I am a scenery
to be looked at from afar

when you're on a balcony looking out to new york
your eyes immediatly go to the buldings with the pretty lights
not even thinking about whats within them
and you're last glance is to the darkest spots
but if you looked at them closer you'd realize they count the most

and no matter how far to the edge you will be
you'll never be close enough to really look at me
you will never see the inside of my buildings
nor walk the dark spots in the depths of my mind
there was a time when i could call myself beautiful

*just look at all the pretty lights
the billboard saying "be who you wanna be"
but even if you're at the edge of your seats
you'll never get close enough to a scenery

I can't stop smoking...

For 19 yrs of clean air
I breathed in the insults of nature
And I kept in the moisture left
Penitrating loud conscience

Like the time my brother couldn't breathe
During his back sugery for 2 hrs
When docters placed his spine
With a rod in hopes to straighten his back to keep him from leaning sideways but his fix didn't stop there
In telescopes he is reaching perpendicular up north so the dreams of angels swoon amongst his sight
Condescending, patronizing what may come of the future
Tomorrow is a riddle that seeps the curiosity of what will be
And my love and patience for him to overcome pain stand strong

But I can't stop smoking...

Like the time I thought I was going out of my mind wondering why this cute kid wouldn't like me in class
Never guessing the young seed I was stuck in a crusifix shame
Like I needed his amo to pierce me Shooting ahead of time to tell me I will never be that girl when I grow up to fall in hell
I got what I asked for
in back seats of ***** power and  authority misty incubus
I was plunged into regret

To think that when I was told so many times at home to stop eating because no guy will ever choose me
And I'm hanging by desolation
With not the need, but the wants

I won't stop smoking the ******* effect feeling it asleep or awake
Beating pass the bruises on my chest because the S was a snake that swamped my entire confidence and bone
Hurting each time the main man of the house corrected me for each inch of my flaws

I can't stop smoking... Pondering on forgiveness

Confused and anxious like a dog on his/her down days tucking their tail in the corner waiting to be loved the right way
But I wait for the madness to give me a break and I'm begging for time to wait but the tides bash the stupidity upon my face when I kept pushing to betray my identity to embrase true colors
But my color is one.. tranaslucent
Justified and run through
By-passed and neglected all for me to devour and gag

I am still smoking... not breathing
Locking in chaotic hypnosis
Dodging the scent of excellence
Keeping pain alive as a way to get by and I envy it like Oxy
Holding me down bedding in gravity
But for now, fear is testing me but she is glass and I am the brick
Letting it know I am up and I am about to happen
In the words of Dr. Mya Angelou

"YOU MAY ENCOUNTER MANY DEFEATS, BUT YOU MUST NOT BE DEFEATED"

No challenge is well excessive
So the next time the ones who doubted me
The next time you see me breathing
It will be for life.

© 2015 S.T. Rebel of Eden

Absent
resting on a crippled pillar
bringing back words-
from your mouth
and rain
sprung in
so I brainstormed you
residing in secret of
raindrops.

tumbling like envy
whereas the smoke is clear
of all memory
that hope is colorless
but clear of design

words that belonged to you
squint in doubt
in vascular pressure
like fidelity was found scared
from heart to bone I'm shaking

in a brief time period
yet, you are the storm
descending
in the vicinity around me.

and out on crippled pillars.
hair soaked in deep shallows
I'd be banished in present
-calculating
one plunge after another
of water in reunion with salt
feeling you submerge
right through my skin.

- it's the kind of lost
I have grown accustomed to.

(INCREDIBLE INK)
© 2015 S.T. Rebel of Eden

Why?
How can I feel this way?
I feel myself
Losing you
Pushing you away
Purposely
Like, just talking to you
Is torturing me
Yet, I need you
WHAT THE **** DO I DO?
I don't wanna hurt anymore
I want the pain to go away
I don't know what I'm living for
I don't know how I got this way
How do I say
THIS IS TOO MUCH TO TAKE
To handle
To deal with
Torn, ripped in directions
I never thought existed
Expectations
Non granted wishes
ALL FOR NOTHING
Cause I'm still broken
Not even worth fixing

But you
You're worth so much more
None of the guilt
None of the shame
Is worth anything
**** IT ALL
Just forget my name

Like things growing closely in clusters
are the memories of sweet trying to understand truth
when wrong arms reached out and offered devilish friendship.
As a child you sat reading softness and hope and butterflies
untitled poems rhymed in your head,
Nightmares woke you up, so cruel as to drive you here.
All windows closed and flies and stink festering within
and burning fires untended threatened to burn you down.
As you sit, still reading alone,
poems unwritten.

a C. Bukowski poem and bean with bacon soup with regular crackers
I dipped in and burned every bit of my mouth swallowed the reactive mess fast, like a nuclear thing it burnt all the way down.
I felt the way I did when I kissed last Sunday, that twenty dollar *****
on her nether lips, I dipped my cadmium rod into a beer, after
stopping what may react just like Fermi did.
Satisfied, I cooled off, and farted away bubbly drinking
the rest of the night.

Oh fickle poet!
Your slippery heart is in your hand
Bind your mouth,
Persevere.