Every single day.
Every single day I want to reach into my pocket.
Find your name.
And fix everything.

I want to tell you I love you.
You were my best friend.
I want you.
I didn’t have ***.
I don’t care that you did.
I care about you.
I love you.
I will always be in love with you.
We made promises.
I want to say anything and everything.
I want to go to your house, hundreds of miles away,
And knock on the door.

Nothing I can do will fix anything but,
CHRIST.
I think about you.

I still have that lovely morning photo.
You’re perfect.
My brain makes my eyes see you everywhere.

I wish it wasn’t wrong.

Take me high-
So high up with your powder wings
Angel of dust and up,
Let me drink from your cup.

Show me the world from your height,
Intoxicate me with your wine,
And poison me with your poisons.
I love it.

Every time I fly alone,
I miss you most.
Always on the top of my tongue and
The front of my thoughts,
Always the first on mind
And first I speak.

Ask them,
Those around me,
I can't shut up about you.
I take Cristian mythology and apply every
Hyperbole and analogy withing those books
And weave it into your holiness,
Your true light.

You possess a place more pure than Eden
Within me,
And a heart more red that the fruit we indulge,
I could get lost inside of you,
I would love to get lost inside of you
Every night.

Studying your doctrines,
Learning your covenants with my finger
Across the pages,
Running my eyes, face and hands all over your tomes,
Breaking down and reassembling your information.
Study you devoutly,
Every day and every night to dedicate to worship
Through practice and through study.

You are a testament to man's virtue
And a testament to his ability to wait.
You are St. John's gift upon me,
The land behind his gates,
My Zion of knowledge and joy.

I will count my blessings,
And take it for what it is.
I love you.
I love what you've done​ for my life,
Unintentionally, too.
You've made faithful this secular man now monk,

I believe in you,
And light of the sun every morning.
The taste of my coffee, roasted every day,
My carcinogin cigarettes,
Your sweet kisses, teasing,
And the drugs I take regularly.

You've made the mundane magnificent,
And I thank you,
God, thank you.
I will never under appreciate what you've given.
My God,
My Gaia.

I only imagine
In shapes and calculations
And measurable values
When I am healthy.

The system starts failing
When I start to idealize
The lack of numbers
The lack of words
And the lack of progress.

An optimistic brain can be more dangerous than the cynic.

I have handed you a bullet.
I have handed you a revolver.
Load it,
                             **** it,
And pull it.

This new study says
That therapods like
Tyranosaurus Rex
Made hissing,
Booming sounds
Like cassowaries
And emus.

They are right
As I see it.

They were not monsters.
Only pre-birds.

All these nights I’ve waited,
All these nights I’ve pleased,
All these nights I’ve taken,
All these nights I plead,

She said it, She filled my heart filled with joy,
She said it, She knows how to please this boy
And every second since then,
Another craving there’s been,

She said it, She said the three words,
She said it, She shook up my world,
And every heartbeat since then,
Another feeling there’s been,

The ache is gone,
Writing this song,
To my only sweet fawn,
I know I’m no pawn,

She said it, She took the pulsing away,
She said it, She made worth these days,
And every breath since then,
Another smile there’s been,

You can say it again,
Go ahead, don’t be scared,
Remind me when,
The time, you declared,

She said it, She said ‘I love you,’
She said it, I knew it was true,
And every heartbeat since then,
Sweet rapture it’s been.

-June 17th 2013

I've learned to let go
Something about chronic
Spiders
And ants and bees
CRAWLING
All over me,
      It's made me care less.

You can fight all these pests,
And when your mind is frying on DPH
Or LSD or DXM,
You really have no desire to,
You don't have a choice.

You let the flies be flies
And the snakes be snakes.

We are powerless, I have learned.
I'm glad I've gone passive.

The eye,
Large as life,
    up close,
        immediate,
            expanding,
Fibers of green, hazel, brown,
Stretched from the dilated pupil.

It was there,
Above me,
    stalking,
        watching,
            reminding,
My bad omen was above me,
And it burned with intensity.

The eye,
Mark of pain,
    screaming,
        midnight,
            sorrow,
Never again will I see that eye,
Never again will I hold close.

-June 8th 2013

Reevaluations Don't

I know your wings are made of ash,
I know what we've become.
And if there was one thing I could take back,
It would be that night of love.

I know we said forever,
I know we wrote it down,
And if I was a little more clever,
Maybe I could drown that out.

But I'm not.
Never will be.
Loves gives you a lot,
Then steals it all and leaves.

Except for the flame that stays burning.
That's how your wings turned black.
Your heart was constantly turning,
And you ended up going back.

I could write ten essays,
I could write ten thousand,
But not a single one,
Not ten thousand,

Could tell you,
How much I care,
Could describe,
How far I’ll dare,

To hold your hand,
Take the lead,
Live with you here,
Hear you sing,

You’re perfect,
Beau, I love you,
I’d fight back God Himself,
If I had to,

I’d write an opera,
Sail an ocean,
Slay all dragons,
For your motion,

I’d build a castle,
If you’d be my queen,
I’d conquer all others,
For the warmth you bring.

I love you, Beau.

-July 7th 2013

I can feel it,
Muscles pulling at my mouth,
My smile is lit,
I have my old mouth,
It smiles, it jokes, it breathes,
I am back,
Revenged my thieves,
Found their shack,
And killed them,
Strangled their necks,
Drained them,
Now I know what’s next,
To win back what was mine,
I’m not fearful to walk this line.

-May 1st 2013

I need some kind of relief,
I need some kind of assurance.

I need to know that my blood will halt,
I need to know that my breathing won’t.

I need somebody,
I need you.

She said she'd break my heart.
I think it will be the other way around.

My teeth are red, and white
So crimson is my blood upon them
Like roses upon snow.

One million for you,
Double it, triple,
One million one,
And a million more,
All. For. You.
Every shred,
Every piece,
Grows stronger.
Steal them all,
Leave me none,
It will start,
    Anew,
    For you.

Split.
Like a fork in a tree.
The path diverged.
Infinite.

And then he woke up.
And the world was white,
Not with snow,
but purity.

Oh wait. That’s just her.
I should stop staring.

I like to go to hell sometimes
And take a look around.
I like to see the suffering
And watch blood fall on ground.

I like to look at my old scars
And see the cuts I've made.
I like to reminisce so deep
That I can feel the pain.

I like to sit and stare at space
And count all my regrets.
I like to see if I can catch
All of the worst events.

I like to say the names of ones
Whom I desire the most.
I like to think that they are here
And haunt me like a ghost.

I like to miss their sweet smiles
Because they moved away.
But most I like to make regrets
And mourn them every day.

It's me, that moon and my heartbeat.
We're alone down here with nothing but
Fear and Want.

Fear that our mark will not last
Fear that what we learn next will end it
Fear that one of us three will change.

Want of a life that's better
Want of a woman with lightning eyes
Want of a life without fear.

You never left in mind, only
Body .

Shoddy job,
Too.

One minute there,
Next minute gone.

Gone
For minutes long.

The days.
The daze.

The haze in this valley
Couldn't hide the moon,
Only amplify it.

Just like you.

It always catches me off guard.
That first strum in the saddest song I've ever heard.
The first song she played for me.
The anthem of our time together.

Sometimes I wish you didn't sing it for me,
Cause now I'm hooked on a new kind of melancholy.

You can hear his heart break when he finishes the stanzas.
You can hear the pent up tears,
And the dried ones.
You can hear that those are the memories he's trying so hard to forget,
But they mean everything to him.

He's hoping that time goes on after she's gone,
And hoping that he won't give into old habits.

He's hoping he's okay.

How can I yell, how can I scream
“Don’t forget me,”
When I try so desperately to...
To **** you.

My brain is a corpse,
Completely torn,
Ignore my core,
Open the doors,
Don’t breathe,
Leave me.

Drown in that repetitive sea.
You don’t see,
So bleed.

-May 28th 2013

Roasting sticks in this sun,
Roasting my lungs and skin
My God sun warms me,
Inside and out.

I hope that when the sun sets at night,

That maybe you’ll think of me,

And when your eyes seem to ignite,

You can maybe see

    That,

    I... Uh,

    Well,

    I love you.


I know I say it, Please know I mean it,

‘Cause every minute I think it.

I know you’ve seen it, Believe it,

‘Cause every breath I take I breathe it.

-July 17th 2013

As one branch forks
Into two branches,
Thoughts do the same.

Fractals of existence,
Permanently deepening
The roots of experimenting.

Always thinking,
Always solving
And resolving.

The gray in my brain
Is really just a busy
Head
Of
Cauliflower.

A snake can squirm all he wants, but he will never be freed until he strikes.

As it was four months ago,
Hello.
I am right here,
in the same seat,
with the same drink
and the same-                                              think.
much has changed except my love,
but even that sits stasis,
not moving places,
Fake it.
I'd love to, really,
but I can't,
I love her.
I love her too.
And every day that I look into a mirror,
I want to cover my hand with scars of broken-




**Glass

My own body doesn't tick,
My virus spread,
It's like I'm sick,
Surprise I'm not dead.

I can't take another pill,
I've had my fill.

WHAT DID I DO?
WHAT DID I DO?
I DON'T DESERVE THIS.
What did I do, I didn't hurt anyone, steal anything. I committed no sins.
For what am I being punished.

I don't understand.

Let me hear you speak your 'Yea's,
Not just see you type them.

Thank you,
Your heart is so kind,
Forgiving,

You are warmth.
You are joy.

And for that moment, those fleeting measurements of time, He was where He wanted to be.

Dug deep I digged this dirt and dragged down dark dermal tissue,
Diamonds in the rough.
Picked and plucked I perused polished pieces of painful porcelain, piercing pockets in my peripheral parts, precious pearls and petals I peeked and pounced.

Bleeding black blood from bored brackets in body's bursting bark,
I grasped golden, gleaming glory. Gazing greedily like I'd gotten God by his good gourd,
I let needles nick nocks into niche nooks and night nothings knap nooses around my neck, my needle in the haystack.

My night, my might, my one of a kind,
My Kim.

The only true reflections come from the mouths of those who love you.

Wake up to smell the ashes,
Step outside and die.
You can't see the gashes
I hide on the inside.

Paint on a smile and run,
Run with the hoards of sheep.
But even their collective sum
Won't put our minds to sleep.

We fake being happy,
We have to or we cry.
But we would accept death gladly,
To wake up and just, *die.

Like a lump in my throat,
I wanted to say I love you,
I said that goodbye,
And felt my legs ache,
Say it.

"Listen to her read poems in French."

Is this too specific?
I simply want to hear her voice.

Resting my head on your lap was magic,
Listening to all your syllables
And silent letters.
Watching your lips
So carefully as you tongued
The notes of a forgotten poem.
You turned words that I can read into
The song of a choir
And the language of romance,
I could hear Camus and Descartes
In your voice,
I could hear the timbre of your tongue
Embody the tortured author's pleas.

I could hear your voice
And watch you make art
With lips so red from kissing.
And I fell in love with it.

"Listen to her read poems in French."
Has been amended to
"Listen to her speak."

Why doesn't she love mine?

If I had it my way,
You’d be the topic of the day.

Your light would be omnipresent,
Kinda like heaven.

Lying naked on the bathroom floor,
It's three a.m.,
I don't know what I was searching for,
Maybe just to see you again.

I know that when I saw you, it was bliss,
God I knew that we would get along,
I knew that this was finally it, but I guess,
I guess I knew wrong.

Cosmoline
And steel.
Finely tuned,
Blued and forged.
This rifle works
A perfect machine.
Designed to pierce and ****
It does it job.

One cartridge
7.62x54R.
Loaded,
The bolt clicking firmly
In its place.
I smell this machine;
Gunshot residue.

I feel this weather stock,
Fraying and polished.
It feels soft in my strong grip.
I squeeze this death.

I rest it firmly against my forehead.
My heart pounds
And I breathe deep breaths.
Adrenaline.
Exhale.
I'm gone.

Bloodshot** eyes and hurried words,
Keeping me awake,
But that sleep was peace,
Completely liberated,
Closure.

-May 30th 2013

If you walk through a forest, you leave footprints.
And the footprints you left is one ****** nail print,
Several long blonde hairs,
And a circulating memory.

Circulating strands,
Your passionate scratches,
That embrace.

Why didn't this happen sooner.

You make me bleed
When I can't hear you speak.
You make me cry
When you don't lie.
You make me ache
When your intentions aren't fake.

Don't get my hopes up.
Then shoot me.

You said I was the best.
You said I was perfect.

Euphoria eludes descriptions.
I am uplifted, I laugh and smile and almost yell joy,
And no one knows why.
The only clue:
A box full of rocks in my room
And the ten dark marks near my neck.
I love them.
I love.

I got some tasty tea today
All the way up North,
My Humma Connie brought me it,
And that has no worth.

My librarian.
So calculated
Controlled
Controlling
Similar.
She's decided.
I'm decided.

Synched.

Blended my brain and my eyes roll back and see red
Purple every night to escape my head
It's death.

Intoxicating these toxic thoughts escapes them
I'm trapped and hated
And I can't make it.

I close my eyes and I see her or a barrel
And it's terrible.

The solution to my life
Is to accept it as my vice
And accept that I'm not fine.

I am arms and I grasp
And they can't accept that
I'm crass
And my thoughts are black
I can't
Make up for the lack
Of passion
Society hasn't.