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228 · Apr 2017
Break out
Temperament means so little
to the one who lacks control
and  I fly off the handle
Because its all I know.

Self guidance is something missing
From about a every single soul
Each one hunting for blissing
But getting stuck far below.
227 · Feb 2017
three I weaken
The flesh is enlarged, bigger than the mind
I am afraid we have forgotten what to find.
And in all of this confusion I still Lose the sight
In all of this ruin,  I can barely fight.
227 · Jun 2019
Counter papers
Weary becomes my heart
in the lessening of sweetness
just to look into your eyes
I hide my own neediness

In such a disguise
you break all of the rules
you believe my pride and fallacy
you believe in fools.

those who say they need not love
those who say they're strong
those who hold it all together
but break before to long.
226 · Oct 2018
Purist
How can I be me,
when every single thing
is like a suppressant
For my entire being.

Caffeine, nicotine  
Sugar and the rest

everything I consume
is a pacification at best

I'd like to be free,
Unaltered in the mind
A purist in action
a thought so refined.
226 · Feb 2017
Connection
Make me Your bark
Your branches and leaves
and be my roots
Which bring me life and peace.

You can relax lay upon the ground
And I can be the one that will hold you down.

Make me your ray
reaching into the sky
Fill me with your love
So that we can both fly

Move through my body
into my depths
Lay on the ground
So that you can rest.

I will cover you With my folds.
I will hold you Until we are old.

So make me your woman
Your love your desire
Make me your ladder
So that we both can climb higher.
226 · Mar 2017
3 degree angst
I am so sick of nothing I have this angst that wont leave.
I have this hate that can't breathe, I have anger that wants to seethe.
I am so sick of ******* and so sick of breathing and so sick of living when will I be leaving. I am so sick of me, and I ******* love you and this hate that I have  it has nothing to do
with your love and your face and your beautiful voice
Your slow talking pace and your perfection in choice.
You heart and your **** and you name and your whole.
Its not you that makes me sick  its the lining of my soul.

I have this anger that is rotting my tongue and my teeth
this hatred that is budding  and has been for weeks.
and months and years my entire life,.
This hate that i have is causing all strife.

I am ****** and moody and I ******* hate it
I want you to woo me, try to change it
But i have to myself I have to make it.

I just hope i get out before we get jaded.
226 · Feb 2017
So Hate
I'm sick of ****, so wasted too
I'm ******* sick youth ****** by you.
I called the cab, who never came
At least before we were the same.

You get to sick you get to ****.
You get under my ******* skin.
Not like the drugs, the needles then
You take me over, i refuse to win.

I need release I need some peace
I need your love to ******* cease.
I'm tired here I'm wasted near
I need no love from you dear.

I'm sick of you. You call me too
Think I'm a friend, an enemy
I'm fed up with you. Just nice to you
I just don't want to be mean.
225 · Mar 2017
pressure
Sweet talking delirium
Am I losing my composer
Or are these ancient spirits
truly drawing closer

Have I been given some key
Some formatted puzzle
Something to see
Beyond a rebuttal

Beyond some words that can be drawn false
224 · Jan 2017
Mother
Embers still glow from a fire long burned out
And I warm my fingers there above the smoke.
In the back of my mind I can still here you shout
But in the front of my mind i pretend its a joke.

You never truly wanted me it was just desires plan
To bring me into a world unaccepting and so very cold.
But I could have been saved or killed by your hand
Instead I am forced to travel alone to the age of old.

You brought this upon me like some destiny giving jester
and in my infant flesh i knew nothing of escape
But had you known i was going to be such a pester
You would have sooner pulled back the drape.

You would have lifted the veil on my  baby brain
and you would have left me to my device
you would have told me we are all insane
you would have then left me for the lice.

which you always did in the end
Its just now that I am realizing it.
224 · Mar 2018
Procrastinate
Drymess edges to the back of my throat
I tried to find the spring.
All of the paths had begun to erode
mind just wasn't up to thinking.

We could have avoided this, had we prepared.
We could have lived
Now live's been ensnared.

Survival critical to play anymore
Second guesses were lost time
And I was ready to explore
But God ****** the mind.
224 · Mar 2020
Writers block
Well, I find myself gone silent
In moments when I don't
Want to not say a word
But if i can't I won't

And its horribly depressing
to be self paralyzed
Like I've no voice to speak with
No words my tongue can rise.

So now i sit in wanting
Of expression in this day
But i can't find a single word
To think nor that I'd say.
223 · Jun 2018
be born
Your vortex is a vacuum
And you pull and pull and pull
I try to center you
In the center.
But your forcing your way through.
Swallow hard just convey your cowardice

I'm quick to let him enter.....

Down here where the concretes cool

My arms around you

then your gone........

It snowed sand the other night

i was shocked and awed  

but then i looked up and it got it my eye


Scratched my retina

snow blind

Your brightness wasn't beauty after

your brightness was beauty in the end

i should have seen your glory was a *******

hole in the back of your head

your brightness wasn't  beauty

it was arrogance.
223 · Aug 2018
Blended
Soakers threading into me
My atoms molecules of me
my patterned skin
my pores and holes
my gaseous aura
my melting pose.

Soakers pushing into me
tricking me with some instinct
and moving in and coming home
and knowing that im not alone.
223 · Feb 2018
For my sweet husband
Down to the bone
I'm sure your skeleton will look beautiful
when one day we die
and a thousand moments pass us by
for eternity.

It makes me sick to think of your flesh suffocating
your blood clotting in your body
But it will
and my heart will die along with you.

Despite my daily composure
those 18 years lingering between us,
You my senior
jesus christ its agonizing.

At just now 21
and you just now 40.
at five years deeply inlove.
at five years inseperable
ever single day
with the laughter we share
and the compliments passed back and forth
and the moment
oh this perfect moment
in which we float
no time
no age
just you and I
eye to eye
face to face
equals
and then my thoughts fade.
and I dont worry so much
I dont hurt
at the thought
of you dying
and then some one dies.
and im reminded.
That 18 years
you my senior
and the idea
drains me.
222 · Feb 2017
stranger
Secretly  I have stored things
and you will never see them
never break them
never free them
never take them.

They are mine and you wont hate them.

Secretly I am so many things
That you have never known

Not known me like a father knows his daughter
Or a lover knows her bed.

You dont know what causes me to falter
Or what lays inside my head.

You dont know the panging of my stomach
the growls would raise the dead.

You dont know me
I'm feeling confused,
Not knowing if denial is the right word for liver failure.
You always were so sick
It's like it never occurred to me you could die.
And I'm still laughing and sarcastically acting
Like this is what Ive waited for.
I've been telling people you were dead for 3 years
Because my relationship with my mother
Was to hard to think about.
It was easier for me to pretend you were dead.
But now I find myself edging tears neurotically repeating my chosen mantra for the week

She won't die, she couldn't die... right?

I don't know how many times I've thought that confronting the harsh truth of the life you chose to live.
You've always been so sick
So sick and mean.
And Ive waded through every last memory I had of you
Every day since you let me know
How many days has it been
4.
And none of them gave me the closure I was hoping for.
I found myself insecure and unassured of your love all over again
I found myself feeling rejected by your personality.
I found myself still so desperate for the relationship we could have had.
Had you controlled your anger
Controlled your resentments
Controlled your drugs habits
Your out rageously childish rebellion
But instead I see you as some one who was always mean to me .
Who I just so happen to be madly inlove with and all I wanted to dO was mean something to you
I wanted you to like me
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to just make you happy
So you could love me but it didn't happen.
And you've destroyed your body by 43.
Your livers failing now
Because you didn't get your hep c treated
And I know I shouldn't want to save you it would be a waste, make myself weak so you can abuse another part of me all over again
But I wonder what the chances of us being a match is
And I wonder if being your daughter would make the lupus less of an issue in transplant, and i wonder if maybe you would finally understand the type of loyalty and love I've had for you
Uncomfortable
222 · Feb 2017
WISH
I wish that you would love me, the way that i love you.
I wish you were sentimental and did the things i do.
I love all of the work you do and how you take care
Its just some times i feel like lifes not fair.
You pay my way and make me proud
please don't misunderstand
You make my heart pound
and I've given you my hand.
But I am a woman insecure
and this i know you know for sure.
So please love me babe like i love you.
Please do the things that i do.
221 · Apr 2017
Its there
My dreams fall like drops from clouds
down to my feet and meet my gaze.
I was never very... Out going...
I never knew how to take what I wanted
I politely waited in silence for it to be given..

And when it never came I just simply
withered away a little bit more, one at a time
the light in my cells faded to a quiet
dim,
barely lit glow and I am just happy they still shine,
even just a little bit.

But I can't lie, the difference, is *noticeable
221 · May 2017
Seenoverdistance
Pain always finds me, and I can say
That I am always happy at the end of the day.
I want to bleed out, and I want to go away...
Pain always finds me and I am always happy....

My nostrals breathe I know I am alone
There is no heart on my sleave, no one to call home
This universe is crooked and I am alone
I wished that you would at least reside in my home

Pain always finds me I hate you. I hate you
Pain always finds me I hit you I hate you.
I want to go away I want to bleed out
219 · Feb 2017
Reality
I was speaking with God last night
He was pretty clear, he said
I am with everything and
I am always here.
He said I am the choice you make,
The will you take
the hearts you break.

He said I AM your will for life,
and I AM your husband and wife
and I AM the love you give
to every one, and your self.
He said beware, Of endless suffering
and becareful not to let it in
He said watch out for the scoundrel pity
Because You will lose site.

There is, this ever turning flow,
Its to teach us, how to grow
and its painful yes I know
But its worth it, and that shows.

See the scars on my arms, they are very old
and they fade out, but they never go
and i try hard, each and every day
to try to live my life a Better way.

Because thats GOD< The desire to be better.
Thats God, sending love letters
Thats God, connection with others
Thats God, letting Go.

Some people hurt you
thats because they are hurting
and its not your fault
and you weren't deserving
but they didnt know better
because we all want to be good.
We all try for justification
and try to do what we should.
Sometimes things go wrong,
and we impose
COme on to strong,
step on others' toes
But we have to heal we have to
learn to let Go.
219 · Jun 2017
Truedom
Tame this tongue
to long to run
I catch my phrases
a beat to short.
And when they blast
the feeling lasts.
I've given you support.
Don't be fooled
nor ridiculed
I'm not into to soothing says.
Would you rather me lie
when there's no food left
and you couldn't eat for days?
219 · Apr 2017
Wedme
Dried flowers catch dust just like Archaic decoration

and You told me you loved me in a kind of declaration


I never wept for joy except for joyful pain

and you never told me anything good

Just made me question sane...
219 · Feb 2017
Feeling
Sour like grapes not quite ready to be borned.
And pityfull like a fetus not yet fully formed.
You break me like wire snaps under force.
and we wait until night to announce such divorce.

Bitter like acid under your finger nail
and you chew them unsuspectingly.
ANd I told you boy that I am not frail
Not in the sense, not to any degree.

But I am Weak and I am Insane
and I am gone,  and I've been lane
Out for all of you to see.
218 · May 2017
Teeter you
When I choke I like to smile
To let you know to stay awhile
Cause when I choke I want you to know
It may hurt but dont leave me alone

I love you in a child like way
and You will appreciate my heart
Because innocence will give away
what fear has tried to covet.

When I choke I try to laugh
Just so you know this life hasn't past
and one day you'll breathe through these lungs.
One day we will laugh cause we wont be young.
218 · May 2017
Psycho
Are you god? Am I real?
Whats left of this life,
why can't I feel.
Golden Rod, Fire seal!
Feasting on hearts for every meal.

You drift through breeze like feather fall leaf
and I admire that.
The sun makes me sneeze and the feeling is brief
But i enjoy that.

Are you God, Am I real
None of these lives are ours to ****
Are you God? am I real?
Summer will be fun, at least fall until.
218 · Dec 2016
Ever Present Need
Fingers stretch to catch something out of touch
And reach for those things clearly never seen.
Looking for something but never getting much
And still left to wonder what it really could mean.
Wavering, in and out of knowing and unknowing
Simply bidding to short a chain to lead
Chaos is evident in all of this throwing
But there is that ever present need....
And  that liquid relaxation That ever present need,
Weaving in and out of you and them and me
I struggle for foundation and I struggle in temptation
And I haven't even found myself in this wide consuming creation.
Not, just yet, and I plan a head to day but not for my tomorrow.
FOr that ever present need.
217 · Mar 2017
Mouth
Giving to you was something
I never really understood.

In my mind idea's were formed.
And to love you was simple.

I knew nothing of giving.
I only knew, receive, admire.

I am a woman.

But I have taught myself to forgo
the urge to receive,
and I have taught myself to learn
the pleasure of giving.

And when you say its instinct
and you think you like it better...
When you say its spiritual
and not just secondary weather....

I see the reason.
217 · Dec 2018
Play it out
Jackknife and so intolerable so  flexible
Sway again and i crumble.
How momentary relief shuffles in

I'm late and terribly sorry
sweat dripping down its face
but i must be going now...

How appropriate of all of you

Your observation of my insignificance.
217 · Mar 2017
Cause of Effect
Sub sequence
Domino
I am left
No where to go
You are right
and this we know.

Sub sequence
High then low.

You fall for me,
I taper so.

I love you now
You've some where else to go.

Sub sequence,
You move in shades of progression
One step two step
Funeral wake and then per-session .
216 · Apr 2017
Walls
I have not yet one single thing
To tell you about the inside
My mind is just a simple thing
and you would find it hard to find.

I can't word the thoughts i hear
and I can't write them either
and if i held you near
You may feel it in my ether.
216 · Apr 2017
Old age
There there angel face dont cry
I'll move away from the wound
You can lick it by yourself
Ill just watch you

There there
Queen of the ******
You Lovely women
who love your man
You have me driven
you have me band
I am not sorry.


There there
little girl
you squirm
I am you father,
daughter never learn
There there
little child
don't move
I want to see
whats inside you.

You grow like a wild flower
In the middle of spring
You grow with love and Power
Nothing left to give me

I see you there, child, innocent
I see you clear, My lover,

Increments
of Gold,
and mercury
surround you

Dare not old

Age, let if find you

Wither with me
into age
Fade with me
Fade away

Into finality infinitely

We move into

Infinitely
we move into old age
216 · May 2017
Grewn
i can't seem to accept that notion,
or find anything else to do...
but just cry sometimes..

and i cry sometimes,
God knows me well
he knows my voice
, and he can tell I am sorry...
God knows my voice and he can tell
I am greif strickin,
why did we have to lose that chance.

Our own unique....... well you know.

a little ..... something to real to say...

and now an everlasting "someday"

Its everlasting for me, oh orange rings sing so beautifully
like it was made in me....
and it was....

You know it was....
how real was that,
as real as me,
or not quite....
right... not to me.
215 · Feb 2017
Children of Urchens
Secretions of compassions
Given unto those who feel not

love from those they need.

Who feel not their souls
which need be freed

Who feel not they could
Ever succeed.

Secretions of Love
Given to those
who are pure as a dove


But suffered like Christ.

The innocent, not yet taught
Of responsibility,
and Clarity
and control
of your mind.
The innocent who have been

Hung on the cross

Forced to suffer

for no apparent reason.
215 · Aug 2018
Oh revelations
Cater to the charms of sand stocked lots
waiting for the wind to blow away the dust
and reveal a subtle beauty in the rock.

I tried to help but i think i'm lost

and lonely in a greater way
than some one with out some one

I guess you could say...

I had a great revelation
a feeling, a sway
and in this realization
God took you away

he said I'd never know you, never known you

and I think he was right

I can see your face by the sun and its light

But I cant hear your thoughts,

or at least i'm not sure

and I cant live your brain
and I cant endure

all the separate
all the gaining mature


I cant know you, and i cant be for sure

of what you are thinking, and what you think and who you are

Like what are you thinking are you close or are you far
what are you thinking, Ill never hear those thoughts
and it drives me insane and I feel very lost
214 · Jan 2017
to sister
Break your face on the reflection,
make no mistake there in lies perfection

Waste all that precious time of yours,
trying to get your act more together than hers.

I've seen you, making your self up.
Does it feel futile yet have you had enough.

You walk down the street with an aura of self consciousness.
Tell every one you meet, how hard you really tried for this..

I've watched you blame,
a temper uncontrolled.
I've seen you shamed,
man doesn't it get old.

Do you ever stop to think about what you are trying to be....
And if you ever did can you say you tried  sincerely.

Break your heart in the glass.
You can't be fake, it never lasts.  
Problems are easily hidden,
but you'll find yourself totally undriven.
I can see who you want to be,
but clearly you can't see.

YOur so bogged down
with all that plaster,
your so trapped in
life is your master.
Watching a Younger sibling come of age is difficult.
214 · Mar 2017
Sweet man
Your lips look like shades of summer morning sky
and when i look into your eyes the reflections seem like clouds
hovering over two pristine earths, all blue with patches of brown.
You make me stutter and stop directly in my path
I must pause just to look at you, gaze at you, feel that love
that flows so effortlessly between us.

Your eye brows are like the grasses that cover plains so delicate
or like the soft hair whiskers of a feline they protect you in such subtle ways. and I appreciate them for the sweat and dirt that they have help out of those beautiful eyes.

The creases around your face all seem to point to the most effortlessly perfect parts of you and they accent them so humbly.

Enough enough I love you okay.
213 · Jan 2017
SUN Capture
There is sound on the horizon
And color, shade, and cloud
And its you I keep my eyes on
Bright and burning, loud.

There is vibration in the universe,
I can feel it in the air
and when i took the skin off
It left me looking bare

But i want whats with in
Like ripping the flesh back
I want whats hidden
Like fulfilling the lack

Its you I look to,
and the base of the horizon
Its you I need
Your who i keep my eyes on
You have lit my life,
Brought me direction
Information
A little diddy about the beauty in the sky
213 · Jan 2017
Like Christ
I’m reaching up to the sky. Oh I’ve been stretching so long its getting old.
Eternal but will I die, Only if this weakening soul gets sold.
Its easy to think about me, very small, very weak.
Its easy to think about you, very large in love, i already knew.
But I am reaching up to the stars for that everlasting moment,
I am stretching all my bones, just to try and hold it.
The attainment of Perfect mind, a heaven some may say.
The borning out of blind, an eternal lasting day.
And the quiet in my brain will lure it in, yes the stillness of my mind
WIll forget all of the sin, and in this cleansing moment, I will be forgiven.

They say you must hang, the cross be your stand,
Die and be reborn the third day.


And Jesus ******* Christ.
Yes I want to be just like him.
Aspiring Savior
Those vitaman's taste good not in my throat
My tension so tight
My esophagus pressurize upward
Before anything can fall down wards
And I'm removing and rejecting
Sustence for escaped air
Or rather unescapable air
Trapped in the center of my throat
Below the voice box
Above the acid pit
And directed exactly
To push on my lungs
Lean on my heart
And it's going I think but I'll tell you this
It's weaker anyway
And will be
When I poison myself
With lies about where courage come from...
It's not from this if I didn't make myself clear...
It's not from begging for cardiac arrest with hunger suppressants
Which take over your entire being.  
Like I said, clamped down so tightly is my tension that my esophagus lets not a thing out nor in.
212 · Oct 2018
Gross
**** what they said
I never understood it anyway
I was higher standing if anything
Or less than that I was fading away.
212 · Feb 2020
pseudo
Passion rolls away

Me I'm feeling pain

I thought that we would grow

I thought that we would gain.
211 · Aug 2020
KURDT
Oh how you stare in your infancy
at corners in the room
and how my heart complies with every ahh and ooo
And never did i know if i could love you
but from the moment you were born
I certainly do
and how sorrowful you were on that very first day
and how pain filled the sound of everything you say
When life was brand new, you on earth side
When you came forth and i could no longer hide
all of your beauty the hiccups that you had
when you where with in me but sometimes i feel sad
that now you are hear, live your own life
like when we were one i could hide you from all strife.
And now you will age just like I and your dad
and now you will anger some days you will feel bad
And i wish that i could save you
from all of this world
but our love was your creator
and here you are hurled

and the least we can do is be here for  you
and try our very best to create more for you
a life thats worth living more than we had
Always we are giving, keep you from being sad.
211 · Jan 2019
Geometric Projections
Marked for blasphemy I suppose
He came to me in a Rain drop Robe
and a Crown of Clouds above his mind

A figure of reflection no other could find.


His cascading streams fell into a body,
which i felt i knew so well,
But when i spoke of his philosophy
My elders warned me of the burning hell

But I could not hate my Soul,

This friend, some astral light,

and when he told me not to fear their god

I knew that he was right


Marked for blasphemy I suppose

God came to me in a rain drop robe

and said You Girl, I know your name,

I speak it in the thunder and i speak it in the rain
210 · Mar 2017
Not your best work
Seams so sacred
Till you rip them open
then inside
You've exposed them
rotten sutures
thread destroyed

Silly ideas
You thought
and you toyed

Never work out
You thought and  employed
a thousand wrong examples
To explain the right idea.

A million wrong translations
For a single right idea.

Love your fellow as you would yourself.
210 · Mar 2017
Learning to be
Sudden movement scares me,
But I will breathe smoke until my brain hurts.
Until my eyes strain to focus and the inscent
completely fills the room and my lungs.

Don't ever lean toward my front door because
I will feel you leaving
and I will lose all common since
all maturity.

Tongued tied I sometimes lie
for the satisfaction of speaking
when i know not what to say
and I am working on this habit
trying to learn a new way
but if you get me in this moment
and you try to tear me down
my ego will be fighting
you will have to shove me in the ground.

Because some things keep me going
and some keep me alive
and some things keep on growing
and some they will die
but I can tell you something
God did get it right
cause everything I need
is found right in my mind.
209 · Feb 2020
crash
Murdering connection,
                        or convenience in our ties.
How you'd rather tell a thousand
                               painful thought up lies
To pull me down and shake me up
                                           and make me suffer so
Because your angry about one thing
                                           and feeling such such woe.
Funny how you would destroy
                                                all that we create
In one snap of an instant
                                       while your feeling hate
Crazy how you'd shift and move
                                                               all the blame to me
When I had just pointed out
                                               one single flawing thing.
Painful how I see you now
                                               so ugly
                                                              Once so beaut.
Funny how I hear you now,
                                            once loudly
                                                             now on mute
209 · Apr 2018
Blisteree cornia
Where is the center of me
In side tubing
Or clipped to the blinds?
Seizure sedation
Coma dream
I'm shaking my own crust
At a whim to escape.
Do you see with those eyes
Which looked disfigured
To my insecurities
My own temptations.

My failings say you are faulty
Can I accept we both have our
Trials.
And that intolerance of your blemishes
is fear of my own.
209 · May 2018
tear down the wall
Symptomatic of mental disarray
Questioning of every single thing.
Wanting to feel some type of purpose
Needing to speak but being oh so nervous.
That you would not relieve this mind
That you would not want to be mine
So totally.
So totally.
Will you want to receive me
If I shed my skin
If I try to begin
If I want to beckon you in
Would you receive me?
Want to relieve me
If I took off my clothes
If I spread out my toes
Would you need me
Want me and bleed me
Speak and decree me.
If i show what nobody knows
And those inner wirings
And what's below
Would you want me
If I show
Would you love me
If you could really know.

I would like to speak
And I would love to show
But the things inside
I would like to hide
But I want you to know.
209 · Mar 2017
Feeling
I never fit in to
those one size fits all
catagories.
I was always to slim
or to wide.
and sometimes while listening to music
i can see myself and feel myself.
expand, or contract
and its like, in each phase of life i go through,
I'm either expanding
or shrinking.
and I dont know if one is good and the other bad,
but i know its sensational,
not painful, not joyful
its real.
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