Regret,
Is all I feel,
Forget,
What is real,

Just let it all go,
Just let go-o,
Just so you know,
I reached my lo-ow,

Cause you’re my everything,
Please hear my soul singing,
Hear the tones in my pleading,
Without you there is no breathing,
Cause my lungs are BLEEDING,
Is this what it feels like,
When your hand and eyes are SCREAMING!?

I’ve reached my low,
I want to let it all go,
I want to say no,
I want show you my glow,
....
    BUT NO!

I get caught up in this ****,
And even further I seem to dig,
Like being six feet UNDER,
I’m not like the OTHERS,

Sorry means sorry in my book,
Unless they give you a look,
Or it was something they took,
Like a ******* CROOK,
...
So please,

Just let it all go,
Don’t let it show,
Just let it go,
Cause I know you know I reached my low.

-July 14th 2013

I can feel it,
Muscles pulling at my mouth,
My smile is lit,
I have my old mouth,
It smiles, it jokes, it breathes,
I am back,
Revenged my thieves,
Found their shack,
And killed them,
Strangled their necks,
Drained them,
Now I know what’s next,
To win back what was mine,
I’m not fearful to walk this line.

-May 1st 2013

Those roads that lead from here,
I want them.
I want the stories in their cracks and the sand within their grooves.

I want the
Click
Clack
Click
Clack
Of shoes against their grain.

I want the drops of oil
And smell of winter when it comes.

I want to leave.

It always catches me off guard.
That first strum in the saddest song I've ever heard.
The first song she played for me.
The anthem of our time together.

Sometimes I wish you didn't sing it for me,
Cause now I'm hooked on a new kind of melancholy.

You can hear his heart break when he finishes the stanzas.
You can hear the pent up tears,
And the dried ones.
You can hear that those are the memories he's trying so hard to forget,
But they mean everything to him.

He's hoping that time goes on after she's gone,
And hoping that he won't give into old habits.

He's hoping he's okay.

My hands start to clench
Fingernails dig into my skin or the skin of a book
And breath goes short.
Thoughts of
Then.
Why couldn’t we stay apart.

Lights of red and blue,
Halt the beat,
Unplug the amps,
Have a little more fun,
Before the night is done.
I want to smile,
But it feels kinda,
Empty I guess,
My lips are longing,
    For a reason to crescent.
    And maybe a little more.
Want you here with me,
Want to spend the summer,
Want to sit around a fire,
And live a little with you,

I want to step forward,
Not look back,

I want to be with you,
Only you,

Your blue flame alone,
Can light my fire,

Light a fire,
Live a little.

-June 2nd 2013

“I want to build a life you,”* she told me,
“I want to wake up to your face.”

“Home is with you,” I confided,
*“No matter what place.”

Dug deep I digged this dirt and dragged down dark dermal tissue,
Diamonds in the rough.
Picked and plucked I perused polished pieces of painful porcelain, piercing pockets in my peripheral parts, precious pearls and petals I peeked and pounced.

Bleeding black blood from bored brackets in body's bursting bark,
I grasped golden, gleaming glory. Gazing greedily like I'd gotten God by his good gourd,
I let needles nick nocks into niche nooks and night nothings knap nooses around my neck, my needle in the haystack.

My night, my might, my one of a kind,
My Kim.

A snake can squirm all he wants, but he will never be freed until he strikes.

Receiving me with welcoming,
A vice versa from my side.
I didn’t think of all the things,
It would be you I’d find;
A blessing for my night.

Roasting sticks in this sun,
Roasting my lungs and skin
My God sun warms me,
Inside and out.

I know your wings are made of ash,
I know what we've become.
And if there was one thing I could take back,
It would be that night of love.

I know we said forever,
I know we wrote it down,
And if I was a little more clever,
Maybe I could drown that out.

But I'm not.
Never will be.
Loves gives you a lot,
Then steals it all and leaves.

Except for the flame that stays burning.
That's how your wings turned black.
Your heart was constantly turning,
And you ended up going back.

Thinking back to the lies you told me,
Your name hurts to even read,


I want to shatter that jar,
I want to see how far,
    This torment will go,


I want to burn out the sun,
I want to set free some,
Of my demons,


Let him die!
Let you die!
LET GO
Drown in the past!
It won’t last!
JUST GO


Replaying that time you used me,
Hurt to the point I couldn’t see,


Do you remember,
I didn’t surrender,
    Never quit,


The things we said,
The words we meant,
    Were nothing,
    To you.

-May 27th 2013

Cosmoline
And steel.
Finely tuned,
Blued and forged.
This rifle works
A perfect machine.
Designed to pierce and ****
It does it job.

One cartridge
7.62x54R.
Loaded,
The bolt clicking firmly
In its place.
I smell this machine;
Gunshot residue.

I feel this weather stock,
Fraying and polished.
It feels soft in my strong grip.
I squeeze this death.

I rest it firmly against my forehead.
My heart pounds
And I breathe deep breaths.
Adrenaline.
Exhale.
I'm gone.

I saw her eyes echo it,
The sunset on the ocean.
I saw the length of her whole being,
I saw the effort in her motion.

We saw that sliver of red light,
Sitting on the rainbow ocean.
I saw your silhouette,
Against the painting of emotion.

You gave me a lot of memories to forget.

I drew a heart on paper because
**** you can make it beat.
Really, you terrify me.

Eos was the titan of the dawn,
And that's where I am now,
Here at the beginning of my life,
Entering a healthier state,
Relying on myself.

The days are long in this summer hell,
Outside it burns like sulfur,
Never
Pleasing those who love the
Engulfing darkness.

Remember that I write to please myself
Because I don't care about the masses, I
Care
About
Us.

Silly
Excuses.

Every single day.
Every single day I want to reach into my pocket.
Find your name.
And fix everything.

I want to tell you I love you.
You were my best friend.
I want you.
I didn’t have ***.
I don’t care that you did.
I care about you.
I love you.
I will always be in love with you.
We made promises.
I want to say anything and everything.
I want to go to your house, hundreds of miles away,
And knock on the door.

Nothing I can do will fix anything but,
CHRIST.
I think about you.

I still have that lovely morning photo.
You’re perfect.
My brain makes my eyes see you everywhere.

I wish it wasn’t wrong.

I miss you
Like leopards miss trees.
Like plants miss light.
Like babies miss mothers.
Like I miss you.

I'm not even poetic about it.
It's blatant;
     It didn't have to be this way.

I started to describe you to my friends
As a gravity well
A black hole
Vantablack.

You take EVERYTHING and give nothing in return,
You became an anomaly,
You were my sun,
Then one day your
Gravity became too large,
And you became that... Thing.
Taker.

The way you treat people is unacceptable,
And this is coming from a nihilist.

You are not a bad person,
You started to become one.

I need some kind of relief,
I need some kind of assurance.

I need to know that my blood will halt,
I need to know that my breathing won’t.

I need somebody,
I need you.

Two frostbitten eyes at the end of my summer time,
They are not cold,
But I remember a time when they were far warmer.

Forever blue, but always selfless,
Never empty, but sometimes they bleed
me.

Her two frostbitten eyes were all I saw,
And they did freeze.

The only true reflections come from the mouths of those who love you.

Why doesn't she love mine?

A lesson in denial
This insanity blanket cover,
(()) mind in constant spiral
Ignoring (()) recover
Y.

Swallowing water,
((deepthroating it rather))
(()) drowning in fishes,
They wither, they splatter,
((They try to climb ladders))
((Dumb fish))
.

Relativity doesn't
Mean to much to (())
Sinister things
And sinister (())
.

(()) swallow coal and ash
And foals and moles,
Vore (()) and gore (())
No placety of safet
Y.

No sleep no eat
No (()) no sea,
Have a seat or two or three
Welcome to insanit
Y.

I like to go to hell sometimes
And take a look around.
I like to see the suffering
And watch blood fall on ground.

I like to look at my old scars
And see the cuts I've made.
I like to reminisce so deep
That I can feel the pain.

I like to sit and stare at space
And count all my regrets.
I like to see if I can catch
All of the worst events.

I like to say the names of ones
Whom I desire the most.
I like to think that they are here
And haunt me like a ghost.

I like to miss their sweet smiles
Because they moved away.
But most I like to make regrets
And mourn them every day.

All these nights I’ve waited,
All these nights I’ve pleased,
All these nights I’ve taken,
All these nights I plead,

She said it, She filled my heart filled with joy,
She said it, She knows how to please this boy
And every second since then,
Another craving there’s been,

She said it, She said the three words,
She said it, She shook up my world,
And every heartbeat since then,
Another feeling there’s been,

The ache is gone,
Writing this song,
To my only sweet fawn,
I know I’m no pawn,

She said it, She took the pulsing away,
She said it, She made worth these days,
And every breath since then,
Another smile there’s been,

You can say it again,
Go ahead, don’t be scared,
Remind me when,
The time, you declared,

She said it, She said ‘I love you,’
She said it, I knew it was true,
And every heartbeat since then,
Sweet rapture it’s been.

-June 17th 2013

I could write ten essays,
I could write ten thousand,
But not a single one,
Not ten thousand,

Could tell you,
How much I care,
Could describe,
How far I’ll dare,

To hold your hand,
Take the lead,
Live with you here,
Hear you sing,

You’re perfect,
Beau, I love you,
I’d fight back God Himself,
If I had to,

I’d write an opera,
Sail an ocean,
Slay all dragons,
For your motion,

I’d build a castle,
If you’d be my queen,
I’d conquer all others,
For the warmth you bring.

I love you, Beau.

-July 7th 2013

Drip
     Drip
       Drip
ThisDemon comes for me.

Dragging his Demon feet,
     scrrrrrrrrrrtch-. scrrrrrrrrrrrtch.*
Moving so ever slower, creeping- *CRAWLING FOR ME.

//He's coming for me. I know it.//

A Paw so animal in nature, he's Here for ME.
one bad habit too far...

Lucifer is*
     *Coming

The eye,
Large as life,
    up close,
        immediate,
            expanding,
Fibers of green, hazel, brown,
Stretched from the dilated pupil.

It was there,
Above me,
    stalking,
        watching,
            reminding,
My bad omen was above me,
And it burned with intensity.

The eye,
Mark of pain,
    screaming,
        midnight,
            sorrow,
Never again will I see that eye,
Never again will I hold close.

-June 8th 2013

Reevaluations Don't

You said I was the best.
You said I was perfect.

You never left in mind, only
Body .

Shoddy job,
Too.

One minute there,
Next minute gone.

Gone
For minutes long.

The days.
The daze.

The haze in this valley
Couldn't hide the moon,
Only amplify it.

Just like you.

My librarian.
So calculated
Controlled
Controlling
Similar.
She's decided.
I'm decided.

Synched.

It's me, that moon and my heartbeat.
We're alone down here with nothing but
Fear and Want.

Fear that our mark will not last
Fear that what we learn next will end it
Fear that one of us three will change.

Want of a life that's better
Want of a woman with lightning eyes
Want of a life without fear.

Split.
Like a fork in a tree.
The path diverged.
Infinite.

Thank you,
Your heart is so kind,
Forgiving,

You are warmth.
You are joy.

Blended my brain and my eyes roll back and see red
Purple every night to escape my head
It's death.

Intoxicating these toxic thoughts escapes them
I'm trapped and hated
And I can't make it.

I close my eyes and I see her or a barrel
And it's terrible.

The solution to my life
Is to accept it as my vice
And accept that I'm not fine.

I am arms and I grasp
And they can't accept that
I'm crass
And my thoughts are black
I can't
Make up for the lack
Of passion
Society hasn't.

Little snowshoe hare
Leaving fresh tracks in the snow
Spring is on the way.

As it was four months ago,
Hello.
I am right here,
in the same seat,
with the same drink
and the same-                                              think.
much has changed except my love,
but even that sits stasis,
not moving places,
Fake it.
I'd love to, really,
but I can't,
I love her.
I love her too.
And every day that I look into a mirror,
I want to cover my hand with scars of broken-




**Glass

I put sunlight on my tongue.
It manifests inside of me,
Then explodes through my eyes.
I can see everything.

And then he woke up.
And the world was white,
Not with snow,
but purity.

Oh wait. That’s just her.
I should stop staring.

My own body doesn't tick,
My virus spread,
It's like I'm sick,
Surprise I'm not dead.

I can't take another pill,
I've had my fill.

Giant elephant god
There's no gods in this place,
I'm burnin' up,
Pachydermin' up
Water nymph in my face
I've got nothin' to say
'Gonna stay in my place
-And eat dirt-
It works,
The worms crystalize
Vitalicize
Italicize
They fertilize
These laughing nights I cry.

No elephant gods
No turtle worlds
It hurts for sure.

For magic there's not.

Knots in my stomach
I swallow blood clots
I can't swallow this.
There's no this no that
No cat in the hat
No magic
I'm ******.

So ****** in fact
I won't ride this
Anymore.
I'm confiding this
I'm not fighting this-
This is for you.
Not for you to use
Not for me to abuse
Simply for you to choose
To let me go.

I'm going to go.
Before the first snows,
Even my heart knows
I'm going to go.

There's no magic
Tragic.
No,
I'm going to go.

Wake up to smell the ashes,
Step outside and die.
You can't see the gashes
I hide on the inside.

Paint on a smile and run,
Run with the hoards of sheep.
But even their collective sum
Won't put our minds to sleep.

We fake being happy,
We have to or we cry.
But we would accept death gladly,
To wake up and just, *die.

You make me bleed
When I can't hear you speak.
You make me cry
When you don't lie.
You make me ache
When your intentions aren't fake.

Don't get my hopes up.
Then shoot me.

How can I yell, how can I scream
“Don’t forget me,”
When I try so desperately to...
To **** you.

My brain is a corpse,
Completely torn,
Ignore my core,
Open the doors,
Don’t breathe,
Leave me.

Drown in that repetitive sea.
You don’t see,
So bleed.

-May 28th 2013

Parchment, not paper,
Some endless sentence,
We never had a period,
We never had a stop.

This daily, peaking desire
To keep writing our story,
Start the next chapter,
Put ink and blood on fiber.

You're still with me in my dreams,
And my trips.
You're still in my heart.
I can't shut up about you
And all the good. Still.

I'm a damaged vinyl record,
Playing these same verses over
And over.
But honestly,
This was my favorite part of the song.

Let's play that song

WHAT DID I DO?
WHAT DID I DO?
I DON'T DESERVE THIS.
What did I do, I didn't hurt anyone, steal anything. I committed no sins.
For what am I being punished.

I don't understand.

{Voided}