I am drowning in a sea of anxiety...
Wait maybe I should put that differently
I am buried beneath worry
Well not so much that...
But I am definitely distraught
And at the very least I am very confused
About what you do to me
I mean here I am minding my own business
Trying to convince myself I am content in my loneliness
And then you show up
Seeing my efforts as all in vain
I'll have you know I was fairly happy pretending I was happy all along
And by fairly I mean not at all
But I had learned to hide that foot note deep enough
That no one would know
But you did didn't you
You saw how hard I was trying
To maintain the face
That I put on to cover the me that I didn't want to be seen
I tried with such desperation
Because truth be told I find it ugly
I have spent a vast amount of time
Looking and investigating the inner parts of me
And I really find it disgusting
Yet when you gaze through my facade I feel comfort
That you can look at me and not be afraid
Or revolted at what you see
Which confuses me more

let there be no bitterness in my heart
no regrets, no judgement that berates
let me walk on my path,
let there be birds that shall sing
let there be joy in my heart
and may that be shared by those that I
might meet on my way

let me not value, nor pass sentence
let me not frown, or smirk
let me have my path that is radiant
with no system, nor ownership
free of labels
and may I walk that way, my own
let there be the sun, the moon and space
all things that exist, in their nature
and let those Mighty Here and Above
know I will not follow nor will be followed
and if it need be, may others be pleased
when they shall see me pass by

She is still with me,
I hold her each dying day—
Creases on photos.

You said things
like perfect timing
and stars aligning;
I imagined constellations
of every galaxy
in every universe
conversing, adjusting
to a position
where we would collide
and I tried
and defied
those stars as best I could
because I knew then,
as I know now
If the stars gave me you,
I would never
give you back
And if there is such a thing
as equal
and opposite
reactions
I plan to defy
the laws of physics

I have no appetite
for pronouncements, platitudes
declarations, meditations and revelations
no patience for wisdom
and cogitations and much worse
regurgitations
no stomach for moanings and
groanings
musings, and working out meanings
much less about how your groin is today
I'd just like to
(like Renoir,  if I may,
just focus and work)
not to be anything,  no attempt
to be
just what is natural and easy
play and laugh
and when it's time
just *yawn and sleep

I woke up 35 today.
Thought it wouldn't feel
Any different from 34, but
This time...

I'll buy an extra few flowers
For my mother.
It's her day too.

I'll buy my dad a cigar and a
Cold one.
For all the gray hairs.

I'll thank my brother for
Being
Just that
For 33 years,

And my girlfriend for not
Minding what we
Both think
Might be the earliest whiffs
Of an 'old-man-smell'
On me.

It's the first rainy day in weeks.
I'll have a
Few beers too many tonight,
And just stand in the downpour.
I'm an adult now; I don't
Have to wear a raincoat.

It's my party and I'll
Laugh hysterically

If I want to.