I can see the rays of light in the water
Its like dust only hotter
Its like you only not here.
Its like me only with out fear.

I can see everything.
With in the cooler on the porch
and the cat in the corner
The flame on the torch
which makes the air warmer
I can see everything.

I reach my hand toward you like i might be able to grasp you
But my finger tips just barely touch
Still I am glad I can feel you
Even though I can't clutch.

I am glad I can feel you
Even though I can't be you
I am glad I can feel you.

Pain always finds me, and I can say
That I am always happy at the end of the day.
I want to bleed out, and I want to go away...
Pain always finds me and I am always happy....

My nostrals breathe I know I am alone
There is no heart on my sleave, no one to call home
This universe is crooked and I am alone
I wished that you would at least reside in my home

Pain always finds me I hate you. I hate you
Pain always finds me I hit you I hate you.
I want to go away I want to bleed out

I swallow hard
Its not difficult for me to
Tolerate.....

Pain.



I dissociate on levels you would never understand
because its more difficult to consciously
hurt yourself.

its way harder to hurt yourself
than it is to just forget
That the veins your strumming
With the pick of a razor
are your own

I find my self infatuated
The thought of you
Center me in aspiration
For a better life.

Your cream is thought of
Purity
Your cream is thought of
pleasing me
You center me in thoughts of you
In aspiration for a better life.

Its psychedelic to lay with you
So I close my eyes.
I watch the darkness come over you
As you slip beneath the lights.

You seem so beautiful
in shades of black and blue
It seems so magical
To just lay here with you.


Its like your glowing
Eyes closed but view is flowing
I can see you in this darkness.

The serpent comes out to coil
Its up and down our spines
She lets us know we are royal
As she dances in curved lines

The Serpent fills me full
I can surge it into you
I can feel you pull
We both know what to do.

Ascension happens here,
In this loving bed.
Ascension happens here!
Not later when we are dead.

Shove me to the edge
And let me free fall from the dirt
Into the sky and upward
Like you had never seen before
In all the mortals that you shoved
I will be different.

seven seconds till you wake
Holding you until I ache
Seven seconds till you come
Seven serpents come undone.

Seven holes in the seams of the universe
and seven topics for the streams to converse

Seven days until we made it all
Seven tears until a cries a call.

Seven ways to show you love
seven failures, will end in shove.

Seven lies all right to your face
Seven Idols all in disgrace.

Seven Gaping vortexes waiting to be full
Seven lonely women thinking they are dull
Seven sad sadistic lives, all lived once
Nobody ever died twice.

Masochism
See i need you to mistreat me.
I expect you to defeat me
But you wouldn't
and I am confused.
See i like you but I am used to being used.
from a young age I was turned on to abuse
My mother said I liked it when she beat my ***
and I dont know how much of that is true
But i want mistreatment from you.
Or at least I think I do.

Sadism

I have suffered in this life to much
not to learn how to
enjoy it.

I want you to tell me i'm to much.
Try to destroy it.

Something about being broken,
and being breaking
and crying and ******

Something about all my history
all the things done to me,
I want them undone by you
By you doing them to me too.

I know you think I'm sick when I whisper

Hurt me.

But there is something inside me
hiding
and it needs you to hurt me.
It needs you to be the one
and we can pretend
that we are both having fun.

But me Im just reliving
****** up **** from my past.
and I pretend its some fetish some,
desire so strange twisted feat...
Some easy thing i keep discreet
but honestly its devouring me.

I've said to much although I haven't said enough

To explain to you the depth of my inner trials.

there is something with in me or around me
and its been trailing me for miles.

Wiring holding down and moving body parts
The will of all our coding is creating in the arts
its safe to say its some what the same but different in some other way.
Its safe to say it could be understood in a thousand ways so it probably should.
But floating on thought we think we think we hold our ground
and talking alot we think we think we think we are
wiring holding down and moving body parts.
Body parts equipped with magnetic hearts
Creating some fascist art
and hating some fascist art.


This is a song I wrote.
https://youtu.be/NxtF5ZIsPKw

Wavering at the top of the stairs...
She breaks.
Falls down the many steps once climbed
Shatters.
Looks into your eyes and she

COWERS.

Social was never clean and voices are always mean
Others, they feel nothing like she feels.
They know not the extent of what they have damaged
Child lost in the weeds of adult hood.
Woman left ravaged.

Uncover your face
I am sick of knuckles
with glistening whites
showing through the cracks.

You can't hide from me any more.

I adore you.

Melted down past the elbow.
I uncovered what was lost
Sheltered by the broken window.
Half a gram at what cost.

Feeding in to old addictions
I find myself quite moved
Even though it causes friction
There's something I must prove.

Needle habit in my mind
Or in my vein or in my heart
Need exposure, i can't find
Need to get over this needle part.

Tracks are scared,
My veins are hard
The bulges and numbness stay.
How was i to know
that this was a part
Or that I'd live with it today.

So tired and so sad,
Influenced by step dad
To take just a dab
I would stop feeling bad.

Just take this belt and tie
You're wrist or you thigh
I'll stick this in your vein
and then we'll both be high.

And then we'll both be high.

today I tearfully sigh at everything
Not sadly not joyfully
but tearfully.

My face reddens as I listen to the words of others.
Here the sound of the birds out side,
think of my dear friends and lover.
The tears will fall, i can not hide.

Have you ever just ... not thought at all

And in that moment felt a call

a deep panging with in your chest
a deep desire for a very deep rest.
A gull in  your throat, climbing out
emotion from your gut attempting to sprout.

Hot tears will roll and for no reason
You feel this emotion like you are aware of the season.
You know what it is, and that it will be leaving.

But in this moment, its forever and its real,
its the only thing touching you, the only thing you
Feel

Plants, and books, and dog cat bird.
Janis singing on the speakers, have you heard?
Smoke in the air, joint on the table.
Try to write, will I be able?
Wood couch, wood floors,  Nag champa burning.
You’re gone at work, and my heart is yearning.
Cobain, and Lennon stare from the wall.
Its already gotten so cold this fall.
Pumpkin on the porch, Dream catcher on the door.
You know I always love you more.

Painted sea bound rocket queen
Writhing in the ocean
She moved amongst the wind and sun
And caused a beautiful commotion
She flailed her body to rid it of
All the chains and ropes and gestation
That had begun to coil around her throat
She screamed in desperation.

Oh cycles of the great unknown
I beg you bid me rest
I've given in to your forces
I've beaten in my chest

Forgive my incompetance.
The seed is gone
and I'm afraid
There's nothing here
but repentance.

Can you laden my bones?
Anchor me to home
I want to be so warm
Where have you gone.


Can you laden my bones
Look at all the clones
Trying to get warm
When will they leave.



Fill my hollow
with your own marrow
Promise me a forever
some day tomorrow.


Bite into the bone,
Scrape it along the break
I can never be alone
thats when i make mistakes.

I'm breaking breaking away from the roots

I've grown ten more feet, strong fresh shoots.


And watch it climb the side of our old house


Laden my bones hold me down my dear spouse.

You speak to me in moments of apprehension and letting go.
You have given something to me and its clear I know.
God is this you, or some of your workers...
A thousand beams of light .
A voice in the darkness, saying, love you can see me
Just open your eyes.
I am gleaming Burning, SO bright.

Dear God if thats you, then why am I here...

If this isn't home Then I want to go.

I am like a child and I know.
I thought you did too.
I adjust kind of slow
And I am dependent on you.

So in the store today
When I didn't want to talk
You told me to leave
out to the car i should walk.
You handed me the keys
You looked kind of angry.
I quivered in my knees
I needed you to save me.

Alas alone, I scream like I'm angry.
My frustration leaves and it drains me.
I cry deeply for awhile,
why do you have to be mean to me.
I know childish isn't in style
but its the way I am and the way I'll always be.

You told me when you got back
that the childish **** needs to stop
if you ask me to try out a bed
that I can't glaze over like the ***** been dropped.


You say things like, annoying, and lack of common since
And these words are destroying and I am building a new fence.
One around me, you wont see over it.

I dont care about the mattress you can choose it
I just want a new one, the old one I want to loose it.
I just want a flat bed one not sinking in
I dont want to go talk with sales men
I need you to do that please.

Dare not to make me enter
Into truth speaking conference
With you I may just let it all
Loose
and then who would keep it tight.

Dear God you know not the things which enter
My mind.
You know not the many ways men have become
So Blind.
You will however wake up, be it now,
in a decade
In a century
and it will feel like a mild injury
assault in the first degree.
You will lick your wounds.
You found out to soon,
Always find out to soon.

I'm sick of ****, so wasted too
I'm ******* sick youth ****** by you.
I called the cab, who never came
At least before we were the same.

You get to sick you get to ****.
You get under my ******* skin.
Not like the drugs, the needles then
You take me over, i refuse to win.

I need release I need some peace
I need your love to ******* cease.
I'm tired here I'm wasted near
I need no love from you dear.

I'm sick of you. You call me too
Think I'm a friend, an enemy
I'm fed up with you. Just nice to you
I just don't want to be mean.

Oh, your giving into your second guesses
Like so many times before
And yet you went to sleep last night,
with your keys still in the door.

Panic never fills you
when the time is right
Show me all your logic
Darkness ridden in its light.

Betray is such an easy word
an easy form an easy play

Hold me against all this world
For one night for all days.

Beg me for my understanding
Oh I'll give you understanding.
Make me your martyr
I will suffer
ever harder.

Your words are confection
and My ears need protection
or else your flattery will rot me
Like sugar on the teeth

Creature of the poppy feild
What type of pain you ask I feel ?

Shades of Green and reds for show
Drink the nectar and move so slow.

Picker of the Niferous pods
The flowers bloom the croaks of frogs

Seeds will suffice in any matter
The better the pods they grow the fatter

Mothers milk some may say
couldnt survive hades any other way

On second thought I will try romance
I will try growing plants
I will run and kick and sing and dance
on second thought I am two
One with out and one with you.

One with love and one with hate
One with Need and one with ate.

One with Give and one with take.


Hahaha. Youll never understand

I am  Lucifer, and I am Christ the man.

I am both and I am all and
Am risen while I am fall.

I am fallen angel here,
and risen dead soon to bear

the light of the world the great sensation
The magnetism of the planets the great vibration.

Sounding off those ringing chords in my mind there's no explanation but I won't get myself into a fit. Panic never healed a thing. I'm wondering home much of this is orchestrated from behind the scenes and how many of the things i think are really mine. Is it possible.... no don't go to that thought. Night mare vision panic ensues. Keep it beautiful. Think it through. Beauty beauty only you. Maybe I'm safe, that's option two.

I punched m y self today
Amidst to many thoughts
And helplessness.
An over whelping hopelessness.
A tired soul an active mind
I've been thinking thoughts with to much weight.
Seeing people walk around living their lives is begining to make me feel
Like....
There's already enough going on in the world
Like plenty of people will do plenty of things.
Like what's the point in one more person fumbling their way through life.
I'm going I'm going.
But it's not out of hope.
It's put of guilt and fear.
When I think of my husband
While I think of my uselessness
I feel such a deep sorrow.
Not because I feel like he needs me.
But because I know that he loves me.
And I know that he would some how feel guilty.
And I'm tired. I'm so ******* tired. And I'm frustrated because I feel guilty. For being tired. And what sounds so lovely is sleep for ever. I don't hate myself. I don't even want to **** myself. I just don't want to be alive because my ******* tired. I'm so tired of day to day life that I could **** myself. I'm so tired of all of it. I love my husband very much. So so much. He is the sweetest most christ like being I have ever met and I am happy with him. I think he's perfect. There's nothing he could do to become a better person to me. It's not that that's not good enough. It's that I'm to tired. It's like having a really nice meal when your not hungry. You love it it looks great it smells great it makes you happy. But it doesn't make you hungry. I don't have much a a drive to be alive and I don't know why.......
I just wish I could hit the pause button shut everything off and nothing existed any more.
They say this is a temporary feeling... that it goes away..... but why does it always come back.