn’t surrender,
    Never quit,


The things we said,
The words we meant,
    Were nothing,
    To you.

-May 27th 2013

“I want to build a life you,”* she told me,
“I want to wake up to your face.”

“Home is with you,” I confided,
*“No matter what place.”

Regret,
Is all I feel,
Forget,
What is real,

Just let it all go,
Just let go-o,
Just so you know,
I reached my lo-ow,

Cause you’re my everything,
Please hear my soul singing,
Hear the tones in my pleading,
Without you there is no breathing,
Cause my lungs are BLEEDING,
Is this what it feels like,
When your hand and eyes are SCREAMING!?

I’ve reached my low,
I want to let it all go,
I want to say no,
I want show you my glow,
....
    BUT NO!

I get caught up in this ****,
And even further I seem to dig,
Like being six feet UNDER,
I’m not like the OTHERS,

Sorry means sorry in my book,
Unless they give you a look,
Or it was something they took,
Like a ******* CROOK,
...
So please,

Just let it all go,
Don’t let it show,
Just let it go,
Cause I know you know I reached my low.

-July 14th 2013

Lights of red and blue,
Halt the beat,
Unplug the amps,
Have a little more fun,
Before the night is done.
I want to smile,
But it feels kinda,
Empty I guess,
My lips are longing,
    For a reason to crescent.
    And maybe a little more.
Want you here with me,
Want to spend the summer,
Want to sit around a fire,
And live a little with you,

I want to step forward,
Not look back,

I want to be with you,
Only you,

Your blue flame alone,
Can light my fire,

Light a fire,
Live a little.

-June 2nd 2013

I drew a heart on paper because
**** you can make it beat.
Really, you terrify me.

Eos was the titan of the dawn,
And that's where I am now,
Here at the beginning of my life,
Entering a healthier state,
Relying on myself.

The days are long in this summer hell,
Outside it burns like sulfur,
Never
Pleasing those who love the
Engulfing darkness.

Remember that I write to please myself
Because I don't care about the masses, I
Care
About
Us.

Silly
Excuses.

You gave me a lot of memories to forget.

But I really think I am.

I saw her eyes echo it,
The sunset on the ocean.
I saw the length of her whole being,
I saw the effort in her motion.

We saw that sliver of red light,
Sitting on the rainbow ocean.
I saw your silhouette,
Against the painting of emotion.

Two frostbitten eyes at the end of my summer time,
They are not cold,
But I remember a time when they were far warmer.

Forever blue, but always selfless,
Never empty, but sometimes they bleed
me.

Her two frostbitten eyes were all I saw,
And they did freeze.

All my shirts have bloodstains,
I don’t suppose that’s good.
At night I’d never kneel and pray,
But I applaud people who do.

To write nowdays takes effort,
An effort I don’t have.
Nothing in my life romanticizes,
My pen goes through collapse.

It’s rare for me to produce a thing,
For things require production.
I will sit and stare and waste my days,
I fret over my diction.

My poems are fading.
My life is not.

My hands start to clench
Fingernails dig into my skin or the skin of a book
And breath goes short.
Thoughts of
Then.
Why couldn’t we stay apart.

Sometimes,
When I'm beginning to drift to sleep,
Sitting or laying with my blindfold on,
I smile.
It's not a weak smile.

My brain thinks of the happiest moments of my life, and some of them are with you.
Always you when I'm sleeping.

I'm worried they'll see me smile.

I check for hours to see if you responded.

A suit of colored feather
Flamingo toucan tux
I wear my joy
For all to see,

Upon my skin
Rests dozens
Of hundreds
Of emotion.

My blue wings,
Confetti color paper,
Scribble the sorrow
In Crayola,

And I sign my name
In red,
So red macaw
This piercing beak pen
Out and out and out again,
Writing my name in red.

My dozens, my hundreds,
My span of feather,
Has meant to me
My dozens, my hundreds,
My life of emotion,

So **** your feathers,
Raise your pointed head,
Let scream these colors
And wear them so properly again,
Stand here today
To let them see
This unspoken part of pain.