Anytime i've had a little wine, and i'm feeling as if the world is against me, certain memories like to flood my brain.

One time I almost told you I loved you
because I knew you wanted to hear it.
and another time I let you put your tongue down my throat,
because I knew you wanted to do that, too.
Who was I to say no?
You were nice. You let me pick all the records out.
You bought all the wine. You let me talk and complain, and talk and complain.
So who was I to say no?
Want another ***** cranberry?
yes
Want to take this hydrocodone?
sure
My friend is in town and has real good coke!
ok lets do it

Motels. Boxed wine. Cigarettes. Pills.
(my love language apparently)
I can still see myself wandering the narrow halls of a highway budget motel, looking for an escape, but knowing there wasn't one.
You were passed out on the bed, exhausted from a night of drugs and drunk ***. (Oh, you poor, tireless thing!)
You looked dead almost. Dead but pleased. It pleased me to think maybe you were dead. Then I realized that would be a complete **** situation.
I sat there and poured a glass of wine and stared at you. (by glass of wine, I mean cup of wine. The thin plastic mouthwash cups that come with the motel room)
Nope, not dead. So I took the hotel key and snuck out with the plan of not returning, as if I could actually get away with it.

I found myself at the motel pool. I lit up the last cigarette and sat there.
I think my soul left my body as
I listened to the cars zoom by on the highway. The freedom they had. They were going home to their loved ones. Or, at least they weren't stranded at a 1 star motel with a master manipulator.
I sat there,
wrapped in the invisible chains of lies and regret.
Just sat there. Soul-less.
And then it dawned on me..
I can't leave. I can't make this grand escape I had planned in my head.
So out went the cigarette,
and out went the light in our motel room.
As I crawled into bed,
You were snoring and
the sun was about to come up.
I had never wanted a sunrise more in my life.
And you just laid there and snored, as I lied there wishing I had more drugs to put me out of my misery

new anxiety
new fears
new irrational thinking
new negative thoughts
new things that i'll probably never do
and new things I wont want to do
new disappointments
new lows
new breaking points
new year
but not so new me

I have these dreams I'm losing
all my teeth
Feet are stuck in sludge
fingers caressing me

Love & feeling
the latter is killing me
I know you think it's me,
but I ain't no prize
worth
possessing

It's been one year since you dropped in my life
unwanted
like a stray cat that claims your porch as their new home.
How easy it was to fall for your ruse
to give you water, shelter, endless attention
to lose myself entirely, all for you.
You should know, when given such attention, a wild animal will stay.
They rule you now.

It's been a year since the loom of your existence
& that hot, hot summer.
You, a mosquito ******* all my blood, all my energy.
Once you were full and licking your lips clean,
you drifted away
Or should I say, you became
disinterested.
I was not pretty to you
but I was convenient enough
for you to dip your claws in
to use me, toy with me
A classic game of cat and mouse
I lost, of course.

It's been one year
since you took my soul and wrung it out like a rag
and hung it up on the clothesline
left for good out in the summer heat
to dry it up, to a crisp.
(My memories keep going back to how sweltering hot it was that summer)
My car with no A/C,
your sweat beads dripping down your scalp,
down your chin, to your neck.
You were always sweating
like the devil himself.
I'd wipe the poison as soon as you left the room
Left me there, alone on the bed, staring at the mold stained ceiling of yet another ****** motel.
"Why am I here?" I thought to myself. Then I reached for the plastic motel cup meant for swishing your mouth out with water, and instead filled it with wine. Classy.
My body covered in your endless sweat.
So. much. sweat.
It must have been the toxins your body carried oozing out of you.
& I still wasn't pretty to you,
just convenient
An easy ****.
You never asked if I wanted to
You never asked me anything
Did you even know my favorite color?
It didn't really matter,
there were no colors anymore.
The world was red and red only
from the summer heat we never seemed to escape.
I've never been so hot in all my life.

It's been one year, and the flashbacks keep growing. keep flashing
and its almost like i'm still the mouse,
being tortured for my past.
Always running away from it,
Burrowing my brain
to keep you out of my thoughts.
How many years will it take?
Are you still a stray cat, just on another girls porch?
I do not pray
but I will, for her

my body is a home
proof of shelter
the doors are locked tight
each night
windows are open during the day
i offer tea to my guest
& sometimes coffee
my body is shelter from the storm
as long as you stay inside
you will be safe
but every storm passes
and every bird leaves its nest
i only hope my home will
have prepared you
for that
leap
but then my arms will be your
safety net
and my voice, a reminder
you are loved
and i will always be here
the voice
the shelter
the open window
the cup of tea
your home

There's an itch in between
my sanity and sleep
it keeps on trying to bring me down
And I don't see the key
I'm running in my dreams
and I'm trying not to drown
I love you too much
you can't see me drown