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Feeling Real Jan 2016
I. You don’t see him - you’ve never really
  seen him. You just open up to the stars and
  imagine him as the divinity watching you
  back. But stars don’t watch you and he
  doesn’t even know you’re trying to tell
  him something

II. You burned him alive - taught him trauma
   is made by repeats - made sure that even
   lain in his childhood home he would not be
   allowed peace. You never looked twice.

III. There’s something in his body you’ve missed
    by just taking flesh

IV. You’re only into monsters - His lying, his
    claws, his teeth. Wait to be eaten.
Feeling Real Dec 2015
Papers, not stacked but strewn the mess piles up
Somewhere, underneath the smoke
The bandages, there is the remote
Feeling Real Dec 2015
Sweet sickness beckons and against better
Impulse, I jump inside
Where the bones grind against each other
A clear yellow light just out of reach
Gesturing, follow me, come
I float down

**** me, I beg of endings
Everything is sweeter with a sour tongue
It's worse that rot, more obtuse
And revolting than ***
I beg of my body and I beg of your mind
Sweetness, please, just sugar
Feeling Real Dec 2015
stark-white contrast with my

dark mind, soul gone, hair gone

admit nothing amidst loving

the chilling winter aura

for, uh, your control, um

I’m allowing you to have won
Feeling Real Dec 2015
I will be strong
no recompense without release
not when relief is given freely
if I could just force myself
to be free
I will be dynamic
the dynamo grown old
muscles on muscles in brain
and my physical body
I will be strong, like
stone like lightening
like my god
like my gifts
there is no patron
telling me that I need
suffer any longer
my time will come
and I will
be strong
Feeling Real Dec 2015
i'm the abandoned streets
winter's lack of heat, darkness
at 3:45 am, the moonlight reflected
on the snow, just sparkling, pulling
marijuana smoke from my lungs

i'm candy coloured lights on a fake
christmas tree, spent hours unfurling
the branches, dangling spirit unto them
without care, forcing hot chocolate down
my gullet like it was the only familial
connection i'd ever be allowed a part in

i'm the dead heat of summer, where it's
just too hard to move, and even though
the air conditioning is functioning and the
sunlight seems so pleasant, it's just too hard
to rub my whole body down with sunscreen
and find shorts to wear and find a tank top
to wear and find a way to make my sweat
appealing to anyone who might see me out walking

i'm the night time, wide awake from sun down
to sun up, doing nothing, a trance state from
moon to moon, for gods and messages from god
i'm the studying for hours for no reason except
it's something to do and i'm not tired, i'm so tired
but i'm chugging coffee cup after coffee cup and
contemplating the best time to start pretending
that my life is fine for just a moment of peace before
i allow sleep to take me, the fantasy of reality
where i am as important as i want to be, my fingers
under the covers because even though i am alone
i am ashamed i might see myself touching myself
an anti-****** where i am one with my shadow
Feeling Real Dec 2015
I don't have the memories to corroborate
Your story is not my story is not the truth is not fiction
But it came from somewhere and I have it inside me
This awful weight, gradually shifting

I'm revolving around a single point somewhere
Beyond time, beyond space, in the shadows
I feel it and I can sense it but I
Can't move it away

Someone puts it into their lover, a bride, groom
I put it into a hairbrush, then mascara, then my lungs
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