Sick minded and evil spirited,
Material things I need them.
Cover up my insecureties and burn them.
Tell the one I never loved her.
Just kidding Tell her im dead without her.
Hollowed to the bone.
Lost and all alone.
Gave up family and friends.
For destiny.

When I walk I move in silence.
When I speak I talk in tongues.
I never liked the way I looked,
So I dyed my hair yellow.
I never felt confident talking to girls,
So I started belittling them.

I am forsaken by my own insecurities,
They exemplify in others.
Nobody in this world has made me feel loved,
Except for you my little sugar bug.

Help me find my way back home,
I have wondered down an unforsaken road.
I turned left when I should have gone right.
Ran out of gas in the desert.
Broke the tires in the mountains, and drove into a river.
Ever since I lost my car, I’ve been looking for a better one.

I always thought the ol’ reliable was exactly what she was,
Until I saw her drowning.
Immediately I saw all of our good times, the empty tanks and the flat tires.
Immediately I missed that car and sought after one just like her,
Unfortunately she was one of a kind.

I guess that’s the thing about life,
There is always something new,
To draw you away form what you already have.

Wake up,
Right foot infront of the left.
Water before the soap.
Coffee and a bagal.
This sounds a lot like my morning routine.
However, it seems more like an analogy.

Today marks the worst day yet.
All the toil anguish and fear,
led to this.
The first attempt.
Mother finding out.
Therapist finding out.
Roommates not knowing.
And dealing with it all.

It's hard when it all starts with a failed test.
being a failure and the demise that comes along with it.
the weight of the world crashing down.
all hope abandoned.
nothing left to give.

but then how do you bounce back from a day like this?
the word is out of the bag now.
Mom knows,
which means dad probably will know.
Which evidentally  means everybody will know.

And now I'm the crazy guy,
the one everybody can talk about in their private family gossip.
the one the therapist tells her husband about.
the one my mother cries about each night.

How do I respond to this?
how will tomorrow feel after this has happened.

Is an attempt a life changing experience?

I tried to brush it off,
but i also tried to brush off the other attempts.
this time somebody found out.

Hopefully this will be the start of recovery.

thank you

bringing light to the shade,
is as easy as bringing dark from the sun.

Isn't it funny how you can burn down your own house from the small ember of your last cigarette. How your forgetful toss of your most uncharming habit into the untrimmed brush of your houses surrounding can ruin everything. Your careless toss of the twice puffed cigarette banished in disgust and hopes of renewal and yet your world comes brutally and disgustingly crashing down. It makes you wonder if it's ever truly worth quiting our flawed vices. perhaps our caous and addictions are more us than we think they are and without them we will burn down our entire house

Motivate yourself.
How?
Try something new.
Tried it, doesn’t work.
Okay… try something else.
But I’ve already tried so much.
Well then **** it, give up.
Okay now youre being irrational.
Well youre the one who started it.
Im just tired okay!
What are you tired of?
Everything, ******.
Tell me.
You, and me, and him and her.
Okay.
And the ugliness
And the parents who lie.
And the presents who don’t care
And the parents who don’t know their own ****** child.
The parents who cant take the time of day to ask how you are.
How their demented ****** up kid is.
To ask, are you okay?
Did you put the blade to your wrist today?
Oh, you had a job interview?
With who? How did it go?

No, its okay mom.  Focus on yourself.
Its okay dad, I never wanted a father anyway.
Its okay sister, stay in school.
Just don’t cry when I leave.

I woke up this morning and you made your presence known, immediately
I knew you would be here and you were
although i must say you were offaly rude today
usually you're subtle until I'm vulnerable and in bed
today you made yourself know
today you were here
present
with me
on me
everywhere

Feed me feed me.
I need to eat.
Feed me feed me.
I cannot sleep.
Feed me feed me.
That’s all you say.
Feed me feed me.
I don’t go away.

Dear lord,

If you are reading this, take me with you. Im tired of it here. The loss, the pain. The friends I dont relate to. The people who lie. The expectations I dont meet. The love I dont give. The pain I wake up with in my chest every day. The reason I have to pray in the morning just to get me out of bed. Im tired of it lord and I wish Id just bleed out. The bed makes for a good last peace. A padded womb of my exit, lord. Please. Take me with you.

Thank you,
Jack Tierney

Finishing is so hard
Why is finishing so hard

I can start
And I can continue
But repeatably I cannot finish

What is within me that makes finishing so hard

Perhaps I'm scared
Perhaps I don't know how to finish

Perhaps I wasn't born to finish
Only to start

To start unnecessary and uncertain Projects
In my life
But never to finish

To never finish a **** thing until the thing of life finishes upon me

Finish something once in your life
Finish so you can know what being done is

Finish something on your own
Finish on your own terms
Finish because you want to
Finish because you need to

For Christ sake
Just finish something

i cut myself open, so that you can see me bleed
i cut myself open, so that you can see you're all i need.
When i cut myself open, i always wonder why
When i cut myself open, i never want to cry.
I cut myself open, to see that I'm in tune
I cut myself open, soon I will be immune.
When i cut myself open, I hope you'll see
When i cut myself open, that you're all i need.

For you.
Smell the flowers, watch the sun.
Listen to music, go for a run.
Drive slowly, walk slower
Take your time, no need to rush.
Today we will take it easy.
One breath at a time.
Today there will be no reason, certainly no rhyme.
Today comes as tomorrow went.
Let it be easy, the way the sea comes and goes.
Today is the new day, today is the good day.
Smell the flowers, smell the rain, recognize that today, is a good day

Hey.
Hey.
Do you have a pencil?
Yeah.
Thank you!
No problem ☺
And they lived happily ever after

Home is where the heart is
Home is where the pain is
Home is where you learned,
How to walk
To ride a bike
To drink
To cuss
To hurt
And to love

Home taught you what tolerance Is
Home taught you not everyone is perfect
Home taught you that you're never really at home,
Until you make yourself home

Home is another word for love
Love doesn't always workout
And sometimes being home,
Is like the worst love story ever
Sometimes the love story turns into a horror
And the bridegroom on the edge of the balcony
Wishing to jump off
Hoping to jump,
Into someone's arms
Someone who can save them
From this Broken home

Come to me please!
I’m shouting and screaming!
I need you! I need You!
Please won’t you please?
I need you more i need You more
Than ever before.
I’m broken into thirty pieces,
And then into thirty more.

Instagram made me realize just how many fish there are in the sea
You always hear the saying but never believe it's truth within the heat of the moment. The question is, is this good or is this bad?
When you realize just how many beautiful people there it assures you, for a moment at least. That mr right or mrs right is out there and my are they beautiful. I see her now perfect from her lips to her nips. From her hair to the way she promptly sits in her chair. But something else happens, it shoots at your own ego and kills your self assurance. You start to think well maybe I'm not as hot as I think I am. How could I ever be with any of these people. Or worse, I don't like her because the women in front of me can't conspire to the women I see on Instagram, photoshopped to the waist, spray tanned out, teeth artificially whitened, makeup two inches thick and beyond reality. And we're caught, trying to play beautiful and trying to chase beautiful... I don't know it confuses me and makes me mad. I just hope to find someone real and someone more beautiful on the inside than they are on the out - as cliché as that sounds. But really it's something Instagram can't show. Which is why I should probably delete Instagram.

Looks a little uglier
A little more strung out
A lot more stressed
A lot different
Not sure If it's better
Not sure if it's worse
I just see myself different

the boy who cried wolf,
thought that in order to be the biggest and baddest wolf,
he must be green.
this wolf went out of his way to be green but he just couldn't be green.
He did everything he could do to be green but ****** he just could not find his green color.
Why the hell does he want to be green anyway, nothing good comes of being green.
being green is for those who are born that way, you can't just become green, you're a wolf, wolves arn't green and you sure as hell aren't green.
this wolf found the dye one day, at college.
The wolf found the dye and colored his hair, found out he really is green.
found out that beneath his coat he was as green as anyone had ever seen.
Once green, the wolf wanted nothing more than to be normal, but the green was permanent, and forever now, the wolf will be green.

nevermind
nevermind i won't write about death
ill just sit here
in the laundry mat
feeling sick
feeling anxious
listening to stupid music
watching football
missing something
missing someone
needing someone
needing something
a better hope
a better tomorrow
a better today
something honest
someone true
something right
someone left

Today my therapist asked me about suicide.
My insides collapsed
I hunched over and didn’t allow myself to cry
I felt a weakness capture my entire body in a way that made me feel cold
The word suicide came out of my mouth weighing a ton and upon final release of the word… again my body shriveled and again I didn’t allow myself to cry
The word now rings in my head
Talks me to the ledge
And makes me think about what It is to live
This word which has once been silly
Now encompasses my entire body
Without treatment I may have never known suicide
That is,
Until it was too late

Life and death
What's the difference between the two
we know that in life you have a Choice
Death you do not
Death happens
Unexpected
Expected  
Nonetheless it happens
But what Is better
Knowing what happens
Or being hallucinate
Who knows
All I know is that I'm tired
Physically
Mentally
And spiritually

what is it about a breakup that makes us so sad,
is it the uncertainty or is it the loneliness?
a break up sends us into an uncontrolled spiral downward and out.
we give up all hope and lose ourselves beyond belief.
we never feel good about ourselves until we have the silver and the gold... and then some.
lets take this energy and this newness and this scared feeling you have and shout to the skies, bend mountains and set fire to all that has hurt you.  **** the depression that lys on your face and throw it away in the morning, get up and take control of your life.  This is your life now and every decision you make is who you are, and the better thing is, the more ****** decisions you make, the more compatible you are to the next one.  Life is a weird and endless journey that leaves us down more than out.  Lets learn to take the downs and throw them out, lets take the self-hatred and turn it into self-love, because, isn't it that easy anyway? can't we be our own guide, can't we stir our own ship, can't we control the waves that rock us back and forth with a simple thought and a simple action.  Maybe not, but we can see the skies and say give me hell, I won't back down.  Every day is a miracle, every day is a curse, every day is a battle, ever day is everything we want it to be, so lets be todays miracle.

I want to fall asleep in your arms every night.
I want the next time I see you to be better than the last.
I want to go on exotic dates, like Korean BBQ.
I want to dress freely.
I want to eat pizza with you on Fridays and watch movies into Saturday.
I want to be young and dumb and in love, the best kind of love, with you.
I want, to stop saying I want.
I want you to show me a world I never knew.
I want to be amazed that you were ever created.
I want you to see me for all that I am.
I want to run away and get married on a secluded island and never come back.
Learn the native language and teach math.
Drink from palm trees and wear sandals.
Shower weekly and still be in love.
I want to wrap this up in a way that makes you smile.
But I cant, because im in denial.

Tedd. Tedd are you there
Tedd it's officer falìz, I need to talk to you
Tedd your mother told us
It's ok ted you are going to be ok
Please let me in ted it's only myself
... door opens
Thank you
How are you doing today
Fine
Are you safe?
Yes
No harm?
No
Ok
So tell me
-what's going on
What do you mean what's going on?
Tedd your mother told me about her
Where is she and why have you done this
I'm not telling you
- I didn't do anything and I want you to leave
Tedd please work with me. You're safe with me
How can I tell you when I see you in uniform
- how do I know you don't have a wire
- or that you arnt going to arrest me or turn me in or whatever you superficial narcs do.
Tedd please work with me, I talked with your mother and she told me everything
I know Teresa hurt you badly. And she had no right to and you even had right to react but tedd this has happened before and we need to start doing something about this
I don't need help. I don't need to tell you and I don't need my ******* mother telling you what I tell her in privacy
- now please leave before I do to you what I did to Her
Are you threatening me tedd?
Just please leave
I'm not leaving until I see her
Well then ur going to have to go to the grave because I killed her
Ted please tell me this isn't true
It is true. And now I'm to **** you
Ted please don't do this.
And because you know now and because you're a cop I have to **** you.
Ted please we can get you help and get you out of here without trouble and you can have a normal life again.
Hahahaha what the **** is normal. I haven't know normal a day in my life. I haven't know normal since normal was too kind to see.
I suggest you leave now so you don't have to see your own death.
Tedd I'm not going to leave
Fine
Tedd put the gun down
Leave
I'm not leaving
Three
Put it down tedd
Two
I swear to god tedd put the ******* gun down now
One
*two shots ring
Send an ambulance we have a victim down
923 Jackson blvrd
8:27 am Tuesday morning of march the 12th
Tedd Nelson Roberts the subjects named
History of mental disorders and recent disturbances
- thank you officer falìz on our way


Tedd I told you I wasn't going to leave and we could have helped
..... I didn't **** her, she killed me

Coming soon into my arms
I hear the bells and whistles charms
Ringing to me singing to me clinging to me,
Is the one so proudly gay
Floating down the street in her blue sundress and white sneakers,
I can see her now
As if it weren't all a dream

I’m sorry
I don’t want to be like him
I love you jack
I don’t want it to be like this
Please jack
Just answer me
Are you ok?
Why wont you talk to me?
What’s going on?
Are you hurt?
Please answer me
I love you …

I never wanted to hurt you
I never wanted any of this
I will always try for you jack
Please don’t do this to me jack
Youre killing me
Please

I don’t want us to be like me and my father
My father made me work
I never made you work
I let you play sports
I let you play sports
I let you play sports
Please jack
Cant you see
Im not like him
I tried to make things better jack
Please cant you see
Im not like him
Im not obsessive
I let you do what you enjoy doing
I let you play sports
I didn’t make you work
I didn’t make you work
I didn’t make you work
Cant you see how much ive done for you
Why are you so rude to me
Ive done so much for you
You owe me
You owe me for everything
You have nothing without me
Please jack
Just be my friend
Cant you see that I love you
Cant you see that I love you more
Can't you see that I love you more than your sister
More than your mother
More than myself
Jack why cant you see

Why cant we be friends jack
Please why
Whats wrong
Please jack...

Please

Rise above the windy storm,
Come into my morning form.
Scratch the itch that burns my skin,
Light the candle, I am your kin.
Stick the needle in my arm,
I will not fall to your alarm.
Stick the needle in my arm,
It has a certain friendly charm.

When does It become okay to admit that she is into you?
For me its when she says hello.
But that’s the **** problem,
After hello we are hearing wedding bells happily ever after.
We love everyday without a worry.
It is indeed hopeless, its also not reality.
It is actually disparaging.
For her, im probably just another face.
So when I see us going up the stairway to heaven,
She sees the cheese fries behind me.
I get my hopes all the way up,
She stays in the moment.
I become heartbroken when she walks away,
She plans on talking again later.
I see her and I am in pain,
But I cant tell her this because I just met her.
Now she sees a scant of who I am,
She has no idea and I don’t expect her to.
So this is all what makes love so hard, for me.
You have to know me better than I know myself,
Upon first acquaintance.
And so that’s why I am always alone,
At least I think.
Hold on her she comes,
Hopefully she didn’t hear what I just said.

The scratch on my arm reminds me of who I am.
It keeps me humbled when I'm having fun.
It's the reminder I need to keep me safe.
To keep me normal.
I enjoy it

Staying up all night because these worries keep me woke
telling my parents i need a counselor to help me sleep
seeing my mom laugh as i explain to her the troubles that haunt my mind
not being able to tell my father because he's the source of my pain.
Feeling lost in a world so cold
A civil war goes on in my head of should i stay or go
asking myself if i should drive out into traffic and end it now
feeling the pain in my chest
in my throat
wondering if it will all go away
knowing it won't
knowing its going to get worse
knowing I'm different
knowing I hate myself
music curing my temporary illness
all while contained within the walls of my youth trophies and baby pictures
the pictures take me back
make me want times that didn't hurt
times of innocence
times where the pain wasn't in my eyes yet
times when i didn't love or hate
times when i just lived
times when time was just that
when time wasn't should I stay up yet another night because the sun will rise in an hour or should I waste another one of my timeless days by sleeping from the night terrors finally going away.
Times that I miss the most
and what is most funny is that these times weren't too long ago.
I don't know, just pray for your brother
times are tough
getting tougher
lonelier and colder.
times are tough
pray for your brother
lets get through this together

I've been ****** into you for the past two hours trying to find myself.
And here I am
Still trying to find myself
It doesn't give me peace
But it also doesn't give me pain
If I sit in silence I die
If I am with you I'm mad
I'm mad because now I have one less minute
Of sleep
Or until I have to go to sleep

You see sleep for me is this odd thing
I love it so much
Yet it means I have to do it again
Each day,

A marathon of emotions and energy that will soon run out
Today I was close, but the finish line caught me
So I guess I'll post this on hellopoetry now
tell you what time to wake me up
And go to bed
My chest beats as I say it.

Thankful for Lexi
Thankful for Kevin
Life is growing
I am settling
I am growing

Thank you Lexi
You bring light to darkness
Thank you Kevin you bring Hustle to laziness
Thank you sun
You bring joy to pain
Thank you running
You bring ease to mind

Thank you bukowski
You bring words to life
Thank you Hemingway
You are brilliant
Although you do still bore me at time. (still thankful tho)
Thank you mom
You taught me who a women is
Thank you father
You taught me who a man is

Thank you god
You saved me from abuse
Thank you Mary
You showed me kindness
Thank you pope Francis
You showed me mercy

Thank you fish
You taught me peace
Thank you bed
You taught me everything

I love life
I love this life
I love growing
I'm making the right steps in life
I'm making myself best
I'm investing in myself
I love myself

But baby I love you more

I still have not met you
But I love you more than all
You are my happiness
and until I meat you
Fine will be just that

I won't see sunny days until I see you
Forever a rainy day will be my favorite

That is until my ray of sunshine shows me the joys a light filled day has to Offer

My love I hold you endlessly in my heart,
I pray for you daily sweetheart and I can't wait to meet you

As I lay in bed I hold you near
And until then
Be well
I love you
I'm making myself best for you
for junior
For everyone

Goodnight my love. I'll be seeing you

"I see the light"
Your wife bitterly cries  
Go to the light
I love you so much baby
Go to the light,
Please go to the light

In yourself you hear her.
You trust her.
Nothings here.
Nothings there.
Nothings good.
Nothing's bad

You're peaceful
You're resting
You're floating closer
And closer
And closer
To

The light

You've entered the light

Outside
The nurse registers 10:25 am time of death

Inside,
The light  Burns
The light burns as bright as snow

It Hurts
It Stings
And it's blurry

You start to clear your eyes and you make out a field of corn,
Crotch high
Feathered at the ends

Trees come in from the sides
And you see it's a beautiful sunny day,
The Clouds are out
But they're few
And how pillowy white they are

You're eyes clear a little more
And you see him,
Dressed in white
Coming towards you

You make out his face
And you see by his walk that it's him

You're heart burst so badly that it hurts
The kind of pain that breaks you down to your knees and immediately you cry

You cry hard and you cry loud
And you cry fast

The joy of knowing you made it overwhelms you so entirely that you cramp up into the fedal position
Finally you say sorry lord

I never deserved any of this

tomorrow
tomorrow i hate you
tomorrow you make me not want to go to bed
tomorrow you *****
tomorrow you stole me
tomorrow you take away my today
tomorrow, you come like an unwanted guest
tomorrow when i see you i wish you would just go away
tomorrow you drive me crazy....er
tomorrow goodbye, forever   -today

today i am encouraged
feeling free and full of life
today i feel like writing my best poem
today feels like every other day wasn't a day
when i feel like this it makes me forget and forgive
what is so different about today?
i showered
maybe thats it
maybe its the shower we force ourselves to take
the same way we force ourselves out of bed
it is not easy for people like us to function as normal
it takes that much more effort to get out of bed
to get in the shower
to drink a coffee
to smoke a cigarette
and then finally,
normal
now i can interact
now i can be social
now I'm happy
now,
now i am okay
now lets listen to music
now lets study
now lets talk to that cute girl in class
wait, before all this lets make sure we take our pill
okay pill taken,
phew! pill taken,
last step in the daily cycle
last step in feeling okay...
hey roommate!
"*******"
day over, day ruined
all that preparation
all the pills
the coffee
the nicotine
all that to waste
all that to waste because of an *******
because of the ******* roommate
because being "emotionally fragile" doesn't allow for forgiveness
because being hurt doesn't allow you to brush things off
because every interaction is the most important interaction you will ever have
because when you are me, being alive is a full time job
listen!
im not saying i have it worse than you
I'm saying that i am like you
and we are not like them
they don't know what it is like to have a twenty foot Carter in the center of your body
and ever snarling comment and every backhanded stare adds boulders and boulders to the Carter
splitting me down the center
adding to the depth
adding to the hurt
keeping me in bed
keeping me in my room
keeping me in the book
keeping me at the library
keeping me alone!
because the next boulder could be the final one that splits me down the center and cracks me in half.

today,
ill think back on the good times
the honest laughs
the loving kiss
the first kiss
the last kiss

today,
ill think back on the good times
the sunday football games
the sunday baseball games
the time you choked me
the time you hit me
the time you poured water on me
the time you made me apologies for all those times

today,
ill think back on the good times
the times where sports were fun
when coaches were my friends dads
when coaches didn't yell
when coaches were friends
when coaches did degrade
when coaches didn't care
when coaches were fun
when sports were fun
when sports were a relief
when sports were me

today,
ill think back on the good times
when we went to the avett brothers concert
when we went to the green day concert
when we hid in your room
when we cried together
when you painted my nails
when you dug your nails into my arm
when you yelled at me for chores
when you cried to me
when I broke your heart
when I was your brother

today,
ill think back on the good times
the times you took me shopping
every time you were there when I needed you
when you came down on my crying
when you found my ****
when I broke your heart
when I became detached as your son
when you found out I cut myself
when you found out I have three counselors
when you found out I failed second grade
when you had my back
when you stopped the monster
when you protected me from the monster
when you helped me become me
when you taught me gay is normal
when you taught me theater is cool
when you taught me to express myself
whenever you let me buy blue shoes
or skinny jeans
or medium sized shirts
thank you, for everything.

get up
just kidding keep sleeping
skip your first class
skip your second class
you know what, just don't get out of bed today
ly still all day
don't think
don't move
don't speak
you listen to me
i am your body
i am your heart
you hear me
the way i sound right now
the way i feel in your palms
thats me
this is us
we are unified
i am here
i am not leaving
learn to live with me
take more pills
sleep more hours
listen to more music
no matter what you do i will still be here
i will be here until you are no longer
i will be here until you do not want me to be here anymore
until you act
until you take control
until you want to be you
you will have nothing until you decide what you want to make us
we are you
you are me
now,
lets get to class.

Stay off the drugs.
Stay off the drink.
Stay motivated on yourself.
Youre the only one who wont let you down.
Never be ugly, although its hard for an ogre.
Be kind and gentle, to every face you meet.
Try. And try again.
Be loved. Don’t be afraid to love.
Let others in.
Try not to sin.
Write poetry.
Its free.
Drink coffee. Just kidding drink tea.
Be weird. Dye your hair. Paint your nails. Cut your teeth.
Stay up late.
Sleep during the day.
Eat lunch for dinner.
Wander.
Be scared.
Cry more.
Be free, in every possible sense of the word, please, be free.

I  miss you
the first time I've ever admitted this
I miss you
I said it again
No i don't miss you
But i miss your love
You were good to me
I was bad to you
But I miss you now
Im bleeding for you
I miss you

Lightening flashing in the sky
And long before the crack of thunder sounds
It's white light illuminates the sky,
The same way I hope to fall in love with you ophillia.

I need a friend
Or a helping hand
Someone to lead me
To feed me
Otherwise this addiction will soon take control

Tomorrow

Maybe tomorrow will be better

No poem here

I feel him
he's with me
All day
all night
he tells me when its ok to talk
and when its not
he decides when ill smile
or if ill smile
he's the worst
literally nobody likes him
he takes a good situation and makes it bad
he takes color and paints it black
he wakes me up in the morning and kicks me in the nuts
telling me not to cry
that if i just forget about it it'll go away
if i just put my music in ill forget about him and be fine
how he always has the answers
he's always right
don't ever question him
he has more power than i know what to do with
he is. me
and i can't stand living with him

they're all pompous
they all think they are important
they all think they change lives
they are always right
they don't see color
they don't dream
they are static
they don't encourage
they degrade
they hate
they are wrong
always
they don't know youth
they don't stay modern
they don't care
they know themselves
they don't know you
they don't care about you
they never will
they never have
most of all, they're lazy