I... I don’t think I have it in me
To care for myself tonight.....

I take the bottle and a sip
Then I drink deeply
All I can take in one go
I’d like the room to tilt and spin
Watch me lose my footing
Stumble
I don’t want to think
I don’t want to make sense
I don’t want to hurt
I don’t want to ache
I don’t want to suffer
Just... release me for a bit...
You can do that... can’t you?

Please.

I’m begging.

I’m in agony
Can’t you make an exception
I have to ease the pain
I must...
Please let me

Let me show you
Let me prove it
I’m unstable
I’m in pain
Watch me drown it
The best I can
Until I’m weak
Until I ******* stagger...
Mhm... what a thought
What loss of control...
How sweet a thought
To drink away the control
I’m tired
But I can’t let go
But that bottle... it would let me
Please...

Please, it hurts...

I don’t want to remember

Sorrow floods my eyes tonight
Streams into every pore
It cannot be contained
For the depths of compassion
The depths of love
Propel forth the immense wave

My body shakes with anxiety
My breaths come quick and shallow
Because I believe you
When you say you’d do it
You’d end your life
You’re not well, my dear friend
And I know I can’t help you

You’re breaking my heart...
I know you don’t mean to
It’s simply a side effect
Of allowing myself to care
So wholeheartedly
So completely

And now

The sorrow
The dread
The pain
The concern
The tears
The tragedy
The calamity
The grief
The new marks
The old marks...


Have left me

Overwhelmed

How nice it is to be remembered...
Not only was I noticed
Back then and again now
But you... you remembered me?
What a thought...
How simple, how kind
Maybe I’m less invisible than I’d thought
Perhaps I don’t simply fade out of the mind
I... I thought I’d always be forgotten...
But today...
You remembered me :)

Don’t get attached
You know it’s not like that
You know that’s not how he sees you
You’re not pretty enough
You’re not tall enough
You’re not slim enough
You’re not even any fun tbh
Why would you think he’d want you?

But just...
I thought maybe... maybe there was something there...
The slight prolonging of contact
When we stood a bit too close
Mm... how soft and warm you felt...
I think you make me feel safe
I’m comfortable
I don’t have to hide
I don’t have to change
And... that seems to be enough for you

But don’t get attached.
It’s not like that.
It will never be like that.
Don’t let yourself believe it.
Don’t let yourself feel it.
Because honestly
You might be a good friend for him
But you’re not enough to be more

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting


I... I can’t take this
I can’t decipher this agony
WHATS GOING ON
I don’t understand....
But I can’t quite feel it all
But I want it
It’s mine.
The sorrow belongs to me
And if I can’t feel it in my heart
Release it through my tears

Well

Perhaps

Instead

I could... feel it... on my wrist
Release it through my veins...
I can control it there...

I’ll fight it
‘Cause I’m supposed to
Cause I don’t want another failure to report
But ****...
It’s so ******* tempting

I'm so successful
In their minds
I can function
I am bright
I smile
I laugh
I'm capable
I'm eloquent
I'm responsible
I have a good job
I'm quite skilled at it too
I've got impressive grades
I'm steps ahead in school
I'll have a high-paying career
I've got it all together
I've perfected "success"

but

I'm not happy
I want to cry
I want to rip my heart out of my chest
I desire to make myself weak
I don't want to care for myself
I don't have friends
I don't have support
I'm utterly alone
I'm suffering terribly
I can't keep my thoughts straight
I struggle to keep the darkness at bay
I'm in ruins

I guess that's success.