These letters
Are all I have left.

26 friends
To tell my stories to.

26 letters
Are all I need.

I can stich them together
To create oceans and ecosystems

I can fit them together
To form planets and solar systems.

I can use letters
To construct

Skyscrapers and metropolitan cities
Populated by people, places, things

And ideas that are more real to me
Than these 4 walls.

I need nothing
But letters to live.

Without them
I would not exist.

Because these words I write down
Are the only proof I have

That I'm still
Alive.

And I've fallen.
So hard.
I've hit the ground.
Gone right through it.

Never
In my life
Have I felt this.
Nothing like this.

I've felt shame
And cowardice,
Weakness
And strength.

I've known terror
And indifference,
Self-hate
And general disgust.

I've seen things
That cannot be
Unseen.
And yet

I've known nothing
Like this terrible,
Horrible,
Paralyzing feeling.

I feel crippled.
Desperate
And out of control.
And it keeps getting worse.

Every day
I feel sick.
Empty
And somehow aching.

Live is a
Heartless *******.
I'm driving myself
Insane.

i wanna write happy poems
that make people smile
that make them feel alive
but everytime i try to write
what i feel inside
it's all dark
and the paper star to cry
and my demons start to draw
and my tears start to fall
and my heart start to heart
and everything began to darken

Never had I
Ever felt this hopeless
About us
As I did tonight

I discovered where
I went wrong
And it backed up
What you did

You started it
I'm sorry
That I had to say that
But it began with you

Never had I
Ever felt that hopeless
As I did when I met you
But I was intrigued

You were all lies
But I was caught up
In your flames
So novel you were

Never had I
Seen something as magnificent
As you were
Well, are

I was captivated
I was trapped
You kept hitting me
And I came back

It wasn't until tonight
Did I realize
that you were laughing
At my pain

I did what I had to
What I wanted to
At the time
It seemed alright then

I wanted to start over
I wanted a clean slate
For us
We could be a phoenix

I hid who I was
And you loved it
You loved me
I made you crazy

It was about time
You felt for me
As I did for you
So I continued

You fell hard
I did too
It wasn't until later
That we both broke

You gained wisdom of me
And you were not satisfied
With those results
Weren't satisfied with me

You wanted me
To be someone else
You toyed with me
I toyed with you

We both wanted someone else
Neither of us were them
I know that now
I don't think you do

I broke you
I made you cold
More than you ever were
Before

And you broke me
You made me hate myself
I won't repair
I will never love the same

You despise me
You loved my mask
But not the person under it
You were so disappointed

I can't get away from you
You are everywhere
You continually drown me
You don't mind

I was a fool
For loving you
You were a fool
For returning it too late

Now as I see you
I display my hate
Which is so much kinder
Than your blank face

I know we will never
Be able to repair our bridges
We will never know each other
This never happened

But what I also know
The worst part of all
Is that if you called my name
I would give all I am to you

Never had I
Realized how hopeless we were
We destroyed each other
But here you are again

I can't even reconize myself
I look in the mirror a lot
I stare at my reflection
But I don't reconize it

It is a miracle
That I can identify myself
Inside me I just know
But I look different every time

I don't even know
What I look like
How could you?
How do you say you know me?

I don't throw caution
To the wind
For that is too light
Too easy to be free of
Why would I waste wind?

I throw something
It's of more value
It is something
That every one wants
No one can catch it

I throw my love
I flit it in front of them
Letting them know it's free
And they always try to grab it
But it is not for them

I forget about my love
I use it too freely
So much so
It loses all meaning
Stripped of its value

I ruined it for everyone
I fell
And I brought everyone
Down
With me

I still look for you
Every day
I twist my neck
Hoping to see you
I break my bones
To get a better view
Of the space you left
I never will get tired
Of seeing your perfect face
And my eyes
Were delighted
When they saw you
They are deprived now
They are thirsting
They are longing
I miss you
I miss your presence
I miss your constantness
Every day
I still look for you