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Ian J Caldwell Feb 2016
I just want her to wake up one day and call to say she still loves me.
It was my fault though, i ****** it up, threw it away and **** got ugly.
Who was I at the end of it all?
I wasn't who I was when this started and that became so evident when we departed.
How could i have done this?
I died.

Where was my honesty, cause honestly I'm still wondering what devil took hold of me.
This isn't how momma raised me, my other half took over and the gentlemen got lazy.
Duality is hardly notice, especially in yourself.
Thing 1 and Thing 2, which one is really you?
I lied.

****, what the hell was I just thinking?
That I could get away with it and our hearts would continue linking?
Thing 1 is the fool and Thing 2 made it come true.
God just help me, I'm begging you for mercy
But I thought you didn't believe?
Don't you remember?
It was written on your sleeve.
Duality within me, there's a side that's cruel as can be.
I died.  

So why do I decide to wish for this now?
Just ******* wake up and I'll beg even though I don't know how.
It was me.
I did it.
I'm the single guilty party in this one sided game of love.
Wait...you weren't the one sent from above.
Wait...yes she was.
Wait...then why are we here battling internally between number 1 and number 2
Duality inside, stuck together like paper with glue.
I lied.

Who was I at the end of it all?
After all, everyone eventually falls.
At least I've had the time to recognize it.
Reflecting and correcting are always better than neglecting.
The ***** snuck in and I was in denial, that this wouldn't shatter so we drowned deep beneath the Nile.
It was all my fault.
I couldn't see just what I had and if I'm being honest now just know that I'm actually glad that it didn't work out.
That was the awakening I needed.
I lied.

Right now I hope you don't call, I ended happy after all.
My mind flips a lot, I'm glad it's changed to this better thought.
I broke right through the wall, through the *****, the denial, it created the awakening, the revival.
I broke straight through it in pure strength, that journey has finally ended, it's gone it's full length.
The awakening was clear, I fought the duality, I did my best to shake the rage out of me.
I need to finish this now, I need to end it honest, after all it's been so many years.
Just know I never cried a drop, you didn't deserve my tears.
I survived.
Ian J Caldwell Feb 2016
Loud booming 90's jams while sleepless people spend their clams
Bright lights full color, two random guys looking for their brother
How high is the limit? One hundred won't even last a minute
The ATM a blaze, I don't understand the craze
Kendrick busting out, he's the best rapper lately without a doubt
Cars come and go like the tickets of my pockets, hoping for no flat tires so there's no need for a socket
Gold and brown surrounding my eyes, 7:30 draws closer, oh how the time flies

Work, work, work, is that really what this is?
I guess this is the life though, the story of the biz
Those who lay waste to their capital are the ones who feel house rules are not applicable
Third time here stepping through the door and I feel much more loved than anytime before
A couple for a coat, another for their tote
Time ticks so slow tonight, is there such thing as a coffee flight?

Two girls walk by siping their drinks as they gripe, I wouldn't even talk to them, they're not the type
Ring rung goes the phone, this breaks the silence of being alone
The clock ticks near, the morning sky is far from clear
Until we meet again I'm going to dream, the feeling of bed just makes me gleam
Goodnight
Ian J Caldwell Feb 2016
Point A to B
Sometimes these trips weigh on me
Will I become too tired one day to make it home?
Will I decide that enough is enough and seise to roam?
Back and forth, it's raining today
Back and forth, I need new wiper blades
Flying too fast this time, this drive will be a record time
This time, life is just weighing on me
This time, I want to go past the normal point A to B
This time, I want to find a C

I want C to be the sea
I want to see the waves that crash
I want to smell the salt in the air, feel the silk softness of the water as it splashes without a care
I want the sand to cling to me like static
I want that trip to be just so sporadic

A to B to C

The water in the rain gives me a chance to regain the thought of this freedom
Oh how it would be to feel so free with a journey's end at sea
These trips sure do weigh on me
I'll stick to the A to B
....for now
Ian J Caldwell Feb 2016
I love everything she says, I hang to every word that slips out of her pale pink lips.
How I long to kiss every bit of them to taste the knowledge within, do I also dare try to steal the past pain away?
Wow, I hang on every word.
I want, no need something that cannot be heard but that will never be.
How can that be when whatever will be will be?
She doesn't even see me.
I'm invisible, a gleaming.
I must be crazy, I must be, you have to trust me.
I can ramble for days while sifting through this mess of me.
I don't understand, I don't get it, why is there this fire within me and who lit it?
She's just perfect in every way, what more is there to say?
I could go on and on but I'm not sure how to finish, which spot to end it on.
God do I long, I long still!
This has nothing to do with a one night thrill, she's not the one for that and my mind has turned away from that for forever and for always.
I'm finally back to the thoughtful, foresightful mind that used to roam through these crowded hallways.
My heart needs to be calmed once and for all, it's been years and here I am stuck in this perpetual fall.
My heart screams.
My heart pleads.
Who knows if this is really what it needs.
Would one last fight be worth it?
Would it destroy every bit of what's here and unearth it?
I don't have the answer, that's why I'm here.
I put this down so that my mind stays clear, I feel like I do this at least once a year.
That longing stays burning and keeps drawing me near.
For one thing is for certain, the feeling is still here.
It keeps my heart going and let's me know I'm still here.
Ian J Caldwell Feb 2016
The reflective green of the exit, not this one
A long way from home with the black too beneath the worn rubber that has traveled so many miles
The dashed lines pass and pass and pass, from white to yellow and back again
A semi flys by, I don't mind, it's enjoyable to take your time.

Where to this time?
To Dayton?
To Louisville?
To Indy?
The spirit to travel will always be in me.
Oh how these lights cast our the darkness as I fly by.

To put this down on paper would feel much simpler, more real, more meaningful
The imagery would appear and stick like the ink to the paper, like the tires to the road
Always on the go, always on the run, to travel, to explore, so many places I've never been before

As I reflect about the open road, I'm trapped inside this coat check in a building filled with the lost
How I long to travel home on this cold winters night and dream of places not yet seen
How I long to feel my eyes feast upon so many unknown wonders
Will I get to view such things?
One wonders, for now I'll chase the road like post lightning thunders.
Ian J Caldwell Jan 2016
I'll never be good enough for her but she's the only one who can quiet this screaming soul
She is filled with love and grace, of a soul that's amazing and not a waste
The kindest person you'll ever meet, though sometimes her anger is not discreet
I'll never be good enough for her although she's definitely the cure

This life I've led is filled with choices down the road always traveled, minus a few down a road no one dared to take
To avoid the road less traveled I thought I could follow the crowd to make this passionate mind like the rest, a mind that I've grown to detest
This road which has torn me down like the worn ground I walked down to seek what I thought was the crown
This road is not for me, it took to long to clearly see, it took too long to set myself free

On the roads no one dared to take I was given bumps and bruises, scraps and thorns, mother nature, she surely abuses
If I could go back I'd make this choice, take this road towards the soul decision I always come back to
I would make that choice, I would have fully risen, I would be the man forged from fire and fission
Alas, we know time will never rewind in any manner, it ticks on and on and on and on
I've been the product of my own mistakes, choosing the wrong people that were always fakes

I'm tired of fighting this battle...
I don't want to do this anymore
I'm done shunning her and closing the door

This should be considered an open letter because I can change to make life better
I fear the damage is done and she'll forever be on the run
I'm tired of fighting this battle...
I don't want to do this anymore
I'm done shunning her and closing the door
Chances come few and far between in life and so I fear I've run out although one thought stays true...

I would chose that girl one million times over
Though she'll never pick me, I'm broken, I'm shattered
She's always been the most perfect music to my ears, the soother of all my fears
She's an angel on the eyes and she wears no disguise, the teller of truths and not lies

Am I just far fetched dreaming?
Am I a torn man, ripping my seaming?
Am I really that forgone?

I'm still filled with doubt, the opposite of the colossus of clout
Can I ever catch this break, my heart being hers to take
I fear for the worst for I will never bee good enough for her, at least for now that's what is for sure.
Round and round the mind goes, where it stops...
Ian J Caldwell Jan 2016
why can't time just freeze so i can stop and take a breathe for a second
with each breath i draw in it will not calm my head that continues to spin
what is this life
why is this the way things go
someone get me off this crazy thing...

my lungs stay tight, almost as if each breath makes them grow tighter and tighter
i used to think i was such a fighter but now the heart, the mind, the sprit are full of nothing but doubt
what are these thoughts
why are things going this way
someone get me off this crazy thing...

i'm tired of this fight, for what it's worth, fighting for something that won't unearth
i just can't seem to figure it out and now i'm filled with doubt
what should i do
why should i
someone get me off this crazy thing...

i want to run, run, run away but just like the rest of time i decide to stay
if i don't stay then things won't change, i won't get to the next height
i will make it through this fight
what did you expect me to do
why don't i just up and run
it's just my work here is never done
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