The air is incredibly thin.
I can’t breathe, and my
hands are shaking.
When I was a boy,
a playmate hit me
in the head with a
glass ashtray.
In an instant,
my father had snatched
the boy up and carried him
****** outside, suspended
by one ankle.
I’ve heard also,
stories of my great-uncles
two brothers, run out of
Saint Louis County
because they’d fought in and
been banned from every tavern
on both sides of every main drag,
of every township therein.
Maybe that’s where this
comes from.
There is a fire inside that
most days is only embers,
but stokes far too easily into
infernal inferno.
The grey mush in my skull is
jacked into some electricity
with jumper-cables made from
too many sour thoughts,
a fierce depression, and
huge piles of self-doubt.
Gladness, contentedness,
feels like fraud, like failure,
like not leaning into it sturdily
enough.
Like not staring into The Abyss hard
enough.
It feels like obscenity to
not see conflict,
to not rail against
some dark thing,
some enemy.
In doing so
is found the ability to
feel like
enough.
But,
what
is
enough?
*
-JBClaywell
©P&ZPublications; 2016