"Are you online? I would like to talk to you about suicide if possible. I was planning one just now and saw your poem appear at the top"

You messaged me but your profile is gone and i hope youre okay. That you see this and know you are loved

Please stay alive

I am writing to you because i dont want to live. Twisted, sick emotions & i picture men touching, wanting. Horrendous endeavours
Still
All i want is to be loved. To have a stranger nuzzle my neck & to kiss the face of god
And everyone is an angel where i live. No demons, just individuals passing through a simulation. Desperate for survival.
I want to die.
My heart aches & this loneliness is a thick blanket & i know i know i know
There is something wrong with me
I dont know how to salvage my self
Or if thats even possible
All the horror. Relentless flashbacks & i thank the universe, the neurons, for hiding my childhood
I fear
I am the embodiment of fear
The scars on my arms scream tragedy
But i dont want to be
I desire light & hope and warmth & i wish i could smile and never stop
I am reaching
But i fall

I thought tonight about how my mom must have looked at me when i was born, and how pure that love must've been.

Before i had the chance to make that first mistake, before i ever said "I hate you" with clenched fists & venom eyes. I thought about how my partner looked at me when we used to lie in bed, before screams, before we were engulfed in tears and chaos- and how much mutual adoration i had drowned in.

I remember catching fireflies with my baby sister and how my older sister used to read me bedtime stories when the world was so big i wondered how it didn't swallow us whole.

And these moments of beauty, the light in the darkness... The purity and kindness i have experienced. Ive been crying a lot lately & dont know why but all i wanna do is sleep.. But i wake up and turn on the beatles & try to hold on to the times when i have felt like i could fly. Because those moments keep us alive.

I want to drown in these seconds, glimpses into eternity, build a hot air balloon filled with those moments that could take me anywhere but here.

I tried to **** myself
Regretful
Moreso, that failure

You know, its so easy to die. Slip into oblivion and say nothing matters. To hide your sorrow until tomorrow disappears.

I woke up with thick grey half moons under my eyes, yellow-grey toned skin, one half red eye and a dozen bruises on my neck.

I dont want to lose the innocence i have left. This is my confession. Hatred burns in my heart, but not just at myself anymore & if it is not my fault i can never change this terrifying world. I feel so small, i could blink & disappear...

But still, somehow, in my absence, in the simple threat of loss, fear and pity enter the hearts of those among me. So vile. So heartbreaking. The tears on my moms face having driven three hours to see me are the worst waters i might encounter. A tsunami of emotion.

Life is pain. Death is emptiness. Suicide may be relief, but failure is guilt.

Is there a balance somewhere?

But...
I wanna wrap shoelaces around my throat or slit my wrists and i dream of taking acid and climbing up a building & feeling so whole within the universe i can jump with euphoria.

This world was never small enough for me or maybe i just wasnt ready for the rebirth. Perhaps i am a genetic flaw & did you know cells in your body will target themselves or engulf their bodies because they know they dont belong?

Apoptosis

Be hard
Stone temple & iron bars. Wrapped in a cocoon of isolation & fade so deeply into oblivion you will be heard and felt but never seen.

Scream obscenities and shake your fists at the sky because darling it is yours to pull down and when you fall asleep at night, pull it close- engulf yourself in the ethereal and close your eyes so tightly you cant imagine opening them again.

Be tough because all sensitivity ever brought you was pain and i didnt want to say this, i never wanted to say this but goddamit you dont want the suffering that comes from loving too much.

It is a fire from within & the heat of blood on your skin & nights spent walking too long looking at the sky wondering why you exist & why there is so much pain while ice soaks into the soles of your shoes.

Write "You are love" on the steam in your bathroom mirror, but dont expect it to take the aching in your chest away

I tell myself:
It is better to be alone than to submit

But i delete my contacts and leave my bed

**** it
Im in love

I thought tonight about how my mom must have looked at me when i was born, and how pure that love must've been. Before i had the chance to make that first mistake, before i ever said "I hate you" in anger. I thought about how my partner looked at me when we used to lie in bed, before fights and tears and chaos, and how much mutual adoration i had drowned in. I remember catching lightning bugs with my baby sister and how my older sister in her silken voice used to read bedtime stories- when the world was so big i thought it could swallow us whole. And these moments of beauty, the light in the darkness... The purity and kindness i have experienced. Ive been crying a lot lately & dont know why but all i wanna do is sleep.. But i wake up and turn on the beatles & try to hold on to the times when i have felt like i could fly. Because those moments keep us alive. I want to drown in these seconds, glimpses into eternity, build a hot air balloon filled with those moments that could take me anywhere but here.

I am the moon
I am darkness
Upon which
Light reflects

Breathe
Cool calamities
You are the earth
Upon which
Life arose

i know im supposed to be thinking about him. Hes in pain. Ya know?

He told me he tried to **** himself. Screamed. "Its all your fault" over and over. That im socially *******. That he wanted to hit me but he didnt he just shook my body and shoved me and pulled my hair and i just need to tell someone about how he kept coming in and throwing my body around and grabbing my face and screaming at me for hours

Some days he texts me all day and it doesnt matter if i reply or not, if i say "i love you. Youre good." or "*******." its the same story. He said "Cut your worthless anorexic bulimic body" and "Selfish ****" and "Youre ruining my life" "Maybe you'll find a new guy with a small **** who makes you feel like you matter. You dont. He just wants to have an ******."

Hes proud of the fact that hes never hit me. Ever. He said he wanted to, threatened to, said the dark side of him was telling him to break the glass in front of us and **** me then himself.

I dont tell people. Im scared. If i told him, hed die of guilt.

He said i wanted this. Its my fault, and i wanted this. And maybe, detached speculation, he's right. Maybe i beg for it in the darkest, truest part of me. And that scares me.

"I have music in my head
It is so loud.
I wish you could hear it."

"Hum it to me."

"I would,
But i dont have that many voices."

You are a wave on the ocean. You are cerulean and indigo and lace-tipped edges.

You are an infinite sky and the sun we cant view. Rising and falling but always so steady. Only my earth moves and you fade and ruse. The brightest hope i know.

I would fall into the depths of your soul. And i do. So with knowledge, how to breathe?

I know:
You bury in depths
The patterns of your fingers
And display the past as though
It will someday save you.

Your heart:
Gripped tightly
Through white knuckles
I catch a glimpse

******* and adoration
Whiskey and love
Smoke and mirrors
Soft touch
The chase.

Your hands
My mouth.
Your body
My touch.
May i paint you?

I saw a picture of you
******* Christ why
Did you invade my mind
Silver and cold
Stop, cease ******* fire
Beautiful angel
And oh, how she smiled
You broke my body
And held down my hands
Was I imagining pain
My eyes were closed
*******, I feel bruised
I'm making it up
I must be, because she
Holds your hand and
I don't understand
Why she seems so loved
When all I ever was
Was your **** toy

She shook so hard
Her bones broke
Scars on her arms
Words in her head
She says that she's fine
Wishes she were dead

Oh but baby, I'm better
She cries with her chest
Tears mixed with snot
They say she's the best

Well, if I have such a big heart
Why too often do I fall apart
So smart, clever, witty & kind
Crack open a cage, what do you find
I'm rotting, ******* blood and grime
The smell darling, it wrecks my mind

I dream of dying
The solace and peace
Of laying this shell down
Corpse empty, soul being free

I'm not better
I've just learned
Better methods of
Ignoring the past

I gave you my soul
Split veins poured
Blood onto linen

White sheets
Your fingers
Entwined
With mine

Where did love go?

Morning comes like fire.
In the early light of dawn
I catch glimpse of a reflection
Stretch my hands out to the pane
With trembling fingertips brush
Glass so cold it feels soft
I think of you

You are the shadows
Reaching out to me
Distorted utopia I always
Begged you'd let me see
I wanted to feel your heart
But it was so cold, blank weight
There was a time you seemed
To set me free, but darling
I've never met someone
So frozen to a touch