I walk under a dark cloud,
Rain seems to fall from my eyes
And the sky constantly.
It wasn't my choice to live
In such bleak conditions-
My mission? To be free.
I've never felt secure before
Always uneasy and never safe,
A slave to my own memory.

But one day, the sky cleared
My mind took a veer towards happiness.
The rain decided to stop
And something mopped it all up.
For some of the few
There is no other view than sunshine.
And since I met you,
I know what to do- I must remain in the
Sun, and my sun is with you.

I am infatuated with you
Not the idea of you.
Ever since we met
I never thought we could work
But we do
Well we did
You've been gone for a while
And I don't really know
If you are coming back
Will you make it home to me?
Or will you fall
And vanish forever?
Just let me know
When I lose you
Because I've lost you before
But this time I know it's for good.
Before we met,
Everything scared me.
Now I feel safe in your arms.
More secure than I ever did
Anywhere else.
Like safe as in I never had to worry.
Letting you take all my trust
Even when I thought it was too much.
Never did you fall, nor will you ever.

help me*

Fear, **** me
gnash me
with cold hands
twisting my lips
and tearing my fear.
Hiding underneath
its shirt,
faultless tree
appearing like
a steady restraint.

The coarse betrayal
Harkened an awakening
Of mind and body through
Enlightenment of
Existential crises.

"I just don't know how you can love me."
Ignore me.
You never look at me in the light.
Are you so ashamed
To look at me longingly?
As I look at you?
See my eyes.
See the pain you cause
In the name of "love."
You think you are always right
When you say there is
No one who will love you.

"I just don't know how you can love me."
Insult me.
You never speak to me kindly.
Are you so afraid
To be nice to me?
As I strive for you?
See my eyes.
See the pain you have caused
In the name of "coolness."
You think you are always right
When you say there is
No way I can love you.

*I just don't understand how not to love you.

In my life I have
Felt pain in my heart until
I met your kind self.

People come and go all the time
Like you did over and over.
Every time you promised to stay
All you would do is roll onto your other side,
Sit up on the edge of the bed.
Ending the magic so soon.
Deliberately you broke it,
Or was it an accident?
Nonetheless, you ended it.
One night of peace is all I wanted.
Together we are a mess.
Love me or let me go.
Every time I see you I feel strange.
All of my body wants to shut down.
Vicious waves make me cringe
Everything begs to stop working.
Must you be the reason
Every time I cry?

I'll be the first to say
That i hate it.
It's so pointless to fight this.
Our defenses are on such a high intensity that we are stiff.
Nothing is comfortable anymore.
Even laying next to you is foreign
I feel as if something is pulling you away from within
We both say that we want to be together and don't want to lose each other,
But when we look back,
We see that we already resent the place we are in.
Always sneaking around
Meeting at parking garages just to get a kiss.
But it isn't just a quick one
We could kiss for hours if we had the time.
And we did one day
When we were together for ten hours.
But now we don't even have the time.
Different lives,
Different friends,
Different obligations.
We drink different coffee in the morning
And complain about how I can't just lay in your arms all day
Because we are running and
Hiding, lying,
Trying just to get a few moments alone with each other
But it is so hard
Because I am stuck in my superficial tower without a door
And no matter how many times you beg me to let down my hair
I can't.
They donated it to someone who actually deserved it.
I ask why you don't just go and find someone who deserves your love,
But you say, 
'Where's the fun in that, my dear?" 
You said,
"Love isn't supposed to be easy.
The harder you work for it, the more meaningful it is."
I just sit there and wonder how hard i have to work
Because I feel everything is starting to callus
Including my heart.
It's slowly turning into rock
And I don't mean for it to,
It's just every time I try I just can't be with you. 
You ask for all the reasons why and for your sake I make a list
But for my sake I take it and tear it apart so you don't worry
I don't want anything else affecting your life.
Especially me.
I'm just a girl that you'll think about in a couple of years and say,
"Oh her? I just knew her in high school.. I guess she was kinda cool."
But you
When I describe you, I'll be fighting back emotions
I'll say something along the lines of a boy who made a dent in my life
But in reality it wasn't a dent,
You took a lot from me, but in return you put stuff back. 
The void that was left empty before you
Was finally filled again with your kindness
But slowly it started to drain again
And when you tried to cover the holes it just made it worse.
You tried to be my nurse, but in reality you were my curse.
That savory poison that flows slowly through my veins
Sugar coating all the pain just to gain some recognition.
You just wanted me to need you.
And believe me.. oh I do

I regret the fact that I showed you all these
Places that you can happily go to now
I'm stuck outside looking in the windows
Making sure you aren't there
Before I can even muster the courage
To step into my favorite places.
Specific streets remind me of
Where you would take me.
I would never dare step foot in a place
That you took me,
But you feel perfectly content
Bringing the new people in your life there.
Overwriting our memories and moving
On with your life.
It is time to move on.
I am tired of living like this and I won't
Let you control me anymore.
I'll go wherever I want and who knows?
Maybe someday I'll be able to
Step into these places and never even
Think of you.

Imagine a natural disaster
A mass collection of terrible things.
Think wind and rain and clouds that start to stir,
A noise so loud that it makes your ears ring.

Tormenting a whole town 'til it is done,
Just raging devastation all around.
Why do you terrorize us just for fun?
Is this where all your attention is found?

But after it is through we all come out
And realize exactly what happened.
This disaster brought out all of our doubt
It was not there we all just imagined.

Oh, dream that reached us all- thank you so much.
You got us out of our own evil clutch.

... muse
... ambitions
... reasons
... restraint
... happiness
... friends
...passion

I am scared

C O N S T A N T L Y
I feel uncomfortable.

DON'T TOUCH ME!! please...

My skin is crawling all the time.
I can't take this anymore.

I feel strange

what is inside of me?

help me

HELP ME

Help Me

help me..

I think I'm dying.
I'm sorry I gave up.
I'm giving up.
Just make it go away.
Please make it

GO AWAY

...

I'm sorry for yelling..
I just can't take it anymore.
Goodbye.

You always talked about getting away from here.
What's the point in staying?
There is nothing here for you anyways
At least that's what you think.
I am here for you,
Does that mean I am nothing?
Please don't leave me; I need you
Promise me you won't go.
"I love you"

Darling** (I)
You are a dreamer.
All you do is reach and reach for the stars.
You said you wanted to give them to me
To prove your love.
But the trick here is.
You aren't a dreamer.
You're just high.
All the time.
And I can't get through to you.
You are tearing down the stars.
But the stars are my eyes.

Sweetheart (II)
"Your eyes..."
Is one of the first things you said to me.
I still want to know what you meant.

Honeybee (III)
An angel came to me the other night.
And then I realized it was just you.

All of the flowers
Need some amount of sunlight
In order to grow.

People keep asking me if I still love you.

Of course I do.
I would yell it from the rooftops.
A first love is one that blossoms before
Your eyes into the most beautiful and innocent
Bouquet of intertwined stems whose necks lead up to petals kissing.
The feeling of butterflies
Swarms you when he kisses you for
The first time, for that feeling just continues to grow
Up and out until it leads to the revealing of a sudden, "I love you"
In my heart
And mind.
Is it my heart making me feel like this?
Or is the swarm flying around all through me that
*Makes me feel as if my mind is no longer only for my soul's desires?

The emptiness,
It filled the void.

The silence,
It filled my mind.

I feel that nothingness
Can be something too.

It is a catalyst to
Creation.

A development in the mind
That extracts the most inner inkling
And transforms it into your grandest idea.

Maybe silence seems like a handicap to you,
But to me it is a

I cannot fathom
The fact that you are not lost-
A fathom away.

I think
There is just a
Huge part of me
That needs you
To just
Hold my face in your hands,
Look me in the eyes,
And tell me that it's
All going to be okay.
Is it going
To be okay?

I can still feel myself
Pressed up against that wall.
I hope you know I really
Needed to study.

I sit. A pleasant
Chill arouses me into
An old trance-like state.

I feel like the room is spinning.
There is so much pressure in my brain
And it needs to go away.
Let it drain out of my mouth as beautiful words
That are carried on zephyr.
The wind will carry the words to you.
I hope you are flattered
Because normally you flatter me, but I wanted to do something different today.
I wanted you to say that you loved me, 
But it is all still pressed inside my head.

Things aren't as simple as they used to be
It's not like when one hug from you could secure me for a day.
Not just one reassurance can calm me anymore.
I need more than just  one conversation with you to feel sane.
But you haven't spoken to me in months.

Don't date a boy
With a common name.
If (when) things go wrong
You'll hear his name everywhere.
Boys with common names
Are commonly the ones
Who'll break your heart.

I could listen to you talk all day. In fact, I have. You have so many interesting stories and accounts from your life that I want to hear. I want to know everything about you. I want to know your successes, failures, trials, and fears. I want just want to help you.

The last time I saw you, you were complaining about how awful your day was. I just watched your performance, and we were standing outside the stage door in the freezing weather. My right leg was shaking terribly and I couldn't make it stop.

You kept talking about your day, but for some reason I didn't hear a word you were saying. For some reason I could only focus on the way your lips were moving and how you tilted your head back when you were getting angry and how when you finished talking you would take a deep breath before throwing me your stunning smile.

"Well I should go," you said.

"No. You should never go. Just stay with me and I promise everything will be okay. I will love you I promise. Just give us a chance. Give me a chance. I have such strong feelings for you- please just stay," is what I should have said, but I actually said, "Oh, okay."

I reached in for a hug because I could no longer wait for your arms to be wrapped around me. I wanted you to hold me forever, but I knew it wouldn't last more than a couple of seconds.

When you pulled away, I thought you would just pick up your bags and go, but you are always full surprises. I felt your hands pull me back in. A kiss. A perfect kiss. Much more than I could have hoped for from you.

With the constant doom of letting people down, I think it's best to fall short of solely my expectations, and no one else's.

The blood vessels under my eyes burst
From crying so hard last night.
An hour passed and it didn't get better.
For maybe 6 minutes I sat on his ***** drive way
Screaming and crying alone,
But then he ran to me
He took me in his arms
And held my head to his chest.
He told me it was okay,
But it is not okay.
Nothing is okay about it.
My eyes hurt and I could barely breathe,
And he helped me stop crying.

She spit her words at me.
Yelling at me as I cried for going on 20 minutes.
"Ever since February she's been on a self destructive path,"
She said to him and then to me,
"You think you can handle this?
Is this what you wanted?
You are doing this to yourself.
It is all your fault.
You are a mess up."
I clung to him tighter.
I felt myself shaking in fear,
But it wouldn't stop.
I couldn't make it stop.

**Make it stop.

We may not be finishing each other's sentences, but we are saying the same things, and completing each other's thoughts.

You are more than enough for me and you do not need to try to do anything to be good enough for me because you are more than perfect for me.

I don't like having to leave sometimes.

I guess you should do some jaw exercises or something because-- yes we kiss quite a bit, but it's not excessive. You shouldn't be in pain from kissing me, and if you are, I'll kiss it and make it better.

It's okay to pull away from a kiss because then I get to see your perfect face.

Well you aren't alone in feeling dumb. I thought I had a decent grasp on the human language but then I met you. I can't put my feelings for you into words. Nothing makes sense-- it isn't right, it isn't enough.

I wish I met you so much earlier in my life, but honestly I think that things would be so different if that were the case. What happened in our pasts is what makes us who we are. And we love each other as we are now.

Time flies when I'm with you. I can spend an entire day with you and feel like only minutes went by. It is never enough time. I will always want more.

I always say I need more time in my life, but I would rather feel like days are minutes with you than minutes are days when I'm alone.

Six thousand five ***-
dred and twenty nine days I
Have lived on this sphere.

When you are so low
You aren't afraid of pain-
It is just what is normal to you.
People walk all over you,
But it is commonplace for you to be on the ground.
You become a doormat,
But it's okay.
If you were a vase on a shelf,
You'd be on display, but unstable.
If you fell, you'd break and
Shatter into pieces.
It is better to live realistically
Than to live in a fantasy with a tragic ending.

The contemptuous lie
Faded to solemnity
In order to solidify the
Contrast between an
Erased reality.

It isn't so easy to just let go
to let the memories, happiness, and love just wash away...
Maybe I don't want to let go
because I love the love and the happiness and the memories
because they were with you

we weren't healthy enough to continue
but when people are sick they don't just give up on life
they get better and keep going
I don't want to let you go
because you make me happy

I know we didn't work well together in a relationship
but we work well in keeping each other afloat
I may have lost you as my other half
but I'm not giving up my best friend

Maybe it's easy to let go
to let the pain, sorrow, and even the love drift away...
But maybe you shouldn't let go
because the love was strong and the memories were fond
because they were ours

we may not have been healthy
but you don't just abandon the sick
didn't you want to see us get better?
I don't want to let you go
You made me happy

I know you think we didn't work well together
but even you know that we kept each other alive
I have lost you as my other half
but I'm not giving up on feeling whole again.

The moon doesn't even create its own light
It's fake.
It reflects the sun.
Maybe that's why we're all
Okay with being rude
When the fake light is in the sky.

To you,
It's all intentional.
Every touch, every gesture
Has a purpose and a connection
To the bigger picture.
You take your time
Because it's more than just motion
It's a building of emotion
That is processed in ecstasy.
You're gentle
Because I'm not just a body,
I'm a person who is experiencing
It all with you.

saunter right
  long for home to inhale dark spring
sky darkens
death is calm alone

run for death

somebody bleak
not you.

Your cigarettes stained
My hair and breath.
We never found home,
But a place to rest.

Your alcohol intoxicated
My legs and sight.
You said you loved me,
And I believed you might.

Your cursing struck
My ears and face.
You decided to leave,
But left an empty space.

Your empty promises broke
My heart and wrists.
I knew I shouldn't write,
But I couldn't resist.

Quick shudders surround-
Porcelain shadows on skin-
A shattered silence.

We have never talked
About when you kissed me.

Did you think it was a mistake?
I'm too much of a mess
To take care of.

But still on quiet nights,
After I become clean
And rid myself of tears,
I long for happiness.
I find it in thoughts of you.

Those thoughts don't lead to much
I sometimes try to act on them,
But then the happiness is eclipsed by fear.
And my fear is always crippling.

So instead I turn to what people think of as fear.
Instead I long for dreams of
Clowns chasing me with an ax.

I wasn't looking for this, but
Listening to you sing makes me so happy.
Of course this is new and exciting, but
Very rarely do I ever think these things could work out.
Every so often I would want to feel special, but
You never make me want to feel special because I always do.
Only in an alternate reality could I be happier.
Ultimately,  I just want to make you happy.

The tendency to let things
Slip through my grasp
Is far too high-
Especially when it comes to
Love granted.
I like to believe that
I love love,
But I don't think I do.
What I love,
Is the way he looks at me
When I speak.
The way he speaks
When my mind is blank.
I adore
The way he asks me how I feel
And actually cares about the response.
The way he is attentive
To the things I ramble on about.
I cherish
The way he touches me,
Deliberately, but not harsh.
The way he kisses me,
With longing, but not lust.
I hold onto
The moments we share,
Even if they may not hold the same meaning
To him.
Because to me,
He is perfect,
But he's been hurt too many times
To know that there are people
Who are afraid of love abandoning them,
Afraid of love betraying them,
Afraid of love.
Too hurt to recognize
The people who can look at him and see
What he offers,
Not what his shortcomings are.
I know because I've been where he is,
And I know it's harder to move on alone
Than together.

I don't believe you when you
Tell me that it's better for
You to let go and walk away.

All I hear from you is
Leave me be and I can't stay
And you should run the other way.

But what your eyes say is you
Want me to be by your side
Forever and to stay right here.

Your body says to
Press on up against you and to
Never ever let you go.

Once you said you'd never leave me
But now I'm not so sure
Because every time that I can see you
You walk right out my door.

I don't believe you when you're
Haunting me and telling me
To let you in or let you go.

All I hear is that you're
Begging me to set you free
Cause you know this time it's meant to be.
Why just let go of me?

The current existence
Excited the reckoning
With blissful swarms of
Bleak kisses on
Troubled judgement.

I cannot stop my
Fantasizing about you
Killing me- slowly.

It was my favorite song.
You would sing it to me all the time.
We would dance to it.
We were in love and
Our life together was
La vie en rose.

Now I am sitting in a coffee shop.
It just came on at
Exactly 9:30
And I feel like my brain
Will explode and
Scatter on the walls.
I want to rip my hair out
To distract from this music.

Why did you ruin all of my favorite things?
Why can't I enjoy things anymore?
Why did you ruin me?

I love you, but you do not love me.
It is torture
You say you love me, but you do not.
You only want me,
And you make it very obvious.
Telling me your wants and desires
To feel alive.
To feel wanted.
To feel love
I say I love you, but you do not believe me.
You don't believe anyone can love you.
But I do.
I love the way you look at me
When you think I don't see.
I love how you randomly just lay on me
And let me play with your hair.
I love the way you hold me
So lovingly
Without even realizing it.
You kiss me so intensely
I feel my blood trying to pass through my skin.
That may seem gross but it's what I feel.
I also feel other things.
For example,
Butterflies.
I didn't know I could feel them anymore.
I thought that he killed them.
Then you brought them back to life,
But they aren't just in my stomach anymore.
They fly through my entire body
Making my hands and knees shake
Every time you touch me-
Even though it's not often.
You take my breath away
Every time I see you.
My hope is to never breathe again.

Starving eyes,
Cold tongue and cheeks
Whisper very bad things.

Placid ears,
Sharp hands and feet
Creep up underneath.

Is it too hard
To understand me?
Or do just want to break my heart?

Well look who's crying
On the cold floor
Now.

Passion is such a hard thing to control
When I have none myself.
People wish to prove their integrity
But I want none of it.
To me, words are the only things that speak-
Not actions.
Actions have never mattered to me.
You don't have to prove your passion
Because I already believe your words.

We may never know what will happen
Even in just the distant future,
So let us just move on from this
Torment and get on with this life
Or finally face what we may be.
Now or never.

There is something about you that
Happens to attract me to you.
Everything you do is so appealing
Or maybe I am mistaken.

Just let me in, I promise I won't hurt you
Or do you not believe me?
So I take this time to apologize for
Everything that I have done to you.
Please believe that what I say is true.
Have you truly never believed me?

Getting over you was not a hard task.
Everyone thought it would be the end of my world
Or send me down a dark path.
Regretfully, I didn't find this to be a challenge.
Getting over you was easy and
Easier it is to move on.

Just seeing you walking
On the folds in my mind is enough to make
Every voice go quiet

Just the thought of you
Annoys me to no end.
Relentlessly you sought me-
One day I said it was enough.
Never speak to me again.

All I wanted was a good time
Until it was prolonged
So I try to make sure it ends.
Together, we make no sense
In time you will recognize this,
Now let me go.

Forcing a smile, but
All you can manage is your
Cheap, laughable smirk.