she disappeared into the shadows of the night,
skimming through the uproarious parties
like stone across the lake
until she sunk into
the gruesome arms
of another man
behind my sleeping back.

and there he was, pounding away
like some big dumb animal
at something I held sacred
as if bonds were meant to be broken
and boundaries were made permeable

and there she was,
taking it,
loving it,
enjoying it,
doing it to spite me
and knowing it would hurt.

and there I was, the last to know
in the dark circles of whispering
secrecy

it’s the all-too-familiar cycle
of passion and appetite;

swallowed by the underbelly of lust and
tormented by the foretaste of my presence

I can’t blame them,
I can’t blame myself,
it’s only nature
taking
its course.

and I can’t say this is written
about anyone specifically,

when it happened

far too many times.

I was so scared of loneliness
that I held on to hands
that never reached for me first.
I kept people like ornaments—
pretty to look at,
but hollow when touched.

I hate how broken they left me,
how I poured myself into them
and they never thought to catch me.
I twisted myself into someone
they could love,
but they never even tried
to understand me.

No reciprocation,
no effort,
just me,
dragging dead weight,
convincing myself that someday,
maybe,
they’d see me the way I saw them.

But love isn’t meant to be begged for.
Understanding isn’t a favor.
I should have known—
that if I had to hold on so tightly,
then maybe they were never mine to keep.

Now I stand alone,
and for the first time,
I realize loneliness isn’t the enemy.
It’s the empty space where I finally
make room for myself.

~
This forbidden city
walks on water,
keeps all the undesirables at bay,
it's always a balancing act.

Oh, blighted court
of Catherine the Great,
thy friends are having a hard time,
but horsing around, no less.

Enlightened by summer drugs,
and busting out of
their tops and castles,
thongs on thy feet,
and thongs on thy bottoms,
this zenith and this nadir
come in colorful collages,
everything else is a flash of flesh.

Sped along by
frequent bloodletting,
there's a revolution in
thy teenage mind,
a looking for the hidden
and interested motives,
but no one can live
their life on the skis.

Rulership of heart is far
from recreation,
but you raised
a smile to sin,
until all we could do was
shake our heads and laugh.
~

Head to toe,
I am trying to stretch my toes
Lying on the bed.

Crying on quite late
It's like world wishes well but out to get me,
It's some kind of curse or a blessing,
I don't quite know.

I would hope to run and go
But there is no hiding.
In this simulation
We are trying to play,
But needless to say
We are quite good at losing,
Nothing is really of our choosing.

Miracles come in if you let them in
Trust is a game, quite demanding.
I don't know, which road I am walking
Indeed it's late, I could be sleeping,
But here I am pondering
The ideas come in a bind
I dont feel the world rise
the thirst is untimed.


Toe to head,
My weary feet, the growing heat
still up upon on the bed.

Recall the day, the miles they trod
Each step a choice, a nod from God?
Or just the path laid out for me
In this grand play, for all to see?

My legs feel heavy, muscles tight
From battles fought, in fading light.
My heart still beats, a steady drum
Though sometimes lost, and feeling numb.
My hands lie still, their work now done
Though yearning still, for someone's sun.

My thoughts still race, a restless tide
Where hopes and fears can't truly hide.
My eyes stare up, into the dark
A silent question, leaving its mark.

My head now rests, upon the sill
Of sleep's soft door, against my will.
Perhaps in dreams, a truth I'll find
Beyond the thoughts that cloud my mind.
From toe to head, I'm just a soul
Trying to make myself feel whole.