i hate myself for caring
because i know it only hurts us both
but you fill a space inside of me where nothing else seems to fit

maybe im a *******
because it hurts
and it's awful
and its better than any drug ive done

it makes my hands shake
and my breath hitch
still

i want to give you cd mixtapes of your favorite songs
i want to send you 3:00 am messages and bad selfies
i want to put on my favorite skirt and dance with you
i want to take you back to the ocean with me
i want to see your sad smile under the california stars
i want to make everything better, so you never have to be sad again
i want to spend hours memorizing your eyes
i want to go on long road trips, see the wind in your hair
i want to spend the rest of my life trying to make you laugh
i want to take you to festivals and old coffee shops
i want to go to thrift stores with you and try on crazy clothes
i want to listen to your music and love your art
i want to be your number one fan and your best friend
i want to be yours and have you as mine

but most of all, i just want you to be happy.

i have a friend
one real friend
her name is crystal
she could never hurt anyone really
but people are afraid

she is calm and sweet
and furious
there is fire in her soul
and loneliness too
i think

we are the same
terrifying and lonely
natural enemies of the world
a perfect pair

a car
a job
a scholarship
a relationship**
my mother doesn't hate me
im not on drugs
im not depressed

but im not happy.

i have everything i could have ever wanted for myself.
and i hate it.

nothing is interesting
nothing makes my heart race
it's all routine
do this then that
i
hate
it

somehow
6 months ago
i was happier with nothing
(one thing)
(him)

i just wanna be happy