My cell
Has no door
Unlike one you'd see
Where a madman slumps
In waiting of release
My walls shine
With the sticky softness of comfort
But beneath the paint
The cold, blank stone
Echoes the void
I have not the energy
To fill
Although this prison
Locks from inside
Still there is
A madman
Trapped within

And again I enter
with cloudy tears
like a hot foggy weight
suspended in my throat
the walls painted a sickly sweet
lilac, the color of slimy facade
envelopes my pathetic form
A muted anger hangs tensely
from my muscles, but I
collapse, solemn raindrops running
slow and warm like blood
Nobody can find me here
I lock the door, and scribble upon
the walls of my home
syrupy words of comfort
to be my only
companion

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

every day and every day after gets worse.
every day and every day I see more and more how I was not wrong.
every day and every day I see more and more how I was.

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

sometimes I see boys on the street.
sometimes my eyes linger on their faces, their lips
sometimes I picture their faces, their lips on mine
sometimes I forget that I shrink away at a man's glance
sometimes I forget that I shrink away at a man's touch

it has been one year since my ****.
It has been one year since my ****.

my friends and my darlings scream out at injustice
they scream at a man who did what another man did to me
they say he didn't serve enough jail time
my friends and my darlings don't know that the man who touched me served no jail time
my friends and my darlings do not know that he walks free
free to live, free to harm, free to not be haunted
by the things he did to me

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

at moments I want to scream it from the rooftops
at moments I want to carve it into my flesh
at moments I want everyone,  everyone to know how I was hurt and left bleeding, (figuratively and literally) and naked (literally and figuratively) in a cold basement of a boy I did not know
at moments I want to say
'I WAS HURT (figuratively and literally) AND I AM IN PAIN (literally and figuratively) AND I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HEAL'
these moments pass

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

every day and every day it gets better.
every day and every day it gets worse.
every day and every day I drag my hurt behind me like an anvil on a string
every day and every day and every day after that.

it has been one year since my ****.
it has been one year since my ****.

"i think that it's
a cold day
for lemonade,"
i said
and he just shrugged
we were silent
but i didn't care
because when the
wind blew
he would still be
beside me

they said summer would be better
they said they said they said they said
in spring i was born again, just like
they said they said they said they said
I thought after winter I would never feel again, but
his hands and his tongue,
his lips
oh my.
don't let me go, let me rest in your lap
for eternity.
let me hold your cheeks to my heart and be alive.
I love you, I think
I'm not sure
but you may,
you may save me yet

when you're a little girl
they tell you how
you're so pretty
with your messy little braids
and muddy mary-janes
but they never tell you
you're interesting
or clever
or good-humoured
as if you're useless
to be anything
but pretty
as if the world only loves
those with empty heads
and pretty faces
and that there is no
happiness
to be found
for one
with only
beautiful
thoughts.

And you're a tremor through the
nerves of my body
And you're an echo in the grooves of
my brain
And every color turns grey under
moonlight
And every breath I take is laced with
the pain
They attack me when I close my eyes
Attach their membranes to the fuses
in my ribs
I host the terrors in my heart like a
lavish hotel,
But they rip me apart all the same

The Bear
It's a castle of unhappy livestock
Groaning and grueling, they march to
their death camps
Eight times a day
Lime tile littered with the waste of
human embarrassment
We are animals here, we have no
shame
I was drunk in September
His tongue danced on my neck
Left a mark like a raspberry flame
I hope he never kisses me again

2. The Fire
It's October now
I ache, still,
It echoes in the hollow pockets of my
skull
Ringing back again, over and over
Time drops dead
He misspells his words
I can't get enough
He wraps his lips around my name
Like a package,
Doesn't say how it tastes

3. The Earth
He isn't, shouldn't, wasn't,
couldn't.
He's logic, he's science
But I wanted thunder
Shallow pools, blue and cold
collect in his eyes
I can see my reflection
It's ugly
He says happy birthday
Four minutes past midnight

Y e w          S      Oo         tH
O y     E        GR                A
U e                                    tDay
R s       R        Een
        E

I am just a little creature
made of bone as black as blood
I sit inside the sunshine's shadow
my flesh a rotten heap of mud
I pick apart the thoughts of others,
the thoughts of friends,
the thoughts of mothers,
I weave them in a little quilt
of screaming pain in brilliant colors
I am just little ghost
my words are weak,
my mind is lost
I pitter-patter through the hall,
my stocking feet are fat and dull
you'll see me here, though I hide well
crawling through my little hell
and if you smile, then I won't see
I'm busy with destroying me

i always thought
that some things
were hard for me to say
but just now i'm learning
that i really have trouble
with saying everything
although all of these words
crash into me
with a salty sting
and as i'm trying
to pick out the ones
that make any sort of sense
the sea calls them back again
and i'm stuck gaping, breathless
at your eyes
with all of my longing
rattling the chains
in it's prison
inside my craven
heart

All I wanted was to see the bears
They're stuck behind glass, we're
stuck behind glass

I fill my empty chest
With the smoke of a cigarette
Let it wither my crooked heart

Name me after the cliffs
We're both made of stone
We face the devil alone

So if you find me
At the bottom of the sea
And my lungs are filled with water
Know that you didn't have to love me
And I'm sorry

he will appear
he will be gentle
quiet
strong
and he will brush the hair off my face
with the softest sweep of his hand
he will look at me
the way you never did
as a delicate piece of glass
he so desperately wishes not to shatter
he will feel no shame
at the sound of my name
in the same sentence as his
and no embarrassment
at the sight of his hand in mine
he will wipe my tears
when i feel too much  
                                       (like i do)
and then you
will fade
from my heart

i drink
not to forget,
but to relive
my former life; my spotless mind
i drink to see
the other me, before
the pills and knives
and screaming cries
the first time that his freckled eyes
and freckled lips entwined in mine

We bump
Did he look?
He didn't.
He must have.
Check his eyes
Is he staring?
Why not?
Why would he?
His lips are chapped
Mine are not
Is he looking?
Did he notice?
They're so warm
They're so lonely
Does he care?
Is he watching?
Tell a joke
Is he laughing?
He is!
He's laughing!
And we bump
Did he like it?
Did he linger?
Did he blush?
He didn't.
He must have.
Why not?
Why would he?

it was summer
june, maybe july, I'm not sure
but it was raining and we were sitting in the parking lot of my favorite bookstore
you were behind the wheel of your truck, the seat just a little leaned back and my head was in your lap and your hand was in my hair.
I had bought Ariel, you had bought Spoon River Anthology, you said you wanted to get into poetry.
and you read it to me, the gentle waves of your voice syncopating with the steady beat of rain outside, and they made a music that made my breath catch in my throat
the windows fogged
I pulled the book out of your hands and tossed it in the backseat, so I could kiss you and feel your heartbeat in my ears
you smelled like sweat and salt and sunshine, you smelled like summer
and I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you

and all of a sudden
i can breathe again

i said i'd hurt her
rip her body apart
i meant every word
crazy as i am
and your arms
steady, strong as marble
when was the last time
they held me

everything looks gray under moonlight, even
my eyes, my skin
I am hollowed out with grayness
it coats the inside of my ribs like chalk dust
I am an attic
I am a cardboard box
I am an elephant graveyard.
you did not make me clean
you crawled inside me then disintegrated into
dust, to dust, to dust
to dust