can you miss a place you've never seen? is it possible to have walked a street i've only seen in pictures? every night, i dream of this. i wish i was there.

today, i made up my mind. i wanna fly to the place where the lights twinkle until the sun rises low above the horizon. i long for that hot urban scent. river and cement. through hell and high water, i'll make my pipe dreams come true.

see you soon, love. don't wait up for me. just know i will be there even if the stars don't align. i will move them for me.

i hope one day you learn to look into the corners and see that the webs were not cobwebs brought about by the lengthy days we had. they are strings painstakingly spun through the tough yet beautiful years that we have, all of those keeping me tethered to you. i hope you learn to read between the letters and the lines, that each one was made as a puzzle for you. i hope that one day you will learn that i cared about you as much as you cared about me. now that it's all over, i hope that you learn that my love does not lie in the open. you know how secretive i am. i would not leave the thing i value the most out in the open, just for people to try and take it from me. no, this is why you thought i never cared. i hope you bothered looking under your pillow or in the books i lent to you. it is in the ruffled sheets of our nights and mornings together. i slipped my smile for you in every single one of the pages i dog-eared for you. i hope you found it at 2 am, in the mornings with me. it was in my sleepy kisses and the way i huddled close against you. i hope you felt it in the way i ran back to you, every single time, when my rain poured only for you. i hope you hear it in all of my playlists about you that i never told you about. i hope you heard it in my giggling to the silliest things you said, and i hope you unraveled it in the way every single night i hugged you good-bye. i hope you felt it in our goofy dancing under the stars, eighteen kilometers apart. not far, but not close enough. i hope you realized it was in my tears, till the very last time i tried to fight for us. i hope you felt it in the way i gripped your hand as we walked a moon-lit street, and i hope you remember it in the way i asked for your embrace for the last time. to be perfectly candid, i was so nervous that night, but the way you held me, as it always did, calmed me down. i will always remember how you smelled that night, like sunshine, and you walked like it too. you brought me home that day, and i asked you one last time if you still loved me. i hope you heard it in my silence, anxious yet relieved, when only nothingness filled the car on the way to my front porch. i wondered why the silence was deafening even when there were no words uttered, even though my world was crumbling down under the tires of your car.

every night i wonder why it is so hard for me to forget you. i think its because there are pieces of me i only revealed to you. i bared my soul to you the most, probably more than i lead myself to believe. these are not pieces i can simple ask you to unsee, and i cannot deny that there are also pieces of you in me. however, now, i think i have learned to smash the pieces of myself small enough so it doesn't matter whether i give one to another and eventually lose it. the trouble with you is that i think i gave you pieces several sizes too big that when it was all over, i had trouble retrieving the pieces of myself that were still lodged in your flesh, the ones that crawl their way under your skin, always trying to find their way back to your warm embrace.

ikaw pa rin pala
ang pinagdadasal kay bathala
kapag gising na ang mga tala

sa dilim ng gabi
sa sulok na tahimik
bawat hibik
ngalan mo ang sabi

hindi ko hinihiling
na muling mabalik
tanging nais
tagumpay mo't mga ngiti

kaya't ngayong gabi
nakatingin sa buwang gising
na nag-iisang saksi
isang munting dalangin
para sa minamahal pa rin

right now there are eleven empty containers of alcohol in my bedroom,
but it's fine, i'm fine.
i've been telling myself for more than a year
that i wasn't going to write anymore sad ****** poems about you,
but here we are.
most days i'm sure i don't miss you,
but then i listen to the wrong song,
and before i know it -
i'm screaming along to band of horses in the dark,
stalking your twitter favorites,
and somehow,
i've managed to get snot on my forehead.
yeah, nostalgia is an *******
but not all the memories sting.
there was that one time we went to the movies
and i slipped on some ice and fell flat on my ***.
i just sat there while you took a picture.
but i'm glad we could laugh about it.
i'm glad we were comfortable.
in my head, we still are.
in my head, we're oversized-goodwill-sweater comfortable.
we aren't as comfortable in real life
but i'm glad we still laugh.
this is the part where i don't bring up the time you told me
my laughter could cure your sadness,
because i'm pretty sure i already put that in another poem,
and it makes me really ******* sad.
did i ever tell you i used to play guitar and piano?
i loved them, but i never tried very hard.
i wanted to be good without having to practice.
i wanted to be good without having to practice.
i wanna meet the girl you write about
so i can ask her how she manages not to love you back.
because i've tried everything & i am so tired.
i forgot this wasn't supposed to be a sad poem.
i'm not good at happy anyway,
i never have been.
but in your absence i've learned a lot about softness.
so if i ever find myself back in your passenger seat,
i won't correct you when you sing the wrong lyrics,
i won't ask why when you take the long way home.
i won't ask you why you don't have your seatbelt on,
i'll just say a silent prayer
and watch for signs that you might be about to swerve.
right now there are eleven empty containers of alcohol in my bedroom,
and i didn't find you at the bottom of a single one.

- m.f.

Leaving you was like the first time I got my glasses — I hated it. I hated it with every fiber of my being. I felt that it was stupid, and I was so ashamed to wear it. I never told anyone, and I only used it when I was all by myself. I walk around everywhere pretending my eyes were in perfect functioning condition. It got me thinking why I did not care about my eyes in the first place, so it didn't have to come to this. It didn't feel right because I was so used to trusting my own eyes that I never thought it would fail me. Most times, my glasses gave me pain because I was never used to it.  I took it off, once, twice, thrice, and I guess now, more than I can count with my fingers. I tested whether or not I'd still function without it. However, taking it off that many times just caused more complications for me. Objects got even more unclear, and it got to the point where I just couldn't stand being without it anymore.

I hated my glasses, but I realized I'm not the first person who got glasses. Some people do, and some people don't. Some got contacts, some got spectacles, and some have these things, and simply choose not to wear it.  Eventually, I realized that I do need it. With it, I can see objects in the distance much more clearer, and I could see how far things are from the rear view mirror. Somehow, I understand why there are so many dents in the trunk of the car. I use it often now. Sometimes, I take it off, and things get blurry, and the lines get blurry, and I decide, maybe it's time I put it back on. I enjoy the momentary lapse of blur where I am in 2015 again, sitting in the warm plastic seats of a white box, waiting for the next click of the shutter, and I see your face, and I know for sure.  But this momentary lapse of blur is nothing, standing next to refreshing clarity.

Some days, I believe in what my glasses bring, but I still am surprised when things in the distance are never as they appear - and I think that is what I'm waiting for. I think maybe, I wait for the day, that my eyes will function as they used to, and just maybe, I could come back to the old days when I could trust what I see with my own eyes, when I don't have to wear my glasses anymore. I'm never sure if that day would come, but I'll leave it up to time, chance, and consequence: the very same things that led me to my own demise. However, until then, I'll put my glasses on, and I'll try to wear them with my head up.

Most days
It's longing for your presence
Like flowers need water
Just a looming presence
A cloud over my head
Thoughts of you swim in my head
Your eyes that light up with happiness
The way my name sounds
so different when you say it
Your nose you think too huge
But I think is beautiful either way
The way I feel beside you like
It's where I'm meant to be
Your gorgeous smile that always, always, always
Takes my breath away
All of you, just all of your perfection
But sometimes
It's not a mere cloud looming
Sometimes it's slams the memories back in my mind
The little things you do
Your easy gracefulness
Your kindness
Your happy disposition
Sometimes it feels more like walking down the street
And seeing car coming to slam you
Till you're on your knees
With no controls or no breaks to hit
This is the way I miss you
Painful, merciless, and unforgiving
But the moment
I see you once again
I realize the wait was worth the pain