Hey
Ok
I know that you know that I can't say "I'm not good with words" because, let's be honest, that's basically the only thing I'm good at.
But what I'm not good at is you.
Or rather, how to use my words with you.
But I used to.
But now I just... I don't know.
Just like how I don't know what happened. How I don't know what I did wrong. How I don't know if I even did something wrong.
It just felt like... I don't actually have a great analogy to explain this but it felt ******.
Ok let me try this analogy.

It kinda felt like an Icarus moment.

Which is funny, given me name right now.
Let me explain.
You know how he died? How all he was doing was enjoying what he had. His freedom. How he never felt that freedom until then and then when he let himself experience it it ended up being his downfall. Literally.
That's what falling for you feels like. How it felt like.
I'm not gonna lie and say I wouldn't have fallen for you, but if things didn't turn out the way they did I'm pretty sure I could say I love you and not feel like I'm lying to myself about it.
I've never met anyone who fit so perfectly with me that it scared me at first.

It's always scary when you fly for the first time, right?

But when I did start falling for you it didn't feel like falling at all it feels like flying. It feels exhilarating and somehow taboo at first. How it feels like something so good should be something I shouldn't do.
But the more I knew you the more I flew. The more I soared high.
What I didn't know back then was that the more I flew, the more it'll hurt when I started falling.

Which I did.

When I needed you the most- no,
When I needed someone the most, you vanished.
Actually you didn't vanish. Which was worst.
It felt like you were there, constantly there, and yet you couldn't be to give me a single glance.

It physically felt like a punch in the heart.

But I guess that's my fault. Yeah. I know it's my fault. It's my fault for thinking you'll be there for me. It's my fault for expecting you'll do to me what I'll do for you.
I keep forgetting that when I confessed my feelings for you to you, you confessed your lack if feelings for me to me.

But this isn't what this whole thing was about.

This isn't a message for my past crush, nor is it for the one I'm pining on. It's a message for my best friend.
This message is for the one who I talked about living together with in London.
This message is for the one who showed me so much music that they knew I'll love
This message is for the one who told me that I loved rain just as much as they did.

This message is for you and this message is a hello or a goodbye, depending on you.

I noticed that people who says "I hope you're okay"
or "I hope you're doing fine"
to other people are the ones who've had it rough.
That they know how it feels like to not be okay.
That they went through somewhere dark.
That they don't want other people to go through what they did.
That they want people to be happy and not anything less than okay.
And that they really hope other people are fine.
Nonetheless, it's a lovely reminder, though.
Even though they weren't okay once, they're better now.
Life goes on and it does get better.
So I just want to say;
"I hope you're okay"

-m.b

For the first time in my life I'm writing to my friends. Or maybe it's for my friends.
Because I never thought things would end like this. I never thought things would even end.

They've been here for years and they'll be here for more, I thought.
But all that was lost when they saw my life as a battle to be fought.

I've never been good with spoken words but I've never been silent with my writings.
So I'm speaking and shouting and yelling about how I never knew things were ending.

Tell me things. Anything. Please. I'm so lost at what to do. Specially here and now that I don't have any one of you.

I know it's not good, you could say unhealthy, even. But I've grown so used to all of you, you were my safest haven.

But I know I lost it. And I know that you see it.
But help me out and tell me why you saw my friendship and decided to drop and leave it.

So this is my sorry. And my thank you. And my fare well.
I know you are all better without me but i won't be better without you, and I hope you can never tell.

This isn't a poem about you,
It's one about me.
It's about things you've done,
That I shouldn't have seen differently.

You and I were alike in different circumstances.
You made me feel certain things and they felt like chances.

Chances I would've pondered if they weren't taken.
Chances I would regret eventually, only I didn't know it back then.

When I wrote about things about you, it felt like a stab back then.
It felt like the knife jammed in my back was being nudged all over again.

But sometimes it felt like the fire in my chest, like something close to rage.
That every time I think about you leaving me it's like a storm trying to burst through my ribcage.

And sometimes it's sad and blue and gray.
Sometimes I think about maybe it's my fault and I I didn't give enough and that I wasn't okay.

It's got me seeing red and got me feeling blue.
It's drowning in silence where it used to be the voice of you.

It's got me seeing gray since you left me with no color.
When you up and dusted, when you ran and slammed the door.

But this isn't a poem about colors.
It's one about pain.
It's about things I wouldnt have lost,
If they were things I didn't gain.

My seven brothers keep secrets
And they trust that I won't tell
And I didn't
Until now

My brother keeps a lighter in his bag
He's very asthmatic and also doesn't smoke
He says it's a metaphor
It's one less lighter that does it's job, and instead does a better job
He believes that I wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother thought of killing himself once
He's nice and everything seems alright
He says it's ironic
I want people to see how  my happiness isn't real. And it's sad that I'm already too good at it for them to notice.
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother wears rubber bands on his wrists
He looked cool to me but it weirded me out
He says it's an alternative
The burn of me flicking bands on my wrist lessens my yearning for it to be cut open
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother likes boys, but he still likes girls all the same
I thought it weird at first but it's who he is so I accepted him
He says it's Love
I fall for who I fall for, is it my fault if they think it wrong?
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother thinks he isn't good enough for anything good
I try to tell him otherwise because I love him
He says it's nothing
I've grown up thinking I'll always get what I deserve. So that's what I expect till now.
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother wants to leave our house
I try to tell him I'll miss me but he said he misses himself
He says he's already left
I'm already missing. You see my shadow and my face, but I'm already gone.
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brother wants to be noticed but shy away from attention
He doesn't glow in the dark as much as he emits darkness in the light
He says is ironic
I crave attention for the right I do but gains it by the wrongs I've done
He believes that wouldn't tell anyone
And I didn't
Until now

My brothers may have plenty secrets
But I have one too

And mine is that i never had brothers
But all that I've said were true

You gave me love I never had
You made me feel special for who I am and made me accept the things that I'm not
You called me things, and sang me songs
That made me see how you saw me
You made me feel things I never thought I could

What I didn't realize was that
You didn't do anything

I thought you gave me love because of the way you treated me
I thought you made me feel special but you just made me realize what I'm worth
You called me things, and sang me songs
But you didn't mean for them to blind me with emotions
You didn't make me feel thing I never thought I could
You just made me feel things I never had


You gave me love
But it wasn't yours

Because you gave me love
that taught me to love

Most of the poems I've written
Are experiences I never had
Some are things that I want to happen
Others are things that happened when I was sad


But lately I've been thinking
That you fit my poems very well
Each and every word of my writing
Reminds me of a story that older folks tell


That when I find the one
The one who will own my heart
They'll make me feel whole and one
Not tear my own little heart apart


But what the others never told
Was that the stories aren't easy
That maybe we will only see each other when we're old
Or that we'll be far apart, on the opposite ends of the sea


But you and I know what this is
We both know what's at stake
We'll both endure till the end of this
Because we both know none of this is fake


People might say we're only children
Or that it might not even be what we thought it'd be
But I know that you'll turn the other cheek, that you'll never listen
Because I know that what I feel for you is just as strong as your feelings for me