I had a dream
Unbeknownst to me.

As I dreamt the school day ended
The bell shrilled
Beckons to freedom
Ready to head home
Laid my backup next to me
Settle in ready to depart
Until they called

"Karen we need a pic or it didn't happen"
Try to say "No, no I'm camera shy"
"Not to worry it just our white shoes in a circle, no one will ever know"

And so the camera did blink
Trap the moment for all eternity

Just as soon I did regret it
For my bus went on its path
En route as is its routine
And it sure did not wait for one or me

Although I did try
My feet thud along the pavement
Hands outreach
Yelling for it to stop
With no success

All my hopes and dream leaving me all safely inside that zipped cozy backpack of mine

Which just keeps getting further away from me its true destiny. The destination of my arms

And so in my tracks I did stop
Disappointment overwhelming me
What to do
What to do?

Call for help
Pray family comes through

Call anyone that comes to mind
Only one did pick up
Such a surprise that it was my tío Oblin 
But that doesn't change the fact of how huge the blessing was as I pray for help to come

As he arrive a friend in need, needs a ride.  
"Can she come? As she also lost" I say
Tío Oblin replies with a nod and so we go

We wait at quick stop to his house
Me filled with worry asking for relief
Amanda sensed my distress

In a hushed tone
"Just between us"
As she passed me her blunt
Take two puffs

Gotta hide the smoke
"Roll the windows down, tío Oblin can't know doesn't trust the stuff"
She laughed, soft
But roll the windows down she did

Had a plan- beat the bus, get my bag
Tío Oblin said "There might be a chance"

Going too fast
But still not fast enough
Must take a shortcut
Over the river
As the car lifted over water

For sure thought we were done
My life will end among family and a friend
Gravity is gonna sink the car down
We will drown

"Not to worry our velocity keeps us safe we're going to fast to even think of sinking in"

Can't be help I had my doubts
But on we went

All my cares went away once my friend handed me the blunt once again
And this time I didn't say no

Then I woke
In a new dream
Driving back home
Then I see
Familiar coat of grey
My cat
Who stray far from home
In a school yard with none a care
Though I didn't care for how far he's gone
The peace I had when i picked him calm me down back to home we did drive
All safe for we were exactly where we needed to be.

Relapse as a revelation

I. Confession

Dear self,

We find ourselves in the same predicament once again.
In a hospital with thoughts which are cycling at a speed of which I have no control.

II. The Snake and the Spirit

My delusions are so strong,
rooted in logic they must be so,
they have to be true no other choice.

Even my mind agrees
but I know, subconsciously she can’t be trusted. She can be as deceitful as Lucifer. A snake, laying in wait.
Patiently waiting to attack in this case my mental state.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I have been transported in a new world, even if it just for a while.

I see many futures all connected to a new world. I see it clear in my minds eyes; a world where that I could’ve lived in if a picked a different choice.
A parallel world others would call it.

This is not a lie.
Please do not say this is all part of the delusion

I know what is real. I don’t care what they say. It’s hard to convince me otherwise.

God what do you say?
…
Only silence: is that my answer?


But it has to be noted that unlike my first hospitalization there’s less confusion,

more understanding of its structure and rules although it might be a new location

The fundamental are much the same.

III. Rituals of the Parallel World

Change to scrubs.
Which mark me as a new patient: just like   the Bible verse said it is written
2 Corinthians 5:17
The old has passed away, now stand a new creation in Christ.

Wait some more like I’m in chapel awaiting a response. Keep awaiting in the hall, for my room.

Must be patient.
Remember it is written: 1 Thessalonians 5:14 be patient with everyone learn the virtue.

See the staff erasing all traces of its last occupant; Parallel world-
Just like how Jesus’ blood did erase the punishments of sin. How they both are gone.

Settle in. As the hours tick by wait for lunch, dinner in bed. Time to rest.

Feel the excess energy throughout my being. Try to sleep hours still tick by

Wake up fix the bed.
Remember it is written; Matthew 6:6.
In my room on my knees pray in private in the windowless dark room which provides the only cover as the rooms have no door.
Ignore the nurse that go by, or at least try. Thank god that this isn’t my tomb of despair.

Now it’s midday-
Fidget

Where can my peace be found?
God what do you say?
Remember it is written: Mathew 7:7.
It will be given.

The T.v glares.
I go and ask the nurse,
“Where can I worship?”
She hands me a pocket Bible.
”Will this do? It’s all we got.”

Take it like it’s the bread offering of the Eucharist, it might as well be.

However note that gives no reassurance, due to its lack of ownership, it has no name.

This Bible is nothing like mine which I filled with my annotations and personal questions to God.

More hours tick by, the angst still so intense.

Suddenly remember how songs can send me messages, ask a new nurse
“How can I access such music.”

IV. Songs as Scripture

Back in my room I’m transport back to church.

As music fills my area. Sing along, in worship mood I am delighted.

God is my savior in every space I inhabit.

Days drag by, has it been a week?

Rationality seep through once more.

The homesickness is heavy laden. When will I be free to go?

With all the rules my safety a top concern. Must wait to be assessed by professionals because they know all the facts.

They know better than I ever could, is that really so? But how can that be true?

V. The Cross I Carry

They don’t know me from Eve.
And my mental disease is not for them to handle. It’s not their weight to carry it’s my fate: the cross that I do bear.

So why aren’t I given autonomy of this choice. Don’t I get to decide when it’s safe for me to go back home?

Why do they say they know best?

Why do they dare take away my choice? Who gave them keys
to a gate
that locks up my freedom?

How do they not know that those walls that used to have me chain
Have been torn down
By a man who loves me and
Who spilled his blood, to set me free?

Why are they so set to limit my freedom?  Can’t they see on what I know is true?

VI. Why Am I Still Here?

God said it so; his blood set me free, so let me go.

So why am I still here
in this room
Without a door?