There is an empty space now
I don't plan to fill it
It's out in the open like a wound
And no one will tend to it
I don't want to fill the void
I'm sick of doing that
I'll rot in my emptiness
Hopefully till the afterlife
Where maybe I'll see you again
Only you can fill that void
Only you can tend to the wound
You left when you withered away
Only you.

i. this poem is not about that thursday afternoon
you spent holding me in your arms, swaying
back and forth in the middle of your bedroom
because i mentioned that no one understood me
and you told me you liked my dark hair and
my olive skin and the fact that i wrote poems about
confused teenagers in love and that i had a heart
that was just as confused as yours was

ii. we whispered sweet nothings to each other and
kissed under your navy blue duvet for two years
and the reason i still cry over that is because
you knew how much i detested dancing and that
i hated when my peas touched my potatoes and
that i never went to bed before two in the morning,
but you never learned that i am an iceberg

iii. i asked you to describe me and you failed
to mention that i'm afraid of the dark because
it reminds me of a sky without stars and that
my favorite song is skinny love by bon iver
because it reminds me of the relationship that
i shared with you and you never understood
why i liked sad things (it's because i like the
way rainy days and sleepless nights make
me feel something worth writing about)

iv. this poem is not about love or heartbreak
but it is about you, and i must admit that it
feels awkward to write about you without
feeling any ounce of admiration or hatred
pulsing through my tired veins. this poem
is not about me missing you, or how i wish
that you still thought about me, because i
am glad that i no longer float across your
mind whenever you watch a baseball game

v. you were like the titanic and our feelings
were the ocean that carried you closer to me.
you saw the surface of my being, consisting
of all the things you liked about me and the
things that you could put up with. but your
ignorance became too much and every
quality you failed to pay attention to came
crashing into you all at once and i
absolutely destroyed you and i don't know
whether to say i'm sorry or
you deserved this

i have broken too many bones
to keep bending over backwards
to try to prove to you that
i'm exactly what you need

how can i support you
when i no longer have a backbone
to support myself?

I watch my amazing
wonderful
thoughtful
funny
boy.

He doesn't belong.

He is merely tolerated
by people he thinks
are his friends.

But I watch.
And I know.

He has no confidant.
He is no one's go-to guy.
He is alone.

I understand his situation.
I lived it.

And it was everything I didn't want for him.

The Loneliness.
The Isolation.
The Wondering...

Why is who I am not good enough?
Why do people not understand me?
Who do I have?

So I say to my son...
you have me.
Always me.

I will accept you
and acknowledge you
and love you.

I will remind you why
you are the best thing that
has ever happened to me.
That you changed my life.
That you are my reason for being.

That people don't understand the depth of your soul.
Your compassion.
Your understanding of humanity.
Already at age 14.

And that someday
people will regret
not knowing you
and accepting you
and loving you
while you move on to people who do.

Until then,
you always have me, son.
Always.

I love you
I love your inconsistency,
I love how you ruin my day
and make it up to me
when the moon starts to show.

I love you, I love you, all of you;
All of what's left, and all of what
you could become in the future;
all the scars on your skin
making you lovelier than ever.

I love how you bleed and
how you could hold onto the thorns
that consumed me; I love your innocence
and your childish needs.

I love your mistakes and
our constant arguments,
I love you, I love you being there.
I love how you see me
when I'm at my prettiest;
and when all my troubles build
like walls around my chest;

and you'd sit, you'd stay,
you'd watch, you'd know,
what makes me tick,
what makes me grow,
what makes me run,
what makes me want you more;
I love you, from the surface
down to the core;
I love you,
with all my aching soul.

I try to stop and wonder why
Am I numb now?
Tears start to fall
Never wanting to stop

Just a minute ago
I was laughing
Now I’m depressed
Suicidal thoughts arise

How can I've been happy?
Then so upset in a blink of an eye
I remember their faces
And I feel nothing for them

Everything’s a distant memory
My own nightmares taking over
I try to find something joyful
All I found was even more terror

How can I tell the people who love
That when night comes
I’m no longer myself
Just like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
I’m a monster that does not feel
Alone and cold, immune to everything
What happened to me?
I want it to stop

But whenever I try to stop
Someone else barges in
I don’t know who it is
But they’re taking over

I try to control myself
Hoping to win the battle in my head
Whether I win or lose
I’m no longer the same

I've changed but not for the better
All the things I've pushed away
Have resurfaced and formed
Now it has personified into my nightmares

Gladly, it only happens at night
But it talks to me during the day
I push back the negativity
Or else it’ll swallow me whole

Who knew it would be like this
I didn't, but that’s what I get
I can never be truly happy
I’ve accepted this much

I’ll face the world with my burdens
Give everyone a smile
I’ll lie my way to my death
Knowing that no one knows the monster inside.