We hang in the void
between two ancient beings,
their skin grey and cracking,
their arms stretching high.

We take in the moments
and count them like tree rings,
our hearts soaring freely
as birds in the sky.

A wisp of grass
'neath gentle sun.
A chance to dance,
to leap and run.
A gust of wind,
now warm and wet,
that hints at hot -
though not quite yet.
The birds they chirp,
and bells are rung,
the time is nigh -
this spring has sprung

I used to love reading
writing
learning
science
art
              You.

apathy overtook me,
and I've watched my life slip by in ruins
with blurry eyes
and a hazy mind.

now I'm learning that
when you drink enough whiskey
it tastes
     almost
          like
               love.

I shed my skin
in hopes of one day
waking with
memories of
fatal interactions intact
reacting to outside forces
rather than feeling feelings
I need to analyze
the rhymes I'm providing
and find myself once more
open the door
to the inside of my mind
and find who i am
behind all the walls I've built
pretty for other people to see
it ain't me
ain't us
ain't the me we need to be right now
or ever again
maybe begin
to question all the sins
we've been living in
these decades running together
like watercolor on a rainy day
make the pain go away
find our way to the end I pray

the feel of a scribble
a sentence
a sense of misdirection
of lips on skin
affection
back off my baseline i'm running scared from something i can't see
lips on lips on ***** on me
lose myself in the back of my skull
let the words come from somewhere
fumbling bumbling like bees
nowhere to be seen
break my spine bending backwards for people with no intention of staying
cry so violently the earth rumbles and shakes around me
lose my temper like a volcano
lose friends like it's my profession
confess my sins to gods who were never listening
praise my own name
I am light
I am power
I am blood made from iron and flesh born from a ****** womb
write my way to a padded room
baby sized coffins for shoes
why fear mortality when all i want is to sleep forever
let my love rain down like shooting stars
burn it down until the pain stops
regrow like a pine barren
death every night
rebirth every morning
disorienting dualistic cycles of existence
endless circles down the drain
so just ******* kiss me

I spoke with the ocean
and told her all about you,
how your flowing waves of green
remind me of her gentle blue.

I spoke about your eyes,
and the feel of every kiss.
She listened and she nodded,
and she said to write you this.

I spoke of our time together,
our sails flying at full mast.
This ship we've built is sturdy;
I have faith that it will last.

I met a boy
away from home
rolling across the way.
He made me feel
less alone
and lead my heart astray.

Though we spoke
and shared a kiss
we parted all the same.
My one regret
I was remiss
and don’t recall his name.

Tonight let's go to my place,
light some candles, lock the door.

We'll have your dainty wrists and ankles
bound and shackled on the floor.

Those bright red rosebud lips
will scream my name and beg for more.

I've got some plans for you
my fragile love - my filthy *****.

Once we were children
wandering in the woods without a care
drinking milk and playing pretend
the world was bright and beautiful
and the people we loved were always there
and the only thing we were scared of was the dark
and my father walked out of my life
and I let him.

Then we were teenagers
frequenting the bowling alley Friday night
chugging monster and shooting pool
the world felt a little colder
and the people we loved were slitting their wrists
and everyone was so afraid of growing up
and a boy put his hand in my pants
and I let him.

Now we are shaky adults
haunting local bars and frat basements
sipping whiskey and smoking joints
the world is a horrible place
and the people we love are never coming back
and we've seen all there is to fear
and all the boys want to **** me
and sometimes I let them.

You were the perfect storm;
you came in and uprooted my innocence
introducing me to things I'd never known.
The ground trembled and split from your love
and I fell down into the abyss that remained.

You were the perfect storm;
a strong, steady earthquake forever changing
the landscape of my heart and mind.
No one will ever have the power over me
and my entire being that you once held.

For that I am grateful.

Every night I fall asleep to the rhythm of your heartbeat and the gentle kisses you so generously offer. Every morning I wake up to your stupid, soothing alarm and attempt to listlessly ****** you from your tasks.

    You are safe and strong and like no one I’ve ever known. A calm, kind, neutral party whom I fear I may corrupt.
For there is unimaginable darkness within this heart of mine. And while you might be a pleasant distraction from the pain, your love alone cannot illuminate the murkiest parts of me.

    The love I feel for you is comfortable. Like a soft blanket and a warm cup of tea. There is no passion, no desperation, no ferocity to this affection - but it is strong nonetheless.

    You and I will never move mountains; so move your lips against mine.

    We will never discover the secrets of love; so tell me all of yours.

every day is grey
so why not fill it with a little green?
wash it down with a little burn
smoke until your lungs bleed
because every sunny day
leads to a bleak one
and maybe that's ****** angst
but it's all too much too soon
being ****** into adulthood
having never coped with adolescence

You're the note my heart was playing
yet it always sounded wrong

as though something were missing
when I tried to sing along

but after years of trying
I just couldn’t learn the song

This world is filled with
blue and black and red
and yet we’re raised to see it in grey.
This world is filled with wonders,
with mountains and oceans and plains,
and yet people focus on personal flaws.

My body is a landscape.

My thighs are road maps
to all the darkest parts of me.
These crisscrossing lines and curves
will show you where I’ve been.
There are some with similar maps
traced over skin in small bumps and ditches.
Yet I can’t even wear shorts in public
without people staring.

My body is a landscape.

I feel no guilt for this landscape,
and the ways in which I’ve marred it,
so I dress as I like, heedless of the stares.
But the moment I see someone’s eyes stop,
see someone’s expression change--
that is when I feel shame.

My body is a landscape.

The love we had
could not compare
to those we had before,

Yet there you are
in pain and tears
upon my bedroom floor,

You begged to stay
but when you left
I watched you from the door,

And though I've done
these awful things
I'll always love you more.

When I die
I’ll kiss the sky
and know at last for sure
if God is real
and if I’ll feel
a thing once through that door.

I’ll think of you
and wish to do
the things we did before
but know that I
had wished to die
and I would wish no more.

If I regret
the fate I’ve met
stone cold upon the floor
I might cry
for years gone by
but still have died a *****.

Kiss my lips
and grab my hips
and say you love me more.

Tie me down
and go to town
like I'm your little *****.

You ******* meant something to me.
We flirted and talked and held hands.
I asked you for your number in the cheesiest way.
We ******. And ******. And ******.
You saw my scars and told me about yours.
I wanted to know. I wanted to know all of it.

You whimpered and begged and said my name.
You told me what turned you on.
I tried my hardest to please you.
I WANTED YOU.
I still want you.
Because you meant something to me.

I told you I wanted you.
You said you weren't feeling it.
I tried. And tried. And tried. And cried.
Then you decided you'd rather **** someone else.
My friend.
The one people always choose over me.
I begged her not to *******.
She knew you meant something to me.
It hasn't happened as far as I know. Not yet.

Not yet.
But you haven't asked me in weeks.
You're looking for the one. I thought you were the one.
I'm just not lucky enough to be right.

You ******* meant something to me.
Still mean something to me.
But I wasn't good enough.
******* too.

Your cold-lipped kiss
is best of all,
and I still love you
through the thaw.
The fire fades
in summer's sprawl,
and I always lose you
in the fall.

I want you
like words cannot describe.
I want to feel your weight
pressing down on me.
Your gentle kisses
and soft touches,
they numb my mind.
Yet you stay illusive,
hovering on the edge of my bed.
And I lie awake,
staring at the ceiling,
the curtains,
the pillows,
wondering why you stay away
and I how might entice you
to join me at last.