It didn’t hurt when you said goodbye
When you promised me light it didn’t count
Because you might have actually meant it
You had a reason to leave and that’s what matters
You would never, could never be a small part of the tunnel
The thing that hid me for so long
You’re the one good cop in a basket of rotten apples
You simply aren’t capable of such inhuman cruelty

You saved me when you flickered out
You listened and you read and you discussed with the group
And I was there, being stared at
It helped when you said next to nothing
You recorded so much about me that you really understood me
You know exactly who I am now
Exactly how I feel
Gills and stalks grew on my face
Right beyond you
But the silence was what made me grow
I needed a savior, not an advocate
I couldn’t speak because I wasn’t ready to
The time to finally say something is later, eventually, when it’s over

It won’t hurt when I tell you any of this
You’ll tell me it’s fine, that it doesn’t matter
You don’t own it, after all
We create histories to make ourselves feel better
You’ve been doing it to me for years
The water washes out every spot of wine
I never cried, never lost any weight or sleep or blood
Not a single bit
Not because of you
You’re good to me now
You would never, could never have hurt me like everyone else did

Time flies by and you realize that birds don’t
Water only tasted sweet when you were dumb
When you were too naive to walk backwards like everyone else
Drink more sludge and wear more layers
Until nobody can claim it’s you underneath

Only children are allowed to laugh
So everyone dreams of being younger
Of loving without screen doors in between their bodies
Of thinking less and less and less
Until our history is undone

It’s gray and it’s me
I’m a transparent manatee stretching at the seams
Covered in fat, shiny leaves that turn upside down
Strike me with a boulder and pop my skull open
Like a balloon filled with tears and lotion
Bury me naked in a closed casket
With heaps and heaps of violets

I used to be told that I carry the burden well
Sometimes I look at the animal and try to identify it
Other species’ features float through my mind and once a month I see a resemblance
But nothing really classifies me for long
What’s the point in cooking the way you always wanted to cook
If even to you it tastes sort of bland

Bark like a dog that can’t bite
You’re a rerun, redundant
Idiot shouting at staples on trees
Guns to a pillowfight, pillows to a massacre
Why can’t you learn the perfect place to sit

Your eyes look handsome when your mouth is closed
Talk until your lungs become heavy with air
But know that not a soul listens to you freely
Your only audience is a captive one
We encourage you to try anyway
Someone out there must be into that sort of thing

Try drinking and feeling more and less
Be the coat hanger that everyone else loves
Talk to me, I want to know how you’re running
I don’t want to hear about your prosthetics
But the guy standing next to you sounds nice

Have you tried to end your life lately?
You might smile more if you think about it daily
We liked you more back when you were smaller
When you were close to the edge of that thought
When our clothes didn’t fit you
When we liked you even less

True love is being afraid of yourself
It’s holding the door open and slamming it closed
Riding a thin line like it’s a railing and leaning back
True passion is apathy
The only way to touch a butterfly is to fall asleep
Better yet, let it sit on the flowers of your grave
A beautiful silence of sorts
The worst thing you can do is speak
The real romantics are practicing anything else
Grabbing the truth and storing it away
Being there in title only

It was like planting my face into the grass
Warm, soft, and bristly
Heavier than my chest could handle
I remember that feeling every time I dream about you
More than I remember your name
And I dream about you all the time, even though I don’t want to
Because I’ve never needed anything more in my life
And I’ve never found it anywhere else
You called me a freak

I want to be where the people are
Where they remember my first name without knowing my last
I want to be a regular occurrence, to be expected
To claim the feelings I inherited and feel them back
I want to have stories instead of repeating facts
I won’t be able to echo anyone anymore
But I want the opportunity to try

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong
The water is clogged, no matter how I try it
If there’s even water to spare
I leave alone and empty, with a warning to never come back
When given a choice, the answer is no

The memories of you are gone
But I can smell the burning
The hills were savannahs when we were lions
But now the danger is gone
I have always been afraid of steep angles
Of losing my balance, rolling down into oblivion
But today I only feel my own altitude
The mountains are leaning towards me

The sun is a kindness I don’t feel I deserve
But it warms me without discretion
Without thought
Coal left over from the fire
The wind makes me remember when I closed my eyes
Held my head down in the face of the smoke
I climbed on top of a large rock
And haven’t looked down