i wear it everyday
im not ignoring you
i just have no idea what to say
i know what i mean to you
but i refuse to hurt you
because you mean so much to me too
so i wont pull you in closer
i wont let you poison yourself
with me

today was my last day with my therapist
he's heard your name a lot in the last year
today we just played air hockey
while i talked about all of the times you made me smile

he didn't say much
he just let me cry

i don't feel better, really
but it was nice to think about you
to not push any memories down
just let it all flow

i miss you.
i'm too tired to feel angry or scared
or anything at all.

i can't explain why
i can't pinpoint exactly how i feel
but i know i still love you
and i'm pretty sure i always will.

i am going out to lunch with my friends
i ordered a small diet pepsi
i am laughing and flirting with boys
i am acting like nothing will ever fall apart
i am fake
i am plastic
i am fine

do it
whatever it is
hit me
hurt me
you want to feel something?
lets feel it together
you want it to hurt?
i can make it hurt
whatever you need
take it out on me
instead of yourself

i have no family to live for
no real friends to fall back on
no dreams, no hopes, no future
all of my life
no one has ever wanted me
needed me
i am useless
without you

so whatever you're going through
take it out on me
and go live your life
love your friends
be good for them
and leave the bad with me

trying everything there is
to distract myself from you

but i am so afraid
so, so afraid
that one morning
you'll be more than distant
afraid that you'll be gone

i don't sleep anymore
i just sit in bed
staring at my phone
like it will tell me that you're fine
like it will save you

it's none of my business
but i am so
*******
scared