Half a bottle of wine later,
my world falls apart again

I already know why
But I just want to keep on asking
Just to let it linger

Through these tears
Through my vision blurring
Just to feel it, to face it

For my healing,
accepting,
and my loving

-c.s.

Don’t know how, don’t know when
I just started looking for you every now and then
Can’t shake off the feeling that you’re always nearby
Knowing that it’s hopeless, don’t know why I try

Searching for you through countless faces
I'm everywhere pulling out all my aces
I must have already bumped into you before---
---maybe that’s the reason why I happen to finally open my door

I start to close my eyes and I’m suddenly in a different place
We’re caught in between winds leaving me in a daze
It’s all in my head but I can’t seem to make out your face
You remain a phantom—dangerous, but beguiling and made by grace

- c.s. (110213)

And alas,
the heart constricts to a jolting pang of pain
Your capability of aiming me at gunpoint
is inevitable
And here I am with my fragility
written all over  my face.

- c.s. (081417)

Retreating to your army
leaving me in abyss--
Saying all these things filtered
with metaphors you think I’d miss.
I know you know
when I start to feel things about this bridge.
Yet you pretend not to see,
you pretend not to hear.
We end up lost in translation.
And you’re now addicted to the attention.

- c.s. (081617)

To get lost and to let loose.
To lay down in the garden of Eden.
To breathe the air of serenity, to be free.
That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

But these inhibitions tie me down.
And these recurring wars never stop.
I never learn.

And I keep drowning in this sadness.
There is no way out.
Among the laughters across the table,
was mine that wasn't so genuine.

Because I’d get stuck in thoughts.
The kind that never helps.
Are you really happy?
Are you really okay?

I look at you in the mirror---
You’re full of love, but you’re full of pain.

- c.s. (090917)

Face wiped off from the colors,
hands wrinkled from the water–
Stripped off from all the clothes and accessories,
You’re all the same to me, suitcase of memories.

Woke up when the day was running,
though I stayed in bed until the sun was leaving.
That’s when I knew what the recurring dispositions meant–
You only ever call when it’s convenient.

I’d let it slide,
even though you had a lot to hide.
I did this a thousand times,
not knowing they were already crimes.

And now I’m bursting with emotions.
It's so heavy, like I’m carrying the whole nation.
I took a shot in the dark where the nightingales sing–
Guess I didn’t know what my future would bring.

So I just stayed in bed until the sun was leaving–
–forced myself to sleep, run away from everything.
’cause I always knew what the dispositions meant;
You only ever call when it’s convenient.

- c.s. (120217)

For how long must we endure--
--how long can we keep this up?
I keep waiting.
You keep waiting.


I’ve spent a thousand mornings,
spent endless somber nights,
saying 'I love you',
even when you’re not listening.


And when i’m alone,
the ceiling looms down over me;
giving more validity to this feeling, the truth---
that i want your touch, your affection.


And i’m getting too crazy with my mind,
but it’s always been like this.
Always have been.
It’s too much.


the needle in the haystack

- c.s. (050918)