I was still
standing in rubble
When you came
into my life

I feel guilty
For loving you
More than
You gave me permission to

I just want love
From someone
Who isn't intent
On destroying
Me

A kiss
Erased
By another
Pair of lips
But not forgotten

I have wasted a library on you
.
.
.
.
.
Too bad you're illiterate

There are some days
That are harder than others
Days that I miss you more

Today is one of those days
And I want to tell you about it
I want to hear what you think
To tell you how I feel

There are some days that I really hope for a someday
Even if it breaks me

I really want a someday with you

You were the ocean
I was the canoe
And somehow I thought I was the one steering

I have more people
Better friends
Than ever before
But not having you
Or even a part of you
Makes me feel so ******* alone

We were a firework
and it fizzled out
leaving a smoking sky

but now when I look up
all I see is blue

Today I feel free
as if the words weighing me down
have all been expelled from my body

You don't have power over me anymore
Even if I wouldn't say no
to having your skin pressed against mine
one more time

we were not made for romance
we were not made for love

We were two puzzle pieces that fit together
but from two different boxes
we didn't make sense
we didn't come from the same picture

I want to kiss somebody else tonight
So that your lips aren't the last ones I've tasted
I bet every memory of me has already been replaced
That you have already been touched in the places that for a short period of time were mine
I know that your memory will linger like a tattoo under my skin
But I am dying for a cover up

I wrote to you again
I don't know if you wanted me to
You never replied
I hope you text me when you're drunk
That a part of you still wants me
That you haven't forgotten
Because you are woven into the fabric of my being
And I really can't stand being not even a memory to you

Delusions
We were made up of them
And not much more
But I didn't realise it
Until my heart stained the floor

You told me I wasn't broken
But then you acted like I was
Making it irrelevant if I was in the first place

You know,
I really thought
I could fix you
but you didn't ask for that
so
You broke me
just so that I would have something else to do

I have to thank you
for being my muse
For flooding my once dried up stream
with an entire ocean

It was disastrous and wonderful
I almost drowned
before I remembered how to swim

but now here I am
floating on the surface

I fed my heart to you
Dipped in chocolate and with a silver spoon
And when you threw it back up
I was ready to leave
To take the pieces and just go

But you pulled me back in
Secured me with a rope
And somehow I got the blame
for staying and holding on

I still have the rope marks across my bones
Even thought they are fading just a little every day

I told him I loved him
for the first time
as I stepped off the ride
and waved goodbye

I fell for you
But you weren't there to catch me
So I scraped my knees
And I can't stop picking at the scabs

My heart used to be whole
But then I met you

You brought a shovel
And buried yourself deep down

You made yourself a home
Decorated it with your favourite pictures

And then you left
Leaving the door open
Letting in a storm

And now there are weeds growing from the floor

They say I'll find someone better
Someone made for me
But if you weren't made for me ...
why does my bones ache without you?

Why does the air taste recycled
if it hasn't touched your skin?

I am drowning in the absence of your breath

I keep trying to find someone to lend me oxygen
But the taste isn't the same

I have stopped hearing your voice in the words I say
soon I won't remember
what it sounds like
when you say my name

I kissed him because he smelled like you
and that is just a little bit ****** up

I got too intense
I felt too much

I tried to push it down
I really tried

I knew how scared you would get
how insecure

But I couldn't hold it down
and I drove you away

You were my drug
and I have an addictive personality

Now I can't have you
and
The abstinence is killing me

I forget to eat
I forget to sleep
I forget to take care of myself

But I can't forget you

And I don't know how it is possible
but I still smell like your sweat mixed in with mine

It clings onto my hair like plastic wrap
firm, but soft and colorless.

It has sunk into my skin
swallowed up by my pores
and now it is gently seeping out

A temporary alteration of my chemistry

I will never forget the way you looked at me
before everything changed
You looked at me like I shone like gold
You saw my imperfections and you praised them

Then you took it way
And I will never be the same

All I want
is to be whoever it is you see
when you look at me

But that is a person who will die in process
Because if I use you to become the me I want to be
I won't

I will become someone shallow and twisted
I will need a new name
Whoever I become I won't ever be the same

There is something about becoming a mother that makes you examine the crimes of your own

I do not feel safe with you
My intact body does not equal an intact mind

When I look at you I don't see my mother
You stopped being all that that encompasses a long time ago

Calling me out for being shy when in fact I was just lonely
Believing I was not worthy of the space I took up
Believing my strength was only in being good, performing well and tending to others
Forgetting that I too had a voice
The ability to speak not just listen

You didn't protect my peace
You didn't protect my sanity
And you didn't not teach my how to do it on my own

Maybe you thought my tear streaked face was just my face

You put me in a position where I shared your roll as a mother
Caretaker of the entire house
And in that teaching me that I was only valuable in what I could give
But not valuable enough to receive

I am glad I have a son
He will not have to hide his body in sweaters too warm for the season
He will not be subject to your view of what it means to be a woman
He might actually be as confident and self-loving as your own son

There is only so much oxygen in a room
And I wish you had raised me to believe I could have some

But your biggest crime of all is making me believe that it was laughable that I could be loved