My anxiety never stops
I've told you this several times but I suppose to a normal mind it does not compute
So I will tell you 10, 30, 100 more times
Knowing the words that I'm saying don't really get through
But one day you ask me..
What is it like inside your mind?
I tell you it's anxious and you look puzzled
as if I have just told you the grass was magenta.
I don't blame you. I don't understand often times myself.
But you ask me again.
"What is it like inside your mind?"
It's like having eyes in the back of your head
except instead of an extra set of eyes every sense is hightened to the point of omnipresence where you are everywhere yet you are no were
You're almost like a ghost but they all know you're there.
It's like being in a high speed chase with your rem cycle except MY thoughts never run out of gas.
And stopping is like trying to breathe underwater, you know it is impossible but out of desperation your body begs you to try. And you comply
Anxiety never stops and while you are absent mindedly holding me close, I am not there
My mind is 18 different places at once
You see my mind was never taught how to be at peace in someone's arms, only taught to play scenarios in my head of ways to leave before I can hurt or am hurt. But by now I've decided to stay.
While you are absent minded and filled to the brim with contentment my mind is going through millions of things wrong with my body and what I can do to make myself perfect in hopes to silence the voices that bark inside my head
While you are absent minded and just waking up in the morning my mind has been awake for days
my dreams are just empty spaces for my anxieties fill the voids of. My eyes may be closed but the inside of mind has been on high alert the whole time.
While you have been absent mindedly holding my hand in the car and am reliving an argument that has not happened because I am too afraid to say the words. You see nothing is wrong yet but my mind is a dessert of quicksand and it's so easy to fall in. And while you have been mindfully listening to the words I am saying I am panicking at the words you might say if you take it badly, not in the right way.
I have told you before.
My anxiety never stops but when you are absent mindedly holding me, looking at me as if I am some gift that could never be outdone. My heart slows, my voices are quick to remind me I'm nothing but when you tell me I am beautiful and my smile make you weak, my voices are silenced.
My anxiety still keeps my senses and full alert and I still notice little details and everything around me
but while you are there, absent minded and loving me with all that you have, my anxieties may be flooding my system but my heart is in your hands.
I am untouchable.